What do you think?

Sorry I've been MIA. This birth control thing makes life really nice. I am remembering what it's like to not be TTC-stressed all the time.

First, the good news - I bought a 2008 Rav4 on Sunday! My 1998 Altima is on it's last leg, so I used up all our IVF money to get a Rav4. Didn't want to spend our IVF savings, but I DID need a new car badly.

TTC news:
My RE wants me to buy 2 900iu pens of Gonal-F, plus another 450iu one. WTF!!!!! That's $2500! I didn't even use half of my last Menopur amount she had me buy. I think she's ordering too much. They will want me to take 225iu per night for up to 10 days. I asked WHY. I only took 150iu of Menopur for 3 days before I got a supersized 20mm follie.

They said "well you only had one follicle last time." I think they are totally missing the point. I had a leading follicle, because I wasnt on birth control. and it grew to 20mm after 3 days of 150iu. I feel like if I'm on BC now, and I take 225ius, even with multiple follies - they will be HUGE. ill have too many and they'll be huge.

Now here is where I need your advice!
I had my last IVF phone consult today - this is with the clinic we think we want to use. he said I need to get another SHG and some immunology testing done now, which I will do. He said he thinks I will end up getting IVF anyway, since the IUIs have all not worked. He feels very confident that it will work for me - so much, that he offered the shared risk package. He said to go ahead and try one more IUI with meds, but then to seriously consider IVF.

i am afraid of IVF. It seems like a big scary monster to me. An EXPENSIVE monster. After this IUI cycle, I will have about $8k left in my lifetime fertility benefits. I want the 2-round IVF plan, so that's $20k (if you include meds for both cycles) I just really want to get pregnant with IUI, without all the heinous procedures.

Those of you who've done IVF, can you talk me down from the ledge? Also, do you think I should do 1 or 2 more rounds of IUI with meds? I've done one so far, without BC - and it was a disaster. I still feel like I could get pregnant with IUI, if we find the right timing with BC, meds, etc.

I don't know what to do.

Jon & Kate (& AllState, too!)

Jon & Kate made me vomit in my mouth tonight. Did you catch that horribly awkward AllState plug by Jon? (Right after an AllState commercial, no less) "I have a lot of work to do. My AllState agent told me to check out some tips on their website. So I am going to check out some money saving tips."

For real? Oh man, ok. Allow me to vent.

I used to love this show. I defended Kate, too. She was just crazy because she had to keep a tight ship. She was just misunderstood, right?

Well, now I feel like I've seen Kate's true side. Loveless, heartless, selfish, self-absorbed, mean to her husband, mean to her kids. She won't let her kids be kids. She won't let Jon be Jon. She demands attention. Kate makes my skin crawl.

I'll bet you $1M that the reason their new nanny "is kept private" is not because she's shy. It's because Kate has already decided, and made it quite public that she doesn't want anyone (but herself) to make money off the show. This is why she kicked her friends off the show, too. They were being offered money for all the time they're on camera, and Kate wouldn't have it. How ungrateful!!! For all the help she's been given!

The show used to be innocent. Now it's Kate letting fame to her head, it's watching the family get free VIP access to every event, making them even harder to relate to. And now the product placement....

I don't know if I can watch this horrible show anymore. Is anyone else going through viewer's remorse?

Birth Control.

I picked up my birth control just now. I'm 33 years old and I've never been on birth control.
I'm staring at it, thinking, "Do I stick these up my a**?" (just kidding)

I start on Sunday. Still cracks me up - I never thought I'd be on birth control. Hopefully this will help make IUI#9 a success.

Negative Blood Test: It's Official

Just got my results - negative blood test. I'm not surprised! I started full-flow AF yesterday, so I was doubtful.

Here's the deal. This is the one time I am NOT sulking. Next time if it's a BFN I'll sulk. Amazingly, it's been 1 year now of TTC. Amazingly, I am sitting here smiling and not my usual 2-day inconsolable crying. I think maybe B was right, I need a break.

i start BC pills on Sunday, and about 3 weeks later I will come in for an u/s. They will check my cyst. For the next 3 weeks, I can't do anything but WALK for exercise. Kill me now! usually this is the time when I jack up my workouts to burn off all the fertility med weight gain. Oh well.

In the spirit of not sulking, we made plans for the weekend! It's our first weekend getaway in (what must be) 6 months. with all the RE appts, I never get time to go out of town.

