Trying to catch my breath

March is going to be my "pack mule month." I'm estimating a total of 15-20 doctor appointments, IVF phone consultations, and IVF seminars. All in March, yes.

This cycle is moving so fast. I literally had 2 days off pr0gesterone before AF started. This period is horribly crampy, I still feel bloated/fat from the recent pr0gesterone, I have some kind of tonsil infection that I can't get rid of, and now I'm on men0pur. RE says the meds may cause me to ovulate as early as CD10....meaning 3 days after my period, i'll be in the TWW again.

On top of all this, I will be in doctor offices an average of once every 2 days!

I've got to just bear down (pun intended), and GET THROUGH MARCH. Let's hope there's a baby somewhere in it. :)

PS - Those men0pur shots? OUCH! It took us 2 minutes to inject, I kept making B stop. The stinging was so intense, felt like hydrogen peroxide in an open wound.

We've decided to do 150iu for 3 days, then 75iu on the 4th. We'll keep you posted, and THANK YOU to everyone who offered their thoughts on selective reduction. I appreciate your openness.

CD3 Update

I had my CD3 u/s. My RE is going to be somewhat aggressive with me. I'll be on 150iu Men0pur for 4 days, then come in for an u/s. She debated 150iu and 75iu.

I guess this will be an experiment. I did get two follies on Fem@ra. She is a little worried that I may produce too many follies on 150iu and need to cancel. On the other hand, she agrees we need to get more aggressive. I just don't want to understim, and only end up with 1 follicle. I'd almost rather overstim, and even if we call off the cycle - we know where our dosage boundaries are.

It's all up in the air right now. For those of you who were on 150iu Men0pur, how many follies did you produce? Do you think given my age (33), my dosage is too high?

So confused. I guess we'll just go forward with 150iu for 4 days, starting tonight! I guess B and I need to start talking about selective reduction. We disagree on it. I couldn't bear to abort a baby with a beating heart, to avoid a preterm labor. B feels if triplets puts my health and all our children's health at risk, we need to do it.

Such a hard debate. How do you guys feel about it?

Need your sage advice

I had been planning to do 4 rounds of injectables, then IVF. Do injectables really increase your odds that much?
Given that each round of injectables costs me $4k-5K against my insurance coverage, (and I have a lifetime amount of $15k left)...what should i do?

3 rounds then IVF? IVF will be so expensive. I dont want to waste my time, but I'd like to try and get pregnant slightly cheaper than IVF.

No idea what to do. Honestly, if it were you, what would you do?

The obligatory injectables pic

I see everyone else do this. (ok, moreso when they get to IVF). My turn! :)

I *think* I started AF tonight; when I'm on Fem.ara, I get these sputtery start periods. It's red, and I need a panty liner, but it's not.....well, normal AF that kicks in a day or two later. I can't really explain it. My RE said if it's enough to get on my panties, it's CD1.

So, I guess today is CD1. And thus, we start anew. This time - injectables. We had our training today. I may move to Gon@l-F after this cycle. We also decided we will pay cash from now on, versus submit claims to Cigna. With Freedom, we can get Gon@l-F for 40%-50% less, if we pay cash. Versus having an overpriced amount eat up our little fertility coverage that's left.

Who else is starting a new cycle? Anyone? Bueller?

Someone hand me a paper bag, I'm about to hyperventilate.

So Freedom Ph.armacy called to confirm the Men0pur order. My doc ordered 20 vials, and I had to put $1,700 on my credit card.

Are you $*%&#()%)% kidding me!!!!!! $1,700 for one cycle! For meds?

For those who've taken Menopur, I have a few questions for you:
1) How many days did you take it?
2) What dosage amount?
3) How many follies total, and how many were mature?
4) How many tries till you got preg, (or how many have you done without success)?

Seriously. I better get preggo on this next try. I can't stomach this kind of financial stress. I'm hemorrhaging money.

13DPO. Negative HPT. Heading into my 11th month of being an infertile failure.

Another disturbing call with my sister

First things first - let's talk about symptoms. I'm 11DPO - not a symptom to speak of. No sore bbs, my CP is low, none of that creamy CM, no twinges. I did get whacked with my standard PMS migraine today - I broke down and took my RX, and that didn't help. That's proof that this is my PMS headache; it's the only one that doesn't respond to meds. And I'm starving all the time. My two classic PMS symptoms. I'll be shocked to get a + on Monday. I even had two follies this time! Looks like we're moving to injectables...

Ok, now my sister. We hadn't spoken in a while, and I figured she didn't care about my TTC process. Bear in mind, my sister is true blue Mormon, but not as hateful and mean-tongued as my mom is. In fact, my sister even asked how the TTC stuff was coming along.

