Family Visit

Well today I had two visits with family members I don't particularly like: My Mom, and Aunt Flo.

Seeing my mom typically entails artificial chatter about work while feigning 'closeness/ease' with each other. The reason I drove down to OC today was to see my sister and nephews. We hung out all day, and had a great time. I spoiled my boys a little, buying them dinosaur stuff.

I'm back up in Hollywood now, at Becky's dad's house. Aunt Flo brought her bags for a 7 day visit. It's somewhat relieving to know I don't have to stress about a TWW this month.

Not much else to report. Tomorrow we head up to San Luis Obispo, and do some wine tasting along the way.

Looks like Sushi & Sake for me tomorrow.

Not a bad tradeoff for a BFN. Yes my friends, the RE called just now to confirm I'm definitely, absolutely, certainly, and 100% not pregnant.

I'm fine. My grieving process for BFN's is generally the day I get my IUI. Each time, the donor count has been so low. 4mm with this last batch. Just too low to have hope. For some people, the BFN hurts the most. I guess for me, I get a feeling earlier on and come to terms with it before the actual BFN. That helps me not crash too hard after the TWW.

The hope I have is that I'm taking a month off to get another shg, and see if they can treat all the cysts and polyp-like growths I'm experiencing. Another ray of hope is that we'll get a new donor. Maybe this time with better counts, so I will actually have a real chance. The last hope is that I will now be asking for two IUIs per cycle, and I will dictate the times - not my RE. I've learned that the only advocate for my TTC journey is me.

We are setting up consultations with two additional fertility clinics: Nova IVF and Portola Valley Women's Health. I want to learn their style, express my pains with current RE, and see if their style offers more individualized monitoring and treatment. If so, we will seriously consider switching.

And now for the lighter side. We leave for SoCal tomorrow morning (with the dog in tow, of course). I'm taking Becky to Geisha House restaurant in Hollywood, which has the best sushi and sake you've ever tasted.

AND....(Shawn!).....I can finally have that beer in my fridge. All of us TTC should lift our glasses on Labor Day. I guess it's our Anti Labor Day. But cheers to everyone who's been through labor recently, those who are soon going through labor, and to the rest of us who are praying to experience labor someday. :) Cheers!

Pictures from Lake Tahoe

We had a good time! I didn't include many pics of me, since I'm all bloated out on progesterone. :)

I am the Decider! :)

It's decided. I am taking next month off. I feel a huge sense of relief, actually.

I left my RE's assistant 2 urgent voicemails today, saying I need to talk to my RE. No one called me back all day!!! I called again just now and demanded a live person be tracked down. I was then told my RE was out of office that day, so I spoke to her admin. I explained my situation - and that I have 48 hours to make a decision, since I go out of town on Thursday. The admin said I will need to come in sometime between days 6-12 for another SHG. She said I didn't need any other testing, since my bloodwork was only 6 months old. She did agree, after I had a mini fit, to ask the RE tomorrow if she recommends any other testing. We left it at that.

So I have the next 4+ weeks off. No worries about scheduling, no worries about missing work or squeezing in as many drinking events as possible in a 12 day period. In fact, the label you see above is a beer i bought last night, and it's sitting in my fridge. i get my official bloodtest results (aka BFN) back Wednesday, and plan on drinking soon after.

They will run another SHG, and try to figure out what this growth is in my uterus. it's been showing up for 6+ months, even in my last SHG. I hope they can figure out what it is. Worst come to worst, maybe they can surgically go in and look at it. I just want it taken care of, even if it takes 2 months, including surgery.

I still promise to upload my tahoe pics soon! there are some really cute ones. usually when we go on vacation we end up taking a bazillion photos of our Shih Tzu, and like, 2 of us. Clearly, it's obvious who the baby in the family is. :)

While I'm on TTC haitus, I should probably schedule a teeth cleaning. It's been a while.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughtful posts, I read them over and over, and they help me through the rough patches. I don't know what I'd do without this supportive community. Just two more days till I can drink my beer!
xoxos

Back from Tahoe

Made it back, safe and sound. I'll try to get some pics uploaded this week. We head out again Thursday for a long weekend in LA, to see our families. (And shhh, I secretly want to drive around and look for celebrities. How lame, I know) :)

I'm still spotting, I can tell my period is bulldozing its way through my progesterone. I even took a second pill this morning, but it's too late. Now I sit here like a lame duck, waiting for Wednesday's superduperinyourface BFN.