We're going up to Healdsburg/Sonoma, and bringing the dog. We're going wine tasting, dining in Calistoga, hitting the big casino, and even hitting some breweries. :) I'm really excited for the weekend.

I'm going to enjoy this feeling of content. Pretty soon the melancholy and depression will come back, once we start the next cycle.

Here's one lez who never thought she'd be on birth control pills!

13DPO - Negative HPT

I saw it coming. AF is already peeking through the progesterone. I called my RE. I get a blood test tomorrow, and then assuming it's negative, they will put me on BC for 3 weeks.

Poor B has had a terrible day at work. She recently joined a new team at her company, and she's on a huge learning curve. Apparently, her group ripped her a new one today during a presentation of hers. She said they are frustrated with her work, which led her to crying in her meeting, then uncontrollable crying in the company bathroom.

I feel so bad for her. This all happened 2 hours after we got the BFN. I'm at peace with the BFN, and now I can focus on my girl. Poor thing. :(

12DPO - More of the Same. (Nothing)

I'm already spotting through the progesterone. All my AF symptoms are banging at the door.

All of my pregnancy-like symptoms disappeared 10DPO. No major headaches (just minor ones). Granted, I'm bloated and about 5lbs heavier - but that's progesterone. Other than that, I feel completely asymptomatic. I did get 5 zits on my chin, which isn't too common for me. Again, progesterone.

I'm prepared for Thursday's BFN. I'll take a surprise BFP, but I've got my expectations set. If it's a BFN, we're trying to take off for the weekend. Maybe Napa with the dog?

IVF News:
We attended yet another IVF seminar last night - Stanford IVF. A coworker did 3 unsuccessful rounds here, so I'm not as inclined to use them. They have nice doctors, and I like that they will accept anyone. They don't care if you're 41 and have had 10 unsuccessful IVF cycles. They aren't a private practice that cares about their statistics. Perhaps if we are unlucky in IVF, we may end up here.

We still have another IVF seminar next Monday, then 1-2 phone consults, and 1-2 financial consults. We're getting there! So far my personal top 2 clinics: Zouves Fertility Center & Nova IVF. The doc last night said a follicle over 22, but especially over 25 is too big. it would contain an egg that's "too ripe." I look back on my 4 IUIs since my surgery. 3 of the 4 I had follies of 25mm+, and my doctor insisted we go through with the expense of IUI. From now on, if I get supersized follie, I am self-canceling. Eff that stupid doctor, and every stupid doctor I've had that treats me like a robot.

Pop Question:
What are your thoughts on pre-implantation genetic testing? It would be nice to see ahead of time if some embryos have severe issues, and to see gender.....but it also leaves some potential ethical issues. If you see a blastocyst with Cystic Fibrosis, is it wrong to not use that one? Is it wrong to genetically screen and choose embryos? What happens when they find a gay gene, and now people can stop accepting gay children? It's a very big issue, and I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer. it's just a personal decision. having said that, I'm curious to get your thoughts. Discuss! :)

10DPO - Whole lotta nothin'

Well, I made it into the double digits. 4 days left. I've had a killer migraine for about 4-5 days. It's resistant to everything. I've pumped myself full of Class C meds, and some Tylenol w/codeine to boot. I've likely jeopardized any opportunity for implantation again.

My bbs were hurting (from the men0pur), and I was having some twinges in my ute area. Last night was bad with meds. I go as long as I can without taking anything, but once my migraine gets to a 9/10 (scale of pain), I have to take something. Last night I had my Class C pill, and two tylenol w/codeines. F***. I had no choice, it was THAT bad.

I woke up this morning. Migraine still there. ALL symptoms are gone. Even my nips are no longer painful. Do you think I de-implanted? :-S

This will be my Halloween costume.

8DPO - Halfway there!

One week left to go. No symptoms, really. I feel nausea this morning, but that's because I have a migraine. I've had a migraine every day for 3 days. I'm like "eff it" - and I'm taking my Class C meds. But the headache keeps coming back.

We went to another IVF seminar this week. There was actually another "family" couple there, which was cool. We've still got another 3-4 consults to go. My current doc doesn't do free seminars OR free phone consults. Do you know what she charges, if you want to ask a few questions? $470! No thanks.

Wishing all of you in the TWW much success this time. This round was another wacky cycle hail mary for us, so I don't have much faith in it. It is what it is.

