Goodbye 2008, and Happy New Year!

To all my friends in the blogosphere - THANK YOU for the continued support you gave me throughout the year. I am very very grateful for it, and it absolutely made an impact. Thanks to everyone who's ever read my blog, commented, or even simply kept a blog of their own. Being able to read your stories (the good and the painful) has offered such a sense of community.

I am wishing that all of us have a very prosperous new year, whether you've just expanded your family or are still trying to. It's going to be a great year, I know it!

Also, I wanted to say conrgats to the girls at Boombababy! They just adopted the two cutest kids ever, and are already incredible mommies. Congrats Shawn & Lani! xoxo

Year in Review

===Update 12/30===
Blood test confirmed BFN. 0 HCG in my system, I guess that means no! ;-) I'm doing ok, actually. My worst grieving time is usually 1-2 days beforehand, when my HPT's give me the headstart. I've let this cycle go, and am ready to move forward. Knowing how bad this year has been, it's not altogether surprising that I'd get one last BFN before New Year's Eve, eh? Next cycle happens in a new year, and right now I'm trying to be very optimistic. :)
==================

First of all, congrats to Chronicles of Conception, they just had their baby boy today!

I was perusing Queerstork's blog today, and am borrowing her "Year in Review" list. I realize my responses are a bit depressing, but then again, 2008 was crappy. I am very optimistic about 2009!

I go in for a blood test tomorrow morning, to confirm the BFN. Let's assume it is, in fact, a BFN. If otherwise, I'll post something.

Now, for the Year in Review!

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Tried to get pregnant. Saw what the inside of my uterus looks like. Organized a rally and volunteered at phone banking (Prop 8). I switched careers (left the sales world). Planned a funeral. Learned to knit. Also, went to a UCC Church.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I just wanted to get pregnant, but it didn’t happen. For 2009, I hope to get pregnant, to go to church more often, eat healthier, and get out of my funk.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth
Lots of people! I had four good friends give birth, as well as my sister.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. My Aunt died unexpectedly, and my grandma died a week later.

5. What places did you visit?
We went to LA/Orange County, Napa/Sonoma, Russian River. (Our travel budget is very small, due to TTC costs)

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

Duh, a baby! And a more healthy body.

7. What day from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Watching my grandma pass away, as I held her hand.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

We spent 8 months TTC, and I managed to not drive off a cliff from the insanity of bad doctors, tons of tests, HCG, SHG, hysteroscopy surgery, IUIs, BFNs, etc. (I came close, though) We also switched doctors and donors. Oh, and I transferred my job at work. Took a year to make that happen! Also, made a stretched-canvas art piece from Marimekko fabric.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not getting pregnant. Gaining 20 pounds.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major, but I found out I have many recurring uterine polyps. Had to have them cut out, and they may grow back in a few months. ☹

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our Room & Board sofa. Also, the paint color that allowed us to add an accent wall!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Becky dealt pretty well with me, through the TWWs.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

My mom. I can’t begin to recount the things she’s said and done (on a consistent basis).

14. Where did most of your money go?

Sperm, fertility bills, and baby shower presents! ;)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

First few IUI cycles. Also, this most recent cycle post surgery. Had my hopes up. Also was really excited about opening some wine bottles, like a 1987 Cabernet, 1998 Cab, and a Silver Oak. Also very excited to see my friend’s baby girl just an hour after she was born.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
“Somewhere over the Rainbow” and “What a Wonderful World” by Iz.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?
Sadder. Fatter (20lbs), and poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise, eating healthy, been more social, started fertility drugs sooner.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2008?

Fever and migraine at home. (Couldn’t take Rx because I was on TWW)


21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
No.


22. What are your three favourite photos of 2008?

My cleaned out uterus...photo given to me after hysteroscopy.


23. What was your favourite TV program?

Top Chef, Girls Next Door, Jon & Kate Plus Eight

24. What did you do for your birthday in 2008?
Becky took me out for dinner somewhere nice.

25. What was the best book you read?

One Nation Under Gods (ex-Mormon book) & Big Book of Crosswords ☺

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

israel kamakawiwo'ole (“iz”)

27. What did you want and get?

Got to see KT Tunstall live!!!!

28. What did you want and not get?

A baby in mah belly.

29. What were your favourite three films this year?

Sex & The City. Pineapple Express. I think those are the only two movies I saw this year. (I’m a Netflix kinda girl)

30. Did you make some new friends this year?

I made a couple of friends at work. I retreated from some other friends, for no reason. Also, made some great e-friends through the blogoshpere. ☺

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I’m going to copy Queerstork’s reply and say “Two Pink Lines.” Also, if I had lost 20 pounds, and if my company had gone public.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Sweats and hoodies are my fashion.

33. What kept you sane?

My dog & my girl. Also, one of my work friends, and all of you! It’s been so great to be able to hope, celebrate and cry together.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Prop 8. Nuff said. Well, at Rick Warren being invited to give the invocation.

35. Who did you miss?

My Boston friends. Also, the skinny, happy, athletic person I was a few years ago.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Two friends at work, and all of you!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

No matter what the critics say, Mama Mia is a horrible movie! But seriously, I learned that we’ll have to go through life without any family to support us emotionally (or financially). We’ll just never have parents that want to be close to us, support us, and will ever feel genuinely happy for us. I learned that it’s pretty much impossible for me to lose weight. Ok, I have to end with something positive…so I also learned that it’s better to say yes more often than no.

13DPO. Another negative.

Took a different brand HPT this morning. Not even the faintest hint of a line. Sigh. I'll try once more tomorrow, per doc's instructions, but I think it's game over this time. Oh, but I did gain 3 pounds from the progesterone. Sweet! And it's good to know I suffered through the last two weeks with unmedicated migraines, all for nuthin' :( Will it ever happen for me?

12DPO. BFN.

Took another HPT this morning. BFN. Really starting to lose hope now. :(

Another month of progesterone bloating (and gaining 3lbs from it)..all for nothing!

I'll try once more at 14DPO. Really bummed today. Feeling like it's never gonna happen. Been 8 months now.

I Hate Fertility Friend

The new Pregnancy Estimator. Pfft. I started out at 29, then it dropped to 24, then 20.


Now it's at 16!!! So I hate FF. Anyone else?

Still no symptoms. Less and less every day now. The only thing affecting me is the excess progesterone; it always gets bad the final 4-5 days I'm on the suppositories. Today I was in a FIERCE mood, snapping at Becky, and then I just started crying for no reason. When progesterone gets me like this, I need to be exorcised. :)

On a lighter note, I'll leave you with three pictures of Snap from my cellphone. One is at the beach, one is his Halloween costume, and the last one is his new raincoat!

10DPO. Still nothing.

Nothing to report. The good news is my 3-day migraine is gone. I woke up on Xmas Day with migraine, horrible nausea and threw up about 10 times. At first, was excited, thinking nausea was a preg symptom. But it was the combination of codeine and Imitrex in my system. Last night after dinner had really sharp AF-type cramps in my uterus...I hope that didn't mean the end of my Maybe Baby. Other than that, just a few zits on my face/neck that I don't usually get. Really, I couldn't be MORE asymptomatic. Bbs feel fine. I've even stopped reading most TWW websites, as it's depressing to see all their symptoms.

So while I ride out the rest of this (likely) BFN TWW, I came up with some REVISED Xmas songs.

