All too familiar!

Have you guys seen this show? "30 Days" - by Morgan Spurlock. He puts someone in a really awkward situation for 30 days, to see if they change their views. Think: hunter living with vegans, or in this case....Mormon mother living with two gay parents.

Growing up in a Mormon household, I'm surrounded by people who think, talk, and act just like this woman. So absolutely closed minded, and unable to see things as they are. And of course, the "holier than thou" and "my God is better than your God," and "only *I* have the truth" attitude.

You have to watch this show. She spends 30 days watching the two kindest fathers, who've adopted foster childen whom NO ONE wanted. Their kids are confident, loved, and this lady couldn't see it. They also show this lady the living conditions of children in group homes (aka orphanages), and she cried at how unfair and awful it is. Yet when pressed, she said she'd rather have children live in those conditions, than to go to loving gay families. Wow.

But you know what.... my own mother said these things to me, and much worse things, too. I know Mormons, and there is nothing that will make them change their religious views. Not living with a nice gay couple for 30 days. They are so trained to believe what they are told. If the Mormon church, tomorrow, said gay parenting is ok....suddenly these same people would be praising it, saying how wonderful it is. So you see, in my opinion, they don't see things as they are....they can only live in a robotic state of mind, and repeat what they are told.

And how interesting, that the same religion who pioneered "alternative marriages," and proclaimed the sanctity of marriage was between one man and a woman, and another woman, and another woman, and another woman........ now turn around and judge others. Just 100 years ago they felt a child growing up with a dad and 14 moms was healthy?

I'm a bad friend

So....I'm just going to be honest with you all. I'm a bad friend. I learned this over the past 48 hours.

At first, it was a half-joke to be "really upset" when I saw other pregnant women. Well, I've crossed that line. Now it does really upset me, and it's no longer the half-joke when I frown at seeing pregnant lady. I'm surrounded by pregnant bellies. It's like a new world order. Everyone must get pregnant, except for me.

Have you ever had that horrible feeling of "it's just never going to happen for me?" To my horror, I'm already feeling that way. Once you lose hope, it's a really unbearable feeling. I know, it's too early to lose hope. I'm sure I'll bounce back.

Officially, as of yesterday, ALL of my gay friends trying to have kids are now pregnant. Every single one of them, but me. Every. single. one. Not to mention almost all of my straight friends are now pregnant, too.

There is some odd solace in knowing you have at least one friend who is struggling with the same problem as you, whether it be being single, or TTC. We had one set of friends left, that had been TTC for 5 months. It's like an unofficial club forms, where you're both automatically members. "We are in the TTC club."

Well, we got a voicemail yesterday from that friend, saying "I'm 5 months pregnant!" We haven't seen her in 2 months, and she hadn't told us sooner because she was told she might lose the baby.

In one breath, I am so happy for her and her partner. In the other breath, I am verging on crying all day. I'm sad. Sad that they had the good luck we didn't have. Sad that today, our OTHER gay couple friend are helping her shop for maternity clothes. It's like this amazing rite of passage that we're trying so hard to reach, yet we still don't have an invitation.

This is what makes me a bad friend. I'm happy for her, sad for us. And in a small way, I wish she was still TTC, so that I'd have my "buddy." Now, I feel as though something is wrong with me. Everyone else has become pregnant, and they are all in a different world. that world you're in when you're pregnant. But we're not. We're still not invited.

A friend once told me, "Trying to get pregnant is like applying for the biggest job of your life. You go in, each month, spend 10 hours in interviews, and each time you get soundly rejected. And yet, you have to go back a few weeks later and apply all over again."

That's a good analogy. I offer another analogy. It's like planning a big, big party. Pulling out all the stops, you put tons of effort, time, and money into planning this big party. And each month, no one comes. So you take down all the decorations, eat the cake yourself, pour the punch down the sink.....and start planning the same damn party again next month. It gets harder and harder each month, when no one comes.

Still plugging along!

Hey all! I know I seem really MIA lately. After my two week vacation, I came back for a weeklong offsite sales conference. Finally, I'm done with all the travel. :)

Things have been good. Still sidelined, but not totally down. I've been trying to workout more, and do things I normally would be too scared to do during TWW. (long bike rides, rafting) We had a fantastic time at Russian River last weekend, went to 12 wineries, kayaked, and the dog was with us the whole time.

I've had this really light trickle of period...on and off, and so light I haven't needed a liner. (Sorry, TMI) Suddenly last night the flow became more consistent, redder, and now I need to wear a tampon. And I have cramps!

I can't tell what's going on. Is this the rest of my period coming out? The RE said with my ovarian cyst, that it paused my last period on Day 4, and that eventually it would come out. She also said when my next REAL period starts, that I should make an appt for an ultrasound (to possibly start TTC again).

My question is - is this my last period, or new period? I'm kind of thinking it's both. My last period never fully came out, and she said my lining was still thick at my last ultrasound. But I also think my lining has been building up, so maybe this is also partly my next period. Ah, who knows.

I'm thinking I'll need to wait for this to end, then wait another 3 weeks for my next cycle to start. I guess this means I am losing 2 months. But....what can I do? I can sit and cry about it, but that won't change anything. And we're talking 2-3 months here, not 9-10 months.

