Le Sigh

Sorry my posts have been so depressing. I'm afraid this one isn't any different.

Well no - there is one good news. The FSH shot last night didn't hurt much, yay! I did 3 G0onal-F and 1 M3nopur.

Now for the crappy part. I've had a sharp pain in my left ovary for about 5 days now. It's right where my gigantic bloody cyst was a few months ago, and feels EXACTLY like every giant cyst I've had, that's called off my cycles.

I called my IVF doc. They said I'm probably fine, and should continue the FSH meds. I don't have an u/s until Thursday. If they find a giant cyst and call off my cycle, I will be pissed. Pissed that I wasted $2,000 on meds this week for nothing. Sigh.

I've kind of given up on this cycle now. I know it's premature, and I hope that on Thursday I can say "I was wrong! Everything is great!" Let's hope for that.

For now, I am expecting they will find a giant cyst that's been sucking up all the FSH fluids. This is what has happened the last 3 cycles, and I'm having the exact same pain right now.

What do I do if they call the cycle off? That I don't know. Can I really go through the bcp and Lupron again? My body has told me in every possible way that it cannot produce a baby. It cant work with FSH meds - it NEVER has. I don't know if I have the courage or optimism to start anew, knowing I'll end up in the same spot again.

If Thursday is bad news, should I just let go of this TTC train? I've dragged this out for 16 months already. Many of you have already gotten pregnant, had your babies, and some of you are already pregnant again. I'm stuck at the starting line, and it's getting really old.

PLEASE GOD let me get good news on Thursday. Please please please. I don't want to have to make the decision this week whether to continue or drop out of the game.

**** Update: Later today, the pain in my ovary has gotten worse. I'd say it's moderate now, and pretty constant. This is all too familiar to the previous cycles I had, with a giant cyst forming early on (which disqualified me from trying). My IVF doc doesn't like the sound of this, and asked me to come in tomorrow morning for an u/s. They waved it off earlier, saying I was probably fine. You know, when I'm paying you $11,000, I think that affords me one extra freaking u/s when I'm in pain, and have a history of early cysts!!! I just want to know if I'm out of the game or not. I can't seem to escape the cyst ordeals.

Truly, this is almost unbelievable. I can't catch a damn break ever!