In our world, here is how some popular Xmas songs would be retitled:

1. "All I Want for Christmas is my Two Pink Lines" / (All I Want for Xmas is my Two Front Teeth)
2. "O' HPT, O' HPT" / (O' Xmas Tree, O' Xmas Tree)
3. "AF Might Be Comin' To Town" / (Santa Clause is Coming To Town)
4. "Jiggle Butt" (from the fat-creating progesterone) / (Jingle Bells)
5. "Oh Come, All Ye TTC'ers" / (Oh Come, All Ye Faithful)
6. "TaTas Roasting Like They're Both on Fire" / Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) - I wish I had this symptom!
7. "The 14 Days of TWW" / (The 12 Days of Xmas)
8. "It's the Most Mindf---ing Time of the Month" / (It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year)
9. "You're a Mean One, Mr BFN" / (You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch)
10. "Frosty the Donor" / (Frosty the Snowman)
11. "Rockin' Around the BFP" / (Rockin' Around the Xmas Tree)
12. "What Symptom is This?" / (What Child is This?)
13. "We Wish You an Easy TWW" / (We Wish You a Merry Xmas)

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, & Happy Holidays!

===Update===
Caved in and did a $Tree HPT. Negative. I know I know, it's only 10dpo. I'll try again in a few days!

8 DPO. Nothing.

That's what I've got, it seems. I've been completely asymptomatic since Monday morning.

Got all excited when my bbs started to hurt, but that lasted 2 hours, 2 days ago... Now? Nothing. I did have a low grade fever again last night for an hour. No sore boobs. No metallic taste in my mouth. No nausea. No cramps or twinges.

Tell you what I DO have, though. A massive migraine. I skipped my half-caf yesterday and ended up with a massive migraine. I tried to power through it, but 6 hours later I had to take another Tylenol #3 w/codeine. that barely took the edge off. We went to a SJ Sharks game last night, and I tried doing anything that might help: I drank a coffee, ate a burrito (comfort food)....

I tossed and turned all night and finally at 3am, I took an Imitrex. That took the headache away, but now I already have another one!

So frustrating. I can't believe how much crap I've put into my body the past 48 hours: 2 Tylenol #3 w/codeines, Imitrex, and coffee. Just can't be good.

This TWW just isn't going well for me. On the upside, I've crossed the halfway mark!

===Update====
I broke down and took another Tylenol w/codeine. This headache is really, really bad. The Tylenol did absolutely nothing. I've had this headache for 2 days now, and it shows no signs of stopping. Pounding all over my head - have to cancel some xmas events. This is really horrible. I don't know what to do. I've already taken a pretty toxic combination of pills for a growing baby. :(

Dangit!!!

So today is 6DPO. I had a horrible migraine last night and took Tylenol #3 w/ codeine. (Doc said it was ok). Luckily, headache went away.

So get this. From 9am-11am today at work, the sides of my ta-ta's were ACHING. Way deep down. Didn't hurt if I touched them, though.

So I was all excited, right? Well after 11am it totally went away. Totally. No twinges to speak of today (in the ute). It's sad, but i actually wish my ta-ta's hurt again. All day long. That way, I'd feel like something's happening.

For those of you who had that achy stuff in your bbs, was it on/off, or constant? I wish I could feel SOME kind of symptom. :( I feel perfectly normal, except for the progesterone bloating.

5DPO Check In

I've made it to 5DPO, imagine that. :) So far no real symptoms, other than massive bloating from progesterone. Right now I still have the HCG shot and progesterone in me, so I'm sure that chemical cocktail is screwing with my head.

NO idea if these are truly symptoms, or just something else...
1) On/off twinges near uterus, belly button, sides
2) Hot flash last night
3) Sharp shooting pains down the backside of my left leg (below my bum). WTH? I haven't had this before, and the pains are infrequent, but annoying. Could be that I've been on the sofa watching a lot of TV. :)
4) Some deep aches in my bbs, that sometimes reach into my armpits. Oddly, my boobs don't hurt when I touch them, though. Still, I think a lot of this is progesterone suppositories.
5) Sharp pain on top of my head for a minute. I think this was the start of a caffeine withdrawal headache, though.
6) I had a dream I got a BFP last night.
7) 1-2 whiteheads on my face. I never get these.

Speaking of caffeine....everyone I know who got pregnant quit coffee/soda/tea cold turkey. Like, they drank NONE, not even decaf. I tried that before, but I get horrible withdrawal headaches that turn into migraines. For those loyal blog followers of mine, you know I get BAD migraines and need my special Rx to get rid of them. The Rx I take is supposedly really bad for fetuses, so I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.

I've decided to drink 1 half-caf a day. I get a tall St@rbcks half-caf, and that usually does the trick. I'm curious to get your thoughts, though. Did you all give up coffee in the TWW/pregnancy? Do you think 1 half-caf a day is ok? (Be honest) :)

Tough 45 days for gays

It's 4DPO, but I am trying not to obsess about symptoms. :) Instead, I wanted to post a short, but reflective commentary on the past 45 days.

The LGBT community has been thrown under the bus so many times recently, and I'm sure we're all a bit exhausted. Nov/Dec were really crappy for us.

Highlights:
1) Prop 8 ads in CA dehumanized the LGBT community, and were very hurtful
2) Prop 8 passed (eff you, 52% of CA)
3) Obama picks Rick-the-Dick Warren to give the inagural invocation. Rick was at the forefront of the Prop 8 campaign in CA. For us CA gays, especially, this pick rubs already raw emotions. I get "reaching across the isle," but there is NO NEED to pander to bigotry, Obama. Pfft. :(
4) US refuses to sign the UN Declaration of Gay Rights, which nearly all other developed countries signed. Suck it, US.
5) The Prop 8 supporters are now asking the Supreme Court to invalidate all 18,000 marriages that occurred when same-sex marriage was legal for 6 months. WTF! They got what they wanted with prop 8, but now it's just getting mean. Leave it to the right wing religitards, who believe SO MUCH in the sanctity of marriage, to actively try and divorce 18,000 committed couples.

I know this sounds bad, but I've had a lot of anger inside me lately. I feel like we just can't get a break. Not just the LGBT community, but also for Becky and I. (with work, financial situation, family) I sometimes tell Becky I hate everything and everybody these days - and that kind of anger is a poison. I do need to work on not internalizing this anger. The past few months, esp with Prop 8 here in CA, have been particularly damaging to our spirits. We've all seen the truly ugly side of humanity lately. And on top of all that, the one guy we fought hard to win, Obama, has sorely turned his back on our community.

I'm having a bit of buyers remorse about Obama right now. Anyone else?

On the upside, I love odd-numbered years. I have a lot of faith that 2009 is going to be a great year, filled with lots of amazing things. Maybe Prop 8 will be overturned by the CA Supreme Court. Maybe Obama will recognize the damage he's done to the LGBT community, and take swift action to instate a national hate crime law, repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and hopefully more. And maybe, just maybe, we'll have our little baby. :)

2DPO.......@*#@*&$(&^@#&!@T@#!!!!!!

The space time continuum has slowed to a crawl. How can it only be 2DPO. I spent about 5 hours last night googling every TWW page in existence. Twice. Not sure what validation I'm looking for there, as the earliest I could have symptoms is 7-10 days from now.

I.AM.GOING.CRAZY.

This is like, totally like, the longest TWW EVERRRRRR.

=====UPDATE #2=====
Oh great. The rep I support wants to take me (and another guy) out for a happy hour Monday night, to say thanks for all our help. He knows I drink like a fish, and now I have to come up with some excuse to say I don't feel like drinking????? When it's going to be super nice wine and he's paying? How focking awkward is this going to be. I can't blend into a crowd either; it's just three of us. god dammit, im so upset right now. nothing is going right today. :(

=====UPDATE#1 ======
It's 2DPO and I'm already losing faith. I got a little excited at first, because I've had a lot of creamy CM (which I THINK is unusual for me, after O). But then I read that early pregnancy signs are a high cervix. Well I just checked mine and it couldn't be lower. It's super low. :( How bad is it, that I'm losing hope at 2DPO???? That is going to make it a much longer TWW. Did any of you who had BFPs have a low cervix during the TWW?

Is it seriously only 1DPO?

*banging head on wall*

IUI#2...now we wait

I had IUI#2 this morning at 9am. 13 million motile swimmers. (Turns out I read the report wrong yesterday; we had 13mm motile swimmers then, too). Still, that's almost 3x improvement over our last donor!

