It's official. 2009 sucks as bad as 2008

I give up. No, seriously. I give up.

Allow me to recap the last 5 days:
* Got BFN #6
* My coworker announced his wife is pregnant. (I also recently found out my boss's wife is pregnant)
* A sales rep I work with announced she's pregnant
* Today, moments before I left for my CD2 ultrasound, the girl who sits next to me said she's 3 months pregnant
* At my CD2 ultrasound today, my RE said my lining is really thin, something's wrong with my period. She doesn't know why I spotted so much during the TWW, thinks maybe my polyps are back, or it's something else. Something's totally fucked up with my body.
* She prescribed 2 2.5mg pills of Femara a day, starting tonight. It's 11pm, and I just opened my prescription. Walgreens only gave me (5) 2.5mg pills, not 10. Either they got it wrong, or my doc did. I left her a message, and asked her to call in the rest of the Rx. I dont know if my insurance will cover two separate Femara Rx's in 24 hours! And why the fuck should I have to pay another $20 copay?

This is our last cycle on Femara only. next cycle we go to injectables. im sorry to say this, but i'm simply going through the motions, like a robot, right now. i dont have one fucking shred of hope for this cycle.

Blood Test - Negative

Well, I figured as much. I went in at 7:30am for the bloodwork. I called my RE at 2pm, to get the results. "Sorry the computers are down, we'll have to get back to you tomorrow."

WHAT!!!!

We called and called, and they kept saying the computers were down. We asked if they could contact the lab directly and ask for the results. their answer? "No the lab computers are down, too."

Becky finally took matters into her own hands. I think she knew I'd have a meltdown if I couldnt have my wine and sushi tonight. She called the lab directly, pretending to be me. She explained that we needed the results, and our RE was saying the computers were down. They casually responded, "Really? And the doctor didn't think they could call us for results. We have the results right here!" They agreed to fax them to my doc's office, who later called with the results.

You know, I'm disappointed that my doc's office didn't bother to call the lab. They would have let me sit and worry all night long. Shouldn't these people be more sensitive? Don't they know how long 24 hours is to a woman on the verge of finding out if she's pregnant?

I'm close to giving up my faith in healthcare. Anyway, now we wait for my period to start. I may go dark for a week on blogland....there was something very difficult about this BFN, something different. Something that's making it hard to blog and read blogs. A few days of space should put me back on track.

12DPO - BFN

Thanks, everyone, for the words of comfort and support. I appreciate it. :)

Well, I took a $Tree HPT this morning, and it was a resounding negative. Maybe it was a chemical pregnancy, or maybe I was never pregnant all.....and just mysteriously had implantation-like bleeding from 7-9DPO, and passed two mysterious clots. Weird.

And so we slowly march into our 10th month of TTC. At the moment, I feel I've lost my hope. Emotionally, I have nothing left, but physically I will go through the motions.

We've used 2 donors, 2 doctors, 2 cryobanks, tried hcg triggers, tried femara, tried 1 IUI & 2 IUIs per cycle, had 2 shgs, an hsg, a hysteroscopy to remove polyps, ive eaten pineapple, drank fertilitea/red raspberry tea, prenatals, acupuncture....

Someone commented on my blog weeks ago, and what they said was so true. "How come it feels like pregnancy happens so quickly for some, yet for others it seems to never happen?"

My sister's heartfelt words of support

So if you read my earlier post today, you know about the intense cramping and blood clots I've been passing. Since this morning, the bad cramps/clots have stopped.
I think the damage has been done; a chemical pregnancy.

I don't have to tell you how painful it is to start another cycle. Another cycle of multiple RE appts, missing work and being harder and harder to excuse my way out of important work meetings and trips, the inability for me to take migraine meds 2 weeks a month when i most need them, the poking, speculums, ultrasounds, pills, injections, suppositories, the side effects and weight gain, the waiting, the watching-all-my-friends-and-coworkers-have-more-babies, the awkwardness of passing on alcohol when a coworker wants to celebrate a win at work, getting 'talked to' by my boss for declining our team offsite at the trampoline dodgeball joint (obviously I can't go if I'm in TWW, but I can't tell him that), the $$$$ spent on sperm and copays.

There is a small chance I'm preggo, but I ain't counting on it. Even a positive HPT and blood test won't get me excited. I just feel it in my gut. Whatever was there, is going or gone. My RE said my polyps would start growing back 4 months after surgery. Well this was month 3. I have one month left. Then what? Another hysteroscopy to SEE if they've grown back?

Anyway, I wrote my sister about it today. She's gotten pregnant on the first try with Kid #1 and Kid #2. She did have a m/c at 12 weeks with Kid #2, but then got preg again on the first try. Kid #3 took 6 months.

Her response: "Carrie, most pregnancies end in miscarriage. If it wasn't meant to be then so be it."

Said like a true heterosexual Mormon married to a high sperm quality/count husband who can BD anyday she likes, who's never spent a dollar on fertility treatments, never known what it's like to go through 9 months of draining procedures. Not to mention she had all three kids in her 20's.

Can I blame her? Is it her fault for not understanding my situation? I expected a little more sympathy, but perhaps I should remember this is my family I'm dealing with. Wasn't it just two months ago that Mama Peterson donated $500 to Yes on 8?

I feel SO down today. I can't figure out how to crawl out of this. And we have two-day sales conference starting Monday. Tons of presentations to give, and I can't even start to prepare. My head's not in it.

I'd love my Death & Taxes oatmeal stout right now, to get a nice buzz. But that isn't an option. Well, one thing's for sure. We will do one more round of Femara, then I am going straight to injectables. I don't care if I have a litter!

Chemical Pregnancy, I think

I'm worried I'm experiencing a chemical pregnancy, and that it may be my fault. I took two Imitrex over a 24 hour period, because my headaches were so bad. That drug restricts blood flow, which could be a problem for implantation.

Then yesterday, my coworkers took me out for a bday lunch. I had a salad with bacon, goat cheese, chicken... I saved half of it, and STUPIDLY let it sit out for 5 hours on my desk, then I finished it. Um, can we say bacteria???

Well, when we go to my birthday dinner, I experienced INTENSE AF cramps on the right side of my ute. I mean, these were bad bad bad. I could barely eat, or speak. I was even a little nauseas.

I think I may have accidentally ended my first pregnancy. :( Until that time I'd had (possible) implantation spotting, and I coudl smell EVERYTHING in the restaurant. I smelled this lady's one scallop on her plate from 10 feet away.

Well, the cramps went away finally, and we went back to the hotel room. In the last 12 hours, I've found two tiny blood clots in the toilet after I go to the bathroom. No blood on the toilet paper, but definite tiny clots in the toilet.

This really can't be good, can it. Did I, out of stupidity and carelessness, end my own pregnancy??? I've waited 9 months to get pregnant, and I just f*cking blew it for myself.

has anyone else experienced chemical pregnancies/really early m/c? I'd love to hear your stories. How unfortunate that this all went down on my birthday, eh?

Now I just want this cycle to be over. Even if I get a positive blood test on Tuesday, I will not be excited. I'll be convinced it's falling HCG levels, and that soon it'll be 0.

Epic failure on my part.

I'm 33 today

This is my current Facebook profile pic. I turned 33 today! B has a nice weekend planned for me in SF. It'll be good to get my mind off TTC.

Afraid I have some bad news on the TTC front. I'm spotting a lot heavier now, which makes me think AF is around the corner. B just started her period, and mine always shadows hers. Only I could start a period while on 200mg of progesterone. WTF!

In worse news, I had one of the worst migraines of my life last night. It was bad, guys. I ended up taking 1 and 1/2 of my Imitrex pills. So now I'm wondering if the bleeding means I killed our baby. (A nice thought on one's birthday, eh)

AF is around the corner. I have my typical AF headache, I'm getting crampy, and apparently now I'm spotting through progesterone. And it's red red red.

I was starting to get excited about this cycle, and now I just feel like a failure.

9DPO - no g00gling going on here

Well here I am. 9DPO. Really nothing to report. I woke up with a weird headache today. Glad I have acupuncture in a few hours!

A few twinges, still a wee bit of spotting. That's it, folks. There's nothing to even g00gle.

I actually feel like I'm getting AF soon. Usually a few days beforehand, I get these weird headaches that don't go away (like now), hungry all the time (like now), and a little hot-flashy (like now).

Could it be AF? We'll find out in 5 days!

PS - I enjoyed my 30 min foot rub last night!

8DPO - Over the Hump

Just 6 more days until we find out. I get my foot rub tonight! Even though I can g00gle symptoms now, I don't think I will. This TWW has been remarkably quiet. Just a few twings, and some wicked reflex/burping last night. Oh, and the mystery spotting. Otherwise, nothing. I haven't even had a headache since last Thursday, which is a miracle! I started acupuncture, so maybe it's helping.. :)

Now back to the spotting conundrum. I don't know what to think. My theories:
1. Regular old implantation spotting. It was red for a moment, and since yesterday afternoon it's just faint brown. Now, what contradicts this theory is that I've had NO temperature dips or spikes. I've been a constant 98.4. So...does this rule out implantation?
2. Ectopic. Hopefully it's not this. And if it isn't, I'll be irritated at my clinic for freaking me out for no reason.
3. Cervical irritation from the progesterone capsules. For those on progesterone, you know what I mean. The capsule partially disintegrates, and becomes gritty. It's very possible it's been irritating my lady parts, causing some bleeding. My money is on this option right now.
4. AF spotting. My period is supposed to start next Monday/Tuesday. I usually spot for 5-6 days beforehand. Last month, for the first time ever - I started light brown spotting while on progesterone. (The last 3 days I was on prog).

I just wanna know what it is! My guess is it's #3, my hope it it's #1. :) But can you have implantation without any change in BBT?

I may need to G00gle this symptom. (need advice)

===UPDATE===
The doc called back. She said there's a chance this is an ectopic pregnancy!!!!! HOLY SHIT. Now I'm worried. She said there's not much they can do, but she said to take it super easy. No exercise. She said if I get bad abdominal cramps or heavy bleeding, to go to the ER.

Man, I seriously hope it's either uterine implantation or just irritation from the progesterone capsules. Fock fock fock, now I'm worried. I can't handle this if it's an ectopic! I guess it means we'd go right to IVF).

Scared and waiting.
===========

It's 7DPO. I still haven't looked up symptoms, and to be honest - I've had fewer fake symptoms than ever before! Just a few twinges in the belly. But otherwise - NOTHING.

So I'm at work right now, and I got superhella bloated. I figure it's from the progesterone. It usually strikes with serious bloating around this time.

My tummy hurts, I can't push it in. I have lots of gas, too.

Well, I had to pee, so I went to the bathroom just now. When I wiped, I noticed a little tinge of blood on the toilet paper. "Could it be?" I wiped again, same thing. Ok, this is TMI - but I wiped HARDER the next time, kinda pushing the toilet paper up in da hole, if you get my drift. This time i got a square inch of bright red blood.

So...what does this mean? It's almost 8DPO, implantation time. BUT - my bloating is SO bad, it's really painful, and I thought implantation bleeding was brown, not bright red. Bright red makes me think something is wrong. LIke this is a cyst exploding. :(

I really don't know what to think. For those of you who've had BFPs, did you get implantation spotting, and was it BRIGHT red? Do you think I am ok?

Well heck dude, I had no faith in this cycle until now. it's either implantation or a cyst or some other health issue I probably don't want to know about. But that gives me a 30% chance that it's implantation. haha. My lack of symptoms (otherwise) is, in itself, almost a symptom. Hmmm.

5DPO & Coasting Along

Doing things differently this TWW. Instead of spazzing over symptoms and googling everything, I am going the entire first week G00gle-free.

B promised that if I can go the entire first week w/o symptom-tracking, she will give me a 30 min foot rub. :)

The first 3 days breezed by! Now it's 5DPO, and the impatience is kicking in. I have absolutely NO symptoms. If implantation happens between days 7-10, then what's the point freaking out now? It would still be another 4 days until a REAL symptom would kick in.

Although I am very impatient with getting through the TWW, it has helped to be G00gle-free the first week. Otherwise, I get trapped in that horrible loop of spazzing about symptoms that don't exist, or can only (at that point in the TWW) be attributed to progesterone.

Nine more days to go.

Everyone, meet my Mother...

Disappointing, but not surprising. For all of you who have equally sucky families, I'd like to introduce you to my mom. The same woman who cries "poor" and says how she can't afford her mortgage, and that they'll have to walk away from their home. (Bulls***)

This is a Google Maps Mashup of everyone who donated to Yes on 8. www eightmaps dotcom

This same woman, my mother, donated $500 to Yes on 8. She'd actually pay $500 to ensure her daughter is discriminated against, and that her daughter's family isn't recognized or protected. I am not surprised by her move, but it still hurts. If she wants to legally ensure my family isn't recognized, then she will have no place in our child's life.

