Spotting. Boo.

I went to the bathroom just now, and noticed several spots of brown in my undies. I'm pretty sure I saw a little bit of brown tissue in the toilet, too. Amazingly, I feel pretty calm. (Normally I freak out)

I've read hundreds of stories of women with brown spotting, who were just fine. I heard it's more red spotting with bad cramping, that can be serious. I do have some light cramping, and I had some yesterday after lifting some borderline heavy items. (I know, never again).

I emailed my doctor, but they usually don't get back to me for 1-2 days. We'll see if he thinks I should come in. My next u/s isn't until 9/11, right now.

Anyone else experience brown spotting around 7 weeks, and ended up being fine?

Belly shot

Here I am at 6w6d. My belly is poofing, and I'm sucking in my gut! It could be first trimester bloat or fast-growing twins. Of course, I've also gained about 20 pounds since we started TTC, so I'm just bigger all over. You can see one of my lovely L0venox bruises. I'll try to post a weekly belly shot, moving forward!

Belly, already?

Either it's from not working out for 3 months (doctor's orders!), or these two nuggets are growing fast.

I'm 6w5d, and my belly has a major pooch already. It poofed out yesterday, and hasn't gone back down. It looks like a singleton belly at 12 weeks.

How on EARTH will I hide this from my boss/coworkers for another 6 weeks? For those that showed WAY early, did you have to 'out' your pregnancy at work before 12 weeks?

I Seek Thine Advice (and have some to give)

For those of you who've had twins (or who are close to...)
1. Did you go on bedrest? If so, when?
2. Any products you recommend?
3. Any advice in general?

For those who've had singleton or twins:
1. Did prenatal yoga help. if so, is there a specific DVD you recommend?

Now that my questions are out of the way, I can share a few thoughts on being 6w4d.

As one commenter aptly put it, I am now the poster child for a symptom-free TWW that ended in a BFP. I am also a living example of someone pregnant with twins, but with little symptoms still! For those of you TTC, it really can happen. I felt nothing for so long, almost certain I wasn't pregnant, or was no LONGER pregnant. I hope that my story of beating every obstacle - from no symptoms, to horribly unsuccessful IUIs, to not responding to injectables, to 16 months of cysts, doctors, 2 surgeries, polyps, fibroids, endometriosis, and ultimately being told IVF probably won't work for me.....well, it did. And I'm no one special. Seriously, if it can happen for someone as UNLIKELY as me, there is hope that the right doc, and the right IUI or IVF treatment, can work.

Recommendations for those TTC:
1. Hang onto hope. And when it slips through your fingers, we will hold hope for you. The intensity to which this community lifted me up at my darkest times is something I'll always cherish. You all held hope for me, when I'd all but lost it.
2. Don't be afraid to change doctors. We had 3 clinics! Demand the attention you need.
3. If you've done a ton of IUIs, seriously consider IVF. I was scared of it, but realized it wasn't so bad at all, and in fact, for ONCE in my TTC journey, I saw my body respond in magical ways that I'd never seen or expected.
4. Be VERY picky about your IVF doctor. Pick one who will do copious testing, especially immunology. Few clinics do immunology, and my doc found I had serious problems!!! Most are largely treatable, and that, I believe, is the only reason I am pregnant right now.
5. It's OK to stress over not having symptoms. You all reminded me that many women don't have early symptoms, and I didn't listen. I stressed, we all stress. LIke Robbie once said, when we've been through the trenches like this, we all have some form of PTSD.

For anyone who's interested, here is what's going on with me right now.
6w4d report!
* I am either bone dead tired or completely an insomniac. I haven't slept in 2 days. then suddenly one day I am so tired that I almost cry at work, and can barely drive home. I figure I'm growing two humans right now, I oughtta be tired!
* The lotiony cervical mucous has picked up again. I'm like a human hand lotion dispenser.
* Luckily, I've been VERY "regular" - no matter what I eat, I have a satisfying #2 in the morning. I shall cherish this as long as it lasts.
* I have horrific gas. It comes out like 10 second foghorns all night long, and now the gas pressure is so intense that I've farted twice at work, in front of my coworkers. Humiliating.
* Heartburn just a little, and not too often.
* Slight bouts of nausea, but nothing to stop me in my tracks. I feel very lucky to be almost symptom-free here.
* Emotions are stable - no major tantrums or cries. I cried today because I was so tired and stressed at work.
* Nails growing fast and furious. My hair and face are greasy as shit, I feel so homely looking by the end of the day.
* My....how do I say....peesh smells different. I'm not sticking my nose up in it, but when I'm taking my pants off I can tell it's different. it's a very sweet smell. weird.
* No cravings or aversions.
* My sweet tooth is slowly coming back

I know a couple of you are going through IUIs and IVF, so I will try to post as much info as I can on each week/stage of pregnancy. I hope this helpful! xoxo

TWINS!!!!!!

Both measure 5.8mm, exactly 6w3d. One has a strong 119 heartbeat, the other had a strong 117 heartbeat.

Ladies, I introduce you to our future children... :)

please send your thoughts to my cousin

My cousin has had a healthy pregnancy, and just hit 24 weeks. She's gone into bad contractions, and the baby's turned upside down - as in, it's wanting to come out. She's terrified, knowing that babies born at 6 months can have lifelong health issues. On top of that, the poor girl had her mom die in a freak clotting accident last fall.

We're all sending good thoughts her way. If any of you have some good vibes to spare, we would sure appreciate it!

Don't Laugh, but I'm still not convinced! :)

Can I really be pregnant? I read an article that said by the 6th week, 85% of women have noticeable symptoms like morning sickness, etc.

My boobs are slightly sore, and I am bone-dead tired by 3pm each day. I sleep like a rock.

Other than that - NOTHING. No m/s, no extra hunger, no food aversions, no super sore boobs. Even the stretching cramps/twinges disappeared 2 days ago.

is there really something still in there? I mean, it IS possible that it stopped growing. I know each time I've worried about this, my HCG comes back strong. I am not freaking out like before, but more mildly concerned....and calmed by the fact that so far my intuition has been wrong every time. :)

But seriously, wouldn't it drive you crazy? I'll be 6 1/2 weeks tomorrow, and had I not done IVF, I would have ABSOLUTELY NO suspicion that I was pregnant. Not at all.

Tomorrow is the big day with the ultrasound. Please let there be a little pup pup in my belly!

5 weeks, 6 days

Physical changes:
- Nails still growing fast and furious
- NO appetite. Not food aversion, I just literally am never hungry all day
- I had one tiny amount of nausea the other day, but gone since
- My face broke out a few days ago, but has since cleared up
- Not too tired, but I get bouts of tiredness now and then
- Cramps around my uterus, hopefully just stretching pains
- Insane insomnia. I can't sleep till 1am, then I'm up again at 3am for hours.
- Honestly, very few symptoms. Maybe I will be the lucky one with an easy first tri!

Next appt:
- Thursday is an u/s to look for heartbeat and yolk sac. Curious if it's singleton or twins.

Emotionally:
- Kind of freaking out, realizing there's no turning back. My body is going to change so much, like an alien taking over it. Go with the flow.
- Freaking out about work. If I have twins, and go on bedrest early, it will be a nightmare for work. I do the work of 10 people, and as dumb as this sounds, the sky WILL fall if I am OOO that long. I wouldn't be surprised if they hired someone permanently to take my place. They did this recently with a woman who left for maternity.
- Freaking out about how little support we have. We have no family nearby who can help out, or who would travel to help out. We have 2 friends nearby, but they've got their hands full with 2 kids. We have two more good friends an hour away, but they're about to have a baby. I don't know how we'll do it.
- Worrying about money, and how we live in a 900 square foot shoebox that can barely fit us and our dog. How could it ever fit 1-2 babies?

Question:
If the u/s goes well, I wanted to add some tickers to my page. I'd like to put most of them on a second page (not this main one). I noticed some of you using blogger were able to create a separate page to link to, for timelines, tickers, etc. How did you do that? I can't figure it out. I'd rather put most of them out of vision, so that our TTC friends don't have to have it shoved in their faces.

No, no, this won't work

==Update: Man, I hope you guys are right. My RE had told me I'd only get one u/s with him at 6 weeks, 2 days, then they are releasing me. Crazy! I may ask him for another u/s at 8 weeks, just for sanity sake. I don't care if it costs me another $400!==

I called my OB's office to schedule my first appt. I have my first/last ultrasound with my IVF doc next week, when I will be 6 weeks, 2 days.

My OB called back and said I cannot come in until after 10 weeks. Are they MAD?

That means waiting an entire month between ultrasounds!!! There is no way I can wait that long. I thought most OB's see you around 8-9 weeks, right? Am I wrong? Do most not see you until 10 weeks?

I even told them I have a clotting disorder and high chance of twins. They didn't seem to care. I thought you get MORE, not less, appts with twins?

Group hug

I f*cking love you guys. Reading your comments, and FEELING your concern/excitement over this BFP is more touching to me than you realize. This is a journey we take not alone, but truly with the collective support of fellow bloggers, who I seriously call my friends. :)

Look, now you've gone and made me all teary-eyed. Look away! ;-)

HOLY crap

Since my RE's office wasn't responding to my messages, I called for the 5th time just now to get my gd results!

You ready?

HCG 5,675
Progesterone 193

She said both are very high. That progesterone is off the CHARTS high. I've heard that can be a strong indicator of multiples. There has GOT to be twinnage going on!
Well, at least I am still pregnant as of now, and next week's u/s can confirm if there's something actually in there. Or some THINGS. :)

For those with twins (or singles), do you recall what your HCG was at 5 weeks, 3 days? (equivalent of 24dpo)

Where the eff are my results!

I went in at 8am this morning for a "stat order" for HCG. The lab said it'd be ready by 12:30pm.

it's 4:10pm now. I've left messages and emailed my RE clinic. NO response at all. This is ridiculous. Are they hiding the negative results till end of day, to let me "feel" pregnant for a few more hours? Perhaps the results are borderline iffy, and they need to consult with my RE first on next steps. If results were in 4 hours ago and they were normal, I'd expect they'd have called me by now. With my last two GOOD HCGs, they called me by 12:30pm.

Either way, just give me the goddamn results, even if they're bad. I'm a big girl, I can take it.

Tomorrow feels so far away

I have my beta tomorrow morning, and it feels like it's weeks away. Next Thursday is the earliest date my RE said they could detect a heartbeat, so I go in then for an u/s. I feel like I'm holding my breath between appts.

To make matters worse, the few symptoms I had are totally gone now:
1. Extreme exhaustion - mostly gone (!)
2. Hungry Hungry Hippo - totally gone, now I am rarely hungry at all
3. "Hand Lotion Dispenser" - totally gone, I'm dry as a bone
4. Bigger boobies - they have shrunk back to normal size in the last 2 days

It's like my body has shaken off any shred of pregnancy. Now all I have is the extra 10 pounds of fat hanging off me, that I gained in this IVF cycle.

Oh Thursday, you can't come soon enough. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow.... This wait is maddening.

Oh wow, as if I couldn't feel worse, I just found this!
http://tinyurl.com/n85hyd

Ummm

I went to use the bathroom, and there was this little blob of brown (maybe old bloody) tissue in there afterwards.
That would explain my lack of symptoms recently.

Plus, I've had a terribly stressful day at work, with my stomach in knots all day.

Could this be the end of it all? Feels like it right now.

Be positive be positive be positive

I woke up and feel even less pregnant than yesterday, if that's humanly possible. (Since I already felt not pregnant)
My nips aren't as sore, and my tatas seem to be shrinking back to normal size.

One of you put it so well, when you said "it's maddening." I'm slowly going crazy. haha.

I'm fighting every urge to give up and cry, and just stick to positive thinking. Maybe everything is ok. Thursday's beta will give us some indication, and next Thursday's u/s will be very telling, indeed.

Trying to be positive

Ok, you spoke and I have listened. :) I do appreciate all your comments, and I don't know what I'd do without you guys!

Even though I am feeling less and less pregnant each day (to where I now feel totally non-pregnant), I will stay positive. I will think positive thoughts and try to suppress my my anxiety.

Thursday's beta will be telling. If it looks good, then hopefully my u/s next week will show a little heartbeat. If the beta looks bad, then..well, I'll deal with it then.

For now, my mantra is "I am pregnant. I just don't feel anything, but I am pregnant."

Oh boy, I hope you guys are right about this!

I'm having what Becky would call "Going into my K-Hole"

K-Hole: When one slips into a dark place, for rational or irrational reasons. Can last anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 days.

Ever since I posted my BFP, I've wanted to post a special message to those of you still TTC. I feel we are such kindred spirits, especially those of us who've struggled together for over a year. I've been unable to post that special message yet because I am so worried about losing this very new, very fragile pregnancy. I feel like in a matter of days/weeks, I might be back at the proverbial drawing board.

Tomorrow I hit 5 weeks, but each calendar milestone only makes me more afraid. I have NO symptoms. I feel completely unpregnant. I had maybe some symptoms a few days ago, but they are long gone. It's easier to wave off no symptoms when you're 4 weeks, but now 5 weeks and no change?

I know some women have no symptoms at 5 weeks, but a lot do. I made the mistake of googling lack of symptoms at 5 weeks. The majority of the results I read were women who had no symptoms, like me, and ended up with m/c. They said morning sickness and other symptoms are a sign of a healthy pregnancy. No symptoms can mean your little bean stopped growing, and it's all over.

I can't help but feel like motherhood is slipping through my fingers. It took 16 months to get a BFP, and now it takes a mere instant to lose it all.

My intuition has been wrong through this entire IVF process, so when my gut tells me something is wrong, I realize *I* may be wrong. You have all been right, and I'm sure there's another "I told you so" coming. I hope so!

I can't handle it if I'm losing this pregnancy. I've gained 40 pounds since we started TTC, and 10 pounds of that is just from this IVF cycle. I am fat, I can't fit into ANY clothes anymore, I have horrible body image, and I am embarrassed to leave the house. My legs are like big fleshy fatty tree trunks, my ass doesn't fit into any shorts or jeans, and even my arms are like flabby old lady arms, where the fat/loose skin just hangs off. This is not me. This is not my body!!! But it is. And if I lose this pregnancy, it will devastate me in so many ways. I will have turned my body into a total piece of shit that I'm embarrassed to look at, all for nothing. How could I ever start over with IVF, and willingly put on another 10 pounds.

We went to the Farmer's Market today. I rarely leave the house anymore, except for work, because I feel so horribly fat. The whole time I was holding in tears, I wanted to cry so bad. (I prob will when I finish typing this). I saw so many pregnant bellies all around me, it was like a cruel joke. As I sat on a bench and felt very NOT pregnant, and felt like I'm losing this pregnancy, nonstop pregnant bellies walked past me.

I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why the fock can't I get one real symptom?? Just one thing that would reassure my weak mind that I am ok? We suffered 16 months of SPECTACULAR failure with TTC. It was a nonstop barrage of bad news, how my body doesn't work, how my body is designed to expel or terminate a fetus (at all stages of pregnancy). All it would take is only tiny blood clot from my double mutation of MTHFR, and pregnancy is over. Or my elevated NK cells could get one solid hit in, and game over.

The odds are against me on this one. Modern medicine can help me fight the odds, but the truth is - the odds are stacked against me, with all of my ridic medical issues. This is why I am so worried. For many women, no symptoms at 5 weeks (or lessening symptoms) was a precursor to miscarriage.

I'm going out of my mind, and I can't shake the feeling that this pregnancy is over as quickly as it came this last week. I hate my body and it's medical issues, I hate that we don't have one supportive family member to share this with, I hate that we're out of money and can't afford more cycles, I hate that my body image is shot, I just hate everything right now. I want to crawl under a rock and not come out for a long time.

(And I realize/hope, that in 1 week when my next beta comes in, that it will be perfect, and I can look back on this post and say, "Well, maybe my crying K-hole fit WAS the one symptom I was looking for." I am praying this is the case, but it doesn't feel like it right now)

4 weeks 5 days - no symptoms?

I feel NOTHING. My bloating has gone down 50%, thanks to eating less and drinking only Gatorade. Other than that - my hunger is gone, most twinges/cramps are gone, raging hormones are gone...

I can't help but morbidly worry that "something else" is gone, too. Seriously, if it wasn't for my 10 new pounds of lazy-fat, and my slightly uncomfortable bloating, I'd feel normal.

My ability to question everything amazes me. I am genuinely concerned that I don't feel anything, and I hope Thursday's weekly beta can provide some reassurance. For those of you carrying child, be honest - did you feel symptoms around 5 weeks? Is it odd that I'm not?

I just want a little morning sickness. Not enough to slow me down, but just a token amount so I know poppyseed is ok. :)

The Obligatory Beta Graph

Well, I'm upper end for singleton, lower end for twins. It's anyone's game at this point!

OHSS?

Ok, when I say I am bloated, I mean bloated and looking like I'm 6 months pregnant. It's getting worse by the hour, I think I'll call my IVF doc tomorrow.

A little worried this could be OHSS? Every muscle in my abdomen, from the rib cage down feels so sore/tight. My belly is totally taught, as though I did 1,000 situps. The huge belly is really causing discomfort. It feels like someone pumped 10 pounds of water into my abdomen, and it's stretching my muscles/skin to the max.

Has anyone experienced OHSS, does this sound familiar? Eeeks, I hope everything is ok. Man, whether you are TTC or pregnant, you NEVER STOP DEALING WITH STUFF! Just trading one worry for another, I suppose!

Beta #2

406!

A solid doubling. I'm starting to exhale, although I'll feel much better when we have our 7/27 ultrasound to look for the fetal sac and heartbeat.

