Family Visit

Well today I had two visits with family members I don't particularly like: My Mom, and Aunt Flo.

Seeing my mom typically entails artificial chatter about work while feigning 'closeness/ease' with each other. The reason I drove down to OC today was to see my sister and nephews. We hung out all day, and had a great time. I spoiled my boys a little, buying them dinosaur stuff.

I'm back up in Hollywood now, at Becky's dad's house. Aunt Flo brought her bags for a 7 day visit. It's somewhat relieving to know I don't have to stress about a TWW this month.

Not much else to report. Tomorrow we head up to San Luis Obispo, and do some wine tasting along the way.

Looks like Sushi & Sake for me tomorrow.

Not a bad tradeoff for a BFN. Yes my friends, the RE called just now to confirm I'm definitely, absolutely, certainly, and 100% not pregnant.

I'm fine. My grieving process for BFN's is generally the day I get my IUI. Each time, the donor count has been so low. 4mm with this last batch. Just too low to have hope. For some people, the BFN hurts the most. I guess for me, I get a feeling earlier on and come to terms with it before the actual BFN. That helps me not crash too hard after the TWW.

The hope I have is that I'm taking a month off to get another shg, and see if they can treat all the cysts and polyp-like growths I'm experiencing. Another ray of hope is that we'll get a new donor. Maybe this time with better counts, so I will actually have a real chance. The last hope is that I will now be asking for two IUIs per cycle, and I will dictate the times - not my RE. I've learned that the only advocate for my TTC journey is me.

We are setting up consultations with two additional fertility clinics: Nova IVF and Portola Valley Women's Health. I want to learn their style, express my pains with current RE, and see if their style offers more individualized monitoring and treatment. If so, we will seriously consider switching.

And now for the lighter side. We leave for SoCal tomorrow morning (with the dog in tow, of course). I'm taking Becky to Geisha House restaurant in Hollywood, which has the best sushi and sake you've ever tasted.

AND....(Shawn!).....I can finally have that beer in my fridge. All of us TTC should lift our glasses on Labor Day. I guess it's our Anti Labor Day. But cheers to everyone who's been through labor recently, those who are soon going through labor, and to the rest of us who are praying to experience labor someday. :) Cheers!

Pictures from Lake Tahoe

We had a good time! I didn't include many pics of me, since I'm all bloated out on progesterone. :)

I am the Decider! :)

It's decided. I am taking next month off. I feel a huge sense of relief, actually.

I left my RE's assistant 2 urgent voicemails today, saying I need to talk to my RE. No one called me back all day!!! I called again just now and demanded a live person be tracked down. I was then told my RE was out of office that day, so I spoke to her admin. I explained my situation - and that I have 48 hours to make a decision, since I go out of town on Thursday. The admin said I will need to come in sometime between days 6-12 for another SHG. She said I didn't need any other testing, since my bloodwork was only 6 months old. She did agree, after I had a mini fit, to ask the RE tomorrow if she recommends any other testing. We left it at that.

So I have the next 4+ weeks off. No worries about scheduling, no worries about missing work or squeezing in as many drinking events as possible in a 12 day period. In fact, the label you see above is a beer i bought last night, and it's sitting in my fridge. i get my official bloodtest results (aka BFN) back Wednesday, and plan on drinking soon after.

They will run another SHG, and try to figure out what this growth is in my uterus. it's been showing up for 6+ months, even in my last SHG. I hope they can figure out what it is. Worst come to worst, maybe they can surgically go in and look at it. I just want it taken care of, even if it takes 2 months, including surgery.

I still promise to upload my tahoe pics soon! there are some really cute ones. usually when we go on vacation we end up taking a bazillion photos of our Shih Tzu, and like, 2 of us. Clearly, it's obvious who the baby in the family is. :)

While I'm on TTC haitus, I should probably schedule a teeth cleaning. It's been a while.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful posts, I read them over and over, and they help me through the rough patches. I don't know what I'd do without this supportive community. Just two more days till I can drink my beer!
xoxos

Back from Tahoe

Made it back, safe and sound. I'll try to get some pics uploaded this week. We head out again Thursday for a long weekend in LA, to see our families. (And shhh, I secretly want to drive around and look for celebrities. How lame, I know) :)

I'm still spotting, I can tell my period is bulldozing its way through my progesterone. I even took a second pill this morning, but it's too late. Now I sit here like a lame duck, waiting for Wednesday's superduperinyourface BFN.

