Surgery time

I'm doing remarkably well today. I started a liquid fast yesterday, and today is the most extreme (water and chicken broth). I am hungry and tired, but no migraine.

I spent 3 hours drinking this foul drink called GoLytely. It tastes like hot murky pond water with dead fish and bloody cats in it. Seriously, that is the best way to describe the taste. It's so bad, that I eventually began throwing up as soon as I swallowed it. It's supposed to clean you out for surgery, and believe me, it does! It kicked in 2 hours after I started drinking the solution.

I just gotta make it through tonight, then to 11:45am tomorrow, when I check into the surgical center. I am so excited for my Whopper, fries, and milkshake tomorrow night! :)

Thanks to everyone for their well wishes, I really appreciate it. I will try to check in once I'm able, post surgery.

On a side note, two more pregnancy announcements today at work! One of them was the lady who referred me to the IVF doctor we're going to use. With his help again, she is now pregnant with baby #2. I'm happy for her.

All these announcements mean MY announcement is coming soon, right?

Ok surgery, here I come!

FAA needs a time out

Did you hear about this? The FAA wanted to do some fancy Air Force One photo shoot - right above Manhattan. Their plan was NOT to tell the Mayor OR the citizens of NY.

Are they OUT OF THEIR MINDS?!?!?! This is absolutely horrible, cruel, stupid, and irresponsible. Imagine how traumatized these people were today, running from their buildings, evacuations, being just as terrified as they were on 9/11. Imagine looking up, seeing Air Force One being tracked by two fighter planes, circling next to skyscrapers.

SHAME on the FAA. And although I believe Obama DIDNT know about this, I even have to say shame on him for not being more abreast of these activities. This was a catastrophically bad move on so many levels.

Here is a link to watch the news clip:
Watch it Here.

Just a warning, the video ad before it starts it for a pregnancy test. :-S

Something nice

My posts have been depressing lately. Time for something positive!

We had a very nice experience today. It was our goddaughter's baptism. It was an at-home baptism, which made it very intimate and nice. One of these days I have to post a picture of my goddaughter - she is really the cutest little baby. B and I gave a speech at the baptism, and I could BARELY get through it without crying. Here, I speak in front of 30 people all the time for my job, and I was barely able to mumble the words at the baptism. Let's just say I was overcome with emotion. :)

But not the "Aww, why don't I have a kid" emotion. That's really the nicest part about this. Despite how painful it is to hear baby announcements, get registries, and hear about other people's kids....my goddaughter is the exception. It's like she has immunity from making me sad. In fact, when I see her, everything feels right again. I can't get enough of the kid, and seeing her is sometimes the ONLY thing that keeps me inspired/motivated to keep trying.

At the baptism today, I had an a-ha moment. I realized how lucky we are to be a part of her extended family. We're close with her moms and her older brother. They feel more like family to us than our own family. Selfishly, a nice byproduct of being her godmother is that it connects us forever to this family. (And her mommies constantly talk me down from the ledge when I have a bad TTC day) :)

So for today - a nice post. I'm so happy to have this little baby girl (and her family) in my life. She feels like an extension of a daughter to me. I can't wait until she gets old enough for piggy back rides, the choo choo train at the park, and for little kid soccer games. Seriously, have you seen how cute those little shinguards are?

Surgery scheduled

Surgery is scheduled! Wednesday at 1pm. Sunday I have to eat a limited diet, and Monday and Tuesday it's liquid diet. I am going to suffer through that one, kids!

Then I'll be home on bedrest for a week, so expect lots of highly medicated blog updates. :)

PS - I need to start a weekly counter.

Here's this week's counter:
Friend/coworker pregnancies announced this week = 3
Baby registries sent to me this week = 1
Ultrasound photos shared with me this week = 2
Baby Showers (for July) I was asked to help plan this week = 1
Fertility doc appts this week = 3

On the flipside, I got a free laser teeth whitening today. :)

Staycation!

