Stupid Medela Pump!

My pump stopped working today. After just 7 months. After praying to the gods of overfull boobs, it started working....although it's on the brink of dying. It stops every so often.

I just bought this POS 7 months ago, how can it be dying on me. Will Medela send me a new pump? The thing is, I don't have 2-3 weeks for them to send one. I need one asap. I feel like I'm gonna have to go buy another one for $300...just to get through the last 4-5 months of pumping. damn.

Any suggestions?

"It Gets Better" Video by F@cebook employees

My company rocks. They made an "It Gets Better" video, to help reach out to the LGBT youth being bullied.

Several LGBT employees (including me) stepped up to be in the video.

Watch the video here

5.5 months old

I've totally turned into one of THOSE people...you know, the kind who have a baby and virtually stop blogging? Lord, Im sorry. I'll try to be better. It's been so hectic with work, commuting 2 hours a day, and client events. Work hasn't been AS hard as I predicted, but it's so hard to only see Sam for 1-2 hours a day, at night.

Sleeping is going ok. She is a night owl, so often won't go down until 9pm. Lately we've managed 8pm. She sleeps through till about 4:30am. She'll eat 7oz, then MAYBE sleep another hour. I sure wish she'd sleep 10 hours a stretch. We tried letting her cry it out, but we had to stop because we live in a condo, and our upstairs neighbors were pissed. Sound carries SO WELL through these thin walls.

Eating is good. She eats rice cereal and oatmeal twice a day now. Next week we start veggies! I'm still so confused at how solids really work. Do I feed her 2,3,4 meals a day, am i supposed to feed her several types of food at each feeding?

Pumping is REALLY getting exhausting, especially at work. I've gone down to pumping 4x a day, and sometimes 5x a day. Next month I start 4x a day exclusively. After that I will keep slowly weaning down each month. I have at least a 1 month supply in the deep freezer, if not two months. I'm ok if we have to give her some formula during the day, at some point. I will be so glad when I someday don't have to get up at 4:30am or 5am to pump!!! It's killing me.

Speaking of the devil, time to pump again! :)

Survived first day back at work

It was rough. My job goes at Mach 3 speed all day long. It was a STRUGGLE to leave at 5pm to go home. On my first day back. And I only got 50% of my work done.

It's rough only seeing Sam for 2 hours a day now. I get home at 6pm, she goes to bed at 8pm. This is going to be hard.

Back at work on Tuesday

I can't even bear the thought. I'm so lucky to have been home with Sam for 4.5 months, but it doesn't make this easier.

It doesn't help that I'm going back to a job I hate, that pushes you daily to your limits of exhaustion, has no regard for personal lives, expects long hours, and then I have a 1 hour commute each way. A senior person there even said "The biggest mistake a woman makes here is to have a baby." They seriously dont.give.a.shit. if you have kids. I'll be the only one in my group with a kid, so no one will understand either.

Ugh. Well at least when I come home I'll get to see Sam for 30 minutes before she goes to bed. How wonderful. Grrrrrr. How do you working moms do it? i wish my company would allow flex commute hours or some WFH days.

4 month checkup

Today was Sam's 4 month checkup. Baby looks healthy!

Weight: 13lbs (50th percentile)
Length: 24.5" (75th percentile)
Head: 17cm (97th percentile - kid has a big heeeed!)

Doc didn't seem super concerned about her flat spot, although it has gotten worse since before (despite our best efforts). She wants to wait until 6 months to check it again....but eh, isn't that almost too late for a helmet.

Questions for y'all:
1. When did you introduce solids? I feel like waiting until 6 months, to keep feedings more simple till then.
2. When did your babies get their first tooth? How can you tell they are teething? (Sam has been gumming things and drooling forever, so that won't be a good indicator for us)

I go back to work in 2 weeks! The horror! Still trying to find a daycare. Most of the ones we've seen make me want to cry so far.

Now for pics! Here's one of Sam in a cute full body jacket. Another one of Becky and baby sleeping in, together, on the sofa one morning. :)

Prop 8 overturned!

Pictures!

I've been a bad blogger. August has rolled in, and there's a sense of sadness and anxiety. I go back to work this month! :( I start back on Aug 31. It feels like the days are skidding by and work is around the corner. I honestly don't know how I can leave my sweet little girl. It will destroy me. We looked into any possible way for me to quit and be a SAHM, but it just doesn't make financial sense. We need two incomes right now.

What sucks is I'm expected to work long hours, and my commute is 1 hour each way. If I'm lucky I'll get home at 6-6:30pm, and Sam goes to bed between 8:30-9. That gives me like 2 hours to see her. God forbid I go to the gym after work - then I'll not see her at all. Damn. Obviously moms all around the country do this...how do you handle being a working mom?

Ok time for pics :)

is it just me or does Justin Bie.ber look like a baby dyke?

I mean seriously! Kid looks like a cute little lesbonaut. My sister always tells me "Lesbians who are attracted to butch women are really just attracted to men, then" (Hey this is her logic, not mine!) I'm dying to ask my sister if she thinks the tens of millions of tween girls who love Bi3ber are really just lesbians, since he looks like a woman. :)

So blessed.

We just have the best little girl. She hardly cries, she's very expressive, smiles/coos a lot, sleeps 6-7 hours at night, she's healthy...

We just went to LA for a few days. My mom watched her during the day while we went to Disneyland. She LOVES Samantha. She cried when we left. It was nice to see her attached to her grandkid. We had a great time and now we're back at home. I went in to visit coworkers yesterday and just driving to work - I got an anxiety attack (sweaty palms, rapid hb, felt sick). I don't know how I will go back in 5 weeks. I feel sick thinking about it!

For now here are some fun pics from the last few weeks! Most are from our LA/Santa Barbara trip, and some are from hanging out in San Francisco (including Sam's first time at the beach!)