I'm noticing more and more pregnancy symptoms now, such as:
1. Bone-ass tired by 2pm. I can't function. I don't know how I can continue working 10 hours a day at work.
2. Can't focus. I can't do my regular work tasks anymore. I'm a little nervous about this. I feel lobotomized.
3. Farting
4. Constipation has crept back with a vengeance. It's been 2 days, it sucks.
5. My peesh is like a damn hand lotion dispenser. All day long this creamy ooze comes out. Now I think it's giving me a yeast infection.
6. I'm bloated beyond all recognition. I truly look 5 months pregnant right now. I'm not kidding.
7. I'm hungry every 2 hours, and eating like a horse. I've put on an easy 5 pounds since transfer, and I'm not kidding about this either. I eat two massive plates of breakfast, 3 lunches, nachos, then for dinner I can eat an entire burrito or KFC dinner in 10 minutes. I really need to get my eating under control. I should at least be eating healthy, but healthy food just doesn't cut it.
I am going to have a very fat baby.
8. Hormones are ALSO doubling every 2 days. I had a nuclear meltdown last night over food. I was feeling very exhausted, headachy, and starving, and I needed food asap. Being hungry when pregnant isn't like anything else I can define. It's a savage-like, live or die kind of hunger. I couldn't find anything that looked good, so I started crying. Becky usually makes me dinner lately, since I'm not feeling well. She was busy in the office, ignoring me due to a work emergency, so I got more upset. I pathetically found a salmon burger and slapped it on the stove. It started to fall apart and turn to mush, so I cried harder. I threw the burger into the sink, but it ended up splatting all over the faucet/backsplash. Crying ensued, followed by a trip to the sofa to go fetal.

Becky heard the commotion, and came out saying "WTF are you doing!" She got pretty angry at me, and cleaned up my mess. I think it really pissed her off. In the end, she got me some KFC, but was pretty angry about it. I felt bad, because I know she hates dealing with me now. I'm not the same person I was a few weeks ago, and I think it's too much for her to handle. I told her I need more coddling right now - this poppy-seed sized thing has taken over my body, and it's very overwhelming. I can't control my hormones 24/7, and I can't help it if I blackout and morph into a psycho hose beast for 10 minutes.

I guess we'll have to figure something out. It's causing me a lot of stress, knowing she's frustrated dealing with me. I can imagine it's just as hard for to "embrace" pregnancy from her perspective, as it is for me to embrace it from my perspective. I am constantly looking at rolled eyes and scowls, which makes the pregnancy harder for me.
Do any "other mothers" out there have advice for her? Any tips on how to deal with a raging hormonal pregnant wife? I feel bad for her, so I hope we can both find a way to navigate all these changes.

First beta results are in

The number is....
196!

Apparently my progesterone is 220, so I can stop my shots tonight. Thank goodness! (Still have to do suppositories, though)

Ohhhh I hope Thursday's beta comes in high!!!!!!! That's my next big milestone. :)

So THAT'S what one looks like...

After painfully holding my pee for 4 hours (which is hard, since PIO makes me need to pee VIOLENTLY every 90 minutes), I used a digital HPT. The "Pregnant" came up within 30 seconds.

I've waited 16 months to post my BFP. Why am I not feeling giddy? :( I honestly have no symptoms, and I really AM terrified about the stupid cervix going hard. The dark side of my brain is telling me this is a chemical, and that in a few days, our beta will confirm that. Why am I so morbid? (Perhaps b/c we've had incredibly devastating bad news piled on us rapidly over the last year) I've been trained to believe nothing will ever go right with me + TTC.

Why can't I just relax and breathe in my first BFP? What's wrong with me? Have 16 months of bad news and TTC mishaps scarred me too much? Has it stolen any joys from an early BFP? Remember, my body was built to be a Terminator to a fetus. I guess there are enough "signs" to me that something could be wrong, and I read that 50%-70% of early BFPs turn into m/c, mainly chemical pregnancies. My women's intuition has been wrong so many times, as you're welcomed to remind me. So far you have all been correct, and I thank you for holding the candle of hope for me, when I'm unable to.

I promise you this. If Thursday's second beta results show numbers increasing, you will see the happiest Carrie you've seen since I started this blog. We will have a massive BFP e-party. I am praying for good news on Thursday, and will reserve my joy until then.

For now, I will stare at this 'pregnancy' sign until the digital clicks off. I honestly didn't think I'd ever see this. It's like looking at a unicorn.

F***

Tonight my cervix feels low and hard. Up until yesterday it was soft and medium-high. This seems like a bad omen. Even if I do have a pregnancy, maybe its just chemical? Not sure if a BFP tomorrow will calm my nerves or not, now.

