What goes on inside my brain

I'm sure many of you can relate to this. Below is a common scenario, that runs through my head. It's one giant run-on, non-linear thought. The entire string of thoughts/emotions below, actually takes place over a 5 second period. Five seconds, here we go:

"Why am I not pregnant yet, all my friends are pregnant. My mom and sister always got pregnant on the first try but i guess they had fresh sperm. but they both had kids in their 20's, and now i'm 32...and a half. maybe i started having kids too late? maybe my uterus no longer works properly? what if i never get pregnant, what if there's something gravely wrong with my body, and im spending $1,000 a month for nothing? how will my doctors ever realize that it's ME? But maybe it's our donor - his vials have had low counts. should we go with a new donor? no no, we like this donor the best. should we use two vials each month? two vials, one iui? two vials, two iuis? How long after the trigger should we time it? have we been timing the IUI wrong? what if i should be doing 24 + 36 hours? should i be using clomid yet? oh look, another new mom just walked by. look at her cute baby girl. i want a baby. i bet she got pregnant on the first try, and doesnt even know about ovulation. i bet she's never had to chart her CM, and get magic wand ultrasounds. she has no idea how lucky she is. now she gets to have a baby, and i never will. im going to be that sad old lady with no kids. should we do ivf? what if it doesn't work? and im so sick of losing control over my body. im so FAT FAT FAT! ive gained 12 pounds since April, when we started. i focking hate progesterone, they make me gain so much weight. im so sick of getting fatter and fatter, and i dont fit into my clothes. what if i dont get pregnant for a year, and i gain 100 pounds in that time? oh no! if I am getting this fat, then i definitely can't get pregnant. ive never been so out of shape. no egg is going to implant in my fat fat uterus. my fat broken, out of order uterus. why is everyone having babies so easily? when it is my turn? is there really something wrong with me?"

Somehow that entire inner monologue happens within a 5 second flash. Well kiddies, I'm flying up to Seattle today....I will be there all week on business. I hope to continue updating/reading your blogs during my trip!

So bummed.

Bloodwork today came back negative. I was starting to get my hopes up again. the last two days, I've woken up super nauseas, and have been vomiting on and off. completely morning sickness, or how i'd imagine it to be.

And now we start the fucking process over again. pardon my french.

I'm mad at our donor. 6MM count! He hasn't had one vial meet the 10MM minimum. We still have 5 vials, so next month we'll use two of them. We do like this donor more than the rest.

Next cycle might be our last before trying Clomid. We will do the HCG trigger shot. Question for you (esp ones who've gotten preggo): How long after trigger shot did you have your IUI?

13DPO - rude awakening

Today's not starting off so well. After two weeks of no migraines, I woke up today with a full-blown one. My head is pounding, and I can't take my Rx.

Then, I took a HPT - and it was negative. I even dug it out of the trash can an hour later, to see if there was a faint line. Nope. Definitely negative.

I'm sad.

12DPO...hanging in

Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of my TWW...

So maybe I'm PMS. I've been hungry as a horse all day, but that's a normal PMS symptom for me. I also got my usual PMS headache this afternoon. My lower back kinda hurts, and that's my PMS #3 symptom. I know, some women feel super PMS before they get a BFP. It's just a waiting game now!

We made amends

So my earlier post (villianizing my woman) was written in either:
A) Pregnancy-induced hormones
B) Progesterone/Residual HCG-induced hormones
C) PMS-psycho-biotch-induced hormones

After producing my best "cold shoulder/pout" routine, Becky apologized for not being sensitive. As a peace offering, she gave me a foot rub. (Which, fyi, is the way to my heart and utter forgiveness)

All is good at Casa de Crazy, tonight! Sleeping in the same bed tonight, after all. haha. :)

11 DPO. 3 more days to go. (and domestic dispute)

Hey guys. Well, still no real symptoms. Everything has really tapered off.
I still haven't gotten a headache....which is crazy weird.

I'm obsessing, bare chested, in front of every bathroom mirror I can find. Sometimes my boobs look slightly more veiny, sometimes not. They definitely are more veiny then the last two times. I'm also noticing more prominent veins near my pelvis (in front of my inner thighs). Maybe I'm always veiny there? I do feel like I can see some veins more prominently.

Now a question for those of you who've had BFPs.... did you notice that parts of your body appeared slightly more veiny? Legs, groin area, boobs?
I still feel like I should be experiencing really heavy/sore/veiny boobs. Mine are just hanging out, watching the world go by.

And Becky is in the dog house today. I could barely drive home, I've been overcome with this horrible, body-draining exhaustion. All I could do was lay down on the sofa. She called me from work, and got mad at me for not taking the dog out to pee. (He was sleeping!) She went off on me, saying this concerns her, and that am I just going to let a baby cry, and say I can't take care of it because I'm "too tired?" WTF. Whether it's progesterone or pregnancy that's causing this unusual tiredness, I wish she could be a little more understanding. I'm so angry at her attitude right now, I'm concerned she's not going to be a good copilot through a pregnancy. Pfffft!

10DPO, and nothin'

Hmmm. Despite my lack of migraines during the TWW (which, in itself, is remarkable).... I really have no symptoms now.
No twinges. No sore boobs. No implantation spotting. No nausea. Nothing. Everytime I went to the bathroom today at work, I'd pull up my shirt and see if my boobs are veiny yet. Or poke them to see if they hurt. Nothing. And when I pee, I wipe like 5x, hoping to see the slightest suggestion of implantation spotting. Nothing.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared.