Thanks, everyone, for the words of comfort and support. I appreciate it. :)
Well, I took a $Tree HPT this morning, and it was a resounding negative. Maybe it was a chemical pregnancy, or maybe I was never pregnant all.....and just mysteriously had implantation-like bleeding from 7-9DPO, and passed two mysterious clots. Weird.
And so we slowly march into our 10th month of TTC. At the moment, I feel I've lost my hope. Emotionally, I have nothing left, but physically I will go through the motions.
We've used 2 donors, 2 doctors, 2 cryobanks, tried hcg triggers, tried femara, tried 1 IUI & 2 IUIs per cycle, had 2 shgs, an hsg, a hysteroscopy to remove polyps, ive eaten pineapple, drank fertilitea/red raspberry tea, prenatals, acupuncture....
Someone commented on my blog weeks ago, and what they said was so true. "How come it feels like pregnancy happens so quickly for some, yet for others it seems to never happen?"
Sunday, January 25, 2009
12DPO - BFN
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14 comments:
I am SO sorry you have been having such a hellish time these past few days. It's maddening!! I hope you can take care of yourself and regroup for the next cycle. I think you need another 30 minute footrub.....at least!
Hang in there, dear. We are all rooting for you.
Jill
that's a great question. wish i knew the answer...
(((hugs)))
I wish there was someway to send hugs from PA to CA.
Ainsley
Oh my, I am incredibly sorry. We all blame ourselves when things go wrong, but truthfully I think you just had a "normal" chemical pregnancy. From what I understand, this just happens sometimes: no fault. However, that does not take away the pain, sadness and general fatigue. I agree that injectables sound like a good idea. In the meantime, I hope you will take the time to get really angry, shake your fist at this whole process and grieve this loss.
Hope you feel better soon.
I hope you feel better soon.
Oh, Carrie. I'm thinking about you, crying right now at the unfairess of it all. I'm especially sad that you blame yourself. How in the world could you cause such a thing? You are doing everything within your power to create a healthy, thriving pregnancy.
[But by writing it that way, it appears that I'm discounting your belief that it was a chemical, that something was, then wasn't. Please know that I don't discount that at all. You know that something was going on. It's real and true for you. All I'm saying is that you aren't to blame. Not at all.]
Thinking the best for you as you go forward. And the whole-litter-via-injectables thing? Right there with you.
{{{HUG}}} I'm so sorry.
I feel like the world is in a huge baby boom right now all around us. Every where I turn there are new babies and pregnant woman all around and then there are the rest of us. Trying and trying to come up empty or find new issues with every try.
I know you are just going to be "going through the motions" but at least you are still trying.
You two are in my thoughts.
I can't say that I ever thought much about it until jumping into TTC-land. Now I read everyone's story and think, "how does the human race carry itself on??" :)
Wishing you guys the best -
Cindy
Carrie, I'm just catching up and late to chime in, but I'm so sorry and sad for you that you had such a bad birthday weekend. Please don't blame yourself for anything. I've had quite a few cycles like that (including my last one..) before and I've always wondered if it was a chemical. You didn't do anything wrong.
This entire process is simply maddening and all-consuming.
You know I had great reservations about multiples when we started, so I understand. Now, I'm like, whatever, bring it!
I think you need a full-on massage after this.
I hope this week is better.
I'm so sorry. What a hard week this has been for you.
Just to remind you that some of us don't get pregnant right away but we also do eventually get pregnant! It took us many tries and lots of emotions and money and pain and hope and ups and downs, but it WORKED!! It really does work! And it WILL work for you!!
(Another story for you....that I thought you'd appreciate. Some missionaries (is that what they call themselves?) from a certain religion came knocking on our door the other day and my lovely wife respectfully told them that we already have a religion and don't want theirs. They kept pushing until she told them that we weren't going to start with a new religion when "my wife is 9 months pregnant with our first child and we are expecting the baby any day." They left very, very quickly.)
hi- hope this isn't stalkerish, but i came across your blog trying to connect with other lesbian ttc-ers who were as f'ing frustrated as i am! something about safety in numbers... anyway, i feel your pain! i've been ttc for about a year, we've had 11 tries now (4 IUIs, 3 donors, a bad month on clomid)...now back to au natural and a local donor for the fresh stuff. it is such a rollercoaster. i know how hard it is to watch everyone around you. you want to be happy...but...my sister is also gay and got pregnant the first try. her partner started trying when i did last year and got pregnant the second try. they're both under 30...i just turned 37 on friday. whew. sorry to ramble on, just heard myself in some of your posts and wanted to send a shout out. some days are good and hopeful, other days feel very dark. i just keep trying to reach for that light and know that however this works out, there WILL be a baby. and however it ends up gracing us, it will happen. it's just the path to get there that is hazy...and sure feels like we've been on a long hike...
Carrie...I am so sorry. I wish I had the right answer. It's so frustrating and you just feel like you want to bang your head into a wall, or kick those people who get pregnant so easy.
We didn't have an easy road and we kept saying "why isn't this happening for us?" When it did happen, we ended up with this amazing kid who was meant for us at the right time.
It's hard to convince someone to keep believing, but I hope you do keep believing that you will have that child that is waiting for the right time.
Sending hugs.
oh i'm so sorry carrie.
i have everything in me hoping this happens soon for you. i know it's so hard.
xoxo
I've been thinking of you. I hope you are doing okay. I hope things are getting better. Hang tough!
I know these words, these feelings all too well. I know that sense that it never will happen, that despite all efforts, it must not be possible. But it is. Sometimes it takes one try, and sometimes it take 20. It sucks when it takes 20. It rips our hearts out over and over again. I have such hope for you that this will happen very, very soon. That doesn't help now, but a pint of some really good beer wouldn't hurt, right? I'm thinking of you and hoping like mad for next time. xoxo
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