Not sure what it is (exhaustion, baby blues, maybe even a touch of PPD).... but this morning I hit a wall. I was so exhausted when the 9am alarm went off (signaling it was time to feed Sam). I had no stamina or interest in breastfeeding or even PUMPING! I felt depressed, and just wanted to crawl into bed. I wanted nothing to do with my boobies. I woke Becky up and asked if she could bottle feed Sam some expressed milk. I just laid down on the bed for another 90 minutes.
It kind of scared me that I didn't even pump. I just couldn't handle the 'every 2-3 hours' cycle, and needed a break. Plus, I haven't mentioned this yet, but pumping is extremely painful for me. Even at the slightest suction level, my nips get incredibly red, purple, and swollen. Within a minute, they get swollen to the size of very large gumdrops, and are painful to the touch. Nothing can touch them all day, and it's agony to pump now. As each 3 hour cycle starts, I dread sticking my boobs in those damn flanges to pump again.
I know I'm doing it for a good cause, and I do need to stick to at least every 3-4 hours to keep supply up. I've tried larger flanges, but it didn't help. I think I just have horribly sensitive nips.
I haven't breastfed (naturally) once today. I just.can't.do.it. We've bottle fed expressed milk, and I finally mustered the will to resume pumping. (Pumped 7oz after skipping that session!) I tried briefly to get her to latch at 3pm, but she refused over and over. After 5 tries, I quickly gave up and used the nipple shield. She actually sucked for 18 minutes, a record. That was the only time I've not bottle fed her today. I feel sad and guilty about not pushing myself harder to bfeed today, but after hitting that wall, I knew I desperately needed a break.
...I'm starting to realize just how long pumping/feeding for 6-12 months really is. If only the damn pumping could be easy, I can't believe THAT option is now incredibly painful. Arrrrrgh.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday Meltdown!
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15 comments:
*HUGS*
Right now is a hard time as it is, with the hormones playing merry hell with you. It's a wall, and it hits you but hard. You shouldn't feel bad, it's totally normal. And only exacerbated by the pain, I can't even imagine. Much love to you.
Small goals!
Are you putting any nipple cream or olive oil on your nips?
I also had extreme pain pumping till I saw a lactation consultant who told me I was using the wrong size cup. She switched it out and it was magically better. Hang in, as long as you can. Once I got to 4 weeks kiddo slowed down and it worked without a sheild and it was mostly pain free.
sorry you are having a hard time with pumping and all the crazy hormones. the hormones do hit really hard for the first month to six weeks after birth which makes bf or pumping even harder. what helped me with the painful tender nips was lots of cream or oil (if you do bf just clean them off first), cool compress, and leaving them exposed to air as much as possible. hang in there mommy, you are doing great! and sam is just beautiful!
*hugs*
Aw no! Sounds like no fun at all. Don't beat yourself up; do what you need to do. I second the advice about nipple cream or olive oil; I've also heard nursing mothers swear by putting cabbage leaves inside their bra cups. I hope you find something to bring you relief, but it you don't and you have to switch to formula... Sam will be perfectly fine.
Oh Carrie, I am so sorry! Have you tried Lanoln or the gel packs? It does get easier once your nips get used to the process. Also, I need to fb you but maybe you should talk to the doc about ppd? I got some meds and it helps greatly, esp if you have a history... I will fb you tonight or tomorrow. Loves and hugs.
I hear ya. I remember my nipples would fill the entire enterance of the cup. and when I took it off, they stayed that way for a minute. They were also very numb. That can't be good.
One thing that did help with the nipple pain of pumping was to reduce friction a little. I was told to use plain ol olive oil. It's safe for you and for baby. All natural. Just rub a little bit on your nipple before starting.
Good luck.
When Ryan was about Sam's age, breastfeeding was very painful. He had an awesome latch and fed at the breast every feeding. But, my nipple would swell up and it HURT. I stuck with it and my nipples adjusted to their new role and everything was fine. It just needed some time. You may want to try rubbing some expressed milk on your nipples and letting them air dry. Also- are you using lanolin? If not, give that a try as well. The combo of expressed milk/air/lanolin may do the trick until your nipples adjust! Oh, and be sure that your nipple isn't rubbing against the inside of the pump. The friction can cause a lot of discomfort.
This site is also a really great resource: www.kellymom.com
I am so sorry...here's my piece of advice for the day. Buy these:
http://www.diapers.com/Product/ProductDetail.aspx?productId=6122
Seriously. Keep them on at all times. When you get ready to pump or feed, take them off, rinse with cold water and put them in the fridge. As soon as you're done pumping, feeding, put them back on. Each set last me about a week. They were lifesavers. Seriously.
And don't be so hard on yourself...you're doing a great job. They don't call this the hardest job in the world for nothing. Your boobs will adjust, promise. Sending hugs!
Getting through these first few weeks is the absolute hardest part.I swear it will get easier!
I second Sarah - pumping hurt a ton until I moved from the medium flange (24) to the large (27). Magically, no pain. Also, it gets better as you go along - you will find that you don't even feel it any more. Hang in there.
I meant to comment on your bf post earlier, but never got around to it. So this will be long. Baby blues can last up to 4 wks so still take it easy on yourself and allow for those weepy, tired moments. And bf is seriously HARD. It took me a good 6 weeks for it to feel not painful and to be a calming nice experience. Just keep focused on your short term goals. But if it gets to be too much? Scrap it. I keep telling people, happy momma= happy baby. She will be just fine with expressed milk and/or formula. And you will have your sanity.
With that said, ask your ob/gyn for something called "triple nipple cream" I forget the actual name, but it is a prescription mixed in a pharmacy (usually only a hospital pharmacy) and it works wonders. My one friend called it voodoo magic cream. Her nips were cracked and even had chuncks falling off.
I dont' know what pump you have but both medela and playtex have soft, flexible, cups for pumping. This may or may not help, but I thought I would mention it.
I bf-ed both my boys exclusively until around 6 months, then I had to supplement with formula because they needed more than I could make. But I still bf-ed in the morning and night and pumped at work. Pain in the ass? Yes. But I figured I would see how long I lasted. Just go as long as you are happy doing it.
Once you get established with the latch, even if you don't pump at work, you can bf in the morning and the evening (your supply will even out after a little bit). Just that little boost of mama milk will help her and the snuggle time is nice too. But I actually understand what you said about snuggling while bottle feeding. I just had to start giving my little guy a bottle at bedtime (he fights the boob now at night for some reason) and I rest him on the boppy on my lap and I can stroke his head and hold his hand better than I could while bf. Good luck!!!
Hey I am a lurker here and I know how you feel. I tried BF and it did not work for me. I was in tears every single time I did it. I only lasted 3 weeks and I felt so bad for giving up, but the reality was that I was doing what was best for me which is what was best for my baby. I didn't want feeding time to be miserable and I didn't want to dread having to pump around the clock. We switched to formula and I felt so much better and happier. Both our kids are formula fed and have turned out just fine. BF is not for everyone. You want to enjoy your baby and your time with her, not be sad and upset all the time.
That all sounds so familiar! I just wanted to chime in with some reassurance that things *can* get better. I had pain pumping even though the shield was the right size, and it did slowly get less painful. One thing I do sometimes is switch sides (I do one at a time) several times until they are both empty. And don't believe anything you read that nipple shields will ruin things forever. I kept trying to nurse without it every few days until at 2.5 months she started latching correctly, first on one side, then on the flatter side. I never would have believed it during those nights of tears, but everything is fine now!
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