Donor Celebrity Look-a-Like

(Sorry, no news yet on the pregger front. I may try a HPT tomorrow or Monday. For now, I am desperately trying to get rid of this migraine. I reluctantly just took my second Tyl3nol w/codeine. Please work.)

As some of you know, CCB now has a "Donor Celebrity Look-a-Like" program, where you can see which male celebs your donor most closely matches. They had an odd list of celebs, more B and C List, versus A list.

Our of curiosity, I looked up our donor. His matches are funny, and not too shabby!
1) Ricky Martin - cute!
2) Robert Kardashian - I love this, since I'm a huge Keeping up with the Kardashians fan.
3) Shia LeBoeuf - I don't think he's cute, but many tweens do.

All three guys are decent looking, but they each look SO different from each other. So who really knows who our donor looks like.

Could you imagine if your donor was matched with Danny DeVito, Carrot Top, or Gilbert Gottfried?

And now let's play "Explain that Symptom!"

Our contestant today has 5 seconds to explain each symptom. Ready? Start the clock!

Symptom #1: Woke up feeling pukey. Dry heaved in the bathroom. Feel nauseas. Can't eat anything.
Explanation: Still have a HORRIBLE migraine, which causes unending nausea like this. Tyl3nol w/codeine didn't even work.

Symptom #2: Had zits and greasy hair for a few days. (gone now)
Explanation: Progesterone causes this.

Symptom #3: Slippery pulse, according to acupuncturist.
Explanation: Acupuncturist says meds I'm on also cause this type of pulse.

Symptom #4: Hungry as a MOFO 24/7. Stomach growls loudly within 30 minutes of eating.
Explanation: Progesterone makes me hungry, and migraines trigger my hunger reflexes.

Symptom #5: Cry at everything, including totally inappropriate parts of movies. (That in no way should induce any kind of tears)
Explanation: progesterone

And now, the $50,000 question...

Symptom #6: Fingernails stronger than I've ever seen, and are growing really fast.
Explanation: I haven't bitten them lately, but I can NOT explain how they got so thick. You got me there, sir.

Methinks I will test before my Tuesday beta. Fingers crossed. I'd rather know, either way, instead of getting the news while sitting at my desk at work!

A little (false) hope?

I had my acupuncture appt just now. She mainly treated my migraine today (although it barely took an edge off the pain). I explained to her how I have no pregnancy symptoms, and am a little bummed out.

So check this out, and tell me what you think.

She took my pulse, and I was secretly hoping she'd say, "Well, your pulse feels slippery, so that might be a good sign!" I figured if it felt "pregnant," she would at least let me know there's hope, right? She didn't say a word, and continued on with treatment. I was terribly anxious, and worried at her lack of comment.

I finally mustered the courage to ask, "Is it true that pregnant women have a different pulse?" She said yes, and that there are many different kinds of pulses: slippery, wiry, hollow, heavy, etc. I could tell my tactic wasn't working, so I flat-out asked, "How would you classify mine?"

Her response: "I would say your pulse feels slippery, and somewhat wiry. Slippery is what we'd want to feel right now. The problem is - the drugs you're on right now interfere and can cause the same pulse feeling, so it's hard to know what's real."

OK ladies, break this down for me.
Do you think she REALLY felt a slippery pulse, or is she just being nice (and covering herself assuming I'm not pregnant). I can see her not wanting to tell me bad news today, such as, "And then there's another kind of pulse that is the 'not pregnant' pulse, and that's the one you have."
Do progesterone and L0venox REALLY interfere with pulse?

It KILLS me how anytime there is a possible symptom, it can be explained by a non-pregnancy factor. let me give you a quick list of examples:
1) My gums bled slightly when brushing today. Hold your horses, don't get excited. I flossed last night, and I sliced into my gums really bad. I think I triggered that same cut in my gums again today. It seemed localized to that spot.
2) Nausea today. Wait up. I ALWAYS get nausea with migraines of this intensity. Always.
3) Fingernails seem stronger/longer. Well, I haven't bitten them the past week, and I'm a chronic nailbiter, usually.
4) Possible slippery pulse. Apparently, the meds I'm on cause this.

Can't a girl get a freaking "au naturelle" symptom, that can't be explained by some other chemical or behavioral phenomenon?