I took today and tomorrow off work, for staycation. :)

Thanks to everyone for the outpouring of support. Ive been reading your comments, and looking up any recommendations you made. The first thing I did was order "The Kid" - since so many of you recommended it!

I am STILL waiting to get my surgery date for next week. The clinic I'm getting the surgery at is so absolutey incompetent, from a customer service perspective. Doctors good, staff horrible. I saw the doctor at 9am this Monday, and she said i need surgery asap. She said their surgery scheduler would call my insurance asap, and it takes 1-2 days for them to respond (with where I can have the surgery done).

I was told I'd get a call within 2 days with the insurance stuff, and my surgery date.

Monday passed, Tuesday passed, Wednesday.... No word. I called them Wednesday afternoon. Here is how it went down.

"Hi, I need to speak with celeste, the surgery scheduler. She's supposed to give me my surgery date for next week."
"Oh, Celeste is on vacation today."
"WTF. Well can someone else help me, this is urgent."
"Sorry, no. She's the only person who does surgery scheduling. I think she is back tomorrow, want her voicemail?"

So I left her a vm, then B called them and nicely bitched them out. A clinical coordinator stepped in and tried to help. She said Celeste hadn't even STARTED the process of contacting my insurance, or scheduling anything. She also hadn't asked anyone to cover for her, while on vacation.

i fucking hate this clinic. This is why we left them back on Nov 2008. I trust their doctor with this surgery, but I hate everything else about them. This always happens.

Well Celeste is back from vacation today. Still no word, and she gets in at 6:45am. I just called and left her another voicemail. She is such a bitch - why can't she call me back. Now I'm concerned that I won't be able to schedule surgery for next week, when i REALLY NEED IT. im in constant pain.

The clinical coordinator offered May 6th as the surgery date yesterday. Two weeks from now, for emergency surgery? Are you fucking out of your MIND? I said no.

This bitch Celeste better call me back asap. I have to start getting coverage for work!

NEVER EVER use Fertility Physicians of Northern California, people. I'm serious.

Discrimination at it's finest.

"Sorry, but we do not place children with LGBT families."

"We do not allow LGBT couples to adopt through our program."

I'm slowly starting my search for adoption agencies. I've found a few that will work with LGBT couples, but almost all of them either have VERY limited pools of birth moms, or s substantially longer waitlist.

Other agencies I've found are sending me rejection letter after rejection letter. I guess being gay, I've grown a bit immune to the nuances of daily/subtle discrimination. (With exception to Prop 8) These rejection letters remind me that we have a long way to go, and they are like a slap in the face. I get angry, even, that these agencies would deny a loving, financially stable couple like us from adopting a child. We could be easily the best parents in their entire network. But no, because Sally would have 2 mommies, she's better off in foster care.

Bullshit.

I've been wondering....what would make a birth mother choose a lesbian couple, of ALL the hundreds of traditional families they are looking at? Honestly, I don't know. Why would someone pick us, unless they are gay. The odds of them being gay are low, because if they are pregnant they probably WANTED to be pregnant.

So I'm curious. Why us? We'll likely end up doing open adoption, since the agency that places the most kids with LGBT couples only does open adoption. I wonder what would make someone pick a gay couple. This really puzzles me. If I were some straight 20 year old, I would probably pick Tom and Jane, the cute, sporty, fun couple from Portland, Oregon.

Well, here's hoping if we adopt, that a birthmother chooses us! And to all these agencies that slam their door in our faces, shame on them.

More bad news. Sorry.

So I made an urgent appt with my former RE today. They did the hysteroscopy for me in November.

She took a look, and feels 50% certain it's endometriosis. She recommends semi-urgent surgery next week, so I'm waiting to find out my surgery date. She said she will be very careful to save as much ovarian tissue as possible. There is a risk that many eggs will be removed in the process, lowering my ovarian reserve.

I asked her to be straight with me about my chances of conceiving. She said if this is endometriosis, my odds are much lower even with IVF. She said it usually produces poor egg quality, which IVF cannot circumvent. She said my other issue is that I get these giant leading follicles, which we haven't been able to treat yet. She said that is VERY uncommon in someone of my age, and could pose an equally big threat to my ability to conceive through IVF.

