IVF Meds arrived today...

Holy cow. A large boxful of goodies. Lots of boxes, vials, syringes. Gonal-F, Lupron, HCG, Lovenox, Progesterone, etc. I also received my IVF calendar in the mail today. It's insane to look at... I will be taking 9 pills a day, on top of 2-3 injections a day. What a crazy process this is!

You know, in 50 years they will have IVF simplified to just one injection. Yep, the entire IVF cycle reduced to one injection (or better yet, pill). Of course, in 50 years they will also have a 90% success rate. :)

So I'm realizing that work is going to be a total shitshow around the time of retrieval and transfer. I mean SO bad that the sky WILL fall once I'm out. It's that insane. But you know what? Hell with em.

I had acupuncture today, and she tried a different set of points. Let's just say I am so freaking zen I feel like I've been hypnotized.

Oh, and you'll get a kick out of this. One week after transfer, my boss has planned a team offsite. It's an overnight camping trip followed by a Class 3-4 whitewater rafting trip. Like I've said, I work at the WORST company when going through the TTC process.

Somedays it gets easier, somedays it gets harder

Today we paid the $11,000 to my IVF clinic, dropped off the specimen, and I spent $1600 on meds (to get me to the pregnancy test). Phew. Das a whole lotta money!

Now I just keep taking BC and 4 other daily pills until July 9th. July 5th I start Lupron.

I was kind of feeling a little better lately, all things considered. Today I may have taken a step back. It's getting so hard to follow my sister's blog. She has a happy marriage, 3 kids, and she's only 30. She is EXACTLY where I wish my life was, right now (minus the husband - hehe). Here's her blog: http://swensonsite.blogspot.com/

They are able to go to Utah to fish, camp, ride horses at her hubby's family's house. Or they visit my mom 3 hours away in Orange County, and go to the beach, Disneyland, etc. She has two beautiful boys, and now a beautiful daughter. I get this horrible ache in the pit of my stomach when I read her blog. I feel so, so far from what she has. And I'll never truly have what she has: acceptance of her family, being a stay at home mom, being 30 years old with 3 kids.

This may sound silly, but I always thought "maybe if i have a girl, my mom will love our child." there were no girl grandkids. Now that Maggie was born last year, and she is so stinkin' cute, my mom has everything she needs. There is nothing new or special (in her eyes) that we would add to the equation.

I feel bad for our future child, adopted or biological, that his/her grandparents/aunt/uncle will never be close, truly feel a bond, take an active role in his/her life, or love her the way I love my nieces/nephews. It breaks my heart.

I want so badly what Kelly has. I am sick with heartache.

Tons of friends at work are about to give birth. Another friend at work, who's been TTC for 4 years, said she finally has "really good news" to tell me tomorrow. I'm certain it's that she's pregnant.

Admittedly, behind the GENUINE layers of joy for my fellow pregnant bloggers, there is that same ache. When I started blogging 18(?) months ago, only about 5% of my blogroll was pregnant. Now, over 90% of my blogroll is pregnant, already had their baby, and some are even pregnant with #2 now!

It's like time has stood still for me, yet moved on for everyone else. I would do anything to get rid of this ache in my heart.

A nice quote for TTCers

This is a healthy way to look at the TTC process, especially when you keep trying everything and nothing seems to work. Each time we are STILL learning something.

Here's the quote:

“I haven’t failed. I’ve found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” — Thomas Edison, when inventing the first commercial light bulb.


For some of us, it could mean we need a different FSH med, or birth control, or IVF, or IUI, or fresh not frozen, or timing HCG shots, or surgery, or even adoption. Each BFN teaches us how to get closer to our goal.

This Space Intentionally Left Blank :)

It feels like a lot has happened since I last posted. I love bullet points, so maybe I'll do that.

* Went to our second adoption seminar. We loved this one, it really changed our minds. I finally got over my fear that all we'll get is a 13 year old ex-con who's in a gang, wears brass knuckles, steals the silverware and will set the house on fire. Now I see that we can get a semi-healthy newborn, and I know we'll love it as though it were a biological child. Of course, this comes with some fears about mothers taking their babies back after birth, etc... But I finally feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is bright, instead of dark.

* I've started taking my meds for MTHFR. I met with my obgyn, and she said I should be on two Folgards a day, so she wrote me an extra rx. She said she's never seen someone with both mutations, so she has no experience to base this on. She said the meds I'm on should lower the risks of m/c and deformities, but there will still be elevated risk. She seemed confident enough, whether it was sincere or faked, that it put my mind somewhat at ease.

* Work has hit the shitter. I'm working till 8pm, 10pm, etc. It's going to be a focking shitshow through the rest of the year. It's so bad that I've 2x now pushed my IVF cycle off. I finally had to settle on a cycle date, because otherwise I'll never do it. I'm worried my boss will ask me to reschedule my "vacation" - once it's time for transfer. I have no idea what the exact dates will be, which is stressing me out. They said retrieval could be 7/24 - 7/29, and transfer could be 7/28 - 8/4. How on earth can I put in my vaca on the team calendar? i won't know till days before which days I'll be out. I'm terribly stressed over this.

* I also have Natural Killer cells, so I will need a $700 infusion every 3 weeks through 1st trimester.

* I start Lupron on 7/5!

* This is costing me an arm and a leg. Here is the breakdown of out of pocket expenses. My fertility insurance is gone:
- $12,000 - IVF costs I pay my clinic
- $750 - misc appts not covered by IVF plan
- $1,500 custom blood tests not covered by insurance
- $1,000 a MONTH for Lovenox. I may take this all the way through pregnancy
- $800 - two vials of sperm
- $120 - Lupron
- $120/mo for Progesterone in oil
- $100 - misc antibiotic meds
- $3,000 - FSH meds
- $700/mo - blood infusion
=================

Cost if I end up with NEGATIVE HPT: $20,170

Cost if I end up carrying a pregnancy to term: $31,270

And folks, this is why I can only do this once. If it's a negative HPT, I am jumping off the wagon to move onto new alternatives.

Seriously

My IVF doc called today. I also tested positive for Natural Killer cells. He said I will need to do acupuncture every week starting this week through pregnancy. ($75 a week, great) I will also have to do a blood transfusion thing during the week of transfer, then every 3 weeks through the first trimester. The cost? $700 a pop. No insurance coverage.

My bills are skyrocketing for this IVF cycle. Here is what I am up against:
IVF: $11,000 (insurance will cover about $6k of it, then I am out of fertility benefits forever)
Folgard: $25/mo
Lovenox $1,000-ish a month? NO insurance coverage.
Stim Medications: $5,000
Acupuncture: $350/mo
Blood transfusion: $700/mo

All in, this IVF will cost me $19,000 if it doesn't work, and $35,000 if it does.

I'm getting beaten down, man. Bad news after bad news on my health, then financial issues. My entire body is like the Terminator to a fetus. Every possible sign of the universe is telling me I shouldn't get pregnant.

But I will still try. Just once. There is no way I could mentally, physically, financially do this ever again. I feel horribly drained from IVF, and I haven't even started it yet! I thought I would be those optimistic IVF people, and maybe I would have been. Had it not been for Natural Killer cells and some rare Terminator blood disease that makes it near impossible to carry a pregnancy.

Am I totally mad for still trying this?

Please Universe, send me something good right now. Really good.

The infertility treadmill

I am officially still freaking out over the compound heterozygous version of MTHFR that I have. I didn't sleep all weekend, and spent my days researching. Dr Google can be a bitch. I read countless message boards of women who had m/c after m/c at 7 months, stillbirth, and kids with severe deformations.

Granted, many of these women didn't know they had MTHFR. But some even said with all the supplements, women with MTHFR still have more babies with defects. This has me freaking out on so many levels.

I can't help but think.... why am i doing all of this? Is it the right thing to do to push forward with IVF? Do I want to spend $30,000 (all in, with my additional meds) for ONE try. One try - that could easily end in early or late term miscarriage, or end with a child with severe spina bifidia? Am I doing the right thing? Should I give up on IVF?

I think I will try just once, but if anything bad happens, I stop. I'm terrified about all the risks in general. I called my PCP's office - she doesn't believe in any of this, even though I tested positive for BOTH mutations, and clearly that is linked to blood disorder. I left her nurse a message, asking for a referral to a hematologist. I have a feeling my PCP won't give me one, or will force me to setup a 5th appt with her in a month....just to make me feel like shit for being concerned. (She's always waved off every symptoms I've had, and treats me like I am a hypochondriac, fat, lazy person who just needs to exercise more)

She is my third PCP in the last year, I can not find a good one that pays attention to my body.

I left a message with my ob clinic, too - since this would be a high risk pregnancy, I want to know what the real risks are.

Ugh. I want all of this to be over. Really, maybe this is God's way of telling me I was always meant to adopt. And that my little boy or girl out there is just patiently waiting for me to get off the infertility treadmill.

MTHFR is a MTHFR

The more I read about this disorder, the more I freak out. I tested positive for both mutations, making me the dreaded "compound heterozygous." (or, as these articles would have me believe "compound you're-going-to-die & have a defected baby)

PLEASE - I want to hear from any of you who tested positive for both mutations. My homocysteine level is 12.2, so borderline high. I was reading lots of articles, and I'm feeling depressed and terrified. They make it sound like you're going to have an alien baby that will be a sillbirth. Is this God's way of telling me I'm cursed and should not have kids, and adopt instead?

Check out this snippet from an article:
Research shows that high homocysteine levels and/or those with the mutation show a higher propensity for thrombosis (blood clots), arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries), Alzheimer’s, stroke, heart attack, Fibromyalgia, migraines (especially with “Aura” migraines), osteoporotic fractures, bone marrow disorders and for those of child bearing years, it has found to be connected to higher incidences of down’s syndrome, spina bifida, other neural tube defects, trisomy, miscarriage, stillbirth, implantation failure, placental abruption, preeclampsia, higher incidences of autism, amongst others.

