Counting our Blessings

I almost didn't want to share this story because it's so sad, and I certainly didn't want to scare any preggo women out there....but it definitely made us count our blessings.

I have a coworker, who has also been a great friend and mentor to me. She struggled to get pregnant for many years, and even did two rounds of IVF with St@nford. No luck. she switched to the doctor we ended up using, and because of his exhaustive testing, he found she had elevated NK cells, treated her, and she got pregnant!

She recommended that doctor to me, and I fully believe that's the reason I got, and am still pregnant. My friend has coached me through all the phases of pregnancy, as she got excited for her own baby girl to be born.

She was scheduled to deliver via c-section at 7am on Thursday. Two hours before her appt, something felt terribly wrong. They were rushed to the hospital. The most unbelievable tragedy happened, that makes me sick to my stomach and cry each time I recount it.

The umbilical cord had detached from the placenta, for no known reason. Because of that, the baby's heart stopped beating minutes later, and their little girl died in utero. TWO EFFING HOURS before she would have been born, and would have been just fine. Two hours separated this girl from life and death, and separated my friend from motherhood and ultimate tragedy.

I cried that whole day at work, when I found out. It's just beyond tragic, unfair, and my heart has been so very heavy the last few days. As you can imagine, they are devastated, and don't know if/how they will recover. If you feel inclined, please send any healing thoughts their way. I am just sick to my stomach over their loss.

I researched this, and women at highest risk are those who've had IVF pregnancies and/or uerine surgeries. Hello, I've had both! There is a 10x higher chance of vasa previa happening. The good news is, there is a color doppler scan they do somewhere around 26 weeks, which can detect if you are at risk. With this scan for detection, infant survival is about 100%! They generally do c-section at 35 weeks. For any of you who've gotten pregnant with IVF, I'd encourage us all to ask our OB's to give us these scans. They are not routine, so we'll need to be pushy and demand them. It could save our babies' lives.

Response #2 is in

Well just when I'd given up hope, my mom wrote. I was starting to get upset, it was 1:30pm. I mean come on, right? Aren't moms supposed to congratulate you right away? (Not my mom)

I think my sister put the fear of God in her, and warned her to be nice this time. My mom's email was, indeed, nice. Was it sincere? I don't think so, but I'll take fake nice over honest mean right now.

She even went so far as to say this child is a special gift from our Heavenly Father. Umm, is she feeling ok? Well i guess this means we will still plan to visit her during our Thanksgiving trip to LA. She also mentioned that when she was pregnant with me, all she ate was hot dogs and runny egg yolks. Umm, pretty sure those are two foods on the banned list. I should tell her the runny yolks are why I'm gay. ;-)

Well at least the cat's out of the bag. I think in 3 more weeks we'll probably announce it more broadly on F@cebook.

Response #1 is in

I very reluctantly sent my mom and sister the big announcement via email last night.

My sister wrote back this morning. She was nice, happy for us. She was upset that I didn't tell her sooner. I can see that, she always told me right away. Still, I can't expect her to understand the weight of the issue for us. All the scares, the early loss of Twin B.....it never eased up long enough to feel confident telling people. I guess she'll be mad at me for a while, but what can I do, right?

Still waiting to hear from my mom. Bleh

=== Update: It's now almost 1pm PDT. Still no email or call from mom. I know she checks her email all day long, and I saw her as "active" on F@cebook earlier today. What's funny - as soon as she finds out one of my cousins is pregnant, she spams me and my sister, all excited, about the good news. Of course, when it's her own daughter, it's a different story. Sigh.

Got my seasonal flu shot!

Got in line at 9am today, was the first to get it - at the LAST place in a 30 mile radius who carried them. They had 40 left this morning, and said 100+ people get getting in line each day. So by now, they are probably permanently out. Lucky I happened to think about all this last night!

Also, tell me if you think this is shady. My company recently changed it's maternity leave policy. Now, if your doc puts you on disability for a few weeks/months before you're due, my company counts that as maternity leave. So some women who unfortunately were put on bedrest, are coming back to work 2 months after their baby is born. (Our policy is 4 months maternity here, which is nice, but not so much if it counts early!)