RE had trouble getting the catheter in today, I hope that doesn't mean I ovulated yesterday and my cervix closed up. (More mindfocks) Today is CD15, and the IUI was 38 hours post trigger. (Although I triggered 2 days later than normal) Doc said a released egg can be fertilized for 24 hours, but that doesn't sound right. I've heard it's more like 8 hours? What have you heard?

Now we just wait. I have a feeling this will be a really long TWW. I wish someone could just tell me now if I'm preggers.

And they're off!

Just got home from the doctor. IUI#1 went something like this:

1:30pm: Arrived at RE's office 40 minutes early, so they could thaw the specimen. This arriving-40-min-early was their request.
1:31: Nurse took me to my room, and hands me the specimen analysis sheet. "Umm wait, I thought you weren't going to thaw it until I got here? This says it was thawed 2 hours ago." Nurse: "Oh, uh, yeah, it was thawed earlier this morning."
1:32: I panic and call Becky, who is at work. WTF - why did they thaw it hours earlier, when they know frozen washed sperm only live 6-8 hours? That ate up 25% of it's life!
1:33: Nurse says I can't have IUI until my bladder is full. Since I'm freaking out on time, I drink 4 Nalgenes of water in 5 minutes.
1:34-1:40: Drink copious water, keep texting Becky. IN FULL PANIC NOW ABOUT EARLY SPERM THAWING.
1:45: Bladder is FULL, nurse has me get undressed.
1:45-2pm: waiting, angrily, losing sperm life time
2pm: RE comes in, I ask why the sperm was thawed hours ago. "Oh, we always wash sperm in the morning. Since this needed to be washed, we had to do it this morning." "Wont that affect my chances?" "NO, not at all." "Well, how long do you think sperm last?" "About 6 hours." (Thinking: so you're saying I've now lost 2.5 hours, so about 40% of the time they'll be alive)
2:15: IUI done easily. She does a tummy ultrasound, comments on how full my bladder is (no shit!), and finds my follicle. I haven't ovulated yet (unless it simply filled up with fluid causing a cyst, which I get 50% of the time)
2:15-2:30 - I call Becky, read celeb magazines, and look at my lucky token items.
2:31: Get dressed, pee a bucket's worth in the bathroom, and leave.

So thanks to their morning thaws, I lost 2.5 hours of sperm life. The good news - this donor had 22mm count!!!! holy cow, that's better than our first donor with his lousy 4mm & 5mm counts.

I go back tomorrow at 9am for IUI#2. Please cross your fingers and toes for us! :)

Domestic & Anxious

Quick post - and I'll follow up with more later.

I did get a Smiley face last night (aka surge!), so I triggered at 7pm. Becky is a PRO now - I didn't even feel the needle going in! Of course, that could be due to the extra 10lbs I've packed on in the last four months. :)

My first IUI is 2:15pm today. Ok, now the mindfocks are in high gear. All yesterday, and especially last night, I had major twinges/cramps in my left ovary. Today? Nothing. Nada.

Now I'm worried that my surge was yesterday, and I managed to ovulate soon after. How come all the cramps have stopped? Is today's/tomorrow's IUI way too late? Did the Femara make me ovulate faster, after all? Today is only CD14. I just can't imagine I ovulated on CD13...even if I have a 28-30 day cycle.

I'm baking about 100+ cookies right now, no joke. I'm nervous, so I'm making 4 dozen Pumpkin Chocolate Chip cookies, Peanut Butter Blossoms, and Double Chocolate Peppermint cookies. I'm going to bring them to work tomorrow. (I took today off)

pleasepleaspleasplease dont let my IUIs be too late. !! :(

Still no smiley face???

In the past, I always got my first positive OPK on CD13. Well CD13 is here, I'm just starting to detect early-stage EWCM..but my stupid digital Clearblue OPK didn't detect a surge yet.

However, when I looked at the stick, I could see that the test line was starting to get darker (compared to last night). I know my surges are often fast and difficult to detect....now I'm not sure if this is actually a positive for me?? Or perhaps it's not a positive yet, but will be tonight.

I've taken your advice to test twice daily, which is a good idea. So tonight at 7pm I trigger. Tomorrow I have a 10:45am appt for IUI#1, then Tuesday at 9am is IUI#2.

All things considered....do you think I should move my Monday IUI to later in the afternoon, or keep the 10:45am? If I trigger tonight, tomorrow morning seems too soon. But then again...if my surge is juuuuuuuust starting this morning (but not enough to detect on an OPK), maybe tomorrow morning isn't so bad.

Ahhhhhhhh, this is so frustrating!!!!!! I'm one month back on the TTC train, and I already need therapy! :)

=====Update======
My RE let me change tomorrow's IUI to 2pm, and then I have my second IUI the next morning at 9am. Of course, no matter what I do - I always wonder if it's the right timing. I feel HELLA sharp pains on my left ovary, which freaks me out, thinking I'm ovulating right now. But I've still got creamy CM (sorry, TMI), which tells me I probably have another day before ovulation. Right?

Is this a hint?

Look what arrived in the mail today. My "Baby Mama" DVD, and an "everyone-is-pregnant" celebrity magazine. (Yes, I subscribe to In Touch. Don't judge.)

I'm definitely sensing pre-ovulation signs right now. I did a digital OPK this morning and evening - both negative. I'm 90% positive I will get a positive tomorrow morning. If I do, I think I'll try to bump my Monday IUI to 9am, and schedule a second one for Monday afternoon.

What would you all do? My RE says if I get a positive OPK in the morning (on a weekend), to come in that morning for an IUI. I think that's way too soon. Instead, I'll come in Monday morning. I feel like it's better to schedule a second IUI for late Monday...versus Tuesday morning. That would be 48 hours post surge. Isn't that too late?

Dude. I'm 100% back on the TTC train now, and I'm remembering how awful the stress can be. I really just want it to be over, and have my baby in my arms already!

We went and looked at Xmas decorations with our friends (who just had a cute baby girl). It was great to hang out with them, and I got to practice changing my first diaper in years! :)

Well, we shall see what tomorrow morning's OPK brings...

Not quite ready yet...

I had my CD11 u/s today with my new doctor. As I predicted, CD11 was too early to trigger. Since this is my first month on Femara, we wanted to be careful, though, in case I ovulated early.

Doc said I have one big follie (17mm), and one medium sized one that didn't make it. She recommends I go to 5mg of Femara next month.

Here is the gameplan for the weekend:
Buy a digital OPK, and test Saturday and Sunday mornings (CD12-CD13). If I get a positive, they want me to come in for IUI#1 an hour later (too soon?), and IUI#2 the next morning.

If I don't get a positive OPK over the weekend, I will trigger Sunday night, then come in for IUI#1 on Monday morning, and IUI#2 on Tuesday morning.

Now it's just the waiting game! My worry right now - is that the OPK won't detect my surge (which has been the case in the past)...and I will miss my surge, and get two IUIs next week unknowingly too late.

Ah...all the TTC mindfocks are coming back to me now. How I missed thee. :)

Oh, My Achin' Ovaries

I finished my last Femara pill last night. This last 1-2 days, I haven't had any noticeable side effects. Right now, though, I'm having nonstop twinges/cramps in my left ovary.

Owwwwww.

Did any of you who took Femara also get ovarian twinges around CD8-9? Friday morning is my CD11 u/s, and we'll see what the dealio is. My Ovidrel HCG shot arrived today at work. For those of you who do HCG shots and your insurance doesn't cover them (like mine), have your doctor hook you up with Freedom Pharmacy. It's a mail order system.

I got my Ovidrel shot & overnight FedEx'd to me for $44 total! Includes the shot & overnight shipping. All this time we'd been paying $100 at the local pharmacy.

