12 weeks!

Sam turns 12 weeks on Wednesday. I can't believe it.

We did some traveling earlier this month - went to Santa Barbara for a few days. Sam did great - no meltdowns! Yesterday we took Samantha strawberry picking at a farm. Course, she slept through it all, but it was a fun family day. :)

Quick update!

Sleeping:
Sam sleeps from about 9pm-3am now (give or take). After that, she only sleeps about an hour or two if we're lucky. Hope that improves.

Flat Head:
Eh, still there. We're trying to hold her more, but it's hard to hold her all day, even with the baby carriers.

Pumping:
I pump 5x a day, and get about 30-32oz. My mastitis and thrush are finally gone, so nips only hurt a small amount. Phew.

Maternity Leave:
Lately, I've taken a huge interest in learning to cook. I'll watch Food Network then make a recipe. Tonight I'm making turkey meatloaf with feta and sun dried tomatoes. Yumm. I am really dreading going back to work, more than I can express. If I think about it too long, I cry. I don't want to leave Sam at daycare...and that, plus my long hours and 1 hour commute mean I'll barely see her at all. I even worry that she'll forget I'm her mommy...and will feel no sense of connection to me. I'm just some lady that gives her a bath before she goes to bed.

Post Partum Body:
I'm sinking into a bit of a depression about this. Everyone I know at work (and many outside of work) immediately bounced back to their pre-preggo bodies. Granted, most of these women are like a size 6. I was a TIGHT size 12 before I got pregnant. Probably really a 14 if I'm honest (after 18 months of fertility drugs). I thought for sure I'd get close to my pre-preggo body by fucking 12 WEEKS. No. I've only lost 20 of the 35 pounds I gained. I've been hovering at that last 15 pounds for 10 weeks. Yes, 10 weeks. I worked out 6x last week, ate really healthy, only had a few not so good meals. What happens. I fucking gained 1/2 lb. Only my fat as fuck self could gain weight post partum.

Pardon my language...I just get really angry with my body. I've always been the kind of person who is bigger boned, gains weight rapidly despite being healthy, and can't lose a pound. We did Weight W@atchers at work a few years ago. I was the ONLY person in the group who didn't lose any weight on it...and I stuck to the program like my life depended on it. So knowing that I'm now 15lb heavier than my pre-preggo weight, and seeing the scale not moving an inch...I'm realizing that THIS is my new fat as fck body. (Disclaimer: my hatred for my size is only because I'm comparing it to how I used to look prior to fertility drugs. Whether one starts from a size 2 and goes to a 6, or starts from a 12 and goes to a 20, etc..... feeling your body expand in all directions is so upsetting. I'm definitely not saying a size 14, 16, or 20 is fat, its just that I feel fat because it's 4-6 sizes larger than where I started. it's all relative, i guess!)

then I keep hearing about c-section bellies, how they rarely go away. My belly looks 6 months preggo. what.the.fuck. I can't fit into one piece of pre-preggo clothing. Not one.

Not one t-shirt.
Not one underwear.
Not one pair of jeans.
Not one pair of shorts, not even my XL super baggy ones.

Nothing. My sense of self confidence and mood is largely dependent on my body image. I've always been that way. Let's just say I'm sinking to new lows right now. (Disclaimer: despite all of this, I am so in love with my daughter and would do it all over again, body-to-hell and all)

Mastitis

The last few days, my left boob (especially) has gotten painfully sore. Certain spots I can't touch at all. last night I noticed red patches on that boob, and even some veins turning reddish.

I felt like I had the flu all night - soooo achy and chilled to the bone. Saw my OB today. He took one look at me: mastitis.

Holy sh*tballs, this sucks. Each hour today I feel 100x worse. My body is full-blown achy now, even my finger and toe joints hurt like hell. My boob is on fire, I'm afraid to pump! (I know I need to)

The worst part is we leave for a Santa Barbara vacation today. :( I'll start my antibiotics tonight. Man, it's scary being home alone with Sam like this. I feel like I'm going to collapse from the bone-draining exhaustion and pain. I was worried I'd drop her so now she's in her swing.

Damn. Mastitis, eh.

Flat Head Syndrome?

We're a bit of a hot mess these days. My thrush isn't gone, so now I'm on Di.flucan. Sam suddenly had terrible diarrhea a few days ago. She's also been super fussy the last two weeks, and cries when we feed her. She pushes the bottle out, then cries because she's hungry. I've tried cutting out dairy, and even using the super sensitive formulas. She only manages to eat an ounce or two every few hours, then she gets lethargic.

Pediatrician is somewhat concerned about her low weight gain. She gained 1lb in 5 weeks. Ugh. We have our 2 month appt next friday, and I have a LOT of questions for the pedi.

My big one is : I think she has flat head syndrome. She spends most of the day in her swing, or bouncy chair, or laying on her boppy...then on her back sleeping up to 8 hours at night. So yeah, she spends a lot of her time on her back. I've noticed the last month that her head is odd shaped. It's getting quite flat in the back, and pushed up...where it looks like the back of her head is much higher than the front. On top of that, the back half of her head is much wider than the front half.

Has anyone else dealt with this? I feel terrible that I havent forced her to spend more time on her tummy. She hates it though! She maybe spends 15 minutes a day on her belly. The only way I can keep her off her back (with minimal crying) is if I carry her all day in the bjorn thingy. But that means I can barely do much while I wear her all day...doesnt seem practical.

The only company I could find that specializes in those helmets (which she'd have to wear 23 hours a day for 3-6 months!!!)...is in freaking SoCal. And they need weekly adjustments. How the eff would we get to SoCal each week for an appointment. Ugh. That's an 8 hour drive (if we're traveling with an infant).

Her head is really getting worse, and I dont trust that it will magically correct itself. God I suck tho...i should have just held her all day instead of putting her in her bouncy chair. :(

Thrush

I think I have a thrush infection. And I think I've had it for 4+ weeks.

Symptoms:
*shooting pains in my boob on/off all day
*white crud/patches around my nips
*horrific raw feeling on and around my nips. If anything (water, tshirt, bra) touches them, it feels like sandpaper on an open wound
*pumping is so painful - feels like glass coming out of my nips
*red raw circles around my nips

I figured I just had sensitive nips, but it's been 8 weeks of pumping and I would have toughened up by now. Sam doesn't have any white patches in her mouth. I called her pedi, and her pedi said as long as there's no white patches, she doesnt need to be treated. WTF? Everything I read says if one person has it, both need to be treated, because otherwise we'll just pass it back and forth. And babies don't always display symptoms, but they can still have it.

My OB prescribed me some cream to apply twice a day. So far it hasn't helped. They want me to keep trying it until tomorrow afternoon, and call if it's not better. I feel like this will never go away. Do I need to rinse with vinegar? Some sites say I need to boil everything that touches my boobs/baby's mouth for 20 min a day. My doc didn't tell me any of this, so I don't know what to do.

On top of this, B caught a horrible head cold. We're hoping Samantha and I don't get it. We'd hate for our 8 week old to get this virus. We're supposed to go to LA next week, and B and I had planned a day at Disneyland while my mom watched Sam. Now I dunno if that's gonna happen. Bummer.

Anyone dealt with thrush? How long did it take to heal, what did you do?