My Body is a Carnival

You know that John Mayer song, "Your Body is a Wonderland?" Well in my case, my body is more like a carnival. A carnival in a trailer park.

I had my IUI last Thursday. Since then, I've had HORRIBLE cramps in my left ovary, and even woke up to debilitating pelvic pain. For the past 4 days, I've had extreme bloating, severe cramps, and lots of random pain.

I finally broke down and went to see my RE today. She took a look, and blurted out, "Ummm, no wonder you're in a lot of pain!"

Diagnosis:
1. My giant follicle had ruptured and spilled lots of free-floating fluid into my pelvic cavity. (causing severe cramps)
2. That giant follicle has now become a giant 4cm blood-filled cyst. Yes. I said 4cm and I said blood-filled.
3. Some of that blood is leaking into my left ovary. Hence, the pain.
4. I have two other smaller cysts on the same ovary.

I feel better knowing it wasn't constipation! I knew it wasn't. This pain is something I can't explain. I can't button my pants, I can sit up straight. Bleh.

But here's the amazing part: I feel fine mentally. Maybe it's because we've had non-stop obstacles and bad news, and now I'm turning into the crazy person who laughs at carnage. Perhaps, though, it's because this will force us onto a much-needed break. It will take a few weeks for the cyst to go away. As much as I knew I needed a break after all these crazy fast and furious fertility meds and procedures, it's hard to put the brakes on. It's hard to stop when you want something so bad.

This settles the matter for me. We're taking a break, whether we like it or not. Deep down, perhaps I do like it. My RE said total pelvic rest, little to no exercise. She said absolutely do not bike ride. Well, two days ago we'd planned a 2 hour strenuous bike ride, and oddly, Becks got two flat tires in less than 15 minutes. I rode back to get the car. We never ended up doing more than 20 minutes of biking.

Maybe someone was watching out for me. :)

PS - THANK YOU to everyone for your thoughtful comments to my last post. They meant so much to me, and I read them all multiple times. I really don't know what I'd do without all you kind people in the blogosphere!

The State of Me

Things aren't going too good. I've slipped into a massive funk, and I can't get out of it. I need more than meds; I need something earth shattering to JERK me out of this. One of the following would need to happen:
* My family becomes truly loving towards me, instead of critical about my family/being gay
* Prop 8 is overturned
* I lose 20 lbs
* I get pregnant

Sorry to say, but the odds of all of these are slim to none. I'm sure many of you TTC veterans have been in a similar place. If you will indulge me, it will feel good to put my cards on the table.

I am tired.
I am tired of being depressed.
I am tired of being angry (i.e. family, prop 8, mormon attacks).
I am tired of trying to keep track of how many IUI's we've had. (for the record, our 8th one was today).
I am tired of not knowing what's ME anymore. I am so pumped full of mood-inducing chemicals.
I am tired of being a pin-cushion.
I am tired of having weird drugs swirling inside me.
I am tired of gaining 2-3lbs a month from TTC drugs and low-impact TWWs.
I am tired of migraines in the TWW.
I am tired of my family being so fucking self-absorbed in their fucking Mormonism.
I am tired of having to be nice and patient with those who "tolerate" my lifestyle. Like they deserve fucking medals, when I am the one whose being is constantly attacked religiously, politically, and socially. No no, let's be nice and go easy on family when they act half-human and tolerant. I'm the one who should be tolerant of THEIR lifestyle. Fuck them.
Like I said, I am tired of being angry.
I am tired of puking hard-earned money towards TTC.
I am tired of making excuses to get out of work 3-5x a month for appts.
I am tired of researching IVF, IUIs, injectables, clinics, etc.
I am tired of combing through hundreds of donor profiles.
I am tired of my clothes being too tight.
I am tired of work, and not being able to focus. Don't they realize I'm desperately TTC, and can't they leave me alone?
I am tired of Republicans.
I am tired of religitards.
I am tired of working out as often as I can, and eating healthy, and not losing a single pound.
I am tired of BFN HPTs.
I am tired of - blood tests.
I am tired of everyone around me, including the clown-car vagina Duggar wife and anorexic Nicole Richie getting pregnant again.
I am tired of peeing on sticks.
I am tired of not being able to do the things I like during the TWW.
I am tired of my life and thoughts revolving 24/7 around TTC.
I am tired of my feet in stirrups.
I am tired of that goddamn speculum.
I am tired of wishing, hoping and praying.
I am tired of unrequited optimism with each TWW.
I am tired of watching my blogroll fill up with BFPs, when I'm still stuck in BFNs.
I am tired of being the ONLY person left in my lesbian TTC group who isn't pregnant.
I am tired of progesterone suppositories, and the subsequent leakage, buildup, bloating, and weight gain.
I am tired of not being able to talk about anything but TTC.
I am tired of not responding to FSH meds.
I am tired of only getting one supersized, unhealthy follicle.
I am tired of frozen sperm's shelf life.
I am tired of BBTs.
I am tired of fertilitea.
I am tired of pineapple.
I am tired of Baby Story, and every TV show and commercial that involves a child.
I am tired of pregnant bellies wherever I go.
I am tired of crying.
I am tired of sobbing.
I am tired of trying to hide the crying and sobbing.
I am tired of my doctor's not giving me personalized treatment.
I am tired of my ovaries aching.
I am tired of 12 months of BFNs now.
I am tired of holding my pee.
I am tired of having no idea if there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am tired of running out of new protocols to try.
I am tired of reading every TTC message board ever.
I am tired of having fake pregnancy symptoms.
I am tired of reading twoweekwait.com over and over.
I am tired of exhausting myself into finding hope.
I am tired of being let down.
I am tired.