Not to sound dramatic, and maybe it's the second progesterone pill I took - but I really feel like crying right now. I'm convinced I'm some barren wasteland with a crap uterus. What's worse, is that I don't feel my RE has taken my TTC pursuit seriously. They've taken no cares to have various tests done, or to help optimize my IUI timing. It's like they only get excited about IVF patients, and I'm just one of "those people" that come in every month, pay my $$$ copays, and keep their electricity bills paid.

I want to cry SO bad right now - my eyes are welling up as I speak. How can only 4 months of trying make me feel so absolutely lost, a failure, and cursed to infertility?

Now I have yet another conundrum. The moment I stop my progesterone, my period will start. If I am going to try again next cycle, I need to decide now because I'll want to go on Clomid. Since we're out of town for the first half of my cycle, I'd need to go in like....tomorrow or Tuesday, for an appt to get the Clomid prescribed.

But we're not sure we want to go through another cycle. Perhaps I need to take a month off, and ensure my RE does every test possible to ensure my body is working and ovulating properly? I really don't know what to do.

All I can think right now is that I want to cry. :'(

Yeah. I'm gonna go ahead and say "BFN."

Hey guys

We're still in Tahoe - we've had a fantastic time! I'll upload pics when we get home. Thanks to all of you for your comments to my last post. I appreciate all of them very much. Well....I'm about 99% certain that the spotting I'm seeing is period spotting. It hasn't stopped in 3 days. By tomorrow, I will at least need a panty liner. :(

I guess there's the remote chance that it's increasing-in-flow, exactly-like-period, 3-days-and-still-going-strong implantation spotting. My guess is it's my period trying to start tomorrow (according to my regular cycle), and the fact that, this month, I'm on 100mg of progesterone, instead of my usual 200mg.

Becky and I are going to make an appt with a new facility, just to learn more about them, their style, their fees, etc. I just don't feel like I've had enough testing done, and my RE is too casual - just waves everything off. She keeps telling me I should keep doing IUI after IUI for another 5 years before I try something else. Clearly, she is crazy if she thinks I'll wait that long.

Inside, I'm a little sad. It's been 4 tries, and no success. My family all gets pregnant on the first try. I know I'm statstically on track for IUI success/lack of success, but I can't help but think there's something wrong. Something is wrong with my body - maybe it's my possibly polyp, or the fact that my uterus folds backwards, or maybe the lining isn't good. Maybe my eggs aren't good. Or maybe I'm not ovulating. My doc hasn't done one test to confirm any of these. I just can't keep paying $1,500 - $2,000 a month, only to get bloated on progesterone and gain 5 new pounds each month.

Speaking of the big P.....now that my period is starting, it really bugs that I have to take P for another 4 days!!! I don't get my results back till Wednesday, which is 16DPIUI. Grrr, I am so mad. I share the same frustration and sorrow that many of you readers have - with this TTC experience. hugs all around!

WTF! (hear me out, please. I need your opinion!)

I think I hate my RE now. They don't test me enough, and now they don't adequately medicate me. I've been on 200mg of progesterone since I started TTC, and I've never had my usual spotting 7 days prior to my period. Things in that department were working great.

So my new RE (same facility) wrote me a prescription this month for 100mg. I confronted her about it and said my old doc was actually giving me 200mg. She waved me off with a "pfft" - and said "it (dosage amount) doesn't even matter." I should have stood up for myself.

Well today I am 10DPIUI. We are in Tahoe, supposed to be having a vacation. I'm only 10 days in, and I'm F*CKING SPOTTING. So if there was any chance for a baby, it's gone now thanks to that careless woman. I am SO MAD.

Not only will I be sharing this story with her, but we're going to start looking at a new facility. Ours is supposed to be the best in the Bay Area, but I've been really disappointed with their overall care. I'd like to compare them to other places now.

On a side note...for all of you bummed that I haven't been obsessing over the TWW.... this did make me obsess a little. Of course, when I saw reddish-pink blood on my toilet paper, I thought maybe it's that 1% chance I'm pregnant. But isn't implantation spotting usually brown? this was definitely red/pink. Other than that, just a few normal twinges in the uterus. No biggie - I've had this every month with a BFN. I noticed today my left boob has had about 10 shooting pains in it. My bbs are not sore AT ALL, if you grab them. (Which I do every 10 minutes) It's literally like a little jolt that shoots through the back of my boob, almost near my ribcage. Did any of you ever experience this?