Long story short, she said my odds of conceiving with IVF are dramatically lower now - given these two conditions. She recommends we still try one round. That will help us know if my egg quality is good. if it's not, we move to Becky.

Becky's going to be 36 next year, so her egg quality is declining fast. If worst comes to worst, we will adopt. Wondering if any of you know of adoption agencies in CA? We're ideally looking to adopt a newborn (without much mental/physical diseases - only because we don't have the proper environment to help those kids).

It's funny, you know? We're about to be faced with the "last resort" options we laughed off a year ago. I never thought I would do IVF, and I never thought I'd be told IVF may not work at all. I never thought we'd have to look to Becky for IVF, and certainly not adoption.

This has been a very ..... long 7 days. Processing a lot, and trying to recalibrate my expectations.

Thanks for the support!

Thanks for all the kind comments you left to my last post. I am getting a bit better at dealing with reality now. First, I need to get rid of this cyst and any possible endometrosis scarring. My RE wants me to come back in two weeks, but I don't know if I can wait that long.

I've been in on/off debilitating pain from this cyst. I'll feel ok (always some degree of aching), but then I'll be doubled over in pain. Last night I went to a dinner with friends, and felt great! An hour after I got home, I had the worst stabbing pains yet in my ovary. I couldn't even talk - and the pain was so bad that me, with a high tolerance for pain, was crying. I took M0trin, which did NOTHING. I took a Vic0din, and several hours later the pain lessened.

Seriously, I can't go on like this. I can't wait another few weeks to see if the cyst goes away on it's own. I'm thinking of going back to my last fertility clinic, the ones who did my hysteroscopy. I don't trust my current RE to do surgery on me, just a gut feeling.

At the same time, all of these cyst appts are eating up the last of my lifetime fertility benefits.

Once I can take care of this cyst, I am fast tracking myself to IVF. I will do 1-2 rounds, then B will have a go at it. She'll be 36 by then, which means odds are low. We're finally starting to consider the fact that we may have to adopt. In the next few months, we may start the long process of adoption paperwork. We're likely looking at open adoption agencies. The fost-adopt programs out here are plentiful, but 99% of the kids have serious problems such as crack/heroine addictions/exposure in utero. Major physical or mental diseases. There is nothing wrong with that per se, except we would not be able to provide the environment or attentive care that those kids deserve. We work 10 hours a day, and already have enough lifestyle challenges for a semi-normal child.

Long story short, we're realizing it's not the end of the world if we can't carry a child. I mean, it feels like it is, but I'm forcing myself to recognize that other options might be possible....even if the wait list is 2 years. :)

Update from last post

Fuck. I just got back from my RE appt. Bad news on top of bad news.
The cyst really isn't shrinking, it's filled with blood. Long story short, my RE thinks there's a 75% chance I have endometriosis.

Fucking endometriosis. Which basically means my only shot in HELL of getting pregnant is IVF.

I go back in 2.5 weeks for another look. If it magically shrinks a lot, I might be ok. My doc was pretty straightforward, and said this looks like an endometrioma cyst, which means I've developed endometriosis.

I am sinking into a hole of bad news followed by more bad news. Seriously, I feel like the next time I go back she'll tell me I have cancer.

Well, endometriosis changes things, that's for sure. I'm just really struggling to hold back the tears today, guys.

Reflecting (& perhaps some shared thoughts with others still TTC)

I leave for my u/s in another hour - to check on this cyst pain. I'm sitting here in a bit of a funk. I could really use you guys as a sounding board right now, if that's ok.

I feel like I derailed somewhere on the TTC train. Or maybe I got on the wrong train, headed in another direction. Thirteen months ago we started IUIs, and since then it's been non-stop pain, discomfort, and sad news. Bad donors, polyps, surgery, several cysts, and a whole lotta BFNs.