Not to sound dramatic, and maybe it's the second progesterone pill I took - but I really feel like crying right now. I'm convinced I'm some barren wasteland with a crap uterus. What's worse, is that I don't feel my RE has taken my TTC pursuit seriously. They've taken no cares to have various tests done, or to help optimize my IUI timing. It's like they only get excited about IVF patients, and I'm just one of "those people" that come in every month, pay my $$$ copays, and keep their electricity bills paid.

I want to cry SO bad right now - my eyes are welling up as I speak. How can only 4 months of trying make me feel so absolutely lost, a failure, and cursed to infertility?

Now I have yet another conundrum. The moment I stop my progesterone, my period will start. If I am going to try again next cycle, I need to decide now because I'll want to go on Clomid. Since we're out of town for the first half of my cycle, I'd need to go in like....tomorrow or Tuesday, for an appt to get the Clomid prescribed.

But we're not sure we want to go through another cycle. Perhaps I need to take a month off, and ensure my RE does every test possible to ensure my body is working and ovulating properly? I really don't know what to do.

All I can think right now is that I want to cry. :'(

Yeah. I'm gonna go ahead and say "BFN."

Hey guys

We're still in Tahoe - we've had a fantastic time! I'll upload pics when we get home. Thanks to all of you for your comments to my last post. I appreciate all of them very much. Well....I'm about 99% certain that the spotting I'm seeing is period spotting. It hasn't stopped in 3 days. By tomorrow, I will at least need a panty liner. :(

I guess there's the remote chance that it's increasing-in-flow, exactly-like-period, 3-days-and-still-going-strong implantation spotting. My guess is it's my period trying to start tomorrow (according to my regular cycle), and the fact that, this month, I'm on 100mg of progesterone, instead of my usual 200mg.

Becky and I are going to make an appt with a new facility, just to learn more about them, their style, their fees, etc. I just don't feel like I've had enough testing done, and my RE is too casual - just waves everything off. She keeps telling me I should keep doing IUI after IUI for another 5 years before I try something else. Clearly, she is crazy if she thinks I'll wait that long.

Inside, I'm a little sad. It's been 4 tries, and no success. My family all gets pregnant on the first try. I know I'm statstically on track for IUI success/lack of success, but I can't help but think there's something wrong. Something is wrong with my body - maybe it's my possibly polyp, or the fact that my uterus folds backwards, or maybe the lining isn't good. Maybe my eggs aren't good. Or maybe I'm not ovulating. My doc hasn't done one test to confirm any of these. I just can't keep paying $1,500 - $2,000 a month, only to get bloated on progesterone and gain 5 new pounds each month.

Speaking of the big P.....now that my period is starting, it really bugs that I have to take P for another 4 days!!! I don't get my results back till Wednesday, which is 16DPIUI. Grrr, I am so mad. I share the same frustration and sorrow that many of you readers have - with this TTC experience. hugs all around!

WTF! (hear me out, please. I need your opinion!)

I think I hate my RE now. They don't test me enough, and now they don't adequately medicate me. I've been on 200mg of progesterone since I started TTC, and I've never had my usual spotting 7 days prior to my period. Things in that department were working great.

So my new RE (same facility) wrote me a prescription this month for 100mg. I confronted her about it and said my old doc was actually giving me 200mg. She waved me off with a "pfft" - and said "it (dosage amount) doesn't even matter." I should have stood up for myself.

Well today I am 10DPIUI. We are in Tahoe, supposed to be having a vacation. I'm only 10 days in, and I'm F*CKING SPOTTING. So if there was any chance for a baby, it's gone now thanks to that careless woman. I am SO MAD.

Not only will I be sharing this story with her, but we're going to start looking at a new facility. Ours is supposed to be the best in the Bay Area, but I've been really disappointed with their overall care. I'd like to compare them to other places now.

On a side note...for all of you bummed that I haven't been obsessing over the TWW.... this did make me obsess a little. Of course, when I saw reddish-pink blood on my toilet paper, I thought maybe it's that 1% chance I'm pregnant. But isn't implantation spotting usually brown? this was definitely red/pink. Other than that, just a few normal twinges in the uterus. No biggie - I've had this every month with a BFN. I noticed today my left boob has had about 10 shooting pains in it. My bbs are not sore AT ALL, if you grab them. (Which I do every 10 minutes) It's literally like a little jolt that shoots through the back of my boob, almost near my ribcage. Did any of you ever experience this?

Anyway, my wireless card has zero bars, so I don't know if this will even post. I am just so upset today. This is usually when I start spotting, so seeing the 'familiar face of Aunt Flo' has me pretty bummed, and mad at my RE.

What should I do about the RE? For those of you who are preg, what did your implanation spotting look like? And did you ever have weird pains in the back of your bbs, but your bbs themselves didn't feel sore, or hurt to touch? Friggin a, I am a confused woman right now...