Waiting for OB to call

I left her a mesg last night, asking for her thoughts on the scan photo. (I don't think she'd seen it yet). I dunno, the back of the baby's head looks huge, like there is a huge mass of fluid and bone or something. It doesn't match up to other 11w scans I found on g00gle. We're a bit worried about what this means, and it could mean nothing.

Trying to schedule our nuchal scan for next Friday, which is the earliest my blood results will be in. This is going to be the longest 10 days of my life. PS - if ANYONE has 11week scans that look similar to mine below, please let me know. Maybe I can even convince you to email them to me. LOL. Anything for peace of mind, eh.

11w1d

We had our 11w1d OB appointment today. Some highlights:
1. I've gained about +6 pounds so far.
2. I'm considered somewhat high-risk because of my clotting issues, so I will be getting monthly growth scans with a perinatologist.
3. OB could not find heartbeat with the doppler - I was a little freaked out.
4. OB had us do an ultrasound to check for fetus - she said it would be abdominal, but like an old habit, I took all my pants/underwear off. HAHA. oops. We saw the baby, measured perfectly. It even waved at us. HB is 150.
5. Next week we do a nuchal screening.
6. Doc half-recommended an amnio because of my clotting issues, since they can cause defects. We'll see how the blood and nuchal results are and decide later.
7. Baby B is still there, still measures 8w3d. I wish it had shrunk down by now. The longer it stays that size, the later and perhaps more severe the bleeding/cramping could be. I just want it to go away now. It also adds a lot of tissue to my abdomen, meaning using a doppler will be very difficult for at least another month. Damn.

Ok, I posted a pic from today's scan. I must be paranoid, but I'm thinking two things. Does the head look normal? It looks HUGE! And does this kid have legs? I never see legs on any of the scans. I'm telling myself I'm just a spaz, and I'm sure the perinatologist will reassure me everything is fine.

Having said that, I also noticed the huge amount of....fluid? behind the baby's neck. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little concerned at that mass. Did I mention the ultrasound technician had looked at me halfway through the scan and asked, "Are you going to get a nuchal scan?" Maybe she saw something, too?

Doppler recommendation?

Hey guys - assuming all goes well at our Tuesday appt, I'd like to buy or rent a doppler. I want to make sure we get a good one, one that has the best odds of picking up a hb at 11 weeks.

Any recommendations on which is the best one to buy/rent?
Any tips on how to best use it? Does it happen often that you can't find the hb (just so I don't panic) :)

PS - The pregnancy fatigue is in FULL SWING. Totally to the max. I am in bed 10 hours a day, and I feel like a zombie the rest of the day. Does it get better?

Tahoe Pictures!

Here are some pics from our Lake Tahoe trip. You can see how much weight I've gained. :( (And not in the right places, haha!) I mostly uploaded pics of Becky, since she looks better than I do. :) Still, we had a totally awesome time!

Still exhaling...

Baby A is ok. We were really expecting the worst. My stomach is getting flatter, my symptoms are gone, and I just didn't feel any essence of "life" in my belly. I was trying so hard to stay positive, though, you have no idea.

The ultrasound technician first tried an abdominal scan. She pushed in hard, and we saw two tiny sacs, and both babies looked small and quiet in each one. We feared the worst. She moved to a vaginal scan, to see better. Baby A was wiggling around, waving at us! I didn't believe it.

Heartbeat is 154 (down from 173 10 days ago, but doc says it's all normal). Growth measured 10w1d. We were beside ourselves, and gave each other a giant hug. Still, though. Utter disbelief.

Baby B hasn't shrunk at all, bummer. The doc said that sometime in the next 10 weeks, I may experience horrible cramping and very heavy bleeding. In fact, I may pass the fetal tissue. Scary!!! My IVF doc said I wouldn't have any cramping or bleeding! The doc today said it's possible, but unlikely, that my body will push baby A out, too. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

I asked the doctor what he thought about Baby B's passing. He said it is very unusual to lose a baby once a heartbeat is established. He said it could be chromosomal, but it likely could have been a blood clot. My damn MTHFR and antiphospholipid antibodies both cause clotting. Doc said to stay on baby aspirin and blood thinners to reduce the risk of losing Baby A. Some sites say, even with treatment, there's still a 25%-45% chance of losing a pregnancy at any stage. WTF. This doc seemed to give me a 25% chance of losing Baby A. I suppose those odds are better than 45%. Still, though, wow.