Owwwwwww.....another ovarian cramp just hit.

A Day in Pictures

Well - I just took Pill #3 of Femara. The past two days, I've had so much energy and little appetite, it's great! Today I felt more sluggish and hungry again. Darn. :)

Here are some pictures from today. Becky and I got our Xmas tree from a mom/pop farm in the Santa Cruz mountains, then on the way back, we stopped for some wine tasting. Here are some pics of the winery and our tree! (I am obsessed with taking pics of vineyards) Can you believe this is all 20 min from our condo??




Ok the one below is cheating. It was taken last weekend, at Ridge Winery - look at how purple my teeth are! it's a bad pic of me, but shows the lovely view.

Day 2 of Femara (Symptoms)

Well, it's Day 2 on Femara. Symptoms so far:

1. Hot flashes. (My cheeks turn beet red and warm)
2. Dizziness (occasionally)
3. Dry mouth at night, and some insomnia
4. Slightly MORE energy
5. Clammy hands
6. Really stiff neck and back

...and my favorite one...*drumroll*....

7. Loss of appetite! I really haven't been as hungry today, and even when I am hungry, nothing really sounds good. Who knows, maybe I'll lose a pound on these pills.

I just hope this turns out to be a safe drug for me to take. While doing a G0ogle image search for 'femara' - one of the results was of a 'femara baby' and it was severely deformed. gulp. I really hope and pray that Femara doesn't do that to my (someday) baby.

But back to lighter subjects, how about that loss of appetite, eh? Me likey longtime.

"Your ovaries look beautiful"

It's funny what constitutes a "compliment" in the TTC world.

Today I had my CD3 appt. I've never had an ultrasound while on my period, so I was somewhat dreading this. (I managed to get some pretty bad IBS all morning, good times) This appt was with my new doctor, at a totally new facility.

They had me remove my, ahem, feminine products, and sit on a potty pad on the exam chair. I waited for 20 minutes, and kept praying she'd come in soon. She did, and the ultrasound wasn't too bad. I suppose they see that stuff every day, right? I go back on CD11 for a mid cycle ultrasound.

So here's the good and the "ok:"

The Good:
- She said my lining looks good, and my ovaries look beautiful
- She had me start Femara tonight. She asked if I wanted to start with 2.5 or 5mg, and I opted for 2.5mg. I first want to see how I respond. She said my odds of multiples go up 10% with 2 pills, so I figure no need to rush into it.
- She said if the timing is right with my IUI, my odds could be up to 15%!
- She got me a good deal on Ovidrel. I've been paying $100, since insurance won't cover it. She helped me use a Rx by mail program, and it's only $44, including FedEx shipping!
- I feel like I'm officially on the TTC wagon again!

Now here's the "OK:"
- Friggin timing! It looks like my IUIs will be next Sat and Sun. They are only open a few hours in the morning which means my IUI's will be 24 hours apart. My RE agreed that ideal timing is late afternoon for IUI#1, then morning for IUI#2. The weekend hours leave a high possibility that I might ovulate inbetween the two IUIs....but the egg will deteriorate before IUI #2. So this is the only thing right now I'm really bummed about.

Overall, though, I feel a strong sense of renewed hope. I go back next Friday for my ultrasound!

Now starts the Femara. I took my first one 3 hours ago, and already feel flushed cheeks. ha. Joy. :)
-

Guess who arrived today???

Well no wonder I've been morose, constantly hungry, craving chocolate, and b*tchy! PMS! I was so worried I wasn't going to get my period this month, and lo and behold, Aunt Flo is HERE. (Seriously, I've never been so exited for my period to start)

I'm meeting my NEW RE on Thursday at noon, for my CD3 appt. New doctor, new donor, and new treatment (Femara). Now I just have to dust off my fertility monitor, start charting on FF, and remember how this whole TTC thing works again. I've forgotten so much!

Ew wait.....what exactly do they do on the CD3 doctor appt? I've never needed one, since I haven't taken Clomid/Femara before. They aren't gonna do an ultrasound, are they? Ewwwwwwwww, but I have my period! Tell me they don't do an ultrasound!

Period, Oh Period - Where are you??

I was supposed to start my period on Saturday or Sunday. Now I'm definitely late. I am so anxious to get this cycle rolling. I've been spotting for 3-4 days now, which makes me upset. I was hoping the hysteroscopy I just had, where they removed 7 polyps, would take care of the spotting issues. I guess I still have other problems, and my body is maybe as crappy as it was before? :(

I've never wanted my period to arrive so badly. Now I'm worried that the hysteroscopy means my period will be effed up this month - maybe just light spotting. How will I know if it's the real period? I'm all worried now that this cycle is a no-go. I can't handle another mindf**k right now.

Aunt Flo, your bed is made and dinner is on the table. Come over! Please!!!!

PS - 2008 still sucks for me. Just at the last month of the year, I'm getting this screwy cycle, and did I mention my grandpa had a heart attack two days ago? They did an angioplasty, and they think he'll hopefully have another 1-2 years. But damn, 2008 is really hitting me with a mean stick. :(
PPS - I'm hoping the fact that I've been starving all day, and am craving chocolate, and am crying is because I am starting my period tomorrow. One can only hope.

Need to pick your brains again

It looks like I'm getting my period today or tomorrow - so exciting!!!! This will hopefully be my first cycle back on the TTC train, after a 4 month pause.

We will be seeing the new RE, and have our new donor vials ready. Starting this cycle, I will be using Femara (or Clomid)

Question for you all:
How did taking Femara (or Clomid) affect your ovulation? I have a pretty regular cycle: 29-30 days, and I'm pretty sure I ovulate around CD15 (+/- 1 day). I've heard that Femara can make you ovulate 2-3 days early. One woman ovulated 5 days earlier!

My new RE said she has patients take Femara (or Clomid) CD3-7, then come in for an U/S on CD12. I'm worried CD12 might be too late? What if I ovulate on that day? That wouldn't leave me enough time to race to pickup the vials.

What do I do?? Should I ask for an U/S on CD11? I'm worried I'll end up paying for like, 5 ultrasounds - until we pinpoint the best time to trigger/IUI.

For any of you who've taken Femara/Clomid, I'd love to hear your experiences. (side effects, ovulation date changes, BFN/BFP, how many follies you had, etc.)

Wow - it's so weird to be back on the TTC train again. I gotta remember how to do this thang again. :)

Hurry Up & Get Here, 2009

Becky and I decided 2008 was a crap year. I have a thing with even/odd numbers - and odd-numbered years always outperform. This year was filled with sadness and disappointment. Some of 2008 highlights:
* After working 80 hour weeks trying to get an internal transfer, Becky was told they no longer had headcount
* My job got really bad (now is somewhat better)
* My aunt died suddenly
* My grandma died a week later
* Prop 8 passed
* The Mormon Church is making it difficult for me to leave, and I've received plenty of hate mail from Mormons
* I gained about 15 pounds
* We had 4 BFNs
* I had cysts, which forced me to lose 2 months of trying
* I had 7 polyps, and had to take 4 months off and undergo surgery
* Fairfax wouldn't refund us for 6 vials at 4mm, 5mm and 6mm counts.
* Our donor sucked, and we never even got 10mm count.
* Economy (my retirement funds are down 40%)
* Dog had surgery to remove cysts, and they are already growing back

I could go on....

But there is hope, and there were some nice things in 2008:
* Obama
* Tremendous post-mortem support for LGBT community after Prop 8
* 3 friends and 1 sister all had baby girls this year. :)
* Some of our fellow bloggers got BFPs!
* I discovered Top Chef, and it inspired me to start cooking
* I found you all! You bloggers have been a true anchor for us, going through this topsy turvy journey. I feel like I've made some friends for life (especially one Roslindale blogger who loves Dunkin Donuts. haha)

2009 is almost here. I have hope that it will be a much better year. We will be pregnant, and Obama will be sworn into office. We hopefully have try #5 coming up in December, so here's hoping for a little luck at the end of 2008. :)

This community makes me so thankful, I just have to say that. :)

Happy Smurf!