Now Im scared about missing any work before baby is due! I'll have to hope I can work up until my water breaks...and I hope it breaks all over their new carpeting. :)

15w2d - OB appt and flu shot

Today started out rough. Long story short, they are changing our roles at work, to where they are making us all sales reps. I don't want to be a sales rep! AND I will also be supporting this rep who has a horrible reputation. She's a total "b" - very rude, aggressive, abusive, etc. And guess who gets to support her business? THIS girl. My job is about to get really bad, really fast. I can't exactly leave right now. I will try to find a new job within the company when I return from maternity leave. Until then, it's going to be a truly miserable experience.

The day ended on a better note. I had my OB appt. I only gained 2lbs in the last month! Everything checked out great. I was a little concerned that the hb seems to be decreasing rapidly each week. (3 weeks ago the hb was 160, 2 weeks ago it was 150, this week it's 135) If it drops much more, it will be in the danger zone. My OB thinks this is all normal and isn't concerned. (She is never concerned about anything, I've found. Even horrible cramping with bleeding!)

She recommended I get the seasonal flu shot asap. I had NO idea that they stopped manufacturing it! My OB's office is out, every CVS and Walgreens is out, every Target is out, almost every Safeway is out. I called tons of places, and no one has anymore - and NO MORE are being made this season!!!!! I finally found one pharmacy, in a 50 mile radius, that still has a few in stock. They wouldnt let me come in tonight, since the line was already super long. I will be there at 9am tomorrow, and pray that they have one dose left for me. If they don't, I won't be able to get the flu shot.

I decided to get the H1N1 vaccine. I am very torn on it still....but given the possibility that I may not even get a seasonal flu shot, I'm getting very nervous now. My OB should have some in in a few weeks. I think I will get it....I had previously decided not to. PLus they say in CA, 1 in 4 people are expected to get H1N1 this winter. It will be very rampant in these parts.

Telling my mom and sister this week

So we decided, assuming our OB appt goes well tomorrow, we will tell our families about the pregnancy. I've been putting this off for a while.

My mom is hardcore Mormon, and 1-2 years ago told me how it's sin to have a kid, it's child abuse, she won't love our kid like she loves her other grandkids, etc. My mom acts so sweet on one hand, but then will say the most cruel things. I haven't mentioned the TTC journey to her since that day.

My sister, also Mormon, shares some of my mom's beliefs, but has the courtesy not to say it to me. She once said, "Well, you know how I feel about this, but that's all I'm going to say."

I wish I had a family where I could make some super cute announcement, and they'd all light up and clap and hug me. The reality is, they will probably be civil and say congrats, but I know inside they will be dying and will pray for my sins.

How did you all tell your families, the ones who weren't supportive? I think I will simply email them and attach a photo of the baby. Maybe I'll say something like "Someone wants to say hi." Still, they do NOT deserve a cutesy announcement. I'm not going to kid myself into thinking it will be some joyous moment for them.

Email it is.

Eventful trip to Seattle!

We just got home from Seattle. Oh my, what an eventful trip. The highlight was me fainting twice in the Pike Place Public Market, in front of 100 people.

We were walking around, and I suddenly got profusely sweaty and clammy. The next thing I knew, my eyesight started getting black splotches in it - my 3 second warning that I'm going to faint. I put my hands on Becky and said "I'm passing out!" The next thing I knew, I was on the ground. Apparently, I completely fainted and Becky held my weight up, slowly lowering me to the ground. It was so confusing and scary.

I've felt so weird the past few days. I've had that on and off bad cramping - like super bad period cramps. I've had that weird spotting...now it's mostly yellow/orange. Again, weird. And then I've had on/off bouts of diahrrea. I called my OB, and they recommended I go to the ER to get checked out.

The ER was actually pleasant. they took my vitals, did an EKG - everything looked great. I did show anemia, and possibly slight dehydration. They checked the baby - world's longest ultrasound scan - and baby was totally fine. Moving around a LOT!

I've been a bit off the last few days since then. While at my friend's wedding that night, I almost fainted again, so B took me back to the hotel. Yesterday we were about to walk around a bit, but I definitely felt tired, kept having diahrrea, and felt very off. Today I am feeling a ton better.

I'm so grateful Becky was there to catch me - I can only imagine what would have happened if I'd fallen on my stomach...on hard cement. Let's hope that was the last fainting spell for a while!