Look who's talking now!

Pictures!

Ok, so I had my good cry yesterday over my weight gain (despite trying so hard to be healthy and exercise). I'll continue to exercise (went for a 1 hour fast walk today) and eat well. Last night I made us homemade pulled lamb gyros and strawberry shortcakes. They came out so good! I'll be sure to keep my calories where they need to be. Amazingly, my supply hasn't decreased at all the last few weeks, though, despite the caloric cutback.

Time for pics!!! I have a lot more (and some videos) to post soon. Samantha is 3 months old tomorrow, and she is so much fun. She grabs her feet, talks a LOT, had her first laugh. I absolutely love this age, and I am so completely in love with my baby.

Over it.

I'm sick of this shit. Everyone I know quickly went back to their pre-preggo weight. I'm sitting here working SO HARD to lose the weight, and it won't come off.

instead, I am GAINING weight! Yes, gaining. (And I'm not doing weight lifting so it's not muscle)

Last week I had gained 1/2 pound and was mortified. So this week I worked out TONS, and ate perfectly all week.

Breakfast: egg + turkey bacon
Lunch: 80 calorie soup OR open faced turkey sandwich with little mayo
Dinner: Veggies and chicken or a Weight Watchers recipe

I got on the scale today, hoping I'd at LEAST had lost the 1/2 pound. I FUCKING GAINED 1.5 POUNDS!

How the fuck do you gain 1.5 pounds after a week like that. I could not possibly be trying any harder than I am, which means I will just keep gaining weight from now on. I will never get NEAR my pre-preggo weight.

I had 13.5 pounds to go. Now I have 15 pounds. I seriously want to cry right now.

12 weeks!

Sam turns 12 weeks on Wednesday. I can't believe it.

We did some traveling earlier this month - went to Santa Barbara for a few days. Sam did great - no meltdowns! Yesterday we took Samantha strawberry picking at a farm. Course, she slept through it all, but it was a fun family day. :)

Quick update!

Sleeping:
Sam sleeps from about 9pm-3am now (give or take). After that, she only sleeps about an hour or two if we're lucky. Hope that improves.

Flat Head:
Eh, still there. We're trying to hold her more, but it's hard to hold her all day, even with the baby carriers.

Pumping:
I pump 5x a day, and get about 30-32oz. My mastitis and thrush are finally gone, so nips only hurt a small amount. Phew.

Maternity Leave:
Lately, I've taken a huge interest in learning to cook. I'll watch Food Network then make a recipe. Tonight I'm making turkey meatloaf with feta and sun dried tomatoes. Yumm. I am really dreading going back to work, more than I can express. If I think about it too long, I cry. I don't want to leave Sam at daycare...and that, plus my long hours and 1 hour commute mean I'll barely see her at all. I even worry that she'll forget I'm her mommy...and will feel no sense of connection to me. I'm just some lady that gives her a bath before she goes to bed.

Post Partum Body:
I'm sinking into a bit of a depression about this. Everyone I know at work (and many outside of work) immediately bounced back to their pre-preggo bodies. Granted, most of these women are like a size 6. I was a TIGHT size 12 before I got pregnant. Probably really a 14 if I'm honest (after 18 months of fertility drugs). I thought for sure I'd get close to my pre-preggo body by fucking 12 WEEKS. No. I've only lost 20 of the 35 pounds I gained. I've been hovering at that last 15 pounds for 10 weeks. Yes, 10 weeks. I worked out 6x last week, ate really healthy, only had a few not so good meals. What happens. I fucking gained 1/2 lb. Only my fat as fuck self could gain weight post partum.

Pardon my language...I just get really angry with my body. I've always been the kind of person who is bigger boned, gains weight rapidly despite being healthy, and can't lose a pound. We did Weight W@atchers at work a few years ago. I was the ONLY person in the group who didn't lose any weight on it...and I stuck to the program like my life depended on it. So knowing that I'm now 15lb heavier than my pre-preggo weight, and seeing the scale not moving an inch...I'm realizing that THIS is my new fat as fck body. (Disclaimer: my hatred for my size is only because I'm comparing it to how I used to look prior to fertility drugs. Whether one starts from a size 2 and goes to a 6, or starts from a 12 and goes to a 20, etc..... feeling your body expand in all directions is so upsetting. I'm definitely not saying a size 14, 16, or 20 is fat, its just that I feel fat because it's 4-6 sizes larger than where I started. it's all relative, i guess!)

then I keep hearing about c-section bellies, how they rarely go away. My belly looks 6 months preggo. what.the.fuck. I can't fit into one piece of pre-preggo clothing. Not one.

Not one t-shirt.
Not one underwear.
Not one pair of jeans.
Not one pair of shorts, not even my XL super baggy ones.

Nothing. My sense of self confidence and mood is largely dependent on my body image. I've always been that way. Let's just say I'm sinking to new lows right now. (Disclaimer: despite all of this, I am so in love with my daughter and would do it all over again, body-to-hell and all)

Mastitis

The last few days, my left boob (especially) has gotten painfully sore. Certain spots I can't touch at all. last night I noticed red patches on that boob, and even some veins turning reddish.

I felt like I had the flu all night - soooo achy and chilled to the bone. Saw my OB today. He took one look at me: mastitis.

Holy sh*tballs, this sucks. Each hour today I feel 100x worse. My body is full-blown achy now, even my finger and toe joints hurt like hell. My boob is on fire, I'm afraid to pump! (I know I need to)

The worst part is we leave for a Santa Barbara vacation today. :( I'll start my antibiotics tonight. Man, it's scary being home alone with Sam like this. I feel like I'm going to collapse from the bone-draining exhaustion and pain. I was worried I'd drop her so now she's in her swing.

Damn. Mastitis, eh.