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful input on my dilemma. I took your advice to heart, and had decided to tell my boss I had some medical monitoring going on at that time. I was all ready/nervous to tell my boss next week, when...
.... I found out that the December offsite got CANCELED!!!! SO HAPPY! No more worries. I swear, that is my guardian angel at work (because this team never misses an oppty for boozing offsite).
Happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy....

well this sucks

So December is our first "try" in 4 months! This break is killing me. So we are totally ready to start again with the next cycle. It looks like my IUI date will be around 12/14-12/16. Guess what I found out today - my team for ONCE is planning a mandatory offsite in December. And guess what days they are looking at? 12/14-12/16!! A trip to Los Angeles, far far away from my RE.

What do I do, guys? I can't bear to lose another month, I really can't. Not for some stupid work event, and I dont even like most of the people on my team.

I will need to come up with some excuse, but trust me - it's going to look REALLY BAD, and I will lose a lot of favor with my boss and coworkers. I am so devastated right now. I really can't miss another month, especially when my RE said my polyps could start growing again in a few months, so "the sooner the better" on pregnancy.

:( I am so so so upset.

Happy Holidays from Us!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

My new uterus

Sorry if these pics are TMI! I had my post-op just now, and my doc gave me 10 pictures from the surgery. She said my uterus was LOADED with polyps, and she's 100% convinced that's the reason I was unsuccessful at TTC. She said now I have a clean slate, a new beginning. *insert angels singing*

Here are two pictures from the surgery. The first shows my uterus looking "fluffy" - as in, many polyps all over the place. The second one shows a nice, clean uterus after surgery. She also showed me pictures of my fallopian tube openings - that was cool.

Thanks to everyone for their CCB feedback, sounds like most of you have had a good experience! (And I welcome any additional comments readers may have)

Any CCB customers out there?

Assuming my post-op appt goes OK tomorrow, we're hoping for IUI #5 in December. For this next round, we've switched to CA Cryobank (and obviously a new donor).

I'm curious to hear if you've ever used CCB, and what your experience was? Sperm counts? We are really hoping for success. Our last donor from Fairfax was 4-6mm counts - awful!

Also - I'd love to hear your stories if you've used Femara. We will be using Femara (and 2 IUIs). What were your side effects, how many tries did it take with Femara, and how many previous IUIs had you done without drugs?

I'm all ears! :D

Update from Sick Bay

You guys - thanks for all the nice 'get well' messages! Here's the quick update for ya's. Me+sofa=best friends. My doc instructed me not to walk around, not even a nice stroll in the park. I think I know why - when I took my dog for a potty walk, I could feel all kinds of tugging/twinging. Then the inevitable bleeding. I can't stop bleeding!!! It's not a lot - it's maybe like Day 5 of my period. But it's a constant little dribble (sorry, TMI), and very annoying. I just want it to stop.

My friend loaned me Arrested Development Season 1 DVD. I'm almost totally done watching it - it's quite a good show. Being a girl, I have to say I feel fat fat fat sitting here all day in my pjs. Ugh...I really want to get back to kickboxing.

Today B and I are deciding what to do. It's 78 degrees and sunny, which means there is no option but to enjoy the outdoors. Santa Cruz? Monterey? Delightfully, I am reminded that today I can drink again. :D I will take it super easy, of course. Maybe just one glass of something.

My post opp appt is Tuesday, where my doc will confirm if we can "try" in December. You realize what this means!!!!!! (Yes yes, aside from the fact that I only have 4 weeks left of sushi and wine) - that this 4+ month pause from TTC might finally be over.

"TTC Train, 2 tickets, please." :)

Surgery over! My surgery story...

My hysteroscopy was today - it started out really rough. I couldn't eat the entire day before, and I get BAD migraines when I don't eat. My migraine got so bad, i didn't sleep at all last night. I have a superior threshold for pain, and this was a 10/10 - no joke.

At 6:10am, we arrived at the Valley Ambulatory Center. Did some paperwork, they weighed me, took my stats. The nurses were so great. I met my anesthesiologist, and told him I had a horrible migraine, so he promised to give me some strong n@rcotics. I was REALLY faint from the headache and low blood sugar. I faint when dehydrated, so they laid me down. My blood pressure was 106/68, really low. I felt so miserable: starving, throbbing migraine, nausea, faintish.

They put the IV in my hand, and that was pretty freaking painful. They had to do it twice! They upped the IV drip. Becky left to go back to the waiting room, and they lead me to the operating table.

The table looked like something medieval. Big boots to strap your legs into, and they strap your arms out to the sides (like being on a cross). I got really nervous about getting the general anesthesia. The anesthesiologist gave me something to relax me, and the nurses them pinched my neck. (For some reason they need to do this when giving general) He told me he was then giving me a cocktail to help me sleep - I just looked up at the nurse. Within 5 seconds, I felt this very calm sleepiness. I blinked slowly once......then twice.....and that was it. I was worried for nothing! It wasn't scary at all - it felt nice. It was like staying up till 2am watching tv, and then finally laying your head down to sleep. that really good "I'm going to sleep now" feeling, that is similar to the "Milk after eating chocolate cake" feeling. :)

They allowed Becky to wait for me in the recovery room. It took me about 30 minutes to wake up. My eyes were totally blurry - apparently they put this gel over your eyes during surgery, so they can stay open. They rubbed most of it off. I felt REALLY lethargic - I couldn't move. I finally was able to nod. Becky said they had an oxygen mask on me, and took it off. I don't remember that part.

The best part was - my migraine was gone! They must have given me a horse narcotic, because that headache would have hospitalized most people. I felt so great. No headache, no nausea. Just very hungry! And groggy. it took about an hour from the time I woke up, to the time I could sit up and carry an easy conversation. It was nice having Becky there the whole time.

My doctor came by to tell me the news: I not only had 1 giant polyp, but she found 6 other "buds" that would have started growing in the next few months. She was glad I did the surgery, as I had a very hostile uterus environment with 6-7 polyps. The big one was 3 cm long, wow. I was relieved to hear it went well, and she caught those other ones. of course, the other part of me got scared. What if I am prone to chronic polyps??? She said it's possible, and that they could start growing back in a few months. She half-joked that it'll be best if I get pregnant in the near term. Hellz yeah!

Luckily, she feels I should be fine starting up again next cycle. So this time, since my polyps might come back - we're not effing around. It's going to be Fem@ra, HCG, ultrasounds and 2 IUIs. I'm hoping to switch to B's insurance for 2009, and they have a $20,000 lifetime fertility benefit. Only $10 copays! (except for IVF)

I think we might try another 6 months, then consider IVF. If we move to IVF, I will want another HSG and possible hysteroscopy again - just to clear everything out.

I HOPE HOPE HOPE this is what we needed to get pregnant. Damn, I had a giant polyp, 6 budding polyps, a donor with 3mm-5mm counts, etc. Next time I will have a cleaned-out uterus, a new donor, and a new doctor. and new drugs. :)

I was so happy to eat again today - we went to Chevys, and it was like heaven. Still recovering the next few days. feeling groggy, slow, crampy, bleeding like it's day 5 of my period, etc. And a wicked strep-like sore throat from the endotracheal tube. Good times.

We kept the hospital wristband, and hope to start a "Making Baby" journal. Someday our kid(s) will see what we endured in order to bring them into our lives. :)

RIP, Equality

Wow, I am so overdue for a post. We've been very busy the past few weeks, volunteering every minute of our time with NO on 8. Phone banking, tabling, rallies, etc.