6dp5dt (11dpo) - Bleh

==Update: You guys are the best. I so much appreciate every comment you leave. Since I've been off work this week, I've been obsessively checking my blog, your blogs, and g00gling. haha. Although my recent symptoms (fatigue and zits) are long gone now, I'll throw you one bone. I noticed today my fingernails are growing faster/stronger. Is it a sign, or is it because I haven't bitten them the past week? You decide. :) ==

Folks, I think this cycle is a bust. Still no symptoms at all, but even more telling, my pre-AF migraine arrived last night with a BANG. It's a 7 out of 10 on my scale of migraine pain. (I think a level 4 would put most people in the hospital) :)

So now I have to wait until Tuesday to get confirmation, so that I can finally take my RX. IN the meantime, there is only a 10% chance it will go away on its own.

I sense a brand new "Failure Crown" coming my way. The IVF one. I shall add it to the shelf, along with the rest: My 8 IUI failure crowns, my MTHFR disorder crown, my polyp/fibroid crown, my endometriosis crown, my recurrent cysts crown, etc.

Totally sound like Debbie Downer, don't I? Wah wahhhhhhhhhhh. ;-)

Stoopid nurses

Earlier today I "K-holed" a little, as B would call it. I broke down for 20 minutes, then collected myself. Fast forward to 2 hours later. My RE's nurses called to respond to a question I had. While on the phone, the following conversation ensued:

Me: "Umm, is it normal to be 5 days past transfer, and not feel ANYTHING? Not even a twinge or a cramp or anything?"
Nurse (sounding bummed out): "Ohhhh, well......many women feel something by now. But you know, there ARE some women who don't feel anything until later in pregnancy. Maybe you are really lucky and won't have any symptoms?"

That conversation did no favors for my soul. I know so many of you also had no symptoms, except for AF-cramping and stuff. Shoot, I don't even have AF symptoms. No cramps, no twinges. FML.

In 5 days I will have my beta, and I PRAY you can all say "BFP! I TOLD YOU SO!" :)

5dp5dt (10 DPO) - Where my symptoms at??

==Update later in the day: So much for my greasy face/hair symptoms. Now I'm reading that PIO shots cause greasy skin. Well dammit anyway.===

There is an eerie silence in the symptom department. I honestly couldn't feel less pregnant than I do now.

The good:
I had a few tiny zits yesterday. It seems my cervix is still soft, although felt a bit firmer. I had a ton of creamy cm at 7pm yesterday (but this is likely progesterone suppository leaking out).

The bad:
I do NOT have any of the following: no pronounced veins, not a single twinge, no implant spotting, no nausea, no more exhaustion (high energy today, wth!), no sense of smell, no cravings or aversions, no 'feeling' of pregnancy.

The really bad:
I think my signature 'knot in neck' pre-AF headache is appearing.

I'm trying hard to keep faith alive, I am. How is it even possible to get a BFN? My doc transferred 2 flawless, 98th percentile quality HATCHING eggs! My uterus he said was ideal, it had a 12mm triple stripe lining. Guys, if this one is a BFN, I am a certifiable complete failure. :(

And now for a little sarcastic humor. I hate those stupid TWW symptom sites. It's annoying when some women will attribute the most ridic things to a BFP, and also give this huge rundown of symptoms at 1DPO, (a week before implantation!).

Here is a typical TWW symptom entry - the kind that make me laugh:

1DPO = really sore bbs, must be a sign!
2DPO = sore bbs, huge waves of nausea, DH said I must be pregnant
3DPO = lots of twinges, nausea, sudden aversion to chicken
4DPO = strong sense of smell, really dizzy and nauseas today. So exciting!
5DPO = I think I felt the baby move today!
6DPO = Baby still moving, my bbs kill, I can feel those pregnancy hormones
7DPO = gums bled when I brushed my teeth really hard, must be a sign!
8DPO = bbs still hurt when I squeeze them really hard
9DPO = BFP!
Things I did differently this month - they must have worked!
1) Slept on my left side, instead of my right
2) We BD'd doggie style
3) Swallowed my gum by accident
4) Ate 4 peanut M&Ms each night
5) Got my haircut super short


Le sigh.

Out of 10,000 symptoms, I have 1.5

I finally found one little possible symptom (but now I'm not sure if this happens every month before AF?)

While I'm otherwise asymptomatic, I found 3 tiny whiteheads on my chin today, as well as 1-2 of them on my chest. I feel like I finally have something I can check off, on the laundry list of symptoms women get.

Granted, it's been 3 months since I've had a regular period (not on birth control). It's possible I have simply forgotten that I get little zits around this time.