I wish I could fast forward through pregnancy. Physically it's been super easy. Mentally, it's going to be a rocky road. The doc even warned us of that. I have a lot of issues going on with my body, so I just want to have the baby in my arms versus always wondering if s/he is still alive.

For today at least, Baby A is thriving and we are so grateful. :)

Back from vacation

We had a great time in Lake Tahoe, very relaxing. We talked about Baby A and Baby B, and feel as mentally prepared as possible for whatever tomorrow's ultrasound brings.

I'll upload pics this week from our trip, and of course, I will share tomorrow's news on Baby A. Thanks for the continued good thoughts.

Off to Tahoe!

I woke up today, as we're preparing to start our drive to Tahoe - and read all of your comments. (You have NO idea how much checking my blog hourly is a part of my normal routine. LOL).

Thanks for all the input, and I agree with all of you! I'm sure had he said it in person, the tone would be much warmer. Email is hard. I also agree with those of you who said all things considered, his email tone still could have been a bit less condescending. I think what bummed me the most about his email was that he was making me feel silly and small for showing concern over cramping/spotting. I've been nonstop cramping for 24 hours now. God only knows what's going on in my ute these days.

Well, onto lighter subjects. We are making breakfast (hash browns, my fave!), and heading for Lake Tahoe! We can't wait, it's perfect timing for vacation. We can rest up, have fun with the puppy, and come Monday's ultrasound, we will be ready for whatever the news may be.

Happy weekending to all of you! xx

Dr. Insensitivo!

Normally I love my IVF doc. He's warm and sweet. I got an email from him today, and it somewhat hurt my feelings.

Last night I had a really sharp cramp, that had me doubled over for a few minutes. Today I had more constant, light cramping, with a decent amount of brown spotting. Naturally, I was a little concerned, and I hope it's just Baby B being reabsorbed.

I emailed my doctor, letting him know, and I asked him if he thinks everything is ok - and is this simply Baby B reabsorbing?

His response:
"Try and avoid over analyzing every symptom, you will only end up creating more stress which finds up your immune system in a negative way.

The brown spotting could be the reabsorption of the second sac."

First of all, I am not overanalyzing every symptom. (If I do, I do it on this blog, and I do not bring him into it. I've only contacted him 3x with concerns: when I spotted the first time, when I had follow up questions about Baby B, and today's cramping/spotting). The way he said that offended me.

I know I am a spaz most of the time. But.....when it comes to conversations with my doctor, I am actually really good. He asked me before to let his office know if I experienced any cramping/spotting, so I was doing what he asked. Secondly, they ALWAYS say to contact your doctor if you have concerns, cramping, spotting. I don't think I was "overanalyzing every symptom" by letting him know. I'd understand if I was emailing him with every twinge, every headache, etc. I don't. Furthermore! He told me I would NOT cramp or spot due to Baby B's loss. So WTF is happening? Is this Baby A? He's been wrong about many things so far. He said 25% chance of twins. We got twins. He said only 5% chance of losing one. We lost at least one. He said no cramping or spotting after losing Baby B. I am having cramping and spotting.

I have a right to be concerned. We've spent 18 months dealing with this, and there is $16,000 riding on this ONE baby left. It's not like I can just go have sex with my hubby if this one fails, and try again.

I am overanalyzing his response, if anything. Still, do you agree with me? Or not? (I welcome disagreement)

Doing Much Better!

Yesterday I hit a low, and amazingly, I'm already bouncing back. You know how it goes, sometimes you just need to "feel the shite" in order for it to pass through your system.

It didn't help that I've had a KILLER migraine since Friday. I'm home sick today with it, still. I finally took a Tylenol with codeine today, it barely took an edge off. My doc says it's ok to take, but I'd taken one on Thursday, too. (And it turns out, coincidence or not, that was the day Baby B arrested) You can understand why I waited as long as I possibly could to take another one. :\

Here's my new attitude:
I am at peace with knowing Baby B was not meant to be with us. Maybe Baby A is not meant to be with us either, but all we can do is live in the now. We'll enjoy each day that we have with him/her. If we are blessed to deliver Baby A in 7 months, we will feel incredibly lucky. We won't take a single day of this pregnancy for granted.

For now, until proven otherwise, Baby A is still with us and needs our love. I setup an extra scan next Monday, to see how s/he's doing. I imagine I'll need this incremental reassurance for a while.

"Anonymous"

Ooo, I got my first zinger! Someone named "anonymous" just posted the most disgusting, mean-spirited comment to my last post. I debated removing it, but I decided to keep it up. Stacey, thank you for coming to my defense.