Anyway, my wireless card has zero bars, so I don't know if this will even post. I am just so upset today. This is usually when I start spotting, so seeing the 'familiar face of Aunt Flo' has me pretty bummed, and mad at my RE.

What should I do about the RE? For those of you who are preg, what did your implanation spotting look like? And did you ever have weird pains in the back of your bbs, but your bbs themselves didn't feel sore, or hurt to touch? Friggin a, I am a confused woman right now...

Halfway through 16 Day Wait

I have one more company event tonight, then we leave for Lake Tahoe! Hopefully it will help the next 4 days pass quickly. I get final results back on Wednesday.

I'm about 9DPIUI......and not one single, solitairy symptom. Not even if I try to create one in my head. This is the most anti-symptom TWW I've had yet.

Well, just another week until I can drink! In the meantime, we have Tahoe, KT Tunstall concert in Reno, some gambling, and some laying at the beach. :)

Day 6 of 16 Day Wait

I know a lot of you miss my usual spastic TWW banter. haha. :) I kind of do, too. I'm sure that future cycles will bring that behavior back. Early on, I decided not to lose any sleep over this TWW. I've actually been enjoying myself a lot! The hard part is the lack of booze. And the fact that this Wednesday I'm attending a Beer & Oysters night in San Francisco. It will be very awkward being the only person in a small group not drinking beer or eating oysters. Really have no idea how I will lie my way out of this one.

I've had a few boob aches here and there, but they didn't phase me. I had the same thing last cycle. It's due to my lingering HCG shot and progesterone. Speaking of the devil, I truly hate progesterone. Truly and deeply. I've only been on it for a few days, and my stomach is already sticking out as far as our "6-month belly shot" fellow bloggers. Those of you on this "demon drug" know what I mean. So much weight gain, so much lethargy. The weight doesn't come off, either. It fuses to last month's fat buildup.

Soon I will be entering the second half of this wait. Hopefully I will continue with no googling or curiosity of symptoms. No symptoms to speak of yet, anyway. To help pass the time, I have exciting news! Becks and I are taking Thurs-Friday off work, and going to Lake Tahoe! We will be there for 4 days, with the puppy. Staying near the beach, we'll hit the casinos...and the best part, we will be seeing KT Tunstall live in Reno! We got 9th row back, which is awesome. By the time we get back, it will be 3 days till results are in. I can handle that!

Wishing all of you the best this week...and now it's time for my bedtime reading: all your blogs. :)

Just kidding, it's a 16 day wait

Here, I thought it was a 15 day wait! I redid the math....IUI #1 on Monday, and IUI#2 on Tuesday....but I don't get results until 2 weeks later on a WEDNESDAY. So...16 days.

But you know what. I'm 4 days in, and haven't once googled anything. I'm even forgetting to keep up with fertilityfriend.com. I am totally not obsessing this time, which is very nice. I think I've just resigned to a 1% or less chance. I'm even taking my hardcore migraine meds daily....due to some really bad headaches. I just don't feel that I have anything to lose. I'm drinking coffee every day. Now just wait, this time I WILL be pregnant, eh.

I hope this calmness lasts the entire time. The last few tries, I have had every pregnancy symptom known (and unknown). And they still amounted to a negative, so I have no compass anymore. No compass to tell me what's a sign versus not a sign.

12 more days to go - here's hoping they are a breeze!

15 Day Wait

So this month it's a 15 Day Wait, or 15DW. :) I had IUI#1 on Monday, IUI#2 on Tuesday. I have to come back on a Tuesday for the bloodwork. Also, my RE added $40 to the cost for labwork!! (And don't accept my insurance for labwork, so it's out of pocket)

They recommended I go a nearby lab, where they accept Aetna. Problem is - it takes them 24 hours to run the bloodwork and give my RE the results. So instead of getting results on Tuesday, I have to wait yet another day to Wednesday. Grrrr.

This all means extra days of progesterone, too.

I found out today my sister is having a girl. I half joked to Becky, "Well there goes our chances for my mom to care about our kid." My sister has only had boys so far, and my mom made it obvious she prefers a girl grandkid. Now my sister will be delivering the first girl grandchild, leaving us with no hope for grandmotherly love. ;-) We wanted to be the first!

