Normally I love my IVF doc. He's warm and sweet. I got an email from him today, and it somewhat hurt my feelings.
Last night I had a really sharp cramp, that had me doubled over for a few minutes. Today I had more constant, light cramping, with a decent amount of brown spotting. Naturally, I was a little concerned, and I hope it's just Baby B being reabsorbed.
I emailed my doctor, letting him know, and I asked him if he thinks everything is ok - and is this simply Baby B reabsorbing?
His response:
"Try and avoid over analyzing every symptom, you will only end up creating more stress which finds up your immune system in a negative way.
The brown spotting could be the reabsorption of the second sac."
First of all, I am not overanalyzing every symptom. (If I do, I do it on this blog, and I do not bring him into it. I've only contacted him 3x with concerns: when I spotted the first time, when I had follow up questions about Baby B, and today's cramping/spotting). The way he said that offended me.
I know I am a spaz most of the time. But.....when it comes to conversations with my doctor, I am actually really good. He asked me before to let his office know if I experienced any cramping/spotting, so I was doing what he asked. Secondly, they ALWAYS say to contact your doctor if you have concerns, cramping, spotting. I don't think I was "overanalyzing every symptom" by letting him know. I'd understand if I was emailing him with every twinge, every headache, etc. I don't. Furthermore! He told me I would NOT cramp or spot due to Baby B's loss. So WTF is happening? Is this Baby A? He's been wrong about many things so far. He said 25% chance of twins. We got twins. He said only 5% chance of losing one. We lost at least one. He said no cramping or spotting after losing Baby B. I am having cramping and spotting.
I have a right to be concerned. We've spent 18 months dealing with this, and there is $16,000 riding on this ONE baby left. It's not like I can just go have sex with my hubby if this one fails, and try again.
I am overanalyzing his response, if anything. Still, do you agree with me? Or not? (I welcome disagreement)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Dr. Insensitivo!
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15 comments:
You aren't over analyzing, you have a right to be concerned. However, email sometimes makes things seem harsher. now go re-read his email and imagine him standing next to you with his hand on your shoulder saying those exact words in a soothing voice...doesnt seem as harsh. Call and talk to a nurse tomorrow if it continues to happen. we are all pulling for you!
Hmm. I can see both sides of this one. If he told you to let him know if you had cramping/spotting then you did right to do so. He has *somewhat* of a point, from my understanding of how the immune system works, about the stress, but WTF (also FWIW I was HORRIBLY stressed out, as in in fear for my life, during two of my three pregnancies and have high NK cells and didn't manage to off either of those two so mehhhh to the whole "RELAX OR ELSE!" thing). On the him-being-wrong thing, well...he's a doctor, not a psychic, and SOMEone has to be on the shit side of every statistic (I speak from experience on that one; if I had a dollar for every time I heard "this almost never happens" or "I have never, ever seen THIS" or "what more can go wrong with you???" I wouldn't have to worry about keeping my healthcare coverage). I also wouldn't rule out pregnancy hormones and the tremendous pressure (due to financial and logistical factors) coloring your assessment of this. But blogs are for venting and as you said, it isn't as if you've run shrieking to him with this. I do kind of think he should know better than to handle ANY patient who is scared for the viability of her pregnancy with anything but the buttery-softest of kid gloves, but maybe you've come on so calm, cool and collected that he didn't think you'd take his brusqueness personally? I dunno. Probably a better response (at least from a reader, dunno 'bout your doc) is "GOD this sucks, I'm sorry it's so hard, and I hope it ends well!"
its SO hard with email to read the tone, and if i read it alound in a friendly tone, it doesnt sound that harsh, more like a friends tone of telling you not to stress because its bad for you, know what I mean? I dont think he is upset with you. I think he is fine and geniunley doesnt want you to be stressed.
I am glad u have the next ultrasound on Monday, then you will be reasurred. I am sorry you girls are having such a rough time, we are there the whole way
i read it the same way as you did - it felt a little condescending, like he was patting your head and saying "there, there" as he spoke. i hope it wont discourage you from contacting him or your future OB with concerns. your worry over the spotting is perfectly understandable and should be brought to your caregiver's attention.
No way, I would have been offended by his response. I am sure he was busy and trying to be concise? But still, that is a little harsh. Especially after what you have been through and are going through...
Ugh. FWIW, I don't think you were out of line in the LEAST bit. *hugs*
I would also be offended. I can't even read it in a nice way. With your experience he should be alot more supportive of your needs (even if they were constant-which you say they aren't, it would be totally understandable). I think you should contact him via phone or in person rather than email so you can see/hear his tone next time.
I agree with the first comment. I think if it was said to you instead of being written, it may have sounded completely different. It's so easy to misinterpret an email and add a condescending tone to it when the writer never intended it to come off that way. It sounds like he's genuinely concerned about you and wanting you to stay as stress free as possible.
Well, I may be a little oversensitive myself, but it sounds like he was being a dick. When we were trying to find our midwife, we asked our acupuncturist for recommendations (she's gay, just had a homebirth and went thru IVF etc.) She was normally very sensitive and caring, but her response after giving me a few names and descriptions of people was, "well, this person isn't so good with high maintenance patients". I was floored! But, in the end, one of her recommendations is who we chose and we couldn't be happier. Bottom line, you'll be done with the IVF doc very soon anyway, and on to greener pastures. I sure hope the spotting is nothing- OF COURSE you would call your doctor. Don't give it a second thought...hope you can find a way to relax a little until your ultrasound and know that we're all rooting for your family!
ooops, that stacey lynn comment was actually mine! i didn't see that my partner was signed in...thought i'd better claim my comments appropriately! sorry!
Wow, Dr. Insensitivo is right! I had a lot of spotting my first trimester and you better believe I called my RE each time and went in for an ultrasound. I hope this incident doesn't deter you from contacting your dr in the future when you are cramping/spotting. You know your body better than anyone and if something doesn't seem right you should feel at ease to contact your dr. That's what you're paying them for!!
My prayers are with you and Baby A!!
-2girlsandtheirfamily
Agreed that it's hard to determine tone in an email but aside from the chastising, he barely addressed your concern.
I'm sure there are lots of patients that earn colorful sentiments behind the scenes, but even if he was *thinking* it he should have chosen his words MUCH more carefully.
Are you absolutely sure it was him responding and not, say, a nurse or someone else on his behalf?
Honestly, how can you not call about it?? This means everything to you two. You would think a practice like his would understand that.
In short--email can sometimes suck. We don't hear the tone and it can be taken the wrong way. So while I do agree his tone might have been different if you talked to him on the phone or in person, it still doesn't excuse the fact that his tone is short and dismissive.
Maybe this is why my RE does NOT do emails.....
I'm glad that you are going in for the u/s on Monday and I really hope that it's nothing on the spotting.
Really praying for you on this one!
I totally agree with you. My OB's office always says to call if you have cramping or spotting, and they always have you come right in. It's not your job to analyze every symptom, it's his. All you did was report it to him, and he gave you a halfass "it could be" answer. Ugh. Doctors.
I completely agree with you...I a VERY high amount of hcg when I got pregnant with my son (twins run in the family). Around nine weeks, I was spotting. I went in and had an ultra sound. They noticed tissue being reabsorbed and said it was likely a twin pregnancy and that spotting was NORMAL after losing a twin when one survives. He is now almost thirteen years old....hang in there.
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