Flat Head Syndrome?

We're a bit of a hot mess these days. My thrush isn't gone, so now I'm on Di.flucan. Sam suddenly had terrible diarrhea a few days ago. She's also been super fussy the last two weeks, and cries when we feed her. She pushes the bottle out, then cries because she's hungry. I've tried cutting out dairy, and even using the super sensitive formulas. She only manages to eat an ounce or two every few hours, then she gets lethargic.

Pediatrician is somewhat concerned about her low weight gain. She gained 1lb in 5 weeks. Ugh. We have our 2 month appt next friday, and I have a LOT of questions for the pedi.

My big one is : I think she has flat head syndrome. She spends most of the day in her swing, or bouncy chair, or laying on her boppy...then on her back sleeping up to 8 hours at night. So yeah, she spends a lot of her time on her back. I've noticed the last month that her head is odd shaped. It's getting quite flat in the back, and pushed up...where it looks like the back of her head is much higher than the front. On top of that, the back half of her head is much wider than the front half.

Has anyone else dealt with this? I feel terrible that I havent forced her to spend more time on her tummy. She hates it though! She maybe spends 15 minutes a day on her belly. The only way I can keep her off her back (with minimal crying) is if I carry her all day in the bjorn thingy. But that means I can barely do much while I wear her all day...doesnt seem practical.

The only company I could find that specializes in those helmets (which she'd have to wear 23 hours a day for 3-6 months!!!)...is in freaking SoCal. And they need weekly adjustments. How the eff would we get to SoCal each week for an appointment. Ugh. That's an 8 hour drive (if we're traveling with an infant).

Her head is really getting worse, and I dont trust that it will magically correct itself. God I suck tho...i should have just held her all day instead of putting her in her bouncy chair. :(

Thrush

I think I have a thrush infection. And I think I've had it for 4+ weeks.

Symptoms:
*shooting pains in my boob on/off all day
*white crud/patches around my nips
*horrific raw feeling on and around my nips. If anything (water, tshirt, bra) touches them, it feels like sandpaper on an open wound
*pumping is so painful - feels like glass coming out of my nips
*red raw circles around my nips

I figured I just had sensitive nips, but it's been 8 weeks of pumping and I would have toughened up by now. Sam doesn't have any white patches in her mouth. I called her pedi, and her pedi said as long as there's no white patches, she doesnt need to be treated. WTF? Everything I read says if one person has it, both need to be treated, because otherwise we'll just pass it back and forth. And babies don't always display symptoms, but they can still have it.

My OB prescribed me some cream to apply twice a day. So far it hasn't helped. They want me to keep trying it until tomorrow afternoon, and call if it's not better. I feel like this will never go away. Do I need to rinse with vinegar? Some sites say I need to boil everything that touches my boobs/baby's mouth for 20 min a day. My doc didn't tell me any of this, so I don't know what to do.

On top of this, B caught a horrible head cold. We're hoping Samantha and I don't get it. We'd hate for our 8 week old to get this virus. We're supposed to go to LA next week, and B and I had planned a day at Disneyland while my mom watched Sam. Now I dunno if that's gonna happen. Bummer.

Anyone dealt with thrush? How long did it take to heal, what did you do?

The family visit and pics!

My mom came out for a few days. Amazingly, it was the most enjoyable time I've had with my mom in oh....20 years? She put on her best behavior, and I really enjoyed the adult conversation. We drove around, I took her to see some wineries (for the view, no drinking), and it was great to have the extra set of hands. She even babysat twice so that we could go out! I had oysters for the first time in ages, yummm. My sister's visit was also nice. (More babysitting!)

Things here are good. Baby is 6 weeks old! Still only sleeps for one 3 hour stretch at night, and otherwise is mostly awake. Im getting about 4 hours sleep at night, and I'm hitting a wall. I've had 4 hours/night since my second trimester....so it's accumulated. Now my eyes burn, my words are slurred, my brain can't process anything (I forgot how to steam an artichoke, I'm not kidding!), and I'm delirious.

We are heading down to LA in a few weeks. We'll stay with my mom for 3 nights, and she'll watch S while we go to Disneyland during the day. Yay! Then we'll go to Santa Barbara for a few days, and stay at our favorite resort.

Pretty soon we're going to look for babysitters. There are some good websites to find sitters in the area. We hope to get a solid list of 5-10 babysitters we are comfortable with, so that there's a good pool to choose from on any given night. To be honest, if we can find one soon, I may hire them to come over while I'm home! They can watch SAm while I nap for a few hours. :) Not a bad idea, eh?

Ok time for pics!

First smiles!

My mom and sister both came out the past week, so things have been busy. I'll post some updates later, but for now - here's a smile I worked hard for this morning! Munchkin turns 6 weeks old tomorrow, and is just starting to smile!

The Breastfeeding Scam :)

Sam turned 1 month today! I can't believe it. To celebrate, she actually slept for a 3 hour stretch last night. (Normally she sleeps for 10 minute periods, followed by hours of awake/grunting/fussing time). It was so awesome, even if it was a fluke. And let's hope it wasn't a fluke!

Pediatrician said she's doing great, but for the reflux/fussiness recommended we give her some rice cereal. Geez, she seems so young for that! She got her Hep B vaccine, and was so brave! She cried only for 30 seconds.

Now onto the big breastfeeding scam. I'm pumping my butt off - at least 6 times a day. Everyone says how breastfeeding makes you ravenously hungry, how you can eat anything, and that you lose weight. All three have proven untrue for me. WTH! I eat like a BIRD, rarely hungry, and I'm not losing ANY weight from all the pumping/milk production.