"Anonymous" felt the need to kick me when I'm down. I realize I'm in a dark place, but I am grieving the loss of half my pregnancy. I need to feel these feelings, in order for them to eventually pass. I am lucky to have, and scared for, Baby A...but I have every right to not feel like "celebrating" right now. And ps, I have pregnancy hormones that throw my emotions all over the map!

Whoever you are, if my blog offends you I hope you will bugger off. To the other 99.99% of you who've been my support network, don't worry - anonymous' post actually didn't get me down at all. The love you've all sent is like a protective shield from that kind of negativity. In fact, right now I'm realizing just how grateful I am for all of you, and that alone is lifting my spirits. :)

It's tough

I'm starting to slip back into a dark place. I can't get off the sofa, I'm eating hamburgers and milkshakes, and I don't seem to care about anything right now.

I'm 100% convinced that my body killed this baby. I've been reading through communities of women with the same MTHFR diagnosis as I have. They are all on the same meds I'm on (some even on 2x the Lovenox dosage), and still, MANY of them suffered unexpected losses anywhere from 6 weeks to 7 months pregnancy. All their babies had been growing perfectly, strong heartbeats. Then suddenly, they stopped. The women who had D&Cs (which I can't do, due to the surviving twin), had many of them confirmed as a placental clot.

Some "doctors" on these sites chime in, and say that MTHFR is serious, and even with treatment, it at best just lowers the risk of clotting. Clotting can and will still happen at ANY freaking stage of pregnancy - and if it does, bye bye baby. My pills and expensive shots just lower the risk. that's not good enough for me.

I know this makes me a terrible mommy, but I'm this close to giving up on Baby A. I already feel like s/he won't be with us much longer. Whether it's another week or even 6 months from now. My body will do what it's built to do and end it's life. I'm feeling so angry with my body, angry for denying me the most important gift in life.

I can't bear to put faith in Baby A, I can't muster it out of myself right now. How terribly sad and mean of me. :( Baby A has a target on his/hear precious little body. How do you bond with a baby that has a decent chance of miscarrying? I can't read pregnancy books, I can't read my "what to expect" weekly emails. I don't want to, for 1 minute, envision our happy future family because I feel like it's already fading. I've been through too much disappointment, I can't set myself up for it anymore.

It will certainly be a miracle if Baby A survives pregnancy. I wish I still believed in miracles.

The Day After Losing Baby B.....

First, I want to thank you for all the really sweet notes you sent. We feel your hugs and support from all over the country (and world!).

We had a good cry last night. I tried to psychoanalyze myself, I suppose it's the former psych major in me. I realize why losing Baby B hurts on so many levels. I wanted to understand my pain, instead of just "feeling" it.

Level 1. It just sucks losing a baby, at any stage in pregnancy. You get attached so quickly, and we'd already envisioned the rest of our lives with our two bubbies.

Level 2. This is where it hurts the most, actually. I don't believe this was chromosomal, as much as it would make it easier for me. I believe my body killed this poor baby, as it was designed to do. As you know, I have MTHFR (blood clotting issues, that strike at any stage in pregnancy and instantly kill a fetus). I also have NK cells and antiphospholipid antibodies, which attack a fetus and cause clotting, respectively.

I fucking hate my body. It was designed to terminate pregnancies, at any cost. I've paid so much money for L0venox, intralipid infusions, etc, but those mostly treat it 20%-50%. that leaves a HUGE margin for attacking a baby. And i feel like this is what happened.

The scariest part, is that it can happen again, at any time, to Baby A. its making it difficult for me to continue bonding with Baby A, which I know isn't fair to him/her. This is so bad to say, but I just feel like it's a waiting game now to find out Baby A was also terminated by my fucked up body.

I think this shook us up a lot. We'd been in such a dark place for 18 months, a place of despair, disappointment, failure. My body did everything wrong. This was the first time the sun came out, and the birds chirped. It's like we were alive again. We remembered what it's like to be happy, hopeful. We allowed ourselves to get excited, be optimistic, buy twin books, put our registry together, and all we talk about is our future family now.

And just like that, half of our family gets wiped out. Now we're waiting to see what happens with the other baby. We fooled ourselves into thinking the sun was out. The sun is retracting again, and all the old despair, disappointment, and failure is coming back to haunt us. How silly we were to think we'd beaten the odds.

