I've come to the conclusion that I will never know what it's like to have a loving parent. My dad is a long-lost loser, and wouldn't donate blood to save my life. My mom thinks she is a saint, when she is the most selfish, self-absorbed, cruel, bigoted person I've encountered.
It's not even worth going into detail - with the email exchange I just had with her. Let's just say I need to be talked down from the ledge. I fucking hate this piece of shit woman, and yes, I'm talking about my mom.
I just have to remind myself, that this is the same woman who's said:
"You being gay has ruined my life."
"It's child abuse if you have kids."
"I will never love your kids, like I love your sister's children."
"Hey, I gotta look out for #1" (when she told my sister she wouldn't help her out)
"You don't often see fat Chinese kids." (said outloud, in front of a Korean family)
"Slavery was good, because it gave black people something to do."
...Not to mention she donated $500 to the Yes on 8 campaign.
For those of you who have turbulent relationships with your mothers, how do you handle it? I want to block her out of my life, but she keep creeping in. She is the most annoying kind of asshole; the kind that thinks they are a saint, and never see the damage they do. If anything, if YOU call her on her actions, she'll first deny them completely, then accuse you of being the jerk for saying such mean things about her. Ultimately, it's YOU who is deemed the asshole.
Lord help me. I hate my family so much. Why didn't you give me ONE good fucking person in my family????? I have this large family, yet I'm completely alone because they are all fuckwits. They all see me as the sad loser in the family, because I'm the only one who is gay, who isn't "married" and I'm childless. That gives you zero value in my Mormon family.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I really hate my mom
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16 comments:
This really sucks, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I can't say I know what this is like, though I do have grandparents like this.
I wish you good luck staying true to yourself and trying not to let your mom get to you. :( I know that's easier said than done.
10footpoet.com
I share your frustrations. I just finished reading/highlighting/dog-earing the book Toxic Parents. It showed me that I wasn't crazy, and that I could finally let go of the fantasy that my parents were going to change someday.
Right now I haven't spoken to my mother since January and don't plan to for a while (if ever again). It's not that I don't love her, but being away from her is better for my emotional and mental state right now. I'll send her a card for Mother's Day but that's it.
I'm so sorry. I have no good advice. But just support for you to say that distance and not engaging might be necessary for awhile. Lots of love. Focus on how solid your relationship is, how you've built a good family of friends around you, and how no one deserves the kinds of things she says to you. Sounds like she is a deep down unhappy person, to say such hurtful things all the time. But she may never realize that, ever. And it isn't your job to make her realize it or deal with it, or change. It's only your job to take care of you. Lots of love.
we'll be your family, hon.' big ((hugs)).
Many many many hugs. I have my own rocky relationship with my father, and while he hurts people unintentionally, it's never anything that severe. For some people, cutting them out is what's needed. I don't know if that would be good for you or not. Both J and I got a lot out of a book called Why Do I Love These People? (if I recall correctly), with various stories about people who have hard relationships, and what they've done. What works for some people doesn't work for all. Whatever your choice is, you've got us here to love and support you, just remember that. *hugs*
Ugggg...this sucks. You do not deserve this, really no one deserves this amount of disrespect. Really do not have any brillant advise for shitty parents. Tiff and I deal with our own parental issues, mostly being that her mother is a born-again Christian and Tiff is scared to tell her of the pregnancy. Why do parents do this crap to their own children? When I told my mom about the BFP, her first response was, "I'm too young to be a grandma"...nice. Love and hugs.
I'm so very sorry. I can't share from personal experience but have learned from others that it's important for you to do what's right for you and the family you have created and to really have little to know expectations of her.
Wow! That sucks!! I have a very self absorbed mother as well. She's not as vocal about stuff as your Mom but has said her fair share of horrible things.
No matter what our parents do or say to us we feel an obligation as their child to continue contact which keeps the door open for their bullshit. Only you know what you can handle. You have to think about your well being, your quality of life, how she will affect YOUR family and what I mean by your family is your wife and future child. That is the family unit that really matters at the end of the day. I wish you the best.
I just want to add one thing that might be to much but I feel I have to say. Even though everyone is different I will say that if I were you I would be cutting that tie. You don't have to do that. We are different but if you want to know what I would do that is it.
So when I first read your post I thought, shit, that sucks. I am really lucky. Then, about half way through the comments, I remembered that I have a fuckwit for a bio-dad. 9 years ago I cut him out of my life completely. I have only thought about contacting him once. I thought that maybe he had changed, grown up, whatever. He hasn't. He won't. And if he did, it should be him tracking me down to apologize for all of the awfulness he put my mother, sister and I through. So... I'm not saying that this would be the right decision for you, but it was probably one of the best acts of self preservation I have committed. I'm sorry your mother is such a C U Next Tuesday. And I'm sorry the rest of your family sucks. You don't deserve it.
This post has disturbed me all day. What I want to say is "Set firm limits and if she cannot follow them, walk away." However, she is your mom and our connections to mom, home and family run far deeper than glib advice could suffice for. Honestly, I don't know what I would do. My mom does some painful things in her selfishness but she does respect the boundaries I put in place. And even under these conditions, I need breaks from her. So in your shoes? I am not sure. I think I would send the setting-firm-limits email but anticipate that she might never be able to follow your rules. Then what? Can you walk away? Can you just limit your contact?
Such a very very hard situation and my heart hurts for you.
Wish I could make it better for you. I'm so sorry you've been hurt over and over again.
HUGS.
Carrie,
I am so sad for you reading this post. You have been through so much in your quest TTC and to have your family keep hurting you on top of it is really too much stress.
I have been in similar situations and the only thing that has worked for me is true tough love.
When you say, "I want to block her out of my life, but she keeps creeping in," I would say ask yourself "do I really want to block her out of my life?" Because if you truly do, then you must in order to give yourself some peace. It doesn't have to be forever, but perhaps look at it as a trial run.
I did this a few times with my father and now he is out of my life completely. The same with my brother who is "glad he believes in God because it's the only way he could love someone like me".
My mother I have had to shut out multiple times, never knowing how long it was going to be.
I simply wouldn't answer her calls, return her calls or emails until I was ready. One time that was longer than a year.
Now, she has come around. The thought of losing her daughter made her re-evaluate some things in her life and how she was acting--so much so that we can have a relationship again.
Only you can choose which path you'll walk down, but I really hope you can find the strength from the people around you who do love and support you.
You deserve a live full of love and happiness just as much as anyone in the rest of your family.
Sorry I took up so much space. If you want to talk off line, I'd be glad to hear from you.
My parents said a lot of hurtful things when I came out to them and when my partner was pregnant, but after our son was born and time has passed, they've become a lot more accepting. I hope that things will get better for you, too. :)
This may not be helpful but I hate your mom too. I hope that you're soon able to create your own little family so that you're surrounded by people who support and love you no matter what... kind of the way we all do.
hugs to you.
I just got around to reading this... I feel EXACTLY the same about my family.... my mum is an asshole... i just stay detached from her... and she comes o ver when it suits her (only!) and tells us what we are doing wrong with Ava... its non stop... she knows I give her the cold shoulder... so i dont know the answer... but i know how you feel!
Oh my gosh Carrie.
I am so so so sorry...
Oh my gosh.
I know how hard the mother-daughter relationship can be...and I'm just sitting here with my jaw dropped open.
It's so unbelievably sad....she will be missing out on so much.
Thinking of you through EVERYTHING you're going through.
xo
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