And now for some pictures. Here's some of us at this beautiful area called the Ballard Locks. Also, a picture of Becky at the Crab Pot - she had been dying to go there and get the tub o' seafood. :) Last but not least, a pic of our bubbie at 14w4d! (The one benefit of a trip to the ER is a scan! The technician took this pic of baby and called him/her "The Thinker." LOL

Seattle update!

Quick update since Im blogging from iPhone. We r in rainy Seattle for a friends wedding today. Yesterdays spotting stopped within 10 min. The cramping continued for 5 long hours. Maybe it was all stretching. I did also have hours of round ligament pain. Holy horse hooves! That shit is so painful! Hours and hours. I am feeling it again this morning. Wow. I wonder how long it lasts.
Anywhoo. I used my Doppler last night and found babys hb right away so I'll have faith that all is well in there.
In more good news our good friends just went into labor today! Baby Caiden will be here soon!
***update: bummer! I just had that spotting again today. What gives? :(. I know spotting is pretty normal but I still don't like it. I know 3 pol who had m/c at 14 weeks and that's been haunting me. I just want the cramping and bleeding to stop today so I can enjoy the wedding.

Spotting. Meh.

So I board a plane in 3 hours, and won't be back till Sunday. Of ALL days, today I started cramping and spotting (red) at the same time. The cramping isn't horrible, but definitely quite sharp. Mostly on the left side.

I noticed going to the bathroom I was spotting red. It wasn't bright red, but red tinge all over the toilet paper.

Could be nothing, I'm not freaked out. Luckily I pulled out the doppler, and after a scare of not finding the hb for 5 long minutes, I finally found it beating strong at 150bpm.

I just hope that means all is ok. My doc is going to call me back soon - she may want me to come in for a check before my flight.

I know spotting red happens all the time, and the baby is usually fine. But seriously, of all the days for this to happen...I'm about to board a flight for a wedding tomorrow!

Please send all the "no more spotting" vibes you can, and that this kid keeps on truckin'!

H1N1 vaccine?

I am truly, truly torn on this one. I will probably get the seasonal flu vaccine in the next week or so. The H1N1 has me on the fence. I'm not confident that it's been tested enough, we don't know how babies will turn out (short and longterm), and it feels so rushed to market.

Some doctors absolutely refuse to get the vaccine, or to give it to their families. They say it's full of toxins and could be very dangerous. Other doctors think it's a must.

I don't know what to do! Some say swine flu is overblown, it's not that bad, and the vaccine could pose a bigger threat than even getting the swine flu. They say this is all the CDC and politicians and drug companies trying to create a big scare and make money.

You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Get the vaccine, risk unknown dangers of a rushed-to-market drug, with unknown effects on a fetus. Don't get the vaccine, and risk serious complications or death from catching swine flu.

I saw this article, and now it's scared me into reconsidering getting the vaccine:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20pregnant.html?_r=1

What are you all doing? I guess I better decide soon.

Ow. Cramps.

Second trimester is off with a bang! I woke up feeling sicker than ever - somehow my morning sickness is kicking into high gear lately. I knew I hit a low point when I puked into my hand, getting out of bed. I look pretty pale today, to say the least.

What's really tough is that I've had very painful cramps all morning. I've been 'blocked up' the last day or so, which is funny since I'd just bragged about how regular I've been. :) I only took a C0lace, which is super gentle. But today I am having horrible cramps for hours, and have had "D" several times. I feel like a cat's ass right now, and may go home from work early.

Of course, this bad cramping makes me a little nervous about peanut...so all I want to do is go home and use my doppler. Seriously, how did I ever live without a doppler, iphone, or automatic car windows?

14w0d - Hellooooooooo Second Trimester!

Here's a belly shot from 2 days ago. As you can see, I'm wearing my first pair of 0ld Navy maternity pants! My one issue with maternity pants - they are all so low-rise. If I even start to bend over, or sit down, the back goes down so far you can see half of my tush. Anyhoo, it's exciting to be in the second trimester.

PS - I'm pretty sure I've discovered a new pregnancy symptom called "Pregnancy-Induced Bipolar Disorder." Since I got preggo, I'm either happy as butterflies and sunshine, or I'm spazzing out. Any little fear, and I go to that dark place. But as soon as I get reassurance, I'm super happy. LOL. I must say, that doppler was the best $100 I ever spent. Sometimes it's hard to find the hb, or we can't find it at all....but eventually later in the day we do. I've had a horrible migraine, and it got SO bad that last night I finally had to take a Tyl3nol w/codeine. I was so worried about peanut. I used the doppler this morning - no hb found at all. I stayed pretty calm (amazing, right!). I took a shower, drank some juice, and tried again a few hours later. Boom - right away, strong hb at 153 bpm. Yay baby!