I wish I had the energy to write everything going on in my head, but I am exhausted. We're overjoyed that Obama won, and disappointed that CA voters have decided to change our state's constitution to allow discrimination. I've gone from sad, to angry, to destructive, and back to sad. I'm getting very involved with local LGBT groups, as we figure out our next steps. In the meantime, I have resigned from the LDS church and am encouraging others to do so.

Someday I will write down my lengthy thoughts on Prop 8 - for now, I need to recalibrate my head a bit.

Now for some good news - In the past 7 days, two of my lesbian friends have had baby girls! AND my sister just had a baby girl 2 days ago. SO I am surrounded by babies. :) It's definitely reminding me why I'm working so hard to get pregnant. Which brings me to my next topic...

This Thursday is my hysteroscopy. I had my pre-op appt today, and got the "all clear" to move forward with surgery. I am worried about going under general anesthesia, coming out of anesthesia, and that this somehow will not improve my fertility. The are removing at least one polyp. I asked if we can continue TTC the cycle after, and they said I'll need to wait. If they do a lot of work, I may need to wait another cycle. LORD, we will have already waited 5 months!

I just want to get this surgery over with. We're ready for some nice additions to our lives. the past 3 months have been rough - working long hours, my aunt died, my grandma died, Prop 8 passed, and now surgery. We are hoping that 2008 is just a bad bad year, and that 2009 will be better. It will be the year Obama is officially president, and hopefully the year I get pregnant!

Question = for any of you who've had polyps removed, how soon after did you start trying, and how soon after did you get pregnant?

Ok, now I am off to catch up on all your blogs!

Mormons at my door - again! This time, it's personal

Son of a bitch, they did it again. Only this time, it was deliberate. Hear me out, I really need to vent on this one...

Ten days ago, I sent in my formal resignation from the Mormon Church. I cited Prop 8 as my reason. I've read all the "Leaving the Mormon Church" websites, so I sent in the most perfect, undisputable letter. The websites warn that sometimes, in rare cases, they get so desperate and mean - they send a Bishop to your house to prevent you from leaving. Well, guess what happened tonight.

I got home from work, and to my rejoice, I got my letter from Member Records. It says they received my request, and forwarded it to the local Bishop in my town. It said I would hear from the Bishop about my request. I assumed that meant, once it was fulfilled.

You will love this part. I was on my sofa at 7:30pm, watching "Paranormal State" - and it was about a real girl who was possessed. RIGHT at the part where they were doing the exorcism on her, I heard a loud banging on my door. I sensed evil. I thought, maybe it's kids selling candy bars, but I had a feeling they were Mormons. They knocked again, even louder.

I opened the door just a crack, and here is the conversation that ensued:

[Bishop and his cronie] "Hello, Carrie? I'm Bishop So-and-So with the Mormon Church in San Jose. We wanted to stop by, because it looks like you just got added to our church's membership today." (A clear lie! The only way they got my name/address was in my resignation letter! Fuckers.)

[Me]"Umm no, I am formally resigning my membership from the church. I sent a letter to Member Records."
[Them]"Hmmm, are you a new member?"
[Me]"No, I grew up in the church, but haven't gone in a long time. I am now wanting my name formally removed from records."
[Them]"Oh, now you dont need to leave just because you're inactive."
[Me]"No, I would like to leave."
[Them]"How about we send some home teachers over?"
[Me]"No"
[Them]"How about we send you some written materials that you can review? We'd like to keep you in the church. How about we just send those home teachers over?"
[Me]"No, I am not wanting any contact. My letter from Member Records stated the only contact I would receive is from the Bishop, and it would be the final confirmation this has been processed."

So they hemmed and hawed a bit more, and kept trying to play dumb. I was so appalled that they actually came to my house, unannounced! And to think I was so stupid, to believe they hadn't gotten my name/address from my resignation request. NO one just magically appears on a membership role there - you must be baptized, and there's paperwork.

they are so full of lies. I tried to be cordial. They agreed to see what they could do, and that they may be in contact if they need something.

Those fockers! Apparently I have one of those bad wards in my town, where they make it especially hard to leave. I better not get any more unannounced visits. I have a horrible feeling they will continue to play dumb, and not process my request.

I guess I will need to call Member Records again in a month, to see if it has been processed.

THIS CHURCH IS LIKE A CULT!!!!!!!! they make it so easy to join, and impossible to leave. I've already received warning that there are "eternal consequences" of my desired actions. The church kindly wrote me that in their letter.

They need to stay the eff away from my house.

Video & Photos from No on 8 rally

Now that my rally is over, I have some visual goodies for you to enjoy. :)

***VIDEO ALERT!***
One of the attendees created this video from the event: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1COWj7qU8V
(Make sure your sound is up!)

Also, here are some photos from the Rally.
http://picasaweb.google.com/saturyne/NoOn8RallyCampbell

I've copied a few of the photos below. Yay!!!!! I've started mentoring other attendees who want to plan their own rallies now - one 16 year old girl now has 60+ people coming to hers!

Wooot! wooot!

OMG OMG OMG OMG I DID IT!! I DID IT!!!

OMG guys - so the No on 8 rally I planned today. HUGE HUGE SUCCESS! We had approx 175 people!!!! This makes it not only the largest No on 8 rally in the South Bay, but likely within the top 3 of Northern CA!

175 people!!!!! And half of them were straight, and at least half of them were in high school! Youth, who aren't even old enough to vote, were out to support our cause!

What's even greater - I would say, this time, 98% of the response was positive. It was a NONSTOP stream of horns honking. Nonstop. You couldn't even hold a conversation with someone next to you.

We had people honking that were:
- old guys in trucker hats in beater trucks
- Latino families with lots of kids in minivans
- straight families in minivans
- pretty much anyone in a prius (duh)
- senior citizens
- gangsta-looking youth
- average mom and pop
- soccer moms

We had a woman and her 5 year old daughter stop their car, get out and cheer with us. a straight woman and her daughter! (a woman who is very straight, very soccer mom, and her daughter spent 30 min drawing hearts on her sign)

I think in 3 hours and 20,000 cars, I saw 4 people give us a thumbs down/flip off. I'll take those odds anyday! Damn it felt good to pull this off.

I drove to the No on 8 office, and told them. They gave a huge round of applause, as they know normal rallies get 5-10 people. This had 175!!!!! They were shouting the good news to other field officers, around the Bay Area.

OMG - WE DID IT! I feel like I did a really good thing! I (practically) single-handedly organized a rally of 175 people! EFF YEAH!

The Things People Say....

So today I made a map of all 5 No on 8 rallys in my area.... and drove to each one. I had the gayest car ever - with NO on 8 signs on every window. :) I wanted to make sure each little rally got lots of honks. I did a few laps around each one, with my dog in the passenger seat. I got teary eyed a few times, just seeing our community try so hard to gain equal rights.

Becky volunteered at a rally/No on 8 table in downtown WIllow Glen. (This is a few miles from our house - and supposed to be a liberal town). She gave me some sad news - 40% of the response was negative. Over a 2 hour period, at least 10 people yelled foul things from their car. One even stopped his car in the middle of the intersection, to yell out "Die faggots!" And other drivers yelled "Mothereffing faggots!" A whole lot of faggot-calling going on. WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!!!! It's one thing to disagree, but to stoop so low as to yell hateful words...

Now there are three happy stories from her rally:
1) Two old ladies stopped by, and they got married recently. They are coming to my rally tomorrow, which now will have between 100-200 people!
2) An older woman came out of a Starbucks, and said she's already voted no on 8. She gave the No on 8 team Starbucks certificates, so they could get coffee. :)
3) A husband, wife, and their son said they are planning their own No on 8 rally next weekend. I love that!

In general, I am losing faith in humanity. So many mean people, so many mean words. I'm glad when I'm reminded that there are still a few "good ones" left.

