First, I wanted to thank everyone for their breastfeeding comments. I read them all 100x, and took something from each one. I know in the end I'll have to do with what feels best and right for my situation, and I'm still working to figure out what that is.
A few updates at 2.5 weeks!
* Sam is just starting to be more alert at times, and pays attention to things. It doesn't last too long..usually ends with her crying or sleeping.
* She loves her swing, loves car rides. We took her for a nice drive yesterday, and for a picnic at this gorgeous park today.
* Poor kid has developed a hellacious case of baby acne. We lost count, but we were up to 100+ whiteheads on her face. I feel so bad about it. Obviously it doesn't bother her, I just miss seeing her little soft cheeks. She has pimples on her eyelids, even! Did any of your kids have bad acne? Is it weird she developed it at 2 weeks? I hope they go away soon. Of course she's still super cute despite her zits. :)
* Sam hates tummy time. This may change.
* Sam also hates skin on skin/laying on my chest. This kind of bums me out, as I love the idea of her nestling into me. She doesn't like being held that way, and doesn't particularly seem to care if we're holding her at all (or not). I sure hope she becomes a TAD more clingy. :) Maybe she's just still too young? I get jealous when I see people holding their newborns on their chests. Sam just isn't into it. She screams bloody murder. She's happier in her boppy or bassinet. (or swing)
* Her cord stump fell off today! I kept it. :)
How are Mama/Mommy Doing:
* Becky's been great - doing lots of errands/cleaning. She changes most of the diapers and dresses SAm, since I'm usually chained to my pump every 3 hours. She's definitely feeling the lack of sleep.
* I'm horribly sleep deprived, but am terrible at taking naps during the day. I had baby blues the first week after delivery, where I just cried 24/7. It was just the massive hormone shift. I feel like part of it is coming back lately...I have moments where I just want to cry. I can't even pinpoint why. Maybe it's feeling hopeless about my parenting skills, the lack of sleep, but I think 90% of it is the feeding issues. I know it's hard for everyone, and it's hitting me especially hard. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I can't even convince myself anymore that I enjoy breastfeeding. Also, I think the fact that Sam doesn't like to be held/snuggled on my chest makes me feel bad. I long for that closeness (versus the closeness from breastfeeding), and I'm not getting it. It's not her fault, maybe it's uncomfortable for her. I know I shouldn't take it personally, and I'll try not to let my hormones get in the way. I'm sure as she gets a bit older, more lucid, more connected to those around her - she'll be as clingy as ever. :)
Breastfeeding update:
I'll actually post a longer update this week, as I have so much emotion to release on it. Long story short, I'm still pumping every 3 hours (allowing myself to skip one session for sanity sake). I'm trying so hard to breastfeed at least 4-5x a day (prior to pumping). The good news is her latch has improved. It still takes effort (and 100 re-latches per session), but I'd say on a good day she ultimately latches 25% of the time. The big problem still exists: She doesn't suck efficiently on the breast. This is assuming I can keep her awake for 10-20 minutes, which rarely happens. But let's say she latches, AND mostly stays awake for 10-20 min. She sucks, but barely ingests much. Then she stops wanting the boob, and screams from being hungry and we have to give her a bottle...and she'll eat 2oz! (That's her normal volume when we bottle feed) When I pump after, I get about 90% of my usual volume, so she is getting maybe 1/2 ounce in 20 minutes.
If my only problem was the latch, I'd feel good since things are improving. The fact that I have to struggle so hard to get her to stay awake, and knowing that 30 minutes of my efforts amount to her NOT getting more than a nibble...and meaning we have to give her a bottle of expressed milk AND I have to pump my full boobies - is making this almost too draining for me. I honestly am happier bottle feeding her expressed milk and pumping, yet I don't want to fail at breastfeeding. I feel like everyone else was able to do it...and if I give up it somehow means I'm not up to par as a mom. LIke I am inadequate and terrible to give up on my kid so easily. If a friend told me SHE felt that way about her situation, I'd say she was crazy and of course she's a terrific mom.
I am 100% dedicated to pumping around the clock to give Sam bmilk until she's 9-12 months. I am trying so very hard to stick with breastfeeding at least a few sessions a day. My mini goal is to get to 4 weeks. My longterm goal is to stick it out till 8 weeks. If at 8 weeks we're still in a holding pattern, I may just decide to pump and bottle feed expressed milk. I'm so much happier doing that. For me personally, I feel so much more closeness to her when I bottle feed. is that weird? I love the way I can hold her when bottle feeding, and how we can make eye contact.
Gawd, me and my long blog posts lately!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
2.5 weeks (and bfeeding update)
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5 comments:
Just sending you some support. You are in the middle of the hardest times right now. Getting adjusted to everything, the hormone shifts (those are such a bitch), and the lack of sleep makes us all feel like crying. Give yourself a break. You are doing great. If breast feeding doesn't work out, that does NOT mean you aren't a fabulous mom. Not at all. In fact I think most people would say that a mom that pumps and feeds EBM exclusively works A LOT harder than those who just breast feed. (I know you know this but I am hoping hearing a complete stranger tell you this will help it to sink in a little bit).
Hang in there. Once she starts smiling and engaging it will get so much better. The beginning is the hardest. Not to be weird stalker-ish, but I think I live near you guys so if you ever need someone to stop by and give advice or meet for coffee to talk from someone who totally gets it, please feel free to email me. I am a single mom who went through it twice, so I totally know. Hang in there, you are doing great!
sending support also! i promise, it gets easier. it really does.
The baby acne is totally normal, and will go away on its own. It is all those crazy hormones we have!
Hang in there. You're doing great!
Give yourself a break. You are not failing at breastfeeding! You're pumping like crazy so she can get the nutritional benefit of the breastmilk and you're bonding with her through bottle-feeding thru holding and eye-contact. To me, those two things sound like breastfeeding success.
You guys are doing a fantastic job!
I am just catching up on your posts....so hard to get time to read and respond with a toddler and busy work schedule.
I just wanted to send you a BIG virtual hug with the breastfeeding stuff.
I remember how hard it was at the beginning. I would cry and cry while I was trying to fed Little J. It felt so overwhelming. I felt like the only time I spent with him I was feeding him. I had no issue with supply and I didn't have issues with latch or appetite - I remember thinking about that when I was going through it...I have it easy and this is friggin' HARD! I thought about quitting and we started to use pumped bottles at about 3 weeks.
Finally I met with a lactation consultant and a support group for BFing moms and I set my goal at 6 weeks exclusive breast milk. By 6 weeks it was easy...not just adequate, but easy. I was obsessional about keeping a list: when I fed, what side I started on, what hold I was using, how long on each side, any issues that he had eating, etc. Made me feel more in control.
It is a crazy, crazy process and I'm glad that Sam is getting better at it. I think it will feel better to you soon too.
Don't forget to take care of yourself - sleep when you can, eat good food, drink TONS of water, go out for walks, talk to Becky a LOT!
What ever way you nourish your daughter, she will be fine. You are good moms and you will take good care of your child. There are tons of RIGHT ways to do this.
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