Knowing that baby and I made it through a hellish night with a migraine, and that it survived my medication - makes me love this kid even more. I could not be prouder of our little trooper. <3 <3

What they tell you (and don't tell you) about pregnancy

Thought I'd make a list of everything I've noticed since I got pregnant. Feel free to add your own!

The Lovely Side of Pregnancy:
1) Thicker hair
2) Thicker nails, and they grow faster
3) My endometriosis is quiet
4) Hearing the hb on the doppler or seeing it move on the screen
5) No periods!
6) Feeling my belly get bigger and harder. Why is the area above my belly button hard? Anyone? Bueller?
7) I have a lovely wife who cooks many of my meals and has been great to us.
8) Getting to indulge a little, now and then. If all I can stomach is a hamburger, baby's getting a hamburger. :)
9) Pregnant women everywhere will hate me for saying this, but I've never been so regular in my whole life! I used to have bad constipation issues, and since I got pregnant, I have a very satisfying visit to the bathroom every single morning. *knock on wood*
10) The first time you try on maternity jeans. Ahhhhhhhhh. Comfort zone, to the max.
11) The first time they start doing tummy ultrasounds. Yay, no more magic vag wand!


The Funnier Side of Pregnancy:
1) Your cooch becomes a hand lotion dispenser (please don't make me elaborate!)
2) Hair is thicker, but coarser
3) Zits! BIG fat ones.
4) Your body hair doesn't fall out, so I get insane peach fuzz. I feel like Teen Wolf. I also get 50 new eyebrow hairs to pluck every day. They grow right back. My belly is all fuzzy, too. I'm seriously either Teen Wolf or a hobbit.
5) I can finally see inside my belly button. It's getting pushed out. So that's what it looks like!
6) Flakey nips. Dry skin leads to flakey nips for me. It's so embarrassing.
7) Big blue veins all over my tatas
8) With all the hair growth, my nose hairs have grown fast and furious. I feel like a grandpa.
9) Your eating tastes change. I have an aversion to beef now, and lots of foods I normally LOVE never sound good. What sounds good now is picked beets, chips and spicy salsa, etc. Food tastes bland when pregnant, so I need my food to be spicy!
10) Pee is more yellow, and smells funny.
11) How do I say this.....your digestive system relaxes. I'm always burping at work, and tooting. I toot all day long. It's come out in front of coworkers, but I normally try the "crop dusting" technique. It's actually really hard to hold it in, for some reason!
12) Crying. Everything makes me cry. Everything.


The Not so Fun Side of Pregnancy:
1) Fatigue that I can only compare to: Mono + Nyquil + Ambien + Roofie, and having to work hard at work all day. It gets so bad that my eye sockets and skull even aches.
2) Fatigue followed by insane insomnia all night
3) Dry dry DRY skin. I'm always scratching. I'm like a monkey.
4) Weight gain ALL OVER. Most of my weight gain has been in my butt and thighs. I'm pretty sure my uterus is in my right butt cheek, because that's growing the fastest. ;)
5) Huffing and puffing. Maybe it's the increased blood volume in my body so my heart's working harder...but any little effort, like walking up a small flight of stairs to our condo, and I'm out of breath for 5 minutes.
6) Dry heaving. It's mostly in the morning, on an empty stomach. Lately I've thrown up a few times at work, or while brushing my teeth.
7) I've gained 20 pounds since we started fertility meds, and another 10 pounds since I got pregnant. It's actually painful to walk in my shoes now....all that extra weight.
8) Worrying. Worrying about cramping, then worrying when you don't have cramping. Worrying about spotting, worrying about your symptoms going away, worrying because you had a bad dream. It never stops (for me, at least)
9) Working fulltime at a stressful job while pregnant and not feeling well.
10) How much I miss sushi! I miss it 100x more than anything else: oysters, wine, soft cheeses, deli meat.

Doctors, Dopplers, and Marathons. Oh my!

Wow, I sure got you all fired up yesterday with my high-risk doctor post! :) I appreciated all of your sentiments!

So here's the plan of action:
Good news, is that this was a one-time visit. He doesn't feel I'm high risk, so I won't be coming back. I won't be seeing him ever again. He felt that if my homocysteine level comes back normal, my MTHFR shouldn't pose a risk for clots. He also said that altho I tested positive for antiphospholipid antibodies, I was negative for the three strains that affect pregnancy. I don't totally believe him. Maybe he knows his stuff, maybe he's mistaken!

I've booked an appt with a hematologist at Stanford University Hospital. I see her on 11/3, and will show her all my blood results. This is the second opinion I badly need. She can tell me if I truly am at no risk for clots, or if I should continue the injections. I understand that if my blood is fine and I take Loven0x, I do risk possible placental abruption, where it detaches from the wall. So based on what this woman says, I will take her advice. if I am supposed to stop injections, I will. So excited to finally meet a real hematologist!

Doppler Fun! So my doppler arrived last night! We tested it out, and sure enough, within 30 seconds we found peanut. 154 hb. Whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh. I was like...wow, peanut is seriously IN my crotch! i didn't realize s/he was so low. Now when I need reassurance, I can use ye olde doppler.

This weekend will be fun. Becky is doing the Nike Womens Half Marathon through SF. (About an hour from where we live) We decided to stay at a hotel in SF, and bring the dog. We head up tomorrow, and guess what? We're getting sushi from my favorite sushi place on earth! I used to live in SF, and it was 3 blocks from my apartment. I miss it. They have tons of pregnant-friendly rolls. All fancy rolls there are like $4.00. Ridiculously cheap.

Snap and I will try to get up early enough on Sunday to cheer for Becky near the finish line. Then we'll grab some hamburgers at our favorite SF pub, and head home.

Looking forward to the weekend. Now if only I could shake this pregnancy fatigue. It's kicking my ass. PS - It's time for a photo post soon, eh? My posts are getting too texty. :) We'll take some pics this weekend.

13w3d - Baby is fine. High risk doc? Not so much.

Go on and say it. I am a spaz. :) We met with the high-risk clinic today for a consultation. The doctor was SO rude, and had horrible bedside manner. More on that later. He agreed to do a quick scan, bless his heart.

Baby was wiggling around, moving quite a bit. It even appeared to scratch its ass during the scan, so we MUST be having a boy. :)

The doctor looked at my clotting issues, and said I don't need to be on Lov3nox. Everyone I KNOW with these issues is on injections, yet he was casually waving off every treatment I'm getting. So in 3 weeks I'm supposed to stop. I get that he's high risk, but what makes him a thrombophilia expert? I am worried that if I stop injections, we could suffer a loss like so many others have with these issues.

He finally said, "You're costing ME money by staying on this." HUH? I asked what he meant. He asked if I had Aetna. NO, I have C1gna. He then said, "Oh, well I guess you're not costing ME money...but you're making all the Cigna subscribers pay for this."

Sorry but I dont give a flying EFF. I'm on B's insurance, so we pay $200 a month because it's a taxable benefit. We get screwed by the govt for being gay. And sorry, but I don't care if other Cigna subscribers are paying for my injections. I'm paying for their Vi@gra! And substance abuse programs. If I can pay for some guy to get a boner, he can help me pay for blood thinners.

So I feel weird about stopping my blood thinners. I've clinged to them like a lifeline. But I may have to let go.

The last thing he did that I found offensive. When he came in the room and say down, he looked at me funny and rudely asked, "So what.....are you GAY?" (He emphasized the gay) I didn't say anything. There are more polite ways of asking someone about their lifestyle. HE then goes "Or a LESBIAN?" Gee I dunno doc, take a wild guess!!! He then says, "I don't know what to call you people these days." Wow. Charming guy.
He threw in some God-talk, so I could tell he probably wasn't the most gay friendly guy around,.

SO I'm bummed that I won't get monthly growth scans now. Just the 20 week one. And I will be nervous about stopping my injections. But his one saving grace today was doing that scan - and the peace of mind knowing peanut is ok. And probably a boy. LOL.

Freaked out (I know, I'm a spaz)

Yesterday morning every single symptom, heartburn, twinge, uterine stretching, EVERYTHING stopped. I haven't had a single sensation since, and I am worried about Baby A. I've called my OB, my high risk clinic - no one will do a doppler check for me. I am truly terrified again. I've been feeling SOME stuff every day the past week, and now it's a deadly silence. Totally shut off.

Question - do you remember how often you felt uterine stretching/cramping around 13/14 weeks? Was it constant, on/off throughout the day, or was it on some days and completely off for other days?

No scan for me today :(

My OB's nurse called back. They won't let me come in for a scan or doppler today, since I just had one on Friday. They said everything is fine. Ugh. I woke up feeling complete stillness in my belly today, after days of stretching. Now I have to tell my coworkers tomorrow, without reassurance.

Did you all feel days of total stillness around 13 weeks? I mean I went from like 50 cramps a day to not a single one today. Nothing.

13 Week Belly Shot

This picture ought to do. It's pretty much how I look (and feel) this week. You'd think I was carrying the Gosselin sextuplets with how huge my belly is.

13 Weeks. Told my boss today.

Only one week left until the second trimester! My boss is gone this week, so I emailed him the update. He (and my other boss) were very supportive, and said if I need anything to let them know. My boss had a hunch I was preggo (or trying), since I'd been avoiding drinking events, and skipped the whitewater rafting offsite. It's good to know they are supportive.

I told told a coworker of mine who suffered a m/c last year. I wanted to tell her personally, before I tell the team. I'll tell my team on Wednesday.

I'll be relieved and a bit on edge, once everyone knows. Relieved that I can stop wearing baggy clothes, and making excuses for my doc appts. On edge, because once you tell people - if something happens, you have to tell them all what's up. My belly is starting to really show now, so I just couldn't hide it any longer.

Speaking of my expanding belly, we got some maternity clothes this weekend. Few pairs of pants, jeans, and a few tops. I was barely squeezing into the largest size pants they make! Maybe I need to look for plus-sized maternity clothes. I miss being a size 12.

And true to form, I continue to be a complete spaz. :) It's been three days since our scan, and I'm already back to "Is it still alive? I need reassurance!" I have the angel and devil of pregnancy on my shoulders. The devil is saying, "Something's wrong, it's not alive, and now you just told your coworkers." The angel is saying, "YOu just saw your baby 3 days ago, you're fine!"
I ordered a Hi-Bebe doppler on eb@y, which should arrive later this week. I hope I can find the hb with it, I know they can be tricky.

Oh, for any of you who are friends with me on FB - please do not post any "congrats" just yet. I'm telling some coworkers, but we will probably wait another 5 weeks to make a public (aka FB) announcement. Then it's open season. :)

Immense relief

Once again, this baby has beaten the odds! Despite blood clotting issues, natural killer cells, this kid keeps on truckin'! We decided when s/he is born, we're buying a little "Keep on trucking" shirt, and a little baby trucker hat.

Becky and I held hands before the technician came into the room. We decided no matter what happens, we will be ok. Right away, Becky saw the heartbeat once the doc started. Huge sigh #1. The baby looked great, was moving around, waving arms and kicking legs. It was so cute! I want to kiss those little leggies. :)

The nuchal measurement was 1.8mm, in the normal range. Huge sigh #2. (Of course I'd have liked a solid 1.3mm better, guess i can never be pleased. LOL) The left and right parts of the brain all looked normal, exactly what they want to see. Huge sigh #3.

My blood tests all came back negative, so my final risk assessment:
Downs 1:1500
Trisomy: 1:87,000

We like those odds! We're less inclined to do an amnio now, for sure. For those of you who did nuchal scans in your 12th week, what measurements did you have?

Oh and PS - I started crying when we heart the heartbeat for the first time. :)

I feel like we've been blessed so much to have crossed this milestone. We know this pregnancy will have several more ahead of it, but to have made this far is a miracle, and we are so happy today.

Nerves or swine flu?

On days of big appts, I get irritable bowel. There, I said it. I've gone to the bathroom at least 7x in the last 4 hours.

Something weird is going on, though - and I really don't think it's just nerves. I'm getting TONS of cramps the past hour. There's a constant strong period-like cramp all over my abdomen. It's not letting up. Then I'm getting sharp ones all over. Now my lower back is killing me.

I guess it's good I have my scan in a few hours. I'd hate to not know what this is. Maybe nerves, maybe m/c (let's hope not), maybe Swine flu. There's been a Swine flu outbreak at work. I can't imagine that's it....I haven't had a sore throat, fever, or cough.