And so we meet again.

Progesterone. All 200mg of you. Today we start another 12 days of hating each other. Try not to make me so bloated and fat this time, will ya?

This is pretty much what happened today (pic)

See that boulder? That was my gigantic 27mm+ egg chasing little spermies! My RE did a u/s, and it looks like I ovulated yesterday evening. I'm hoping that the IUI being 15 hours past ovulation wasn't too late. The donor's count was good - 13mm motile swimmers. I held the vial and coaxed my swimmers. "Swim hard, little boys! If there are girls in there, be like Dara Torres! Find that egg and eat it!" Seriously, my egg is so huge those swimmers can't help but bump into it.

The IUI was very painful this time. Maybe because I'd ovulated yesterday, the cervix closed up? The RE let Becky push the spermies in, which was cool. Although I was literally in agony. Ripping bad cramps from the catheter, and it even hurt when the sperm went in. Becky, trying to be careful, pushed the syringe very slowly. They had some trouble getting all the boys out. I seriously wanted to pass out from the pain. I also had some bleeding around my cervix, prior to the catheter going on. What's that about?

My RE still isn't concerned about the humongo egg size, but I am. She thinks I should go on Femara on CD2! Ack. I think we will try one more round of Femara, then go to Femara+injectables. Twins - bring it on! Just get me out of the endless TWW land.

Speaking of....I can't believe I'm starting another TWW again! I can't believe I ovulated on CD11! Anyone else out there starting (or in) a TWW? I'll try to keep the faith, even though we have a few disadvantages with this cycle.

Aw man, I'll be on my TWW on my birthday! (1/23) Well, we decided if this one is a BFN, we're going to Napa for the weekend. :)

CD11 - What a Day

Just another manic Monday! (wohhhh ohhhhh)

Today was just a whirl. Like I said earlier, today is CD11. I NEVER have ripe follies by now, but we decided to do an earlier u/s since I upped my Femara dosage.

The day got a little crazy after my RE appt. Here's how the last 11 hours have been:

9:30am - RE appt. HUGE follie. She tells me to immediately find a drugstore and buy a digital OPK. Tells me to hold my urine until 1pm.

10:00am - I get a digital OPK ($45!), and hold my pee. I had to pee SO bad at 10am, and holding it was so stressful. I was counting each minute.

1pm: Pee on a stick. waiting for results in the bathroom - people outside waiting for me to leave, so they could use the restroom. (stressful) Smiley face on OPK!

1:10pm - Call RE, schedule IUI for 11:30am Tuesday. She tells me to trigger between 5-6pm. My Ovidrel is at home in the fridge!

1:15pm - call acupuncturist, to tell her I will be late for my 6pm appt.

4:45pm - I leave work early (ugh-it looks really bad to leave early where I work), and race home. Becky is supposed to leave at the same time, but she spends 20 min trying to find her phone. I get home 30 minutes before she does. She has to give me the shot, because I'm a wuss.

6:10pm - Becky finally gets home to give me Ovidrel. She literally walked in the door, got the syringe, stabbed me in the belly, and I ran out the door to acupuncture.

6:20pm - acupuncture. She works on my fertility. She also gives me some calming points. I am stressed out the ENTIRE time, thinking about work, TTC. I couldn't unwind at all, which bummed me out.

So tomorrow I go in for IUI#6. I'm trying not to worry that my follie is massive, which may mean unfertilizable. WTF - let's just do the stupid IUI and see what happens. I was hoping to have a better layup for this round - perfect sized follie, etc. But Mother Nature never seems to give us ideal conditions, does she? :)

Ummmmm

So this month I did 5mg Femara. Well, I just had a CD11 ultrasound. I have one follie, and it's 27mm!!!! What the-!!!!
And it's only CD11! Usually my follie is 18mm on CD12.

My doc was a little startled, too. She said it was rather big, and it didn't look like I'd ovulated yet. (She'd better be right) She told me to buy an OPK and test at 1pm today. If it's positive, I come in tomorrow morning for an IUI. If it's not positive, I come in Wednesday.

Did anyone else have a supersized follie, and get pregnant? I'm a little worried. Not to mention, my surge is usually SUPER fast. In and out. So I may test at 1pm today and get a negative, but it's likely I surged last night and it's not showing anymore.

I don't know what to do. :( I'm a little bummed with this cycle.