Here is how our conversation ensued. Warning: it's very offensive, so I apologize for my sister's lack of empathy.

Sis: "How's the baby stuff?"
Me: "Same old... (I continue to tell her how hard it's been, and that I'm gaining so much weight, emotionally it's hard, etc")
Sis: "When are you going to quit? I mean, you've spent so much money already. Are you going to just quit soon?"
Me: "I can't give up. I had polyps last year which prevented me, so it's like we're starting over again."
Sis: "IVF is expensive, would you do that?"
Me: "Well, if we have to."
Sis: "Why don't you just adopt?"
Me: "Well, I'd like to have my own child. If we can't it's an option we're considering."
Sis: "Can't you just get a US baby or a Russian baby?"
Me: "No, for gay couples we have limited options, even moreso than straight couples."
Sis: "Would your kid be white?"
Me: "No, most likely African American or Mexican."
>>>>>> SISTER LETS OUT A MAJOR GASP, LIKE SHE'S JUST SEEN THE BOOGEYMAN<<<<<<<
Sis: "!!!!!! OMG, you CANNOT get a black kid. Don't get a back kid!"
Me: "WTF... why? What's wrong with that?"
Sis: "HELLO, that kid would be so messed up. First, it'd be a black kid with WHITE parents. And even worse, their parents would be GAY? You can't do that to a kid, that kid would be totally messed up."

Ok, let's break this down. There are SO many things wrong with what she said. Apparently, she doesn't realize that many straight couples also adopt children of color. it's not just a gay thing. Furthermore, how sad that she thinks it's such an abomination, and abusive to a child's emotions - that a black kid should have white, gay parents.

Really, sis? Is this kid better off being carted from foster home to foster home? I know many gay couples who've adopted children of color, and all their families are BEAUTIFUL, healthy and happy.

She then said my mom is pissed at me for not returning her emails the last month. I briefly informed my sister that our mom donated $500 to Yes on 8. My sister voted yes, but didn't donate. She seemed mildly sympathetic, but then told me, "Well dont bring it up with mom. Just call her back and let her know how you're doing."

She doesn't realize that this was the last straw. How can i look my mom in the face, when she's told me she'll never be happy for me, that my wanting to start a family is a perversion, and that it's child abuse if we have kids, and the gay people just want dogs, not kids... and now she's dug deep into her poor retirement pockets to donate $500 to make my life more difficult?

But my mom is a pro at acting like nothing's wrong, she'll call me, email me, send me a valentine's day card. Everything ends with "Love ya!" How do you combat people that have NO clue how harassing and damaging their words are? Im tired of confronting my mom. Not worth my time, and anytime i confront her, it solidifies her beliefs even more. She gets more proud of her faith, and her actions.

I want a new family.

I know it's early, but I already feel a BFN coming

8DPO. Still no symptoms. A few bb zingers, but that only started after I began using Fem@ra.

I had to "reach up" and clean out all the stored up, gunky progesterone. I'm trying a new type this month: Pro.chieve. It's a plastic tube, filled with cream. You just squeeze in the stuff, but it eventually wads up like wet tissue paper, and stays up in your cooch for days. How lovely, right. So I had to go in and pull a bunch out.

Anyhoo, my cervix was really low. All the BFP stories I hear say the woman had a super high cervix right after implantation. I realize it's a little rash to call the cycle a BFN so early, but there's a startling lack of any positive symptoms.

Will it even make a difference on injectables? I had two follicles this month from Fem@ra, and still likely a BFN. Are we seriously moving to our 8th IUI?

7DPO: Midway through TWW

If only all TWW's could be like this one! I'm halfway done TWW'ing, and the days have flown by. I haven't been goog.ling symptoms or obsessing about where my egg is. Sometimes I even forget what day it is: 6dpo or 7dpo? Usually I know the hours, minutes, and seconds since my IUI.

I am so grateful for this easy TWW, as I'm sure IF there is a next one, I will be super obsessed. I will be moving to injectables, which may get my hopes up again. For this cycle, I keep calling it the "hail mary" - we have little to no hope.

As far as symptoms, I really don't have anything I haven't had before. Wee bit of dizziness today, some bb twinges (from the Fem@ra), and maybe a few uterine twinges. Same stuff as always. I'm pretty hard to impress these days! ;-)

Tomorrow I leave for Seattle, for a 3-day business trip. Right during 8DPO-10DPO, the implantation days. I hope travel at that time is ok. I'm terrified of flying, and usually take Xanax and wine. This time I will be sans meds....I can't imagine the stress toxins that will be raging my body on the plane.