My neverending question is - what the hell is going on in there?

I'll update with scan results tonight. Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts today.

Now I know what round ligament pain is

Who the heck knows what's going on in my body, with the weird electric zaps, the NK cells elevated, the clotting. In 27.5 hours, we'll know if our peanut is still alive, and at least some indication if it's healthy.

I'll update y'all, good or bad, tomorrow evening. And as always, big thanks to everyone for their comments. I read them all over and over, take them to heart, and they are always comforting. (Even the tough love ones are comforting, don't worry. haha)

I DO think I had my first round ligament pain today. I was laying on my side, and started to get up quickly. OW. I had this incredibly strong ripping pain go up the right side of my abdomen. It lasted two seconds, then was gone. I has to have been round ligament pain. Kind of weird, and kind of exciting! LOL.

most annoying day of my life!

I called Obstetrix to see if they had my blood results in (the ones that take 7-10 days, and the ones they apparently need for a nuchal scan). They TOLD me to call them to confirm they are in.

"Uhhh no, we don't have a way of checking to see if your results are in."
"What do you mean, you asked me to call you to confirm before I come in on Friday."
"Yeah, all the results are online now, and only our ultrasond technicians can access."
"great, so can one of them check for me."
"nooo, they cannot check."
"So how the hell am i supposed to know if you have the results in since you said I'd have to reschedule otherwise?"
"Just show up on Friday, and we can reschedule if they aren't in."
"I still don't understand why you can't check first and let me know, before I miss a half day of work."

Fckn a. So we will just show up on Friday. If the results are not in, I have to wait another 1-2 weeks(!!!) to get the results. We will still get the scan to confirm baby is alive, but it will kill me to not know if it's "ok" or not. I'd have to see my OB to get the final results, and she's booked out 2 weeks. They don't seem optimistic about squeezing me in. I will scream and throw a fit if I have to.

PS - the standard blood tests came back saying I'm now anemic. Great. Anyone else get this while preg?

Worst fcking day. I want to go home. Becky bought me a Snuggie, so at least there's that. I love my snuggie.

Update from OB

My OB's nurse called me back this morning to ask me more questions. She spoke with my OB. Normally my OB drives me crazy with her tough love of "Oh stop being paranoid, this is totally normal, you're fine!" speeches. (I know, I need those speeches now and then!)

This time, she is more concerned. Great. She wants to keep a close eye on these, and for me to call if they get worse, or accompanied by bleeding. They don't know what it causing these pains, she doesn't think it's ligament pain. Only when I asked, did they say it COULD be some normal part of pregnancy, but they are on the fence.

So who knows. Maybe it's my body trying to expel baby b, or maybe baby a is fading out. We won't know for 2 days and 5 hours. (Clearly, I'm still not counting) :)

I sure hope you guys are right, that it's ligament pain. I went through about 50 ligament pain sites, though, and couldn't find anything that matched up. The two big differences: I get these sitting down, not moving. Ligament pain is usually from movement. Also, all the stories I read about ligament pain sound very painful, sometimes excruciating. My pains are like tiny electrocutions - not double-over pain, or even as bad as period cramps. They are very sharp, but maybe a 3 or 4 in 10 on a scale of pain. I don't lose my breath or stop in my tracks. has anyone had cramps like that? Just little zings down the side of your belly?

2 days, 4 hours, 58 minutes.

Another question for you

So around 4pm today, I started getting these sharp, stabbing pains in the front of my belly. They are like little lightning bolts that zip down my belly, then disappear. I've had about 20+ of them in the last hour.

They are always in the same spot....about 1-2" to the right of my belly button, and they shoot down about 3-4".

WTH is this? This can't be a stretching pain. Is this something you've all experienced, or something I should be concerned about? I left a message for my OB's nurse, but I tried to really downplay it so I wouldn't look paranoid. (I think my OB has already labeled me the paranoid patient)

I hate not knowing what's normal and what I should be concerned about. So far no bleeding. I hope things are ok...I can't seem to find stories of this pain anywhere on the web. All the round ligament stories happen later on, and in a totally different area.

omg, can it seriously just be Friday yet. I'd like to know if I'm still pregnant or not.