Finally. Someone said it.

Pop Quiz

Actually, it's just a poll. :)

Many of you were successful with one IUI (versus 2 IUIs). For all of you who've gotten a BFP from one IUI, I have two questions:

1) How many hours post trigger was your IUI?

2) What cycle day did you get your IUI? (Just curious)

Eggs. Lots of eggs.

Today was my CD3 ultrasound. It started out rough, but got better. Here's the summary:
Arrived on-time at 8:30am (ouch, considering it's a 40 min drive on a Sunday!) for appt. Doctor hadn't arrived yet! They had me take my tampon out and sit in the exam room. We waited and waited. At 9am, the nurse came in and said RE was STILL on her way in. I was mad. She finally arrived at 9:07am, a full 37 minutes late.

Doc looked at my ovaries. I always get nervous she'll tell me have another cyst. I saw lots of black dots - this is good! She said my ovaries look great. She counted 8 follicles on one side, and 3 on the other. Looks like my left ovary has the 'leading horse' follicle. She said my ovarian reserve looks great, which was a relief.

I asked, "How do I always have so many follicles, yet only one mature one??" She recommended I up my Femara dosage to 5mg, which I agreed to. Let's hope we get 2 follies this time.

I also decided to just do one IUI this month, instead of two. We'll do one IUI between 36-40 hours post trigger. I have such few vials left of my favorite 2 donors (and they are both retired), that I don't want to blow through all the vials. I'm not 100% convinced that two IUIs is the best idea. I think we will do 1 IUI this month, 1 IUI next month...then reconsider.

To my surprise, my RE encouraged me to consider injectables. To be fair, I brought it up first, but she said it would be a great idea. She likes my idea of trying 2-3 more times with Femara, alone, then trying a small dose of injectables. I was glad she approved...my old RE tried to talk me out of it, saying I should try straight IUI's for a year before injectables. Ugh!

So we're off to another hopeful start. I begin 5mg of Femara tonight.

B and I had a great day yesterday. We drove up to San Francisco, drove along the waterfront, went to a good BBQ joint, got my favorite beer on EARTH at this dive bar in the Haight, watched the sunset at our secret spot overlooking the GG Bridge, got oodles of cheap dim sum, and went home. So nice. Oh, at our secret spot, we dug a hole and buried a list of all crappy 2008 events. It was very symbolic.

Today B cooked me runny eggs - it's a treat since I can't eat these during the TWW! Pretty soon we're going to ride our bikes down the Los Gatos Creek Trail. It ends up in downtown Los Gatos, this cute town, where we might do some wine tasting!

Ahhhh, enjoying the last 24 hours of holiday vacation.

You know what would be cool.....

Logistically and financially I know it's not feasible, BUT...
wouldn't it be cool if we had a giant get-together? Like, everyone meets in Vegas or Phoenix, etc? Almost like an IVP blogger convention, so everyone can meet.

That would be cool. :) Well, for any bloggers in California (the bay area), we should plan a little meetup!

Holy Sh*t, It KEEPS GETTING BETTER!

2009 just rocked me again! As some of you know, I grew up Mormon, but fell inactive 15 years ago. Most inactives never leave the church - the Mormon Church is like David vs Goliath. They threaten you, scare you, and make it very difficult to leave.

Prop 8 was my final impetus to start that scary process. It's taken months and months, including a Bishop showing up at my door at night, unannounced, to scare me from leaving.

I didn't give in, I stuck to my guns - no matter how difficult it was.

Today I called up LDS Headquarters, Member Records Division. I am thrilled to report that they formally resigned my membership and removed my name from their rolls! It happened on 12/11 (Becky's bday), and they said my confirmation letter should arrive in a few days.

I AM SO HAPPY, YOU GUYS!!!!!!! I feel like I just conquered Goliath!!!!

Come on, y'all, sing this with me: "NA NA NA NA...NA NA NA NA... HEY HEY, GOODBYE!!!!!"

2009. It's on.

2009 is already off to a good start. Becky went for a bike ride down a nearby creek trail today, and found a dollar bill on the side of the road. This may seem like a silly, small thing (and it is), but it's perfect timing. I'm optimistic this will be a good year for all of us. We're going to frame that wrinkled dollar, and keep it in our bedroom. Hopefully it will remind us that 2009 started out with a little luck, and that it's going to be a GREAT year.

Happy New Year, everyone!