At the starting line????

AF arrived in full force today. You know what this means - my IVF cycle has possibly begun! I am FREAKING OUT.

I visit my IVF clinic tomorrow for my CD2 follie count, FSH/estradiol, and some immunology bloodwork. My doc will then decide on a protocol, which I'm guessing will be microdose or microflare.

You knew this was coming, so please indulge the freakout session below.

My FEARS:
1) I am still waiting to get 5 blood test results from my PCP. It's been a nightmare getting the results, and they say they have them, then they don't, etc. I go in tomorrow morning to pick up the results. I suspect all 5 missing ones won't be in there. This means I'd have to redo the tests again, which my insurance probably won't pay for and since they are "custom" tests and sent offsite, it takes 1-2 weeks for results.
2) If I do the microflare, they only have you on birth control for 3 weeks, MAX 4 weeks. So this means that all of my missing labwork must be in before then, or the cycle is called off.
3) if some of these test results come in next week, it may be too late. If i test positive for some tests, they need me on meds for 3 weeks during birth control. They said if this is the case, it's another reason my IVF cycle may be called off until next month.
4) This is really happening!!!
5) I still am not convinced they can fix my leading follicle issue....where I get one giant 30mm follie after 2 days of injections. No other follies.
6) I will be missing a LOT of work for monitoring on BC, then daily monitoring during injectables, then retrieval then transfer. it's going to be shit-hard to get out of work this much, especially when I am supposed to be in last minute critical client meetings.

I dunno. We'll see if they can fix the poor responder issue. I will need to buy more meds. I have one 900iu gonal-f pen, and 13 vials of 75iu menopur. im sure ill need more for ivf.

I am just TERRIFIED that I won't get all the final labs in on time....and will miss my window. I suppose worst case scenario is that it gets delayed another month.

If everything goes according to plan (ha!), I could be doing my retrieval as soon as 4 weeks from now!

I truly hope IVF works for me. It would make me so happy.

Photos from Memorial Day Weekend

Methinks it's time for a photo post! My good friend came to visit me from Boston, and we did quite a lot: SF/GG Bridge, Santa Cruz, Capitola, Los Gatos and Saratoga Wine tasting, Hakone Gardens. What's great is all of these things are between 10 minutes and 1 hour from my condo! weeeeee! here are some pics for ya:

I'm still here. :)

It's been a few weeks. Sorry for the radio silence. We had a weeklong offsite for work, then I had a friend in town. And...truth be told, I needed a break.

I'm slowly getting through all my pre-IVF testing. Mostly done now, just waiting for a few more tests, and some results to come in. Might take a few more weeks. Then it all starts again!

It's been so nice to have the last 2 months off. No meds, no weird moods, no shots, no birth control, no appointments. Just me. The real me. The me I was before we started TTC.

I look at the gigantic binder of IVF materials, with sample calendars, and I almost dread it. "Do I have it in me to start this up again?"

Well, either way, I must press forward and try. Until things heat up again, life is pretty boring on the TTC front.

In other news.....

CA Supreme Court FAIL. CA can kiss my ass. Obama can REALLY kiss my ass. I sent him a bitch-out letter last week. He'd made us so many promises, and now the white house is saying he does NOT plan to repeal DADT, and you know he'll pussy out on repealing DOMA. I really now believe that Obama is a snake oil salesmen. He's avoiding the gay community, allowing more medaled servicemen and women to be discharged at a time of national security needs, and his lack of care, interest and attention to the LGBT community is OFFENSIVE.

I told him I'm sorry I ever believed in his campaign of change, and that he was a leader. I am friends with the gay man who single-handedly managed Obama's online initiatives with Facebook, which helped get the youth vote out. What a nice thanks to the man who helped him get elected!

Obama can suck it. He knows we have no other choice when voting. Someone please tell me I'm wrong, and not seeing things clearly. Because I can't handle this realization that Obama is a phony...on the day the CA Supreme Court upholds Prop 8.

Last Day at Home!

Bugger, today is my last day before I return to work. I am feeling much better since last week's laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. The incision sites hurt, and I found out I'm allergic to adhesives. I removed the bandages days ago, but there are huge red welts exactly where the adhesive tape used to be. It itches something fierce, like poison oak!