In fact, in 4 weeks I've only lost 20 of the 35 pounds I gained. And I'm already GAINING WEIGHT BACK. This is me eating like 2 meals a day, not eating anything bad, and pumping up a storm. All these people keep saying how in 3 weeks they were below their pre-pregnancy weight. I've been stuck 15lbs over my pre-weight and freaking gaining a pound a week.

dude....

3.5 weeks old - Sleeping & Reflux

Sam is actually napping next to me right now - a miracle!

She's 3.5 weeks old today, and now that B is back at work - the days are long, but rewarding. It's tough being a stay at home mom! I salute those of you who will be doing it longterm. (I go back to work at the end of August). It's amazing how skilled one gets at doing things with one hand, while holding the baby with the other. ha.

Here's where things are right now:

Feeding:
Well, her latch improved 50%. It's not AS much of a struggle to latch. I still only try once a day, since she won't eat more than 5 minutes. (So I still have to bottlefeed her and pump). I enjoy that 5 minutes a day, and it's enough to satisfy me. The pumping is still really hard - my nips feel like they've been rubbed with sandpaper! I pump 6-7x a day. I think in a few months I may go to 5-6x a day, then decrease from there. It's really getting very painful, so I may need to make adjustments. I'd love for her to be getting 90% breastmilk now, and by 3-6 months at least 50%. So much for my original plan of 100% breastmilk for a year. :)

Reflux/Colic/Gas:
WOW, has this struck like lightning at our house! Sam has pretty bad reflux - always spitting up, she'll also scream from the acid in her throat when it comes up and she swallows it back down. Pedi says she prob has sores in her throat now. We started her on Zantac, but so far I don't really notice anything. We have to keep her upright 30min after she eats. Sleeping at night is impossible - nothing works for her.
She also has SO much gas. We tried different bottles, I've cut out all ABC veggies, dairy, etc.... Kid just has lots of gas. Her belly looks so distended after eating just an ounce. She will grunt SO LOUDLY every 10 seconds, especially all through the night. She cringes up, pulls in her legs, her face gets red, and she half-cries after grunting. This continues every 5-10 seconds ALL.NIGHT.LONG. And no, I'm not exaggerating. None of us get sleep. She grunts all night long, and usually ends up crying every 20 minutes. We've tried EVERYTHING: swaddling/shushing/jiggling, 3 brands of gripe water, mylicon, cycling her legs, massaging her belly, her swing, bouncy chair, even her car seat. Nothing works. She doesn't even like pacifiers most of the time.
I know that this, too, shall pass. Right now it feels like it will never change. Ever. :) But alas, I know she won't be 16 years old and spitting up and crying from gas. I really wish there was something to help with the gas. We even tried a formula last night that's specific for gassiness.

The grunting all night long is the worst. It's constant, and LOUD. We even put ear plugs in, and can still hear it. It breaks my heart to hear her in pain. usually after HOURS she will get some toots out, but then the gas buildup starts all over again.

I wish we had that one magic thing that would get her to sleep. Friends tell me "Oh my kid slept in her car seat till she was 4 months! It was the only thing that worked!" Or it's the swing that conked them out, or bouncy chair. We have nothing that soothes Sam to sleep. Not even holding her.

Tough little birdie, eh? Well aside from all the challenges, she's as cute as can be. I put her in a little summer dress today, it's so cute. She's already gained over a pound from her birthweight! She'll prob be up two pounds by the end of this week. Today she was crying so hard, and for ONCE she was soothed by me holding her. She looked like a little squished up froggie on my chest, and I just walked around the house and stood on the patio. It was so nice to have her happily snoozing in my arms. :)

Now for some pics!

Doing Better Today

Seriously, who needs therapy when you have such awesome blogger buddies? :) I'm happy to report that today I'm feeling much better. No crying yet, amazingly. I realize this could all change again tomorrow, but I'm glad today is better. Taking it one day at a time. Today is Becky's last day at home, then she returns to work tomorrow. (Things could get ugly again with the depression, but let's hope not!)

I left my OB a voicemail just now, which B made me promise to do. For now I want to keep an eye on how I'm doing, and possibly get some therapist referrals from my doc. I could start with that and, if needed, consider meds.

Since it's time for a HAPPY post, here are some fun things:
* Sam turned 3 weeks today!
* Today is "Wednesday Wine Night" - where I pump/dump my 9pm session, and we enjoy a nice bottle of wine
* Today Sam latched great on one boob, and ate for 10 minutes. I still had to pump, and this was the only attempt I'll try at latching today, but it put me in a better mood.
* We all (including the dog) went for a nice walk downtown, and I got a chai tea latte. Mmmm.

Picture time! Here are some recent pics I took with my phone:
After being up since 6am with bad gas, Sam finally got them all out and passed out asleep on my chest. Boy were we both tired after that gas session!


Becky and Sam's feet, hanging out on the sofa.


Sam on her playmat - this is the first time she kept her eyes open and was alert!


This what what she wore on our downtown outing today!


Yesterday we went to a park in Saratoga, and here's B feeding Sam

PPD?

As always, thank you so much for all the comments, stories, advice, etc. I seriously re-read them 100x, and the support we get in the blogosphere is amazing. :)

I loathe bringing this topic up, because I never thought it would happen to me. I'm starting to wonder if I have post partum depression (or at least some degree of it). I keep chalking everything up to baby blues. I mean, having a newborn is stressful right? And don't most people cry nonstop during that time?

Becky made me promise to call my doctor tomorrow, to ask about treating PPD. I can't stop crying these days, even when there are no triggers. I feel like I'm drowning in depression, frustration, hopelessness, anger(!), ambivalence, etc. I guess a lot of these are "symptoms of PPD" on the checklist. I just feel like I can't do anything right, like I'm making mistakes, and that things will never get better.

