Things aren't going too good. I've slipped into a massive funk, and I can't get out of it. I need more than meds; I need something earth shattering to JERK me out of this. One of the following would need to happen:
* My family becomes truly loving towards me, instead of critical about my family/being gay
* Prop 8 is overturned
* I lose 20 lbs
* I get pregnant
Sorry to say, but the odds of all of these are slim to none. I'm sure many of you TTC veterans have been in a similar place. If you will indulge me, it will feel good to put my cards on the table.
I am tired.
I am tired of being depressed.
I am tired of being angry (i.e. family, prop 8, mormon attacks).
I am tired of trying to keep track of how many IUI's we've had. (for the record, our 8th one was today).
I am tired of not knowing what's ME anymore. I am so pumped full of mood-inducing chemicals.
I am tired of being a pin-cushion.
I am tired of having weird drugs swirling inside me.
I am tired of gaining 2-3lbs a month from TTC drugs and low-impact TWWs.
I am tired of migraines in the TWW.
I am tired of my family being so fucking self-absorbed in their fucking Mormonism.
I am tired of having to be nice and patient with those who "tolerate" my lifestyle. Like they deserve fucking medals, when I am the one whose being is constantly attacked religiously, politically, and socially. No no, let's be nice and go easy on family when they act half-human and tolerant. I'm the one who should be tolerant of THEIR lifestyle. Fuck them.
Like I said, I am tired of being angry.
I am tired of puking hard-earned money towards TTC.
I am tired of making excuses to get out of work 3-5x a month for appts.
I am tired of researching IVF, IUIs, injectables, clinics, etc.
I am tired of combing through hundreds of donor profiles.
I am tired of my clothes being too tight.
I am tired of work, and not being able to focus. Don't they realize I'm desperately TTC, and can't they leave me alone?
I am tired of Republicans.
I am tired of religitards.
I am tired of working out as often as I can, and eating healthy, and not losing a single pound.
I am tired of BFN HPTs.
I am tired of - blood tests.
I am tired of everyone around me, including the clown-car vagina Duggar wife and anorexic Nicole Richie getting pregnant again.
I am tired of peeing on sticks.
I am tired of not being able to do the things I like during the TWW.
I am tired of my life and thoughts revolving 24/7 around TTC.
I am tired of my feet in stirrups.
I am tired of that goddamn speculum.
I am tired of wishing, hoping and praying.
I am tired of unrequited optimism with each TWW.
I am tired of watching my blogroll fill up with BFPs, when I'm still stuck in BFNs.
I am tired of being the ONLY person left in my lesbian TTC group who isn't pregnant.
I am tired of progesterone suppositories, and the subsequent leakage, buildup, bloating, and weight gain.
I am tired of not being able to talk about anything but TTC.
I am tired of not responding to FSH meds.
I am tired of only getting one supersized, unhealthy follicle.
I am tired of frozen sperm's shelf life.
I am tired of BBTs.
I am tired of fertilitea.
I am tired of pineapple.
I am tired of Baby Story, and every TV show and commercial that involves a child.
I am tired of pregnant bellies wherever I go.
I am tired of crying.
I am tired of sobbing.
I am tired of trying to hide the crying and sobbing.
I am tired of my doctor's not giving me personalized treatment.
I am tired of my ovaries aching.
I am tired of 12 months of BFNs now.
I am tired of holding my pee.
I am tired of having no idea if there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am tired of running out of new protocols to try.
I am tired of reading every TTC message board ever.
I am tired of having fake pregnancy symptoms.
I am tired of reading twoweekwait.com over and over.
I am tired of exhausting myself into finding hope.
I am tired of being let down.
I am tired.
Today's 8th IUI was uneventful. Doc said my follicle was deflating, so I probably O'd in the last 12 hours. I tried to do something different, as I lay there for 30 min. I brought my ipod and listened to fertility chants, and even played some love songs for my egg, so she and the sperm could have a love affair. After about 15 minutes, I was finally relaxed. Nurse opened the door and basically told me I had to leave. I guess they needed the room. It totally broke my zen.
The one good thing today, is that despite being depressed, sleepy, and late to leave work - I went from work to the gym. Once I pulled up to the gym, I realized I'd forgotten my gym bag. Head hung low, and teary eyes, I just drove home. And here I am now.
Thanks for listening, and I apologize for such a depressing post.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The State of Me
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17 comments:
It's been such a weird and bad week, month, year, for so many people. You deserve better. *hugs*
I've been there... felt that... and there just isn't anything to say that will make it better. The TTC-ing process sucks.
Oh Carrie. I just read your comment on my blog, and you are right my friend, misery loves company, and you are my "sista".... I SO wish we could get together for coffee or a strong drink and talk in person. I have felt everything that you are feeling. You are not alone. And, I was actually thinking of you today while I watched the Prop 8 appeals on live stream. Your list broke my heart, although your term of "religitards" almost made Tiff pee herself and I have a feeling we will be using that often. It might have made my day. Love ya and sending lots of hugs....
positive energy and a big hug to you!!
I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've had a really rough go of it. I can relate to an awful lot, but not all, of what is on your list. I wish I could tell you when your happy ending will happen, but all I can do is wish you must luck and happiness.
(I came by way of cyclesista)
Me too and I am so sorry we are here together.
i'm so sorry you're struggling so much today. i know 99% of those feelings. they are deep, they are all-encompassing, they are everpresent when you're on this TTC journey for so long. you have support and strength from all of your blogging buddies when you are feeling so low. you will find your light again. hang on. i just know you will find a way to make your dream a reality. no matter if that looks different than how you originally planned or not. you will be a mom, you will find your happiness...i'm pulling for you on your rough days. i know how bad it hurts and can bring you to your knees...
I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. I hope getting that off of your chest offered some relief. I can completely relate to almost everything you listed. I hope it happens for you two very soon, my dear.
no need to apologize, we've all been there. i hate that you are going through this. it will end. and you will be a mama one day soon. sending you big hugs.
I'm so sorry. Yuck. I'm tired of it all, too. Big, big hugs. We're totally out here, pulling for you. xoxoxoox
You have written everything I feel. I hope it gets better soon.
ok.. now I'm crying.. I got about 1/3 of the way down, and I felt like I was reading MY tired list. I don't know how my p and I got through the last 9 months....nothing I can say will change the way you feel. Your heart is tired....your tears are empty....try to get a hug every day from someone.. and a hot bath always helps me...
thanks for your HONEST tired list...
wow. (((hugs))) and ps. the comment about the "clown-car vagina"....classic.
No apologies needed - you have a right to feel all of those things. TTC takes an emotional toll on you and I wish you the best with this IUI. I know how you feel and I have felt a lot of those same emotions too. Sending lots of hugs and positive vibes.
I hope you're able to have a rest from as many as those things as possible. A good rest though, with a positive pee-stick.
Here from cyclesista.
I am so sorry. It's awful, all of it is so hard.
Apology accepted. Kidding!
You have EVERY right to be tired and angry and done with this shit. I am sorry that you're stuck HERE when you damn well deserve to be THERE. I wish there were a way to wish it better for you.
Thinking of you, and hoping you've got something good going on in there.
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