I scanned a ton of B's baby pics. Here are a few below. Wasn't she a cutie? (She is the younger of the two sisters)

4DPIUI

I don't want to jinx myself, but this has been the easiest TWW ever. I even thought it was 3DPO, then realized it was 4DPO. I'm REALLY not paying attention! No goo.gling or anything. Perhaps it's because this cycle was the "hail mary" - and one we have little faith in, so I don't spend my day thinking about things.

Having said that, I love this graph. In case you ARE wondering where your eggie might be. :)

We're gearing up for injectables next cycle, and I sure hope that can get me pregnant. If not, IVF is so expensive. I wasn't kidding, that 1 cycle of IVF is $15k+ in the Bay Area! That usually doesn't include drug costs, either. Even Kai.ser charges about $15k out here. The cheapest place I found charges $11k per cycle (w/o meds), but they didn't have as high a success rate.

Enjoy the long weekend!

2 DPIUI

Really bloated. Reallllllly bloated.

Nothing to report in the TWW yet.

Last night we went to our first IVF informational session. It was with the former clinic we were using. They totally avoided any financial questions, probably because they are so expensive. They have a nice facility, though, and I really like the RE who spoke. I imagine 1 cycle is $15k+ plus meds. Ouch. The clinic is 45 minutes from where I work, so transportation time would be rough.

I asked a TON of questions, and a few times realized how little RE's know about "our situation." When they were talking about their 40% pregnancy rate per cycle, I asked, "What is the variance for people using frozen sperm?" I totally stumped her. "Ohhhh, umm you know, I don't know. I think they are exactly the same. You know, sperm is sperm, whether it's frozen or not."

I'm sorry, but every statistic I look at online shows 5%+ lower rates for frozen sperm. How could a clinic be so ignorant to that entire market of IVF-ers? I don't necessarily blame this clinic, I think many clinics are like this. They need to do more studies.

We were the only girl couple there. There were about 6 other straight couples and one single woman. The couples ranged from young to probably mid 40's. It was interesting to hear the spiel, and we are planning 2-3 more seminars. Pretty soon i guess we'll have to start a real consultation. Since they ask for 1-2 months advance notice (for testing), before you want to begin IVF, we'd have to start this process while we're still doing IUI+injectables. That could be tricky - how can they do an SHG or HSG if I'm in the TWW, you know?

I'll tell you one thing, though. Being in that room, getting a lab tour, and taking notes on the IVF process sure made it feel more real. I think we're gonna do 3-4 rounds of IUI+injectables, then move to IVF. (With no fertility coverage left) God help us!

Should I ask for more ultrasounds?

So I have a history of RE's who are VERY casual with monitoring.

I'm sitting here, the night of my 7th IUI...wondering if I should have asked for more monitoring of my follies. Here's why:

With no Fem@ra, on CD12 my follie would be 18mm.
When I start Fem@ra on CD3, on CD11 my follie was 27mm!!! A 27mm follie on CD11. Crazy.

This month I started Fem@ra on CD2, and I asked for an u/s on CD9. My follies were 19mm and 15mm. Still, though....a 19mm follie on CD9???? My RE had me wait until the next evening to do the HCG shot, then come in 39 hours later for an IUI.

I dunno, man. I'm starting to think my follies grow 4mm a day on Fem@ra, not 1. Why didn't they think to have me come in the next day, just to see how my follies were growing? There is a HUGE difference between 1-4mm growth a day. Perhaps they had me wait too long for my HCG shot, and I may have O'd much earlier than my IUI.

Do your RE's bring you in for daily monitoring on Fem@ra and/or injectables? I have no doubt that my RE will do the same thing next month, when I start injections. I'll have one u/s on CD9 or so, then my next appt will be for an IUI days later. Just seems wrong. I'd rather pay the extra $441 for another ultrasound, than to keep missing the optimal time to trigger.

I am SO over the medical industry right now!!!! Not one doc really takes the time to give me individualized care. It's 3 minute u/s and IUI appointments then they bolt out of the room, and a generic one-size-fits-all protocol. sigh

Where my fellow TWW'ers at?

Here I am again - starting a new TWW.

My IUI was at 10:45am today. We had 10.7M motile swimmers, and the IUI was mildly uncomfortable. I laid on the table for 30 minutes reading "OK!" Magazine.

I had really wanted to take it easy today, but such was not the case. I raced back to work, and was literally running from building to building, for meetings. This week is incredibly stressful, and I've had an acidic pit in my stomach all day from it. I was jogging (due to lateness) to meetings in different buildings, which I know can't be good for me.

