I leave for my u/s in another hour - to check on this cyst pain. I'm sitting here in a bit of a funk. I could really use you guys as a sounding board right now, if that's ok.
I feel like I derailed somewhere on the TTC train. Or maybe I got on the wrong train, headed in another direction. Thirteen months ago we started IUIs, and since then it's been non-stop pain, discomfort, and sad news. Bad donors, polyps, surgery, several cysts, and a whole lotta BFNs.
At the same time, I've watched family, friends, coworkers, and about 80% of my blogroll get pregnant, give birth, and many have been enjoying the last 6-12 months with their new child. Many of these people started TTC when we did. And some of these people are now pregnant with their second child. Even all the women in my "Bay Area Lesbians TTC" group now have babies or belly bumps. All of them, except me.
I feel like I'm in some altered state. Like - I should be where THEY are. That was supposed to be my life, I should have a 2 month old baby right now. Instead I have a cyst hemorraging into my abdomen. Instead, I am living in this strange state where I don't have a baby, no pregnancy, and almost no hope left.
I feel like if this were some movie, I'd be that unfortunate infertile friend who gets to enjoy other people's baby showers, children's birthdays, and ultrasound pictures....but never my own. And this has been my life the past thirteen months.
I never thought I would still be TTC at thirteen months. I heard stories of unfortunate people who took 1-2 years to conceive, and I waved it off. Pfft, that will never be me. The women in MY family get pregnant on the first try. I'll be that annoying person who gets pregnant right away. Well, no.
I've been suffering on this TTC train for over a year. I have no baby or bump to show for it. Here is what I do have to show for it:
1. 30 pounds of weight gain. The heaviest weight I've ever been at, and I've thrown out 90% of my clothes. All I can wear now are oversized jeans and hoodies. Slumdog.
2. $7,000 wasted on sperm
3. Maxed out fertility benefits, and $2,000 lost in copays.
4. At least 50 hours of missed work due to RE appts
5. Low self esteem, and a loss of hope
6. A feeling of aching emptiness
I started out with 90% of my blogroll consisting of bloggers TTC. Now, about 80% of them have babies/pregnancy. There are just a few of us left. Is it in the cards for me to get pregnant? What scares me, is that I don't feel it ANYWHERE in my bones anymore...that it's going to happen. Yikes.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Reflecting (& perhaps some shared thoughts with others still TTC)
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2 comments:
We belong to a new thought Christian church who believes in the saying "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
I don't want to say I know exactly how you feel, but I can empathize. We started charting/talking about TTC in August of 2006. In August of 2007 I had my cyst removed. We just got our first ever BFP last month. Its been a tulmutous time. It's hard to stay positive and see the good in the situation, but it's there. The world is conspiring with you, and if you believe it, amazing things can happen.
Lots of love to you both.
If you want some positive energy then you shouldn't proceed in reading this comment. I'm not exactly in my happy place today.
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I come from a fertile family like yours, and, like you, I never could have suspected that I would be on this journey for as long as have. It's fucked up and I'm so sorry that you've also lost yourself amidst all the heartache.
I don't know what you should do, I don't know what I would do if I were you or in your particular situation. There are many who would advise that you charge on and try and try again promising a pregnancy is right around the corner. But it's so hard to continue what starts to feel like punishment as those around you reach pregnancy and you're stuck... not.
What I think is best is to consider all options equally - take an extended break, try IVF, switch uteri (if that's even a consideration for you two), seek out a KD, or keep on keeping on (or a combination of any of the above).
I don't know if you or I will ever achieve pregnancy and I can't forward promises that someday we will... I just know that, no matter what happens, we'll be okay. That I'm sure of.
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