After yesterday's HPT negative, I wasn't too hopeful for today's bloodwork. I had to get blood drawn at my RE's office, to confirm. They called a few hours ago, and told me I wasn't pregnant.
All things considered, I'm doing OK. Like I've been saying, this is our first try. A test run. This is my one "get out of jail free card" regarding emotions. If next cycle's attempt is also unsuccessful, THEN I will be inconsolably upset. What's most upsetting me right now? 1) Starting a new cycle, with all the poking, testing, charting, speculums, progesterone suppositories, ultrasounds, feet in stirrups, shots, etc. 2) My effing insurance has decided not to cover any of my fertility treatments! And I've had thousands of dollars of work done! My plan is supposed to cover 50% up to $7,000, but they're denying it all, saying I don't count. They are also trying to get my doctor to say it's a pre-existing condition, so that they're off the hook. That has me so upset, even more than the BFN.
Now for some reflection on my BFN....here's the good and the bad:
Bad:
* All the testing/clinical stuff is repeated again
* We may not be able to IUI in May due to my work schedule. TBD.
* More $$$$$ we don't have, and now Aetna has decided to deny all my fertility coverage
* I'm not getting any younger. I just want this to happen soon.
Ok, now the good: (This is the therapeutic part for me)
* I can eat the food I've missed: deli sandwiches, sushi, goat cheese with truffle, korean food
* I can drink my favorite beer and wine
* I can take my Rx when I get migraines. Past 2 weeks were rough.
* I know what to expect for the next cycle
* I can workout more
* No more progesterone suppositories at night (for 2 weeks, at least), that leak out all day and make me tired
* We can start painting our condo this weekend (thanks to Shawn for the paint color recommendation!)
* I can pee when I need to...versus holding it all night and during the day for OPKs
* Getting my first BFN has mentally brought me closer to this community. I've now earned my first battle wound. Of course, a BFP would have been better. :)
You know what's funny? When you think about how awful all the testing, drugs, ultrasounds, dehydration from opks, etc are.... my PERIOD has actually turned into the "vacation" part of each cycle. All I have to do is bleed, that's it. I never thought I'd say AF is my favorite time of month, but it's now a respite from all the testing. (And I can still eat/drink what I want)
Thanks to all of you for your support. It's made this process so much easier, and I, too, enjoy following all of your journeys. I'm keeping my chin up, and will anti-celebrate my first BFN with a nice, cold beer tonight. Hopefully next month I'll be celebrating a BFP. :)
xoxos
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Reflections on my first BFN (while eating a deli sandwich)
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14 comments:
I'm so sorry! BFNs suck. Really sorry. Say more about the insurance. From what I understand, the definition of fertility is one year of trying without success. (A year for a straight couple, or 12 IUIs.) How can it be a pre-existing condition if you haven't even met the definition?????
I'm sorry love.
Fight your insurance. Seriously. If your plan should include the 50%, then hold them to it!
Have a glass of wine for me but don't work out too much. How could that be in the good part?! I hate working out.
Much rest and deli meat and meds to you. xo
i'm sooo freakin sorry to hear that!
i'm with the others - fight the insurance tooth and nail! i have aetna too... damn.
awh man. I'm sorry Carrie. Enjoy all the treats of non-pregnancy the next few days, and know that we're all here hoping and praying that the next cycle is YOUR cycle!!!
Crap. M'sorry. *hugs*
Sucky. Ah well, drown your sorrow in deli meat and good beer. Surely next cycle is "the one".
Boo for BFNs! I'm sorry about this.
You've got the right attitude. though. If you had gotten knocked up on the first cycle, you wouldn't have that disappointment to compare to the utter elation you'll feel when you do get pregnant.
The insurance bit sucks. They'll do everything they can to get out of it, but see if you can fight them on this. It's worth a shot.
Enjoy the wine and beer and deli meats and sushi!
Damn Girl. I'm sorry. I know what you mean about not being about to work out--I hate not being able to work out as hard as I want!
But what's up with the Korean food? This is something I know not of....if it's just the kimchi that's OK, cuz I don't ever eat it!
When my insurance asked if I'd been trying, I simply said yes, for years. I mean, how can they prove I wasn't, eh? Good luck with the fight.
you have a great attitude. it's, like, really rare to get a bfp on the first try. and i don't really count hahaha.
yay for green walls and beer. and i'm with mrs. bluemont on the working out part. that would NOT be on my list of wooohooos.
the thing o found amazing when i realized it - about the whole cycle thing is that (aside from my dumb siutation) it goes by pretty quickly. before you know it, it'll be time to pee on opks again! so drink up! and PAINT!
yeah. and fight the insurance. that's some bullshit.
xoxoxo
Thank you for your comment! Good luck with your next cycle. We are taking May off because I am a wreck!! haha. :)
Insurance stinks! In canada, all of the tests and stuff are covered under our provincial health care, but the actual procedures are definitely and decidedly not. I feel your pain! I'm so sorry about the BFNs... last month was our first try and our first negative. I'm prepping myself that it'll likely take 6 IUIs for a positive. (80% chance in 6 cycles). And I'm trying to just enjoy being able to have that glass of wine and all that caffeine and other unhealthy stuff.
Sorry you had to find out firsthand how shitty a BFN is. Def. second what others have said--fight the insurance bastards with everything you have!
So sorry about your BFN. It always sucks, sometimes it just hurts more.
And insurance companies suck too. Fight them as hard as you can!
We were worried about my wife not being able to take medicine for her migraines while pregnant. They are debilitating for her. Funny thing - they disappeared completely during her pregnancy. Wishing you success in your next cycle. Til' then, cheers!
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