But man, I am getting SICK of seeing Yes on 8 lawn signs planted everywhere, tied onto chainlink fences, and Yes on 8 rallies everywhere I turn - on street corners, on highway overpasses. I get really evil thoughts towards them - I know that's bad. (At least I don't shout mean things to them, which keeps me slightly above the monkeys we deal with)

:) Tomorrow is my big rally! Biggest one in the South Bay! Im just hoping we dont have any run-ins or violence breakout. yikes.

I've been a busy gay!

hey guys - I'm still here! I'll post more later....I've been working around the clock on No on Prop 8. I've been working with No on 8, our LGBT Center, and am organizing the biggest (South Bay) No on 8 rally ever! Im getting rally signs made/printed, contacting all the local UCC churches, Lyric, gay orgs, etc. It's easily been 20 manhours this week so far, alone.

So far, just through my Facebook event page: we have over 80 coming, and 200 maybes. Another 500 have been invited, and we're awaiting their response! it's also been posted at tons of gay/gay-friendly locations, so who knows how many will come from there. If any of you will be in the San Jose area this weekend, please let me know - I'll send you the deets.

YOU CAN NOW PHONE BANK FROM ANYWHERE! Screw those Utahns calling CA voters... now you can be the voice of fairness. Click on this link: http://www.noonprop8.com/action/phone-bank/sign-up-to-phone-bank
If you have a phone connected to broadband access, you can call undecided voters. (And moreso now, we are calling supporters of our cause, but just reminded them to vote NO...there have been lots of cases where voters have accidentally voted yes, thinking they were supporting us. oops)

Last but not least, I wantd to send this out. For all of you not in CA, there is a way you can help! please tell Apple how much you appreciate their stance on Prop 8. Details below:

Apple rocks our world today. they publicly came out against Prop 8, and make a donation: www.apple.com/startpage

I called their offices, and asked how we can say thank you.
1) Send a fax directly to Steve Jobs: 408-974-2483
2) Send a letter to PR at their corp address
I also found the emails of several key PR people there. please email all of them, and invite your friends to do the same!

Apple PR
Steve Dowling / dowling@apple.com
Susan Lundren (Apple Legal PR) / slundgren@apple.com
Katie (Global PR) / katiec@apple.com

Let them know how much we appreciate their work!


-Carrie

Being a good gay

First, I apologize that my last post was a bit, shall we say, angry. I've never felt so political, and to see the Mormons on every street corner, holding Yes on 8 signs that are TOTALLY misleading, has been tough. Mormons in Utah are calling CA voters, and have helped move the vote to their side.

I decided to stop complaining about this, and to do something about it. Time to be a good gay, as I jokingly call it.

Here is what we've done in the last 24 hours:
1) We skipped our Saturday plans, and volunteered at the No on 8 San Jose office. Becky did call center help, and I called a list of people who'd said they might be interested in volunteering. Becky called 80 people, and I was able to get 5 official volunteers for this coming week.
2) We went to our downtown Oktoberfest, and there was a No on 8/Obama booth. We got a bunch of No on 8 signs, stickers, and carried them around.
3) We donated another $50 to No on 8, for a grand total of $550 now. We've never donated that much to anything!!! They said each commercial costs $500, so we've helped put one more ad on TV.
4) Two days ago, I sent in my official resignation from the Mormon church. They will now potentially harass and intimidate me, or excommunicate me for voicing my opposition to Prop 8.
5) Today we attended a No on 8 rally in our town. We brought our dog (who wore a No on 8 sticker, as you can see in the pic). There were about 8 people there at first, then eventually up to 15+. It was a three hour event.

A bit on the No on 8 rally...

The cool stuff:
- There was a straight girl there holding a sign, that said "Straight and voting no on 8."
- There was another girl holding a sign that said, "Mormon + No on 8." I was so impressed.
- I realized, technically I AM still Mormon. I made a big sign that said, "Mormon & No on 8." May as well milk my Mormon membership for all it's worth!
- Lots of people honked in support. At least 90% of the response we got was positive. I was surprised at some of the honkers. We saw minorities in minivans with lots of kids honk. Cars full of wife-beater-wearing, trucker hat-wearing frat boys honking in support. Old ladies honked. Straight families with kids in the car honked. Really cool. We had some people shout their support, including one "Eff yeah!!!" :)
- This was my first rally ever, and it felt good to be out there.
- A local newspaper was there, and took pics/interviewed at lot of us. Of course, once the Mormons see me and my sign, I might be immediately excommunicated. Like I care, though.
- Another straight woman came to help us. She'd driven by, and saw us. So she went home, made signs, and came to support.

Now, the ugly stuff:
- We had folks flip us off - I'm sorry, but that is just rude. A thumbs down would have sufficed.
- We also had thumbs down, and people shouting Yes on 8. Honestly, I wasn't phased. It's ok for them to say that. I shouted No on 8 to the Yes on 8 rally yesterday. Tit for tat, I suppose.
- Some jerk guy drove by, and saw me holding my dog. He asked, "So do you want to marry your dog?" He is a cute dog, but no, I don't plan to marry him. Thanks for asking.
- The worst was towards the end. Some car was stopped at a red light. They started yelling really obscene things at us, really inhumane type of things. Then, they started throwing garbage at us, including a water bottle. Sigh. You know what, though, people have it worse than us. Imagine attending a rally in really backwards parts of CA. And I tried to remember what our African American friends went through long ago, being spit on, garbage being poured on their heads, etc.
- Two Mormon missionaries kept circling us. They were nice, and didn't say anything. I don't think they were amused with the "Mormon + No on 8" signs. :)

All in all, it was really nice to be there. I felt like we were doing something. There's another rally being organized for next Sunday. If any of you are in the San Jose area, let me know if you'd like to participate!

Next weekend we'll volunteer again at the No on 8 office, and attend the rally. We're being good gays!

Furious and Enraged

So we were driving back from the gym this morning.. and on the busiest streets (right off the highway) in our town, were 30-40 "YES ON 8" people. (Prop 8 will eliminate the right o gays to be legally married in CA)

They are all holding signs, and they ARE FULL OF LIES!!!! You wanna know what their signs say?

Prop 8 = Freedom of Speech (WTF??)
Prop 8 = Parental Rights (are you effing serious?)
Prop 8 = Religious Freedom

I was so enraged when I saw those lying, misleading signs. How dare they try to steal votes by lying. Prop 8 is NOT about parental rights. I can't believe they have the balls to even suggest that. And religious freedom, freedom of speech? Prop 8 takes that away!

I am so mad. They know the only way to win votes is by totally lying about the subject. There wasnt one sign that said anything about marriage. They may ask well say "Yes on 8 = bringing our troops home" and "Yes on 8 = no more income tax"

Those fuckers - I am so mad. I could tell they were all Mormon, too. I yelled out NO ON 8 to them. They are lying, mean, fuckers. I fucking hate all of them.

I got home and called our LGBT Center. They dont have any rallies planned, just phone banks. They also don't have any NO on 8 signs. sigh. So I called the No on 8 official HQ in SF. They dont have any rallies out here. Just one in SF (really? do we really think a SF rally is most effective?). They finally gave me the # of the San Jose "No on 8" office. They dont have rallies either, but do phone banking. They asked if I can volunteer on election day at polling locations, to hand out no on 8 pamphlets. I'll do that.

I also convinced Becky to volunteer a few hours at the No on 8 office with me. We will try to go today and tomorrow.

Ugh, just so furious, I cant even explain how mad I am right now.

I Haven't Laughed This Hard in Ages

Remember the crazy McCain rally supporter?

SNL "Thursday edition" made a sketch out of her. It was so funny, we watched it twice. I laughed so hard, I could barely regain my breath. Click on the link below and watch the top video. There are TWO times when they introduce her, so keep watching!

Click here to watch the video.

So funny, I promise.

Found out new RE!

After waiting 2 months to get an appointment, we met with a new RE & facility last Friday. This was the last of the fertility docs in the area for us to interview. So far, we hadn't been impressed with anyone else. This lady had been recommended by another lesbian couple, who cried while describing this RE because she'd taken such good care of them.