We lost Baby B. :(

We had our 8w4d ultrasound today. Baby A is measuring perfectly, with a 178 hb. When he panned over to Baby B, he said there was no heartbeat. Based on it's growth, it died yesterday. He said it's probably a chromosomal thing, but I feel like it's my clotting issue.

I had to go back to work, and luckily Becky was able to go home. She cried so hard when the doctor left the room, and it made me get strong. I tend to have delayed responses, so I will be grieving a lot this weekend. As freaked out as we were about twins, we were so attached to them. We already couldn't imagine life without the twins.

I believe everything happens for a reason, so I will trust in that. We are just terrified that we will lose Baby A now. Doc said there's a 5%-10% chance of losing Baby A, which is no more than the regular odds of m/c at 8 weeks. We have to stay strong for Baby A. I can't bear it if our 11w scan shows no hb. This will be a long 2.5 weeks.

We have a very emotional weekend ahead of us. :( It's amazing to me, how much of a loss we feel at 8 weeks. I had no idea it would be this hard.

I guess I should update my tickers. And get rid of our twin pregnancy books. And now I feel bad that we bought 2x of some blankets/clothes for our future kids. We we just so excited.

8 weeks, 0 days.

I'm so fat! What's wrong with me? :( I've gained at LEAST 10 pounds just since we started this IVF round. I'm not kidding. (Add that to the LITERALLY 20 pounds I gained in the last 2 years of fertility meds). I promise I will grow to love my preggo belly, but right now I just feel fat. I look like a 4 month pregnant woman, and I'm only 8 weeks! :( My butt, hips, belly all expanded about 2" in the last few weeks. It's gotta be fat. I've seen twin belly pics at 8 weeks, and they are pretty flat. Does this mean I'm going to be the 500 pound pregnant woman with obese babies?

Twin exhaustion

Granted, I don't have a singleton pregnancy to compare to, but my OB said usually with twins you feel symptoms 2x as intense. I believe her. Words cannot explain how this fatigue feels. It hurts to the core, to the bone. My hair hurts. I barely have the energy to type this sentence.

I've been talking to some pregnant friends at work. They all say to wait until 14 weeks to tell my boss, and to wait until all the testing is done. It's not bad advice, but I'm realizing for me, it's not practical either. My belly is already starting to show at 7.5 weeks. I read that twin pregnancies experience the most rapid weight gain in the first and third trimesters, as opposed to singleton. I also read that twin bellies show about 6-8 weeks ahead of singleton bellies.

I can't fight this belly that's wanting to stick out, so I feel LUCKY if I can make it to 12 weeks without giving it away. I know it's risky to make announcements before testing is done, and before I'm in my 2nd trimester, but I may not have a choice. The best I can do is not stress about it. I should be WANTING my belly to stick out, not keep trying to eat less so it stays flatter, eh? The belly does not keep secrets. :)

PS I bought a Twin pregnancy book today. It pretty much painted a doom and gloom picture about twin pregnancy, all the health issues, all the risks, how expensive it is, and how I'll want to kill myself during the first 6 months. Nice book!

Found our OB!

We interviewed an OB today at a practice that is HIGHLY regarded. All docs there are great. We fell in love and cancelled our other interviews. She is completely comfortable with our relationship, seems to have good bedside manners, and is able to give me a little tough love when I need it. Knowing how I freak out all the time, I actually need someone to NOT indulge me, and remind me that things are just fine.

Here's the plan. Next Friday 9/11 we have our last u/s with the IVF doc. Then we have our first OB appt on 9/29. Because I'm having twins, I'll be getting monthly growth ultrasounds. Yay! She said half of all twin pregnancies deliver before 34 weeks, but that we'll take it one day at a time. I hope we make it to 34 weeks, and all the way to 38 weeks!

Now on the symptom side, I've realized what's going on. I'm almost symptom free. Lucky me right? Not really. I think the intensity of ALL of the symptoms I DON'T have has been rolled into utter bone-draining fatigue. I literally can't get a single, simple task done at work after 2pm. It was so bad today that I wanted to cry, the fatigue literally hurt that bad. My job is very intense and stressful, and I have to operate at 200% all day. I really don't know how I'll sustain this.

B convinced me to go for a 30 min walk after work, despite me just wanting to cry and crawl into a sleeping hole. I'm glad she did. It's only my second workout, if you can call it that, in 3 months. I need to be moving around to keep the blood flowing, esp with my clotting issues. That, and she treated me to a green tea gelato halfway through our walk. :) Score!