I can walk around pretty good, yay! I haven't worked out at all for over a week, and I'm going to try the gym today. My lungs still feel so compressed for some reason. The CO2 is out of my shoulders, finally. (It left a few days ago) The real lingering thing is the exhaustion, I am so tired, I need naps all day. I usually wake up at 7am, because I can't sleep in. Now I wake up at 9am, and I'm so groggy. Getting up early tomorrow will h-u-r-t!

Well, it was nice being at home the past week. I guess all good things must come to an end. :)

Desperately Seeking Fulfillment.

You guys rock, what can I say. It's always amazing (and comforting) to know that when you "say" something in the blogosphere, people hear and respond. Even when all else fails, you guys are there. :) I appreciate all the kind comments, and I, too, value you all as extended family!

Things died down a bit with my mom today. She actually *almost* apologized. Still, I do need to think about how I manage our relationship. I don't know if I'm ready to cut ties, but if SHE wanted to, I'd be fine. My mom would make me feel like such an asshole if I cut ties, and I don't know if I want that stress right now. I think I'll just disengage a bit, and vow to never try and have a meaningful conversation with my mom again. (this includes topics of: our family, my relationship with my mom, my relationship with Becky, my want to have kids, politics, religion, etc)

Right now I need to find some zen. Between politics, my mom, TTC, and feeling like I'm in this void...not where I was meant to be at this stage in my life...I need something to center me. I had a mini meltdown the other day, and a lot of it is this horrible feeling inside me, that I'm getting older and older, and my life didn't go as planned. I was supposed to have 1-2 babies by now. I wasn't supposed to have all these challenges, and still be trying to get pregnant. By now, I should have had a small child to take to the zoo, to the park, to Disneyland. My life needs meaning right now, and the big void is that we don't have children. All I want is to be focused on my children, and providing a rich life for them. Yet here I am, 33, no BFP in sight.

I read my sister's blog. She has that super American nuclear family Mormon blog. She's got her three little kids, her great husband, and posts pictures and stories of all the darling things her kids do. Their camping trips, their beach trips, pictures of the crazy birthday cakes my sister makes for them. Even the funny stories where my nephew tried to run away, and sat on a suitcase at the end of the driveway. She has this really cute family, and I can tell she is so fulfilled. I know she wakes up every day, so thankful for her life and family. She has everything she could ever want. And I feel like I'm staring through the window, watching her live a life of fulfillment, that I am lacking.

I never wanted to be an old mom. I feel like these last few years, I've derailed in life. I am supposed to be a MOM right now, not someone drifting through life, getting drunk with friends, going to restaurants, watching TV every night, etc. Those activities are so meaningless right now, you know? Nothing would bring me greater joy than being a parent, and I'm ALWAYS acutely aware that my life is missing that meaning. If I could just get that damn BFP, my life would be on a meaningful path again.

(Warning: Depressing analogy ahead)
For those of you still TTC, don't you feel like you're sitting at a bus stop? We're clutching our little bags against the rain and wind, waiting for our bus. Our bus never comes. While we wait, we see all of our other family members and friends go by on their buses. Their happy buses whiz by, splattering muddy water on us. Why won't our bus come pick us up? Why did everyone else get on a bus, except us?

So I am sitting here, trying to figure out what mental therapy I need. I'm sure meditating, volunteering, arts and crafts could distract me. It's hard to focus on anything, though. After this grueling last 14 months, and the grueling journey ahead. I am so exhausted, that I can't focus on work or anything else. I can barely read my celeb magazines. :)

I'm sure some of y'all know what I'm talking about! :)

I really hate my mom

I've come to the conclusion that I will never know what it's like to have a loving parent. My dad is a long-lost loser, and wouldn't donate blood to save my life. My mom thinks she is a saint, when she is the most selfish, self-absorbed, cruel, bigoted person I've encountered.

It's not even worth going into detail - with the email exchange I just had with her. Let's just say I need to be talked down from the ledge. I fucking hate this piece of shit woman, and yes, I'm talking about my mom.

I just have to remind myself, that this is the same woman who's said:
"You being gay has ruined my life."
"It's child abuse if you have kids."
"I will never love your kids, like I love your sister's children."
"Hey, I gotta look out for #1" (when she told my sister she wouldn't help her out)
"You don't often see fat Chinese kids." (said outloud, in front of a Korean family)
"Slavery was good, because it gave black people something to do."
...Not to mention she donated $500 to the Yes on 8 campaign.

For those of you who have turbulent relationships with your mothers, how do you handle it? I want to block her out of my life, but she keep creeping in. She is the most annoying kind of asshole; the kind that thinks they are a saint, and never see the damage they do. If anything, if YOU call her on her actions, she'll first deny them completely, then accuse you of being the jerk for saying such mean things about her. Ultimately, it's YOU who is deemed the asshole.

Lord help me. I hate my family so much. Why didn't you give me ONE good fucking person in my family????? I have this large family, yet I'm completely alone because they are all fuckwits. They all see me as the sad loser in the family, because I'm the only one who is gay, who isn't "married" and I'm childless. That gives you zero value in my Mormon family.

My fertility outlook + Surgery story

I'm on Day 3 of recovery. I'm so glad this is over! First and foremost, congrats to Jen & Tiff on their long-awaited BFP!

Below is the surgery story, in case anyone is interested. Before you read that, here's the summary from the surgery: It looks like the cyst was a hemorraghic cyst, not an endometrioma. They aren't 100% sure, so we're waiting for the labs. There was some scarring around the cyst, but shouldn't affect ovarian quality. Other than that, the doc only found ONE tiny microscopic piece of endometriosis. She showed me the picture. Just one dot. One cell. She said it could remain like that the rest of my life, or get worse. We're hoping for the former!

She said I otherwise had little to no scarring from endometriosis. She did find more uterine polyps and removed them. Fock! I just had them removed 6 months ago, she said my body just likes making polyps quickly. :( She said most of my uterus looks good, but there are some areas that could pose a problem for implantation. But not major yet.

She did find some small fibroids on the outside of my uterus, but didn't remove them. No point, they arent interfering, and most women have a few there. It was weird to see the pictures of my uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, etc. It reminds you of how fragile your system is.

I asked her what my odds are for IVF. She said they should be pretty good, as long as I do it within 6 months. (because my polyps like to grow fast) She wants to get the labs back on my endometriosis, but she said it's just a scarce amount right now anyway.

So this isn't PERFECT news, but it's sure better than we'd expected. Now I just need to heal over the next few weeks, finish all my pre-IVF testing, then start my IVF cycle!

PS - I am in SHITLOADS of pain from this surgery. I was shaking last night, it hurt so bad. The CO2 stuck in my lungs/shoulders is so brutal it makes me cry, and I'm a tough girl.

OK, onto the surgery story!


So here's the lowdown on surgery. For those about to have laparoscopy or hysterscopy, this may be helpful. I was starving on Wednesday morning, and had a bad migraine. Checked into the surgical center, and got my IV going. They put these massaging things on my calves, since I would be under for 3 hours. They wanted to avoid blood clots.

I was kind of bummed they wouldn't let Becky in the pre-surgical area with me. (They don't let anyone back there) Finally, they led me into the operating room. That was when I got really nervous. The amount of Medieval looking tools laid out on tables was scary. Long metal rods, scalpels, etc. I was staring down at them, when the OR nurses told me to lay on the table.

That's when things get fuzzy. It was like an out of body experience. I was staring up at the bright lights, all these people talking around me. They were sticking things on my chest, strapping my legs down, then the anesthesiologist put a mask on me. He said it would calm my nerves. Suddenly, I became chatty cathy - talking up a storm with them. blah blah blah. That's the last thing I remember. They must have given me the general in mid-sentence. I don't even remember getting sleepy!

the surgery last about 2.5 hours. Apparently, I woke up right after they turned off the anesthesia. (I don't remember any of this) They said I was still on the operating table, and I tried to get off the table, saying, "ok thanks, I'm going home now." hahahahaha. I literally don't remember that. It must have been a sleep-walking type thing.

I woke up in the Recovery area, and they brought Becky back. I was quite groggy. My throat was sore from the tube they'd placed in it. I was kind of angry that they'd left the catheter in my peesh. They had me take a big breath, and when I exhaled they pulled it out. MOTHEREFFER! Ok, that really hurt.

Now I'm parked on the sofa, with 4 holes in my tummy. They really hurt. I was taking Vicodin, but it's made me VERY constipated. It's hard to walk around, shower, and I can't wait for the CO2 to leave my body.

For any of you going into laparoscopic surgery, I'm happy to provide any additional information. Just email me at cpeterson at hotmail