Still holding my breath till Friday

I fully admit that I am paranoid. Perhaps I can blame some of it on all the infertility failures, and bad news about my body. Maybe I can blame it on the sudden loss of one of our twins, and the feeling of vulnerability it leaves you with. I'm sure part of it is just me being a total spaz, regardless. :)

3 days, 4 hours until my obstetrix appt. Not that I'm counting, of course. Not that I wake up 10x every night and update my mental timer.

If y'all will indulge me for a moment... can you let me know how you feel/felt at 12 weeks pregnant? Other than my blubbery belly, I feel NOTHING. I realize this is that annoying stage where most of your symptoms go away, and it's too early to feel movement. The next two months will be rough, no doubt, until I feel little kicks. But truthfully, how did you feel at 12 weeks? Did you feel pregnant? Or did you feel like I do - I simply feel pudgy. I have no sensations of anything growing or moving in me.

Penny for your thoughts. :)

Pins and Needles

Five more days until our nuchal screen. I literally want to crawl into a hole and not come out until Friday. I want to know the baby is ok, despite the funky ultrasound pic. More importantly, I want to know the baby is alive. The fact that my NK cells jumped to 24% (considered a toxic level for a fetus), and that I went at least a week with that level (before intralipid treatment), makes me worried. That level could shut off a fetus within a matter of days.

I'm sick with worry. And I'm effing sick of having to worry - I just want a normal body and things to go relatively smoothy! So jealous of women who can relax in pregnancy and be excited. I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I'll feel better if things go well on Friday. It's definitely a watershed moment for this pregnancy.

Sigh. Can someone knock me unconscious until Friday, please. I'm paralyzed with anxiousness.

A little good news, finally!

So here I am, in my constant worried state. (I am a natural spaz, I'll own that). :)

Current worries:
1. Want to know that the baby is ok, despite the weird-ass scan photo they took last week. Have to wait till next Friday to get the nuchal screening.
2. Turns out my NK cell count JUMPED from 17 to 24, which apparently isn't good. I may not be responding well to intralipid treatment. This NK count could definitely be chiseling away at the baby. I've had this count for at least a week now, so am praying it hasn't caused any demise. I just finished my intralipid treatment today, so I hope it's having some positive effect.

Now for the GOOD news!
I had my antiphospholipid antibodies retested. This is regarding another serious clotting disorder. Last time they were positive. THIS TIME THEY ALL CAME BACK NEGATIVE!!!! I heard these can come and go, but knowing they are GONE right now is a huge relief. These cause some serious thrash on your baby and placenta, not to mention one's overall risk of heart attack and stroke.

I'll keep my faith believing that the baby is OK. Will know more next Friday. For now, this is GREAT news and I'm smiling hard. :)

11w3d

I'm about 11.5 weeks. My OB called at 6pm last night, minutes before I was about to leave her a messaging saying THANKS for not calling me back all day. LOL. My OB didn't have a copy of the u/s pic we have, she had a pic taken at a slightly different angle...so I suppose I am taking her comments with a grain of salt.

She prefaced with saying she is not a certified ultrasound technician, so she isn't skilled at reading them. (Is it weird that my OB doesn't do scans?) She said the picture she had looked normal. It alleviated maybe 10% of my fears, but knowing she's not certified to do scans, and knowing she was looking at a different picture made it a wet blanket response for me. She kept saying "Stop worrying! You can't control these things, they're out of your hands. So you need to not worry!"

Sorry, but that does not work for me. The fact that I can't control if my baby has severe deformities, or the high risk of losing this baby to a blood clot...why should that mean I can't worry?

My IVF doc called and said my Natural Killer cells have gone UP since my last treatment. Sigh. They said to get another infusion asap, so I go back tomorrow for my 3.5 hour boring infusion.

You wouldn't believe how much work I am missing lately for these appointments. I missed work Monday, and Tuesday I missed a half day. Tomorrow I am out a half-day for my infusion. Next Friday is our nuchal scan and I will be OOO for half a day.
Each week thereafter, I am missing at LEAST 1/2 of a workday for a doctor appt. I have two appts next week.

It never stops! Well, next Friday is what I'm calling a watershed moment for us. The nuchal screening will give us an indication if the baby is ok or not. Hopefully everything is fine, I'm trying not to worry. Seriously tho - I feel like a medical hot mess lately. :)