At the same time, I've watched family, friends, coworkers, and about 80% of my blogroll get pregnant, give birth, and many have been enjoying the last 6-12 months with their new child. Many of these people started TTC when we did. And some of these people are now pregnant with their second child. Even all the women in my "Bay Area Lesbians TTC" group now have babies or belly bumps. All of them, except me.

I feel like I'm in some altered state. Like - I should be where THEY are. That was supposed to be my life, I should have a 2 month old baby right now. Instead I have a cyst hemorraging into my abdomen. Instead, I am living in this strange state where I don't have a baby, no pregnancy, and almost no hope left.

I feel like if this were some movie, I'd be that unfortunate infertile friend who gets to enjoy other people's baby showers, children's birthdays, and ultrasound pictures....but never my own. And this has been my life the past thirteen months.

I never thought I would still be TTC at thirteen months. I heard stories of unfortunate people who took 1-2 years to conceive, and I waved it off. Pfft, that will never be me. The women in MY family get pregnant on the first try. I'll be that annoying person who gets pregnant right away. Well, no.

I've been suffering on this TTC train for over a year. I have no baby or bump to show for it. Here is what I do have to show for it:
1. 30 pounds of weight gain. The heaviest weight I've ever been at, and I've thrown out 90% of my clothes. All I can wear now are oversized jeans and hoodies. Slumdog.
2. $7,000 wasted on sperm
3. Maxed out fertility benefits, and $2,000 lost in copays.
4. At least 50 hours of missed work due to RE appts
5. Low self esteem, and a loss of hope
6. A feeling of aching emptiness

I started out with 90% of my blogroll consisting of bloggers TTC. Now, about 80% of them have babies/pregnancy. There are just a few of us left. Is it in the cards for me to get pregnant? What scares me, is that I don't feel it ANYWHERE in my bones anymore...that it's going to happen. Yikes.

SOS

Update: RE left me a message saying I should come in Saturday morning for an appt. Pain for 3 days doesn't seem normal. Who knows, maybe there's an infection with the cyst, and I need surgery. I would just really like this pain to end soon. I left a vm with RE's office to schedule an appt tomorrow. Waiting for them to call me back. I'm trying not to get too down, but I did have a mini crying fit earlier, with the "Why is this happening to me?" song. :)
------

Ok seriously this week sucked. Since Wednesday, my cyst has been causing me anywhere from mild to severe abdominal pain. At the same time, I've had a 6-day migraine.

I missed work yesterday because of the cyst pain. My RE offered to do an u/s, but I didn't want to waste $500 from what's left of my fertility benefits. Today I woke up and the cyst pain felt 50% better, but my headache was worse. I went to Urgent Care, missed work again, and after some heavy narcotics, my headache is gone.

The cyst pain - is back with a vengeance. Really bad cramping on my left ovary. I don't think the ovary is twisted, I've been laying on the sofa for 3 days. I don't know what's going on. Is the cyst leaking nonstop? Is there something else? All I know is I'm sick and tired of this constant pain.

If, by Monday, I STILL have these shooting, constant pains - I will go see my RE. I was wanting to avoid surgery, but I'm starting to wonder if it's now necessary to make this pain stop. I hope the cyst isn't getting infected or something, that would suck.

Has anyone ever had cyst pain for 3 days straight? What should I do? I can't afford another urgent care visit. Should I wait until Monday? The pain was 50% less today, until about an hour ago. Is that progress?

I miss feeling normal. :(

Bah humbug.

I'm sidelined again.

I went in eager to see my ultrasound. My right ovary looks great - no leading follicle, but lots of little ones!
We panned over to my left ovary and BAM!!!! There's my GI-FUCKING-GANTIC cyst.

Everyone in the room just let out a sad sigh. There was my giant cyst. It was 4cm last month. After 4 weeks, it's only gone down 1cm. It's now 3cm. It's also turned into a giant blood clot. RE says this is a good thing, since last month it was all clear fluids, and leaking.

So that's it folks. She's putting me back on birth control for another month. At this rate, it's gonna take 2-3 more months for it to go away, or else I need surgery.