A friend of mine said she had bad PPD, and a lot of it was driven by breastfeeding stress. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the main cause of mine. I saw the lactation lady again today, and even she noticed that Sam just doesnt suck long, and is likely pretty stubborn about drinking from anything but a bottle now. She even said my best option may be to just pump, unless I'm willing to re-teach Sam to breastfeed only. And that's the last thing I want to tackle right now, when I'm already feeling so fragile.

The worst was today...and I hesitate to mention this, because it scares me that it happened. I reached this sad state of depression that turned into ambivalence. Sam was crying from hunger in her swing...and I just stared at her, totally emotionless. I felt completely ambivalent towards my own daughter...this child we'd fought so long and hard to have.

That just made me eventually cry harder. What the f*** is wrong with me, that I could feel like that!!!!! It went away after 30 min and I was attached to her again...but that 30 minutes scared the F out of me. That's why Becky is concerned, and wants me to call my doctor. She told me it's NOT me, and it's not a reflection of my character. This is something chemical going on in my body and I need to talk to my doctor about it. It's hard to not take it personally, though.

It's just frustrating I guess. I pictured my maternity leave in this blissful state, never wanting to put my baby down, and being this gooey doting mother 24/7. I didn't think anything like PPD could enter my bliss. I'm just hoping today was a particularly rough day, and that tomorrow will be better. I just feel disappointed in myself, because I spent 2 years trying to create my family. Now I have it, and yet I'm depressed and crying most of the day. Ugh!

I need to borrow one of Sam's pacifiers. :)

Monday Meltdown!

Not sure what it is (exhaustion, baby blues, maybe even a touch of PPD).... but this morning I hit a wall. I was so exhausted when the 9am alarm went off (signaling it was time to feed Sam). I had no stamina or interest in breastfeeding or even PUMPING! I felt depressed, and just wanted to crawl into bed. I wanted nothing to do with my boobies. I woke Becky up and asked if she could bottle feed Sam some expressed milk. I just laid down on the bed for another 90 minutes.

It kind of scared me that I didn't even pump. I just couldn't handle the 'every 2-3 hours' cycle, and needed a break. Plus, I haven't mentioned this yet, but pumping is extremely painful for me. Even at the slightest suction level, my nips get incredibly red, purple, and swollen. Within a minute, they get swollen to the size of very large gumdrops, and are painful to the touch. Nothing can touch them all day, and it's agony to pump now. As each 3 hour cycle starts, I dread sticking my boobs in those damn flanges to pump again.

I know I'm doing it for a good cause, and I do need to stick to at least every 3-4 hours to keep supply up. I've tried larger flanges, but it didn't help. I think I just have horribly sensitive nips.

I haven't breastfed (naturally) once today. I just.can't.do.it. We've bottle fed expressed milk, and I finally mustered the will to resume pumping. (Pumped 7oz after skipping that session!) I tried briefly to get her to latch at 3pm, but she refused over and over. After 5 tries, I quickly gave up and used the nipple shield. She actually sucked for 18 minutes, a record. That was the only time I've not bottle fed her today. I feel sad and guilty about not pushing myself harder to bfeed today, but after hitting that wall, I knew I desperately needed a break.

...I'm starting to realize just how long pumping/feeding for 6-12 months really is. If only the damn pumping could be easy, I can't believe THAT option is now incredibly painful. Arrrrrgh.

2.5 weeks (and bfeeding update)

First, I wanted to thank everyone for their breastfeeding comments. I read them all 100x, and took something from each one. I know in the end I'll have to do with what feels best and right for my situation, and I'm still working to figure out what that is.

A few updates at 2.5 weeks!
* Sam is just starting to be more alert at times, and pays attention to things. It doesn't last too long..usually ends with her crying or sleeping.
* She loves her swing, loves car rides. We took her for a nice drive yesterday, and for a picnic at this gorgeous park today.
* Poor kid has developed a hellacious case of baby acne. We lost count, but we were up to 100+ whiteheads on her face. I feel so bad about it. Obviously it doesn't bother her, I just miss seeing her little soft cheeks. She has pimples on her eyelids, even! Did any of your kids have bad acne? Is it weird she developed it at 2 weeks? I hope they go away soon. Of course she's still super cute despite her zits. :)
* Sam hates tummy time. This may change.
* Sam also hates skin on skin/laying on my chest. This kind of bums me out, as I love the idea of her nestling into me. She doesn't like being held that way, and doesn't particularly seem to care if we're holding her at all (or not). I sure hope she becomes a TAD more clingy. :) Maybe she's just still too young? I get jealous when I see people holding their newborns on their chests. Sam just isn't into it. She screams bloody murder. She's happier in her boppy or bassinet. (or swing)
* Her cord stump fell off today! I kept it. :)

How are Mama/Mommy Doing:
* Becky's been great - doing lots of errands/cleaning. She changes most of the diapers and dresses SAm, since I'm usually chained to my pump every 3 hours. She's definitely feeling the lack of sleep.
* I'm horribly sleep deprived, but am terrible at taking naps during the day. I had baby blues the first week after delivery, where I just cried 24/7. It was just the massive hormone shift. I feel like part of it is coming back lately...I have moments where I just want to cry. I can't even pinpoint why. Maybe it's feeling hopeless about my parenting skills, the lack of sleep, but I think 90% of it is the feeding issues. I know it's hard for everyone, and it's hitting me especially hard. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I can't even convince myself anymore that I enjoy breastfeeding. Also, I think the fact that Sam doesn't like to be held/snuggled on my chest makes me feel bad. I long for that closeness (versus the closeness from breastfeeding), and I'm not getting it. It's not her fault, maybe it's uncomfortable for her. I know I shouldn't take it personally, and I'll try not to let my hormones get in the way. I'm sure as she gets a bit older, more lucid, more connected to those around her - she'll be as clingy as ever. :)

Breastfeeding update:
I'll actually post a longer update this week, as I have so much emotion to release on it. Long story short, I'm still pumping every 3 hours (allowing myself to skip one session for sanity sake). I'm trying so hard to breastfeed at least 4-5x a day (prior to pumping). The good news is her latch has improved. It still takes effort (and 100 re-latches per session), but I'd say on a good day she ultimately latches 25% of the time. The big problem still exists: She doesn't suck efficiently on the breast. This is assuming I can keep her awake for 10-20 minutes, which rarely happens. But let's say she latches, AND mostly stays awake for 10-20 min. She sucks, but barely ingests much. Then she stops wanting the boob, and screams from being hungry and we have to give her a bottle...and she'll eat 2oz! (That's her normal volume when we bottle feed) When I pump after, I get about 90% of my usual volume, so she is getting maybe 1/2 ounce in 20 minutes.