We really like this doctor. She started the Portola Valley Women's Health.
Why I Loved This Doctor:
* She immediately told me I need individualized fertility help. She said because I'm dealing with frozen sperm, timing is critical.
* She said she believes frozen sperm live 8 hours - I nearly fell off my chair. This is the first time a doctor has agreed that sperm don't live for 3-4 days after IUI, which is what my current RE claims.
* She will let me choose Femara or Clomid. (My current RE pretty much forces you on Clomid)
* She proactively asked me to check my thyroid, since she said my level back in Feb was borderline not normal. My current doc never even brought this up - and apparently low thyroid can prevent pregnancy.
* She recommends ultrasounds immediately before each IUI, to see if I've ovulated yet. (I like this idea)
* Their office is a 15 minute drive from my work office. Versus my current RE, which is a 1 hour drive!!! So sneaking out for appts is very difficult, as I end up missing 3 hours of work.
* She accepts my insurance, and will submit claims.
* She feels that I should get IUIs when my body needs them, not just limited to certain morning hours.

The Drawbacks:
* Only 2 doctors at the facility. Might be hard to get appts??
* No cryostorage. But this is ok. Now that we are using CC, they have a storage facility in Palo Alto. (few miles from this doc)
* They are expensive!!!!! Right now I pay $285 for ultrasounds, and $175 for IUIs. This place charges $370 for each. Monthly fees for two iuis could be $1500, not including $1000 for sperm. ouch.

I think we are going to try using this place for our next few rounds. In the meantime, we will use my current RE for my polyp surgery next month. I will also get my thyroid checked out. I read that your levels to get pregnant and sustain pregnancy need to be 1-2. Mine was 2.9. (The threshold for "normal" is 1-3, so I am borderline)

I am just glad we made some progress, and found a new doctor! Let's hope her prices make up for the promised individualized attention. I am so ready to get back on the TTC wagon again...alas, I have to wait two months still.

PS - I am so proud of my girl! She is painfully shy, especially on the phone. She 'cowboy'd up' and is volunteering at the Prop 8 phone bank tonight at the LGBT center in San Jose! I am too afraid of phone solicitation, but I am so proud of her for doing this. She really stepped up her game.
PPS - Speaking of games, I am MORTIFIED at how the Red Sox played yesterday!

Just a quickie.. (that's what she said)

My head cold is finally getting better, but I made an executive decision today. I told my doctor I am opting out of my surgery next week. I just don't want to be under general anesthesia while recovering from a chest infection/cold. Maybe I'm a wuss, but I just don't want to do anything stupid.

Not to mention, in the last two weeks my aunt and grandma both died. I think I need to put more space between their deaths, and my surgery. For my sake, and for my family's sake.

Gosh though, I hate that this delays TTC another 2 months. We started trying in April, and we've only been able to try 4 times! Our next try won't be until December/January! :( We will do Try #5 w/no drugs, but if it gets to Try #6 - we are starting Femara.

Tomorrow we interview a potential new RE & facility, and one much closer to where I work. (a 10 minute drive, versus my current 1 hour drive - yes, each way!) This will make escaping for my myriad appointments a bit easier.

I heart Levis

So most of you are probably aware of Proposition 8. (The measure which would eliminate the rights of same-sex couples to marry in CA). Prop 8 is getting tons of funding by religious groups.

Levis just made a huge donation to the fight AGAINST Prop 8. Yay Levis!!!!!! Yay for them believing in equality.

I found this link, where you can write an email to the company. Select the "company feedback" option. If you can, please take the time to write them - and thank them for their donation/supporting equality. :)

http://www.levistrauss.com/Company/ContactUsForm.aspx?loc=

sickies

I have an incredible head cold. My breathing is heavy, my head is all foggy and pressurized, I'm sneezing, my lungs feel filled with phlegm, and my nose is stuffy. Oh, and I started my period today. I'm supposed to have my surgery next Tue or Wed, but now I think I have to decline. I don't think they will put me under general anesthesia while I am so sick. Not to mention, I would opt out of it, anyway. Given that general anesthesia makes your lungs stop working, so you require constant artificial respiration - I'd rather not have two lungs filled with phlegm.

I left my doc a message about this, and as usual, they haven't called back. last week I called to reschedule my surgery (since I hadn't started my period yet), and they didn't call back all week. I left them 4 messages. They suck. We interview a new facility this Friday, thank god.

Just bummed that now we may have to wait another month for surgery. Which means another 2 months before we can try again. We'll end up with 4-5 tries between April and Dec! Lame.

Even lamer, Becky tells me the polls now show californians in favor of Prop 8. Looks like it will pass, after all. Friggin Mormons. Friggin Catholics. Friggin religious right. Bah humbug.

Getting back into the swing of things

Made it through my grandma's funeral yesterday - I cried more than expected while giving my speech. It was a very sweet service, and we celebrated grandma's long life.

Since my sister and her family are in town, we met up this morning. Took the kids to "The Jungle" - a really cool spot for kids. My nephews love me, which is so sweet. They are only 2.5 and 4 years old, but they constantly shout out "Aunt Carrie! Aunt Carrie!" They wanted me to witness everything they were doing. Spent the whole day with them, and now I'm admittedly exhausted.

After spending the day with two tots, it reminds me how much work it is to have kids. Wow. I was exhausted only a few hours in! I better toughen up if I'm supposed to be a mom someday. :)

Last but not least, my surgery is being pushed out at least a week. I was supposed to have surgery in 4 days, on the 10th day of my cycle. Since my period still hasn't started, I'll need to wait another week or so. I've never had a late period, and it's already almost a week late! I wonder what's screwing up my cycle?

Ok now time to read all of your posts, and catch up!

Another one bites the dust

Well - if you can believe it, my family has now had a second death in the last 7 days. As you my recall, my aunt passed unexpectedly last Sunday. My grandma has now passed away 2 days ago. What's remarkable, is that my grandma's health nosedived after my aunt died, and grams left the earth exactly one week later. Almost to the minute.

I'm so fortunate to have been at my grandma's side. I've spent the past few days at her house, and the day she died I'd been holding her hand since 7am. The family is grateful she passed, as she's been in considerable pain the past few years. And now we know she, and my aunt, have a buddy up there.

One funny thing.... my grandma and I were very close. Every time I'd see her, she'd always usher me into the back room before she left. She'd slip me a $20 bill. Normally I wouldn't accept money from an old lady, but it made her happy to do that, so I would accept it. She did this every time I saw her, seriously. The past 2 years she's been too sick to do anything.

Yesterday I spent 10 hours going through her things, helping with funeral arrangements...and very randomly came upon her purse. It was kind of hidden. My mom and I looked at the contents, and put them back. After my mom left, for some ODD reason, I was urged to pull her scarf out once more to see it. As I pulled it out, a perfectly folded $20 bill appeared. My grandma wanted to slip me that last $20 bill. I took the $20, but will never spend it. I'll put it in a special place where I can remember her generosity. :)

Have you guys seen this?

Pretty funny mock Sarah Palin trailer from College Humor.

Refund?

Hey guys

So I got my letter from Fairfax today. They denied most of our claims, since the vials had been outside their facility for more than 60 days. sigh.
They did mention the most recent vial was substandard: 4mm motile sperm. It also had been at their facility until right before the IUI.

Even still, they said we get a partial refund of $243. Is this normal? Why wouldn't they refund us the full $450? They gave us a shoddy product that didn't meet guarantees....and yet they still only refund 50%? Is this the norm, or should we have expected the full amount?

What pisses me off, is that their crappy product not only cost us for the vial, but we also spend $$ on shipping, storage, monitoring, IUI and blood test. So their crappy product cost us around $1,000 for an IUI in vain.

For those that have filed complaints, have you only gotten a partial refund, or the full amount?