One thing is for sure. Prayer works. I know my Mormon mom and sister are praying daily that I won't be able to have a child, and bring my perversion into the world. Well it's working for them. :(

And so it begins again...

I stopped birth control 3 days ago. No AF yet, but nonstop migraines. I noticed that on BC, my migraines decreased by like 80%! Instead of 4-5 a week, it was 1. It was so awesome. Now Im back to daily migraines.

My u/s is tomorrow. RE will check to see if my cyst is gone. if so, I begin Gonal-F injections on Thursday. She's having me do 225iu's, which seems a bit much!

It's weird to be back on the TTC wagon. Do I have a lot of faith in this cycle? I wish I did. I feel kind of numb. I feel like I'm a robot and my job is to robotically go through cycle after negative cycle....to endlessly try, yet not get pregnant. Because if I got pregnant, my robotic job would be over, and that can't happen. :)

Well here goes another try! IUI #10.

I <3 "That One"

Go Obama!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/07/gay-families-invited-to-w_n_184324.html

deduction question

So if we move to IVF we will be deduction our fertility expenses. I've heard mixed responses about deducting sperm. We spent nearly $4,000 in January. If we can deduct that, that would be great!

Do any of you know if you can deduct the cost of frozen sperm, if it's required to get pregnant?

Quick check in

Doesn't blogging feel weird when you're on a break? I have one week left of birth control pills, then we start our 2nd and last medicated IUI cycle.

We've decided to do this last IUI cycle, then the one-cycle IVF plan. My insurance will cover half of it (then permanently run out of fertility benefits). It's scary to think I will be on my own to pay for all-things-fertility! We figure that, if it takes more than 1 IVF round, at least we can deduct medical expenses on our tax return. It's too bad the first 7.5% doesn't count!

I'm so behind on your blogs - it's been a busy last two weeks. I'm still trying to get my new car insured, and today I'm cleaning out the 1998 N*ssan Altim@, and going to see if I can get at least $1,000 trade in at a dealership. I'd be surprised if I can get $500!

PS - I had an awesome Weds-Thurs at work! My coworker/friend's boyfriend is the bass guitarist for a band (part of the former Blink-182). I had lunch withe the band, and was talking to Tom DeLonge (former blink-182 singer) about how to use FB to promote their band. It was awesome hanging out with them. We went to a happy hour after work and I talked to the guitarist for several hours. Turns out he (my friend's bf) thought I was wicked cool, and invited me to a dinner with the band Thursday night.

Seriously, someone pinch me! He gave me his personal email address, friended me on FB, and wants to hang out next time he's in town. The best part - they are releasing a 3rd album, and go on tour. I'm gonna get backstage, and SIDESTAGE passes to rock out while they're playing. Dude, this stuff never happens to me. haha. Anyway, they were such nice guys, and I feel so lucky to have spent a magical 24 hours with them.

Ok, off to check all your blogs!

Uhhh yeah. Well this sucks.

So we decided to do this last IUI, then do IVF.

I got my financial packet today from the IVF clinic we want to use. They have the best results. Now when I see the financial packages available, I get screwed in all of them.

You can only bill insurance for his basic $8,500 1-try IVF. $8,500, does not include cryopreservation, anesthesia, etc.

I wanted the 2-cycle plan for $12,500 or the $15,000 shared-risk plan. Well guess what? there are clear instructions on his form that you CANNOT bill insurance. if they find out you billed your insurance, they void the entire contract and kick you out of the program.

So this means - I can't even use my fertility benefits for IVF! We may as well keep doing useless IUIs. I can't believe this. Also, for the optional plans, they conveniently exclude his $3,000 embryo transfer fee. So that's $3000, plus anesthesia.

I'm suddenly feeling at a loss. We don't have money for any of this, if we can't use fertility benefits. All I can use benefits for is the 1-cycle plan, but that's putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Versus doing 2-3 more medicated IUI cycles.

FUCK. This changes everything. Why won't this fucker let me use my fertility benefits for the shared-risk or two-cycle plan? there is no way we could self-pay.