...when I wish for no cysts. I should also wish for no goddamn uterine polyps. Yes my friends, my "possible" uterine polyp has reared its ugly head again.
So I had my ultrasound today. I think this is Day 11, not 12. My period was funky. Anyway, no cysts. Yay! But she did see this "weird thing that I'm concerned about" - what looks like a possible uterine polyp. She said it could also be extra progesterone, whatever that means. She isn't 100% convinced it's a polyp - she looked back at my last SHG, and it appeared then, too. It hasn't grown in 6 months, so who knows.
She still recommends I move forward this cycle. She said if I don't get pregnant this cycle, I should have another SHG, and possibly other tests. And possibly surgery to remove the polyp. I asked, "What happens if this is, actually, a polyp?" She said it will make it much harder to get pregnant, and if I do, it raises the likelihood of a miscarriage. God, what's worse. Skipping a month, or trying, getting pregnant, and then losing the baby. I know most of you say #2 is worse. Here's the deal: I just shipped out 2 vials. My bank only guarantees them for 30 days after shipping. If I skip this month, I lose my guarantee, and we KNOW my donor is always WAY below minimum.
I'm just gonna do it. She recommended two IUIs this time, with the trigger shot. So my first IUI is Monday at noon. My second one is Tuesday at 8am. I have no focking clue if the timing is good or not, but it's all I could get.
So f*ck. F*ck f*k f*ck. I just want a f*cking normal cycle. I want an ultrasound that ends with "everything looks great! let's do your IUI on Monday." I keep getting one setback and physical abnormality after the next. I literally walked out of their office today feeling so defeated. Part of me wanted to say I give up! I just give up - clearly, I am never going to get pregnant, my body is old and my eggs and uterus are effed up, and this is God and all rightwing religious fanatics telling me gays like me aren't meant to have babies.
I'm being dramatic.
I'm just tired of the constant battle with my own body. And the f*cking progesterone making me gain 5 pounds a month, and the absolute struggle it is mentally, physically, and financially. I just don't know what to do. I can't give up, but I want to give up. But....I can't give up, I just can't. I want a child too badly.
Friday, August 8, 2008
I should be more specific next time....
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4 comments:
Ugh. That sucks so, so much. I really hope it's nothing, for your sake. I ended up being out TWO cycles, because my doctor made me do a saline sono to confirm it was still there, and wait another cycle to do the surgery. And it sucks. An AWFUL lot.
But on the other hand, I feel like I have a reason for why I haven't been getting pregnant, and it feels like this next cycle will be a fresh new start.
*hugs*
Regardless of what happens, I hope it's what's best for you.
i'm happy you are going through with this cycle. i feel like if you didn't, you would have regrets of not doing so.
we can only take life one little peice at a time. we don't know the future, and we can't predict it. in matters like this, live for the moment and do what feels right at that time.
i'm wishing you the best!
oh, i'm so sorry for the maybe polyp. i totally support going ahead with this cycle, though. you never know. you just never know. and sometimes i think we try to know too much. most straight women in your position would never have had a look inside their uterus yet. so go for it! hugs.
Ugh....I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I think it's great that you're going ahead with the cycle though.....and I'm hoping you have very good news soon. xo
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