I'm a bad friend

So....I'm just going to be honest with you all. I'm a bad friend. I learned this over the past 48 hours.

At first, it was a half-joke to be "really upset" when I saw other pregnant women. Well, I've crossed that line. Now it does really upset me, and it's no longer the half-joke when I frown at seeing pregnant lady. I'm surrounded by pregnant bellies. It's like a new world order. Everyone must get pregnant, except for me.

Have you ever had that horrible feeling of "it's just never going to happen for me?" To my horror, I'm already feeling that way. Once you lose hope, it's a really unbearable feeling. I know, it's too early to lose hope. I'm sure I'll bounce back.

Officially, as of yesterday, ALL of my gay friends trying to have kids are now pregnant. Every single one of them, but me. Every. single. one. Not to mention almost all of my straight friends are now pregnant, too.

There is some odd solace in knowing you have at least one friend who is struggling with the same problem as you, whether it be being single, or TTC. We had one set of friends left, that had been TTC for 5 months. It's like an unofficial club forms, where you're both automatically members. "We are in the TTC club."

Well, we got a voicemail yesterday from that friend, saying "I'm 5 months pregnant!" We haven't seen her in 2 months, and she hadn't told us sooner because she was told she might lose the baby.

In one breath, I am so happy for her and her partner. In the other breath, I am verging on crying all day. I'm sad. Sad that they had the good luck we didn't have. Sad that today, our OTHER gay couple friend are helping her shop for maternity clothes. It's like this amazing rite of passage that we're trying so hard to reach, yet we still don't have an invitation.

This is what makes me a bad friend. I'm happy for her, sad for us. And in a small way, I wish she was still TTC, so that I'd have my "buddy." Now, I feel as though something is wrong with me. Everyone else has become pregnant, and they are all in a different world. that world you're in when you're pregnant. But we're not. We're still not invited.

A friend once told me, "Trying to get pregnant is like applying for the biggest job of your life. You go in, each month, spend 10 hours in interviews, and each time you get soundly rejected. And yet, you have to go back a few weeks later and apply all over again."

That's a good analogy. I offer another analogy. It's like planning a big, big party. Pulling out all the stops, you put tons of effort, time, and money into planning this big party. And each month, no one comes. So you take down all the decorations, eat the cake yourself, pour the punch down the sink.....and start planning the same damn party again next month. It gets harder and harder each month, when no one comes.