If my only problem was the latch, I'd feel good since things are improving. The fact that I have to struggle so hard to get her to stay awake, and knowing that 30 minutes of my efforts amount to her NOT getting more than a nibble...and meaning we have to give her a bottle of expressed milk AND I have to pump my full boobies - is making this almost too draining for me. I honestly am happier bottle feeding her expressed milk and pumping, yet I don't want to fail at breastfeeding. I feel like everyone else was able to do it...and if I give up it somehow means I'm not up to par as a mom. LIke I am inadequate and terrible to give up on my kid so easily. If a friend told me SHE felt that way about her situation, I'd say she was crazy and of course she's a terrific mom.

I am 100% dedicated to pumping around the clock to give Sam bmilk until she's 9-12 months. I am trying so very hard to stick with breastfeeding at least a few sessions a day. My mini goal is to get to 4 weeks. My longterm goal is to stick it out till 8 weeks. If at 8 weeks we're still in a holding pattern, I may just decide to pump and bottle feed expressed milk. I'm so much happier doing that. For me personally, I feel so much more closeness to her when I bottle feed. is that weird? I love the way I can hold her when bottle feeding, and how we can make eye contact.

Gawd, me and my long blog posts lately!

Questions for breastfeeding (or have ever tried) mamas

We're two weeks in. Most things are actually going well! I would say 99% of the stress I've personally been under is from the breastfeeding. For those of you who breastfeed, ever have, are working mamas, or have ever tried to breastfeed and threw in the towel....I would love to hear from you.

I've been having a hell of a time the past 2 weeks, and am really weighing if it's worth sticking it out. Regardless, I would still pump regularly, and feed Samantha breastmilk (and only supplement with formula if my supply didn't meet demand at some point). It's most important to me that she get breastmilk. How she gets it is of less importance.

Nearly all of my friends and family were able to stick it out, and after 6-8 weeks get it to work. Maybe i'm just impatient, or really wanting my maternity leave to be pleasant (versus super stressed out every 2-3 hours).

Here's the problem so far:
* Sam rarely latches. I've gone to lactation consultants, and they've helped with the latch, and today was the FIRST day she latched without much fuss at one feeding. Normally she wont latch at all, and I have to use a nipple shield.
* Now even the nipple shield doesn't always work. We've had to feed Sam breastmilk via bottles for so long, that perhaps she just prefers that now.
* I start feedings with trying to latch, then usually end up with a shield. Even then, she eats for 5-10 min max, and then goes into a sleep that is unbreakable. We poke her, undress her, change her dipe, even put wet rags on her. You'd think there was catnip in my boobs! She just won't wake up. Once we give her a bottle, she wakes up. So it's very frustrating to have to breastfeed in vain, then nipple shield often in vain, and still have to then supplement with a bottle, THEN PUMP.

My supply has really improved! i went from 1/3oz per side last week, to now I pump between 3.5-5.5oz (total) every 3 hours!!! I am freezing most of it, but I'll likely have to throw most of that away. (I had to toss 30oz of frozen milk the other day, but my pedi recommended it since I'd been taking fenugreek which gave baby painful gas!) I just have TOO much milk. haha. So supply is not an issue. thank goodness.

On top of all this, Sam only eats 16-18oz a day. She seems happy with that, but our pedi insists she should be eating 24oz per day. She has us waking her up every 2 hours to eat during the day, and 3 hours at night. No matter what we do, she won't eat more than 18oz. if we try to force it, she spits it all up.

I'm so lost in all this. I'd love to get your experience, what worked for you, etc. Here are also some specific questions I have:

1. Your latching experience. How long did it take to see improvement, and when did it become second nature/easy?
2. Did you ever use a nipple shield? How long?
3. Did you supplement feedings with bottles? (either breastmilk or formula)
4. How often did you feed your baby the first month? 2 hours? 3 hours? Did you have to wake him/her, or did s/he wake up hungry on his/her own?
5. When did baby show their own pattern for feeding times, and when did s/he start sleeping longer stretches at night?
6. How often and how much did baby eat the first month? Do you think s/he ate 24 oz a day?
7. How did you wake him/her up when he fell asleep during a feeding?
8. What will you do when you go back to work?
9. How often do you pump during the day?
10. Did baby always eat a fair amount via breastfeeding, or would he just nibble a little and not get too much?
11. for working moms, do you feel it was worth it to spend so much time getting breastfeeding down, given that you were returning to work and would mostly be pumping?

Part of me is thinking.... well geez, I go back to work in a few months, and I'll just have to pump all day (and through the night, so I get more sleep)...meaning i will only have, at best, 2 chances to breastfeed her each day. That said, I'm asking myself if its' really worth it to spend my maternity leave in this state of frustration, trying to perfect the art of breastfeeding...when I will rarely be doing it anyway once I go back to work? It almost seems a better option to keep pumping to keep my supply up, and mostly do bottle feedings. I do need to make sure she is comfortable with bottles, since that's how she'll be eating most of the day.