Also my homocysteine levels are 12.2. I looked up what that means:
12 to 14.9 units
High risk for premature death from degenerative diseases

Ummmmm. So my IVF doc put me on baby aspirin and Folgard, which I will take religiously. Will this prevent those issues, or is it more of a Hail Mary?

I'd love to hear from anyone who is compound heterozygous, and especially if you went on to carry a child!

WTF!

So just as I am finishing up all my pre-IVF tests, and feeling relaxed for once....disaster strikes again.

Remember my horrrrrrrible experience with my old fertility clinic? The ones who did my most recent laparoscopy? Well they had quoted me $1,700 to $5,000 for the surgery. They said my copay would be a few hundred dollars, since my insurance is good.

So I just got my Cign@ statement of benefits today. They fucking submitted the claim for $26,000! For a fucking cyst removal! So Cigna paid them $24,000 of it, saying my portion due is $2,600.

$2,600 for a copay for a cyst removal. I can't believe this. Now I have to stress out and call my old clinic, call the surgical center where they billed it from, and call my insurance. Talk about the most useless people on earth. Great, now I am back in stressland.

How on earth could they submit a claim for a laparoscopy for $26,000? I'm just worried that they will bully me around now, and insist that the surgery cost that much. I'm dying for Monday to arrive, so I can call everyone. They are all closed for the weekend.

Made it through hell week

This was a horrible week at work. I worked until 10:30pm most nights, and even got up at 6:30am today to start working. My job is incredibly stressful as a baseline, and this week it was 2x that. I almost threw up last night from the stress, it was that bad.

It got me thinking, am I totally screwed for IVF? Seriously. I work long hours, exhaust myself to the bone, and I could be in the same situation the week of transfer. Honestly, I don't know if it's possible for me to be home for 3 days, when million dollar clients have critical launches. I wonder if I'll need to go straight to the office right after the transfer.

I've already decided to do BCP an extra week, so that I can get through another anticipated hell week. Work has caused me so much stress, which contributed to my infertility this past year. Yet again, this focking job is causing me anger, stress, and impaired fertility treatments. Sigh. There is no end in sight.

I got my homocysteine test done today. I just need those results, and our specimen acceptance form sent to my IVF clinic, and I'l be done with pre-IVF.

BCP are going fine. Tomorrow I pickup a Folgar rx, and they said to start baby aspirin. I went to W@lgreens, and out of 40+ baby meds, I only saw acetaminophen and ibuprofen. So I bought $20 worth of the latter, thinking it must be aspirin. There wasn't ONE thing labeled aspirin. I found out that's not aspirin, and I wasted money. I guess tomorrow we'll scout out every pharmacy to find baby aspirin.

Few more weeks of BCP, then Lupron starts. I feel so drained. I keep adding up the IVF costs, and it stresses me out even more. With the long lupron protocol, they said 3 weeks of injections @ 250+iu per day. Well, you do the math. Between that dosage, Lupron, Lovenox, and progesterone in oil - this is getting up to $5500+ in meds alone. WHAT THE FUCK.

Why is IVF so expensive? I get that it's a business, but the fact that ONE fuckin' try (with a 35% chance) is $20,000 all-in, is a big deal. One try and we're out. I don't know how the eff we could scrape up another $20,000.

IVF should not be as expensive as a car. I get it now. I get it. For all of you who've done IVF and experienced this financial suffering, I get it. I am so sorry for all of us that have to endure corporate greed.

IVF update

I had my first official IVF visit. As I was sitting there in the waiting room, clutching my massive packet of medical/blood test results, I became suddenly overwhelmed to the point of tears. Not sure why exactly, but perhaps because it feels as though everything is moving so fast. There is a lot riding on this IVF cycle: the weight of 14 months of TTC, the cost, the past and anticipated mental exhaustion, the physical exhaustion, and the certainty of extreme emotion at the end of this journey. A BFP or a BFN.

I had a CD2 check. Doctor said I have a higher reserve than average, for women my age (33). I had 8 follies on my right, 11 on my left. He could still see the large remnants of my cyst. He insists this won't interfere with IVF, but I can't help but be doubtful.

All pre-IVF testing is done, so I gave them my records. I did test positive for both mutations of MTHFR, which means I'm prone to blood clots during pregnancy, and can't absorb folic acid. This means I will be taking 2 extra pills, and a daily injection. they asked me to do one more blood test, which I'll do tomorrow.

Doctor feels very optimistic, but I'm burdened by a year of incredible failures. Massive cysts, early endometriosis, no response to injectables. I'm afraid to let myself be optimistic.

So what's next for IVF?

He had me do some immunology tests, waiting to get results back. So far, he thinks I will be doing the Long Lupron Protocol. That means it's another 8 weeks before retrieval.

I'm getting all the remaining items done: one more bloodtest, specimen acceptance form, and I'm having a cavity looked at. I think I have a filling that's chipped, so I better get that fixed before IVF!

We attended our first adoption seminar last night, and have another one this weekend.

Everything is certainly moving so fast, like a blur.