So if you read my earlier post today, you know about the intense cramping and blood clots I've been passing. Since this morning, the bad cramps/clots have stopped.
I think the damage has been done; a chemical pregnancy.
I don't have to tell you how painful it is to start another cycle. Another cycle of multiple RE appts, missing work and being harder and harder to excuse my way out of important work meetings and trips, the inability for me to take migraine meds 2 weeks a month when i most need them, the poking, speculums, ultrasounds, pills, injections, suppositories, the side effects and weight gain, the waiting, the watching-all-my-friends-and-coworkers-have-more-babies, the awkwardness of passing on alcohol when a coworker wants to celebrate a win at work, getting 'talked to' by my boss for declining our team offsite at the trampoline dodgeball joint (obviously I can't go if I'm in TWW, but I can't tell him that), the $$$$ spent on sperm and copays.
There is a small chance I'm preggo, but I ain't counting on it. Even a positive HPT and blood test won't get me excited. I just feel it in my gut. Whatever was there, is going or gone. My RE said my polyps would start growing back 4 months after surgery. Well this was month 3. I have one month left. Then what? Another hysteroscopy to SEE if they've grown back?
Anyway, I wrote my sister about it today. She's gotten pregnant on the first try with Kid #1 and Kid #2. She did have a m/c at 12 weeks with Kid #2, but then got preg again on the first try. Kid #3 took 6 months.
Her response: "Carrie, most pregnancies end in miscarriage. If it wasn't meant to be then so be it."
Said like a true heterosexual Mormon married to a high sperm quality/count husband who can BD anyday she likes, who's never spent a dollar on fertility treatments, never known what it's like to go through 9 months of draining procedures. Not to mention she had all three kids in her 20's.
Can I blame her? Is it her fault for not understanding my situation? I expected a little more sympathy, but perhaps I should remember this is my family I'm dealing with. Wasn't it just two months ago that Mama Peterson donated $500 to Yes on 8?
I feel SO down today. I can't figure out how to crawl out of this. And we have two-day sales conference starting Monday. Tons of presentations to give, and I can't even start to prepare. My head's not in it.
I'd love my Death & Taxes oatmeal stout right now, to get a nice buzz. But that isn't an option. Well, one thing's for sure. We will do one more round of Femara, then I am going straight to injectables. I don't care if I have a litter!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
My sister's heartfelt words of support
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5 comments:
your posts today are heartbreaking.
listen to me - nothing you did caused this, if indeed, it was a chemical and early m/c. you could have take twice the amount of imitrex and eaten moldy food all day or you could have spent the last 10 days meditating and eating only organic greens, and what was going to happen would happen. we don't lose pregnancies because of our actions, and lucky, but ungrateful, ones like your sister don't get to keep theirs because of something they did right. it's random and unfair and it totally sucks.
i'm sorry you had to deal with such an insensitive comment from a family member. youre in my thoughts.
I too have a sister that lives in the world of religion and has a difficult time understanding the emotions of others. I can totally relate to your feelings about the TTC journey. It is not easy at all. The added stress makes it unlike any hetero conception! Find solace in those that understand and do your best to dismiss the words of people that would rather dismiss it then spend time thinking about how you are truly feeling.
I'm sorry.
Thank goodness we have this community of people who understand. People who have never been through treatment just don't understand, no matter how hard they try, they have jusnt never been through it.
Listen to anofferingoflove, and to me....you did nothing wrong. I'm so sorry that you're hurting. Sometimes our bodies just aren't ready. I know it is crazy-making trying to accept that, especially when you've been through so much.
Ah, this sucks. Just know that we're here for you always.
Ainsley
It can be very disappointing to seek support from your family and not get it. Like others have said, you did nothing to cause this. You are doing everything you can. I wish we could all give you a hug in these difficult times. Hang in there.
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