As much as it seems reasonable to just throw in the towel, there's this part of me that also doesn't want to fail at breastfeeding, either. I'd feel so inadequate for not sticking it out like everyone else has done, you know? is that weird?

I would sincerely love to hear from any of you, time willing. One of you sweet bloggers even gave me your phone # to call - and I will take you up on it over the next week!

PS - here's a pic for your viewing pleasure! One is of Snap watching over his little sister. He is obsessed with watching her. The other is Sam with a pterodactyl. We bought it for her since her cry often sounds like a pterodactyl swooping in for the kill. LOL. Yes, she is our little prehistoric cutie pie bird. :)

Birth Story (& Photos)

I can't believe Samantha is 11 days old now! It's been a very exhausting 1 week since we came home from the hospital. The main issues for me have been breastfeeding, and my spectacular failure at it. (More on that in another post)

For now, I wanted to share my birth story for those who are interested. I've read all of your birth stories, and they were so helpful to me. I'm happy to pay it forward. For me, the c/s was pretty traumatic - not what I'd anticipated after watching all those Baby Story episodes where the mother is very lucid and calm during the procedure.

I'll also attach a few pics I took from my iPhone! (We have about 1,000 pics from our new camera, but I'll have to sort through those and pick the best for another post) :)

Birth Story:

Wednesday April 7th. I had decided that Thursday (the next day) would be my last day at work before leave. I decided to work from home on Wednesday - and how lucky I chose to do that! I was miserably uncomfortable all day, and I just felt like something big was going to go down soon. Even my dog seemed to be taking care of me.

At 4:45pm, I felt the urge to pee. I went to the bathroom, was good about emptying my bladder. I stood up from the toilet, took 2 steps, and GUSH! I was confused at first. I thought maybe I hadn't emptied my bladder? When I looked down at the sweats I was wearing, they were covered in liquid. (About 2 cups worth) I quickly noticed I was still leaking, and stood over the toilet. I looked down and saw white flecks in the toilet bowl. A sure sign that this was not, in fact, a second bladder in my body. this was my water breaking! I also noticed tiny blood clots, and blood tinged water.

I tried to remain calm. I called my OB, and they said to come to the hospital immediately. I called Becky, but she was at the gym at work. I got her voicemail. I was so upset, as we'd agreed she'd always have her phone with her from now on. My OB said not to wait for her, and to come now. I called my other friends who work with Becky, and begged them to run to the gym to get her. It turns out she did have her phone with her, but didn't hear it ring. She got my voicemail and called me back 5 minutes later. Without showering, she jumped into the car and took the carpool lane down to the hospital! (Poor B had to watch her daughter being born while she was all stinky and sweaty. haha)

I gathered a few things, and still remaining calm, I updated my work OOO email. I even IM'd with a few people to let them know this is it! I got into my car, and then the nerves kicked in. I was pouring liquid out of my cooch, and it was now quite bloody. I called my sister to ask if this is normal. She said she never had much blood in the liquid, but she'd heard it was normal. My heart started racing, and things began to blur.

I got to the hospital and waddled inside as quickly as possible. It felt like everything was spinning around me. Plus I was starting to leak through the ginormous pad I'd put on. I got to L&D and checked in. They needed my ID and insurance card, and I was so upset. I'd already registered and was so nervous, why did they need all my info again???? Finally they took me to a room and hooked me up to a monitor. I got into the gown and showed them my bloody pad. They said that was normal. I heard baby's heartbeat and felt better. Right then Becky arrived. I was so happy to see her, I cried a little out of relief and nerves.

Nurse asked me a ton of questions, and I honestly felt like I was having an out of body experience. Water broke at 4:45pm, and it was now 6pm. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the run-down on getting a spinal. I just nodded, my brain too consumed with the newness/reality of having a baby. PLus I started having contractions, and they HURT!!!!!! The weird moment happened when he said "Ok, well we should have your baby delivered in the next hour."

I started shaking. Hard. Becky asked why I was shaking, was it too cold? I said I didn't know. I felt like there was nothing in my brain, and I was so scared about the "no going back now" scenario. I was about to have major surgery as an emergency, versus on Sunday, as scheduled. I didn't have time to mentally prepare. My body started going into shock, the shaking got worse, and things went downhill fast.

Becky got into her scrubs, and they walked us to Operating Room 1. I felt like I was going to pass out from nerves. They had me get on the cold operating table. It was surreal to have all these bright lights on me, people in blue scrubs and masks walking around talking, and seeing tray after tray of medieval looking cutting devices.

My OB came into the room (Becky had to wait outside during the spinal). He tried to be very soothing, but I kept starting to cry. I just wanted everything to stop, and to just go to sleep. Things were moving too fast, and I was going into worse shock. The anesthesiologist explained each step of the spinal, and I felt him brushing cold stuff on my back. My OB held my hand and kept wiggling it, telling me to just pay attention to his hand. I had my eyes closed and head hanging down. I was in so much pain from the contractions, and my body wasn't handling the shock well. The needle hurt going in, and it went in several times. I wouldn't say it hurt more than getting an IV in your hand, but it hurt.

Once the spinal was in, they had me lay down on the table, my arms outstretched to the sides. I saw an IV dripping, and the anesthesiologist's face over mine. He explained that I was hyperventilating, and that I needed to slow my breathing down. My body was shaking so hard that I thought I'd shake right off the table. I kept wiggling my legs and toes, and repeatedly told them I'm not numb! I'm not numb! My big fear was that they'd start operating and I'd feel it. I kept half crying that fear to them, and they assured me I wouldn't feel anything. Again and again I'd wiggle my legs and feet, and cry out that I wasn't numb. Becky was allowed in and came to my side. She held my hand, which provided some comfort. I wasn't able to turn my head to see her, I was THAT worked up with anxiety. I physically couldn't move. I was breathing really fast and hard, and they kept telling me to calm down. My hand was shaking so hard as Becky held it. I thought for sure my legs and torso would shake so hard during the procedure that they'd cut into some organs. I felt as though my body were seizing uncontrollably, it was truly the worst feeling. This definitely wasn't the sweet, calm setting I thought my daughter would be born into.