Today's 8th IUI was uneventful. Doc said my follicle was deflating, so I probably O'd in the last 12 hours. I tried to do something different, as I lay there for 30 min. I brought my ipod and listened to fertility chants, and even played some love songs for my egg, so she and the sperm could have a love affair. After about 15 minutes, I was finally relaxed. Nurse opened the door and basically told me I had to leave. I guess they needed the room. It totally broke my zen.

The one good thing today, is that despite being depressed, sleepy, and late to leave work - I went from work to the gym. Once I pulled up to the gym, I realized I'd forgotten my gym bag. Head hung low, and teary eyes, I just drove home. And here I am now.

Thanks for listening, and I apologize for such a depressing post.

Fuck!

== Update: My IUI is occurring Thursday, 2 days after my u/s. if my follie was 20mm today, won't it be 25-30mm by Thursday? (The Men0pur is making it grow 4-5mm a day) I feel like Thursday will be a dud, the follie will be too big to be healthy/fertilized. Everything I'm reading says on injectables, you don't want your follie greater than 20) Is my RE a dumbass with scheduling my IUI two days from now?==

I had my CD7 u/s. After 4 days of Men0pur, I have ONE follicle. Nothing else. My RE was expecting to see 3-4.

I have one. And that ONE is already too big (25mm). I trigger tonight, and do another hail mary IUI on Thursday. That's CD9, folks!

She said I may be one of those women who don't respond to injectables. If so, this rules out the possibility of IVF, too. We're going to try Gonal-F, but she doesn't think that will make a difference.

Has anyone else had issues responding to injectables? Did anything else work? I can't believe I have one massive follie again.

I'm struggling to face the facts here.....that my lifelong wish of being a mother, and conceiving my own child, may be gone. I'm seriously beside myself right now. This can't be real.

Boy, am I sick

I've come down with the virus of all viruses. I'm home sick today, and plan on staying home tomorrow. Every cold symptom to the max. At first, I was nervous about doing an IUI this week, then realized maybe it's a good thing. perhaps I have those killer cells that prevent implantation, and now my low immune system will lower my killer cells. Who knows.

Today is day 4 of Men0pur, and we drop from 150iu to 75iu. My abdomen feels really swollen, and my ovaries have been aching. I joked with Becky, that my "ovaries feel like microwave popcorn!" *pop pop pop pop* Lots of kernels popping in there. :)

I'm trying to be optimistic with this cycle. Visualization, and I even downloaded a fertility meditation podcast. We're 90% decided on only doing 3 cycles with injections, before IVF.

I'm also still thinking about selective reduction. I don't know how I could end the life of my child, when their heart is beating. having said that, I also don't want to put my other children's lives at grave risk. I just don't know. I'm semi comfortable with SD if I had quads. Triplets is where I'm on the fence.

My CD7 u/s is tomorrow. We'll see how I responded to the meds. (I'm already getting EWCM, is that bad?) I started watching Baby Story again today. (I'd boycotted it after our 4th BFN). There was a scene where a woman is pushing, pushing...and then you hear her baby's first cry. I suddenly started sobbing.

I so much, and for so long, have wanted to hear OUR baby's first cry.