The ".5" symptom is that after I ran a few errands today, I got so freaking exhausted. I had to lay down for an hour, and I never do that. (This gets a .5, since progesterone does this to me every time)

Ok God. I'm gonna make a deal with you. If you let these little white zits bring a BFP, I will donate to charity every single month. :)

4dp5dt (9dpo)

Damn. I woke up hoping to feel some symptoms today. Nothing. There is a startling lack of symptoms, in fact.

Isn't it silly how we do this in the TWW? We wake up like it's xmas day, hoping to feel symptoms? Well, even without symptoms, here is how my day will go:

Typical TWW Day (since I'm on vaca this week):

* Wake up - lay in bed for a few minutes, trying to feel for symptoms
* Check blog (get warm fuzzies from responses)
* G00gle "4dp5dt symptoms"
* Spend 2 hours reading about other people's "4dp5dt" symptoms, none of which I have
* Sulk for an hour
* Get birthday present for dog
* Check blog again
* Spend the next 2 hours desperately g00gling: "bfp with no symptoms," "no symptoms at 4dp5dt + bfp," etc
* Read blogroll
* Marvel at how the ONLY time I ever feel little twinges in my belly is when I am reading about other people's symptoms. LOL.

If this turns into a BFN, this is one ultimate rejection I won't be able to handle. It will be like the Griswold's driving for 2 weeks across the country, with aunt Edna dying in the backseat, braving the forces of nature, only to arrive at Wally World and see the "Closed for 2 weeks" sign.

Eww, why is my CP so low?

I know it's still early, but it's getting harder to hold onto hope. AF is due in 6 days. In every IUI cycle, my CP (cervical position) would get lower and lower, right around this time, in preparation for AF. (versus saying high after implantation)

Every night I have to stick two things up my cooch: the Par.lodel pill, and the 'silver bullet.' What sucks with inserting the pill is that I can feel my cervix. Today it is considerably lower than it was yesterday. I almost don't want to know that, you know?

My body is following it's usual 'getting ready for AF' process. Absolutely nothing different from any other failed IUI cycle, only this time we paid $16k for a BFN.

I know, it's still early and a BFP is possible. I hear myself saying that, but I wish I believed it more. I truly hope there's a BFP for me next Tuesday.

(Did any BFP'ers out there have a low cervix before your BFP?)

3dp5dt. (8dpo)

I have been scanning my body 24/7 for symptoms, and have succumbed to those TWW sites.
I've got a whole lotta NUTTIN' going on. It's been so long since I've been in a TWW, I forgot how to handle myself. I guess with everything we've put into this IVF cycle, I was kinda hopin' Mother Nature would graciously throw me a few token symptoms like nausea, sore nips, anything.

I hate those TWW sites - all of them have strong symptoms by now, which makes me lose hope. Even my temperature is really low. if I were preggers, it would be higher now. (And since my blasts were already hatching before transfer, my RE said implantation would happen in the first 36-48 hours. Now it's 72 hours, so too late for implantation dip)

It's still early, but my faith is slipping fast. It was nice to feel that "magic hopefulness" again, if only for a few days. I haven't felt that since our first few IUIs. Although with magic hopefulness comes a darker BFN storm. I hope that I am one of those women who get no symptoms before a BFP. Please please please...

A Little Symptom or Two Would Be Nice...

It's 2dp5dt. (That is difficult to type fast)

No symptoms to speak of yet. Maybe a little warmth/crampiness in my abdomen area, but it doesn't feel implantation-like. The PIO and progesterone bullets I'm taking contribute to a lot of crampiness for me.

Bedrest is tough. I'm taking it easy today, which means I can putter around the house. Taking it easy gives one a lot of quiet time to reflect on symptoms. (or lack thereof).

Did anyone else who did IVF feel symptoms 2 days after 5-day transfer? (or 4 days after 3dt?)

My only concern now is that, I remembered my hysteroscopy report from 4 months ago. The report said they found a ridge/slight coating over the top of my uterus. They decided not to remove it since I had no history of recurrent loss. (Those idiots! I had the surgery because I'd had 8 failed IUIs! Doesn't that mean something?) So I am a LITTLE worried that my two beautiful blastocysts are struggling to implant because of that coating.

let's hope they are hearty little dudes (or dudettes). But back to symptoms, any IVF'ers out there have stories for me?

Transfer complete!

Transfer went great. It was so surreal to see them push two living, pulsating little "beings" into my ute. RE said that 7 of my eggs made it to expanded-blast stage. (The others made it to morula stage) He said my embryo quality was in the 98% percentile of his clients!!! We transferred two "flawless, highest quality embryos", and froze 3. He said by tomorrow, he thinks we have have 2-4 more to freeze.

Here are a few pics for you!