Some of you recall the hurtful things my sister has said to me in the past. Today was another interesting one. I was telling her how I've made a really good friend at work. I've missed having a best friend, it's been years. We hired this girl (some straight, republican catholic, go figure) - but we get along like two old friends. I was explaining how having a friend is therapy for the TTC crap I'm going through.

My sister butts in and says she feels it's inappropriate for lesbians to have best friends (that are women). She said it's like her being best friends with a man, when she's married to another man. Sigh. She just doesn't get it. She thinks since I'm gay, it means I will want to jump every woman's bones, and that it's impossible for me to have a girl-friend, whether she be straight or gay. I was moderately frustrated, since I connect that thinking to the idea that "if gays can marry, next they will want to marry dogs."

So to all who doubt (attn: sister!), I am here to say - yes, I can have a good friend who is a girl. A straight, Republican, Catholic (but SUPER gay friendly) girl. It does not mean I will be puttin the MOVES on her and trying to jump her bones. I will not be fatally attracted to her simply because she's a woman and I am gay. We can be friends. PS - She's voting against the marriage ban in CA, which is awesome.

I'm 3 days into my 15DW...so far not a care in the world about the symptoms. I'm still taking my headache meds. There is less than 1% chance this month. With some confidence, I can say it's likely I'll go most of this 15DW without stressing/obsessing at all. :) What a relief, for once!

12mm

Well what a shocker. We went in this morning for IUI #2. It was 48 hours post trigger. Yeah, on the late side.

Bear in mind that this donor's vials have been super low - every time. 4mm, 5mm, 6mm...

Doc comes in and says, "Today's count is 12 million!" FIGURES! ha! The IUI we do wayy to late is the one high count vial we get. I still have very little, if any, faith for this cycle. 48 hours post trigger is probably just too late. I think I ovulated around 36 hours post trigger. (My doc says an egg will live 24 hours, but after 4-6 hours it begins to decay...and it's hard from there to get preggers)

Well, the deed is done. Now we just wait a few weeks to get the results. I'm not betting on this cycle at all, so perhaps this negative will be easier to swallow.

Frustrating

I am so frustrated. It's getting harder and harder to sneak out of work for IUIs. I had my IUI today at noon, which was 28 hours post trigger shot.

I had unbelievable "sickies" for hours before my appt. My body gets so nervous for IUI's - let's just say I'm in the bathroom all morning.

My RE comes into the room and the first thing she says is, "I have bad news." "What's wrong?" "The count this time is only 4mm." I was devastated. This is the 4th vial in a row below the 10mm minimum. The last few vials have been 6mm, 5mm, and now 4mm.

She did the IUI, and I just felt defeated. Utterly defeated. I hate this donor...or I hate my cryobank for their shoddy freezing process. I looked at Becky after the IUI, and couldn't help but say, "Well that was a waste of $1,500. There is no chance this cycle will work."

Honestly, I know it's better to be optimistic. But 4mm? Even my doctor almost didn't want to even do the IUI. This is ridiculous. I have IUI #2 tomorrow at 8am, which is 48 hours post trigger. Too late? Who knows.

I'm kind of fed up right now. We haven't had one decent chance to get pregnant, and this is our worst odds ever. We called Fairfax from the room, and they said our doctor would need to call them. So we talked to our doctor, and they said they don't normally call, and that Farifax needs to send them paperwork. We went back and forth, with both sides trying to pass the buck.

Finally, we got the lab to agree to call Fairfax this week. If they don't call within 5 days, we don't get a refund. We also called Fairfax and complained about this donor. We still have 3 vials left, and I want them to buy them back at 100%. They said no. We have to have our doctor file a formal complaint against the sperm. Maybe then will my bank consider a solution. Yeah right.

Bad sperm, bad IUI timing(?), lots of lost money, another TWW that amounts to nothing but painful sobriety and migraines with no meds.

It's time for a new donor. Assuming this cycle is bunk, I'm going to get another SHG and see if they can figure out/remove the polyp. Then it's new donor and Clomid.

I suppose since I have ABSOLUTELY no hope for this cycle, I won't stress as much with googling symptoms. I already had my migraine meds today, 5 hours after my IUI. I honestly don't even care anymore - there's no hope for this month, as far as I'm concerned. :(

Note: If any of you are using Fairfax Cryobank and choosing donors, feel free to email me if you want to know our donor #. (I would avoid him at all costs!) My email: cpeterson at hotmail dot com.

I should be more specific next time....

...when I wish for no cysts. I should also wish for no goddamn uterine polyps. Yes my friends, my "possible" uterine polyp has reared its ugly head again.