I just need to ride this out, and continue having fun in the meantime. Maybe a wild bike ride? Maybe picnic at a winery? Definitely more sushi and deli sandwiches. :)

Silver Lining Weekend

It's not so bad, you know? I've actually bucked up a bit this week, and am not as depressed as I was Sunday, when we got the news. We went back for a second ultrasound on Wednesday, with a new RE at the same facility. I'd seen this lady's photo on my RE's website, and thought she looked kinda kooky. I was nervous about her doing my ultrasound. (Yes, I may have inadvertently pre-judged her medical abilities based on a bad profile photo).

She showed me my ginormous cyst. Becky leaned forward, staring at the monitor. She couldn't believe how big it was. The RE said my cyst actually got bigger in 2 days. She was very calm, and communicative. I like communicative. She said NOT to worry about my cyst. She said it will get bigger for a few more days, but then rapidly decline. She said this has caused my body to continue producing estrogen, so I've been in a holding pattern of Day 4 of my cycle. She said once my estrogen drops, the rest of my lining will come out. She said my lining is still pretty full. This would explain why I keep intermittently bleeding.

She could not find the polyp, but said those are hard to see with a full lining. She said it's possible I don't have a polyp, and it was a bloodclot of sorts that eventually came out.

Her analysis: She thinks at most, we are sidelined for 2 months. (not 3) She said IF my cyst disappears rapidly, and I do not have a polyp, it's possible we could try next cycle! We were so relieved to hear this. She wants me to come back on Day 5 of my "real period" and get another ultrasound. If she sees a polyp-looking thing then, I will need another HSG, and then surgery. That will definitely sideline us for another month.

So please keep your fingers crossed for us. I am trying to be very positive. While we wait for the rest of my period to fall out (haha), we are having fun.

Becky decided we should be spontaneous this weekend. Within 2 hours, we booked a hotel, kayaking trip, and a wine-tasting bike ride in Sonoma! We head up tonight. There are so many breweries in Sonoma County. Tomorrow we will hitch the child-carrier to one of our bikes, and put the dog in it. We will bike 15-20 miles stopping at about 10 wineries. There are so many wineries, it's ridiculous. The photo in this blog is from the road we'll be on.

Sunday we are renting an inflatable kayak and floating down Russian River all day. We'll have the dog in his lifejacket (cute!), and a cooler of beer. :)

And in final good news, we found out I was overcharged for my RE visits. I have a $500 credit coming my way!

Sorry for the long post. I know I'm lagging lately in my posting, and promise to be better! Wanted to send y'all an update before we head up for wine country. I look forward to reading all your blogs. xx

Sidelined already??

Hey all, we're back! We had a great time on the east coast. Saw a ton of friends, met their babies, went to a wedding in NY, saw our favorite haunts. My only regret is that we didn't get a chance to hang out with the Verges-Radack gals.

So now I have some sad news. We were so excited for Try #3, and I had my mid-cycle ultrasound this morning. The doctor was super nice, but he threw me bad news, after bad news, after bad news.

Blow #1: He said I have no follicles this month.
Blow #2: He said I have a gigantic cyst on my left ovary. He said it's likely the result of my HCG trigger shot.
Blow #3: He said it will take 4-6 more weeks for the cyst to go away, and until then I will not ovulate.
Blow #4: He noticed a growth inside my uterus. He said I have a polyp in there, but wants me to get a second opinion. If it it a polyp, it will hinder my ability to get pregnant.
Blow #5: He recommends I have another HSG (dammit, those SUCK), so they can identify the polyp.
Blow #6: I have to wait until next cycle to do the HSG, then it could take another month or two after surgery to be able to TTC again.
Blow #7: All in all, we're focking sidelined for 2-3 months right now.

We've only tried two times! And now we're sidelined with injuries. I'm trying to stay positive, but this is really devastating so early in our journey. A lot of this is a result of the HCG trigger shot...unfortunate side effects. I'm worried about continuing the trigger shot, if it means we keep losing 3 months after that. But I'm worried to NOT do the trigger shot, and it means we have no effing clue when I ovulate. As you all know, using frozen sperm necessitates almost exact ovulation timing.

I just can't believe this is happening. Has anyone else been through this? My second ultrasound is Wednesday afternoon. Between now and then, I am generating a long list of questions.

xx

Vacation!

I am in better spirits today, than I was a few days ago. I got "the call" from my RE, saying it was negative. We cried it out, and then went hog wild. I figured I had to find the silver lining. We immediately got deli sandwiches, went to my favorite brewery, then Sunday we spent the entire day eating our way through SF. We got more beer, two sushi meals, wine tasting, etc. So yes, I found the silver lining. And then I ate the silver lining.

We have a 4am cab coming tomorrow, to take us to the airport. We will be in Boston and upstate NY the next 10 days. So excited! I plan to eat/drink the silver lining there, too. Beer, oysters, lobsta! We're really excited about this trip. The only downer is leaving little pup behind. This is the longest we've been gone from him, but we have the world's best dog sitter staying at our house. I bought Snap tons of treats, and even his own tub of deli meat. He'll be spoiled. :)

My period amazingly started late...in fact, it's still probably one day away from starting. The good news is that we will be BACK in time for an ultrasound and IUI. Originally, we thought we'd miss the entire cycle.

Might not get a chance to blog until we get home, so wanted to wish you all well. xoxo