I would really like to take it easy on IUI day, but I never get the chance. Work is a series of really stressful fire drills all day long, and I usually have 2-4 hours of meetings every day, so leaving for IUI's is hard enough.

My RE asked me how I felt - she was trying to make me excited. All I could reply was, "Oh, I'm ok. I guess we'll just see what happens." I am SERIOUSLY going through the motions. You can't get me excited about IUI's anymore - I've had almost a year of BFNs, so I can't even pretend to get my hopes up...not even to please my RE.

Next cycle we start injectables. She did say she recommends Gonal-F over Menopur. Does it really matter what injections I take? Does one cause more follies than another?

Anyone else on a TWW? :)

BIG 24 hours! (photos included!)

My honey is off to Minnesota for 4 days, leaving me to do the HCG trigger shot on my own. I've been dreading it!!!

Well at 8pm tonight, I did it! I kept starting to inject, then chickened out. The half-ass needle pokes left tiny bloody marks on my belly. haha.

Finally, I pinched an inch, grit my teeth, and JABBED that needle in. PHEW. I was so proud of myself, I felt like Tom Hanks in Castaway, when he built his first fire. "I made fire!!!!" In my case, I was beating my chest, saying, "I injected myself!"

In other exciting news, Ashton Kutcher visited my company yesterday. He chatted with us for a while, and we sang happy birthday to him - and gave him a cake. It was pretty cool, since I'm starstruck whenever I meet celebs.

Here are a few pics I took with my cellphone. They're kinda fuzzy, sorry!

I'm here!

I don't think I've ever gone so long without blogging!

I'm here, still alive. :) It's been a very tumultuous week. Been working late every night this week, forcing me to miss all my workouts. One night I did watch Bravo "Workout" instead of working out, does that count?

In other news, Becky's sister had a heart attack and is hooked up to breathing machines in the hospital. Becky flies out to Minnesota tomorrow to spend a few days with the family. No need to send condolences....this sounds awful to say, but her sister has spent the last 20 years ruining everyone's life. She is about as evil as they come, and lies, screams, threatens, extorts, blackmails, etc.... Becky on a weekly basis. In fact, the day before the heart attack, she screamed at Becky "I hope you die a painful death." Her sister hates Becky only because Becky won't send her money for her Oxycontin addiction, and because Becky won't continue asking her dad to help out. This has caused so much stress for Becky, and her sister is really a crazy, drug-addicted person who has nothing left to do but threaten people.

I am actually praying that her sister passes away, as her quality of life will be 100x worse. She's already 5'11" and 80 pounds (bulemia), addicted to Oxycontin, has no teeth, barely any bones, is mentally crazy, etc. And she constantly hurts the person I love more than anyone. She is so cruel to Becky.

Ok, in TTC news... I had my CD9 ultrasound today. I started Femara on CD2, to see if that made a difference. It did! I actually have two follies - one is 19mm, one is 15mm. I trigger tomorrow night, and IUI on Monday. Hopefully the smaller follie will have caught up by then.

The bad news - my lining ain't so good. It's 6.5, and i guess the bare minimum you need is 6. The Femara is definitely thinning out my lining. If I don't get preggers this cycle, I may discontinue using it.

So that's the news. I will be by myself this weekend, until Becky gets back on Tuesday. I have to trigger myself tomorrow night, which I'm worried about. i can't give myself a shot!!!

I'm down from the ledge

I had an EPIC meltdown Friday night. Like, sobbing so hard I couldn't catch my breath. My dog freaked out and was licking my face (he always knows when one of us is sad).

I'm doing a bit better now. B and I went to Livermore yesterday, and hit 10 wineries! (We share tastings, and just take tiny sips) It lifted my mood.

On the TTC front, I am racked with anxiety, doubt, and confusion. This is the lightest period I've ever had. Light bleeding for 2 days, then it totally stopped. I usually have 4 heavy days, followed by 3 light. And I didn't even get cramps this time. SOMETHING is wrong. Does Femara cause me to have lighter periods? A thinner lining? Maybe because Femara made me ovulate 4 days earlier, my lining never got to full thickness.

This month, I started Femara on CD2. This is kind of the Mad Scientist month...just to see what happens if I start earlier. I really don't have any hope I'll get pregnant this cycle.

I'm beginning to think my body just doesn't respond optimally to Femara. If that's the case, we will move to injectables next month. I'll either stop femara, or just take 2.5mg.

Now....question for you guys. What injectables have you tried? What dosage? How many mature follicles?

We're running out of new things to try, so I hope injectables work next month.