So I had my ultrasound today. I think this is Day 11, not 12. My period was funky. Anyway, no cysts. Yay! But she did see this "weird thing that I'm concerned about" - what looks like a possible uterine polyp. She said it could also be extra progesterone, whatever that means. She isn't 100% convinced it's a polyp - she looked back at my last SHG, and it appeared then, too. It hasn't grown in 6 months, so who knows.

She still recommends I move forward this cycle. She said if I don't get pregnant this cycle, I should have another SHG, and possibly other tests. And possibly surgery to remove the polyp. I asked, "What happens if this is, actually, a polyp?" She said it will make it much harder to get pregnant, and if I do, it raises the likelihood of a miscarriage. God, what's worse. Skipping a month, or trying, getting pregnant, and then losing the baby. I know most of you say #2 is worse. Here's the deal: I just shipped out 2 vials. My bank only guarantees them for 30 days after shipping. If I skip this month, I lose my guarantee, and we KNOW my donor is always WAY below minimum.

I'm just gonna do it. She recommended two IUIs this time, with the trigger shot. So my first IUI is Monday at noon. My second one is Tuesday at 8am. I have no focking clue if the timing is good or not, but it's all I could get.

So f*ck. F*ck f*k f*ck. I just want a f*cking normal cycle. I want an ultrasound that ends with "everything looks great! let's do your IUI on Monday." I keep getting one setback and physical abnormality after the next. I literally walked out of their office today feeling so defeated. Part of me wanted to say I give up! I just give up - clearly, I am never going to get pregnant, my body is old and my eggs and uterus are effed up, and this is God and all rightwing religious fanatics telling me gays like me aren't meant to have babies.

I'm being dramatic.

I'm just tired of the constant battle with my own body. And the f*cking progesterone making me gain 5 pounds a month, and the absolute struggle it is mentally, physically, and financially. I just don't know what to do. I can't give up, but I want to give up. But....I can't give up, I just can't. I want a child too badly.

Bad girl

Yes, I have been very bad at blogging this week. Ooops. :)
I always feel like there isn't much to report during the off-TWW. You know, the TWW where you basically get your period, then wait for ovulation. That TWW always seems to fly by for me.

I've been trying to make the most of the anti-TWW. I've been boozing, eating sandwiches, and working out like Madonna. (Puffer said it best, there) I've been taking an intense boxing class 2x week. I really love it, and it feels good to get a hard workout. I'm actually a little sad that I can't take the class anymore...or until I get an unfortunate negative on the HPT.

I go in for my ultrasound tomorrow. We had two vials shipped out this week, and plan to use both using one IUI. I am a little worried that I have a cyst again. I had a sharp pain in my right ovary the other day, then had weird spotting two days after that. Sigh.

Well, here's hoping this cycle works! I'll keep you posted, hopefully no cysts discovered tomorrow. :)

I'm Back!

Hey guys - I am finally back from Seattle. I kept up with your blogs, but wasn't able to update mine until now. It was a jam-packed week of business meetings and events, and it's good to be home.
I'm doing ok - we go in this Friday for the mid cycle ultrasound, then possibly next IUI on Sunday or Monday. It's definitely getting harder to start each cycle over. The progesterone has caused me to gain a LOT of weight, so right now it feels good to workout, take boxing classes, etc. Just when I get into the swing of things, I get my IUI and have to all but halt my activities. Puffer had such a great post last week, about 'working out like Madonna.' It's so true!

This cycle we will be using two vials. Our donor has consistently been sub minimal - with ranges of 6MM to 8.9MM counts. We reported this to our sperm bank, but they only guarantee vials up to 30 days after they leave their facilities. (We've had these out here for many months now)

Five vials left. This cycle = 2 vials, one IUI. Next cycle = clomid and two vials. I'm worried about using clomid; I will totally be the next Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

One last thought: I've found that since we started TTC, it's changed my time/space continuum. Suddenly, my entire existence is based on waiting. Waiting for mini-milestone dates to appear. Waiting to start my period, waiting to start ovulation testing, waiting for my ultrasound, waiting to perform my HCG trigger at the right time, waiting for my IUI appointment, waiting those agonizing two weeks, waiting for my pregnancy test....inevitably getting a negative, and then waiting to start my period again.

I'm having a hard time just living life, and living in the moment. I'm constantly just longing for my next mini milestone, and impatiently counting the hours.