Today we paid the $11,000 to my IVF clinic, dropped off the specimen, and I spent $1600 on meds (to get me to the pregnancy test). Phew. Das a whole lotta money!
Now I just keep taking BC and 4 other daily pills until July 9th. July 5th I start Lupron.
I was kind of feeling a little better lately, all things considered. Today I may have taken a step back. It's getting so hard to follow my sister's blog. She has a happy marriage, 3 kids, and she's only 30. She is EXACTLY where I wish my life was, right now (minus the husband - hehe). Here's her blog: http://swensonsite.blogspot.com/
They are able to go to Utah to fish, camp, ride horses at her hubby's family's house. Or they visit my mom 3 hours away in Orange County, and go to the beach, Disneyland, etc. She has two beautiful boys, and now a beautiful daughter. I get this horrible ache in the pit of my stomach when I read her blog. I feel so, so far from what she has. And I'll never truly have what she has: acceptance of her family, being a stay at home mom, being 30 years old with 3 kids.
This may sound silly, but I always thought "maybe if i have a girl, my mom will love our child." there were no girl grandkids. Now that Maggie was born last year, and she is so stinkin' cute, my mom has everything she needs. There is nothing new or special (in her eyes) that we would add to the equation.
I feel bad for our future child, adopted or biological, that his/her grandparents/aunt/uncle will never be close, truly feel a bond, take an active role in his/her life, or love her the way I love my nieces/nephews. It breaks my heart.
I want so badly what Kelly has. I am sick with heartache.
Tons of friends at work are about to give birth. Another friend at work, who's been TTC for 4 years, said she finally has "really good news" to tell me tomorrow. I'm certain it's that she's pregnant.
Admittedly, behind the GENUINE layers of joy for my fellow pregnant bloggers, there is that same ache. When I started blogging 18(?) months ago, only about 5% of my blogroll was pregnant. Now, over 90% of my blogroll is pregnant, already had their baby, and some are even pregnant with #2 now!
It's like time has stood still for me, yet moved on for everyone else. I would do anything to get rid of this ache in my heart.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Somedays it gets easier, somedays it gets harder
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
13 comments:
It's not fair that this journey has been so long and rough. I'm hoping that ivf is just what you need. I have a good feeling about it!
It just sucks when you see other people who appear to be living a dream life when you are still waiting. It hurts more than we all were prepared for it to hurt. When J and I started TTC, a friend tried to tell us that the process might be hard and take a long time, and I got offended thinking, "Why does she have to be so negative?" 2 years later, I can't do anything but admit that she was so right. Some days I console myself with thinking about how much more compassionate I am and how I have grown as a person because of TTC. But truthfully, I would trade all that personal growth crap for a baby or 2.
I am sorry you are hurting and sorry that your family issues don't seem to have a resolution. The one consolation I have is when I see my lgbt friends with kids. Those children have such an extended network of people who love them: sometimes our chosen families are much more REAL than our bio families.
Yay for your cycle starting!
It sucks so hard that you don't have what you want. And I think it's important to take time to acknowledge that, and not feel guilty about it. Because it DOES suck. A lot.
But I am hoping you can find some of the love and light, too. I'm holding them for you.
I'm sorry that you are in so much pain with this journey. I looked at your sister's blog and yeah....I get what you mean. Everything you said was true and I could see why that would be a really hard thing to read when it seem like she has what you want.
But remember, you have to take it all--the husband, the religion, all of it. And you don't want that!
You will have your family one way or another, Carrie.
And that child is going to have so much LOVE.
im sorry you are experiencing this heartache right now. it is so painful to feel stuck while our close friends and family move on.
congrats on getting started with your ivf cycle, im wishing bfp thoughts in your direction!
Oh Carrie, I can't tell you how much hope I have for you this time. I'm sorry the journey has been so difficult. Patently unfair.
First, I think congratulations are in order. I think it's great that your IVF cycle has started. You are on your way to that BFP. I feel it.
With that said I can totally understand your heart ache. I feel that pain when I read your blog and I wish there was a magic word to make it better. But we don't have those magic words for eachother, but I am sending you all the good vibes for your successful cycle.
I am so sorry that things have been so hard on you in and of themselves, then topped with the inescapable comparison between your life and your sister's. That is just hard, no way around it. Please know that you're in my thoughts and I wish you the best of luck with IVF!
Oh my Carrie dear...life is not fair. I finally get pregnant, then lose an ovary. Your time will come to be parents. I hope, hope, hope that IVF is the answer and that you can start the next journey. Btw, I get jealous of people ALL THE TIME...the grass is always greener.
The grass does always look greener, but no one has everything perfect. Just keep your eye on the goal, and remember that everyone's life has static. Yours may be a little louder now, but that too will pass. :)
Good luck and happy thoughts for this cycle.
I've had and still have similar thoughts and feelings about my brother and his family - even though I have my own kids now - I feel like they will never TRULY fit in etc etc....But you know what? You are gonna have your family and it's gonna all work out and you are gonna be SO glad it happened the way it did. WAtch and see!
CONGRATS on starting the cycle :)
Yow! IVF is expensive!
Hi, I'm Barbara from Fairhaven Health. We manufacture natural, doctor-designed products to help couples conceive. We offer supplements, teas, diagnostic tools, etc. including products such as FertilAid for Women and Men.
I've been reading your blog and you've got some great content! If there's interest on your part, we'd be happy to send you product samples for you to review or to use as giveaways. Just fyi, we're by no means a large pharmaceutical company and are committed to helping women conceive safely and naturally.
I can be reached via Barbara@FairhavenHealth.com.
I compliment you for being honest about your feelings of envy for what your sister has.
My BIL is insanely jealous of my husband and our hone, possessions and financial security. We have two sons and a daughter. he has a daughter and desperately wants a son but it's not going to happen, his wife can't have any more children.
We didn't deliberately set out to ruin his life. Most of the time we aren't even thinking about him but he stays away because of his jealousy and he won't let his daughter get to know her cousins.
It's not right.
Nobody has a perfect life. We're not sitting here counting our money and laughing at him. We have problems too. I wish he'd get over it.
Post a Comment