They quickly put up the blue curtain so that I could no longer see what was going on. All I saw was blue. My heart REALLY started racing here! I was like OMG OMG OMG OMG THIS IS IT. NO NO I'M NOT READY! Again I cried out that I'm not numb, and I was whimpering like a kid. I could hear the docs saying how panicked I was, and that I needed to calm down. Suddenly I started to feel my legs and feet go slightly numb. Five minutes passed by, and they only felt half numb. Almost like pins and needles. It never got more numb than that. I could feel them putting things on my stomach, and that freaked me out more. if I can feel utensils on my belly, I'd certainly feel cutting! This just added to my anxiety. Next my lungs began to go numb. I could faintly feel myself breathing, but it was enough to (yes, again) make me more anxious.

"We're going to get started now." What??????? Shaking, I again wiggled my legs and feet. Yep, I could still feel a decent amount of sensation. This was my worst nightmare. My anesthesiologist's face appeared over mine, and I asked him not to leave. "I'm not going to go anywhere, I'm going to stay right here with you." He told me I won't feel anything, but I argued with him. He made some short conversation about what we're naming our baby, how much hair I think she'll have. I was so irritated, I didn't want small talk, I wanted to stop feeling my legs move! Next thing I knew, he looked over the curtain, and back down at me. "Well, they've already gotten started. If you were going to feel something, you'd have felt it by now."

So apparently with a c/s, you can still feel your lower region moving - yet somehow not feel pain. This was difficult to process. I imagined I would be numb-numb, like getting a cavity filled numb. I just closed my eyes, and hoped it would be over soon. I could hear the docs talking, but it was all fuzzy. I worried that at any minute I'd feel cutting. Suddenly my torso started twitching very hard all over. LIke they were putting a defibrillator on me. My OB said that is because they are cutting through my abdominal muscles, and it's causing them to spasm.

After what felt like HOURS (but really 5 minutes), I heard the big words "Ok you're going to feel some pressure now." I knew this meant they'd cut through everything, and that now they had to push her out. I felt tremendous pressure on my chest cavity for about 90 seconds. I thought for sure his co-surgeon was going to break every rib. It made my breathing difficult, almost impossible for a few seconds. Apparently my OB was about to get a vacuum extractor since she wasn't coming out. Right then she came out, and I felt a huge relief. I could feel all the pressure gone from my belly.

I heard a loud cry, and I knew she was ok. Becky stood up to watch her being born, and was awestruck. I think the first thing she said was "Wow, she has a lot of hair!" I was saddened that they didn't show her to me over the curtain, and the nurse walked out of the room briskly with her - I never got to see her. :( Having said that, I was still in such shock and shaking so hard, that I was too out of it to really have noticed anything. Becky left the room to follow the baby, as we'd decided earlier. I was left in the room for another 20-30 minutes, while they stitched me up. Becky came back in about 10 minutes later and said Sam was great, scored a 9 on the Apgar scale. Eventually the baby was brought to me, and I got to say high. Wow, she DID have a lot of hair! She even has some on her forehead. haha. (I'm guessing that comes off after a while?) She was just beautiful, and I immediately could tell she had my mouth and nose. I couldn't wait to hold her later.

Talk about a fast procedure. I walked into the operating room at 7pm, and she was born at 7:15pm! 7lb, 6oz, 19" long. Cute as a button.

They finished stitching me up, and took me to the recovery room. I was STILL shaking so hard that my arms were bouncing all over the place. We were in there for about 1-2 hours being observed. Becky got to hold Sam next to me, and we took some pictures. I declined the offer to hold her. As much as I wanted to, my uncontrollable shaking and completely delerious/drugged up state made me too nervous to hold her. I thought I'd drop her by accident. I was perfectly content watching Becky adore her next to me. I knew I'd have plenty of opportunities to hold her. My OB said his goodbyes, and finally the nurse gave me some anti anxiety medication, and my shaking stopped within minutes. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. :)

Soon after we were transported to our final destination...the Mother/Baby unit. We loved it there. The nurses were so sweet, we felt taken care of. It was such a magical 4 days there, I was actually very sad to leave and go home.

So that's the birth story. It's not quite as sweet as some of the ones I've read. haha. Mine was unfortunately traumatic, but you know what..... 1) I'm sure there are other people out there who've had similar experiences; 2) In the end, I was totally fine. It was an hour of panic but it was soon over and I was able to enjoy my baby. And I would do it all over again - c/s amnesia. :)

Things have been very rough since we came home last Sunday. I can handle the 3 hours of sleep, the poopy diapers, the lack of showering, etc.. The hardest thing has been the breastfeeding. I've had a truly miserable time trying to get it work, and all my grand plans of "I won't supplement with formula, I won't bottle feed in case of nipple confusion, I won't use a nipple shield..." all out the window. I'm losing the battle with breastfeeding. When I use a nipple shield it's great! I know it means production slows down. My supply was terrible at first (1/4oz per side, when pumping), but thanks to Fenugreek, I'm now pumping 1-2oz per side! It's so much easier to bottle feed her expressed milk, and to also try with the nipple shield. Right now I try raw boobie at first, then assuming that fails (which it does 90% of the time), I switch to the nip shield. then Becky bottle feeds her expressed milk while I pump. I pump every 3 hours religiously.

Perhaps in a future post I'll write more about my bfeeding issues, and I'd love to hear from all of you!

Now for some pictures! these are from the first few days: