K guys, I have to vent about something. Subject = Family. *collective groan* As some of you know, I'm estranged from my dad, and my mom is Super Mormon. Yes, like a religious superhero. She is SuperMormon, ready to judge, criticize, and damn anyone to hell who's not like her. Separate post coming about what she said to me, when she found out I wanted kids. (and after verbally abusing me, thinks we are still best buddies. ugh) For now, this is a vent about my sister.
The photo in this post is my sister with her two sons. My sister and I are relatively close. Relatively meaning - we chat once a week, keep up with each other's lives, and I rarely talk about my personal life. She once told me that she doesn't agree with my lifestyle, but that she'd never bring it up again. I appreciate that coming from another SuperMormon....but I still have serious issues with people who say they "don't agree with" our lifestyle. Umm, sure, and I don't agree with left-handed people, or I don't agree with people with "brown hair." I mean seriously, WTF is that supposed to mean?
But I digress. My sister has been pretty cool with the gay thing. I can talk freely about Becky, she never shows any disgust when I talk about my personal life. She'll even ask how Becky is doing, and is very comfortable hanging out with us. In fact, she asked to stay with us this coming weekend, for my cousin's wedding.
Just when I thought things were too good to be true, the snag hit. She's really not supportive of the gay parenting stuff. Not overtly. I can talk to her about the IUI's, the meds, the appts. She really doesn't respond with any interest, though, and ends up saying "Eh, ok, well, I have to go." She just isn't interested at all, it bores her. But here, I NEED her support. I need her support and listening ear as I go through this stuff.
Vent #1: Well today, I called her. She's coming up this weekend for a wedding. Our family is having a little pre-wedding get-together hours before the wedding. I told Kelly there's a 50% chance I'll have to get my IUI before the wedding, so I may not be able to attend the pre-wedding shindig. She let out a giant "UGH!" then proceeded to say, "Well, it's pretty lame if you're going to skip a family reunion for that."
!!!!!!!!! I mean, is it just me? Or was that an ignorant, shitty thing to say? First of all, she has 2.5 kids. She KNOWS how critical timing is, and she knows I have to do IUIs. Second, she knows how important this is to me. Thirdly, how awful of her to make me feel bad for missing a stupid lunch before the wedding. She kept saying how lame I was, and that it was really stupid to skip the event for my IUI. If she had any freaking CLUE what I'm going through with testing, injections, and IUI timing, she'd appreciate that I can't just schedule an IUI any old day.
Vent #2: I joked that the family shindig was to eat deli sandwiches, so I said if I get the IUI, I can't even eat the food! Once again, she let out a huge, disapproving, ignorant grunt. She then went into a 10 minute rant about how stupid I am, how stupid it is to follow those rules. She bragged about how she's pregnant and eats deli meat, hotdogs, bleu cheese, tuna, etc every day...and her kids are fine. She said it's stupid that I won't eat salad or deli meats when pregnant. I mean, she went into a TOTAL rant. There was no point arguing, so I simply said "It's hard enough, and expensive enough, for me to get pregnant. It may be a small chance of contracting listeria, but I'm not willing to take that risk." She didn't skip a beat, and kept telling me how stupid stupid stupid it was. Internally, I got really upset. WTF difference does it make to her what I choose not to eat? She knows this is a stressful procedure, and very delicate. If anything, she should say, "Well I eat that stuff, but it's cool if you can get by not eating it." Just something simple like that.
To top it all off, she finished by saying, "Just watch..you'll never eat deli meat or bleu cheese, and your kid will still end up retarded." Wow. I don't know if there's anything more taboo (or rude) than even joking about a woman's baby being handicapped.
I was so upset. Luckily, the moment I hung up, I arrived at Becky's work to pick her up. It felt good to see someone who was nice, and actually had manners. I ranted to her for the 60 minute drive home. I'm just still so angry that my sister is so self-absorbed sometimes, and can't show a little human decency. It would never occur to her to be supportive, or at least shut her piehole.
Sorry for this giant rant. All you people whom I've never met are 1000000x more supportive than my closest family members. Does anyone have any advice on what to say to my sister when she's in town, if she brings this up again? (The IUI making me miss the lunch, or the fact that I won't eat deli meats) Lest I remind my sister, as she brags about eating tuna/deli meats/soft cheeses and how her kids are fine, that she just had a miscarriage 6 months ago. But see, I'm not like her. I have tact. I would never say something so hurtful to her. Oy veh! The world we live in! :) thanks again for enduring my rant. xxoo
Monday, May 12, 2008
I Need to Vent
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12 comments:
that is so terrible, i dont even know what to say...tell her she is hurting you...
:-(
hope u r feeling a bit better... u u will have a beautiful baby!
Urgh. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. *hugs*
When I get stuck in situations like that, where it's somebody I care about and I know that harping on the subject will only hurt me, I say, "Okay. That's your choice, I make mine, let's move on now."
And I pretty much repeat that until they move on, or I walk away. It sucks, but sometimes it's necessary. I mean, hey, ask me about my cousin who I adore who worked on Bush's campaign and yet says that she wants us to have marriage rights.
Needless to say, I get a lot of use out of this tactic. >.<
Wow. Feeling hurt is totally valid. Those are not kind things to say to your family. Conditional love is not okay. I hate that shit. I'm sorry. You need to do what you need to do for YOUR family. Maybe she's jealous that you'd be able to miss some of the wedding stuff because secretly she wants to miss some of it?
I'm sorry, all of that sucks. I have also found that a lot of people I love who have had no difficulty getting pregnant say things that are outrageously ignorant. I guess that's why I love being part of this blogging community - there are people who get it.
That stinks...so many people do not "get it." I think it is okay to tell her that she is offending you.
I'm so sorry hun. I have mormon family too (not to mention my parents are uber catholic) and I understand how hurtful their perspective can be.
First off, you have to realize that they live on another planet. You have created a healthy relationship out of love and are doing your damnest to start a family because of your desire to care for your children with your partner. Mormons believe that there are spirit babies floating around in space that need a body that can be baptized in their faith. Seriously. They have to pop as many as they can so that their husband will get to a higher planet in heaven and maybe even get his own planet like Jesus or Joseph Smith. Then when he's there he can choose whether or not to call his wife by her secret temple name and she can then and only then go to heaven too.
So I'm not surprised she eats hot dogs. It may help to say something like, "Sis, I wish you could see how much this means to me. I want this baby more than anything in the world and it breaks my heart that my closest family won't support those efforts." But she might not hear you.
And here I'll get even more judgy: No mother should use the words lame or retarded towards another person. Her children are learning from that example and the future she's creating scares the shit out of me.
I <3 you and hope you can get through this without any grief. You're a star. ox
Wow. She said some really shitty things to you, and supportive or not, she had no right to do that. You have every right to be hurt--and certainly every right to vent.
I think the only thing you can say to her is that what she says to you really hurts you. If she cares, maybe she'll stop or apologize. It just sucks that you have to deal with this, though.
Hugs.
She may have 2.5 kids but she is fertile and does not have any idea how important timing is. She is also not supportive, at all. You are inviting her into your home and if she were not blood you would probably not even want to share visual space with her. Tell her if she has nothing supportive to say to say nothing at all. The word "stupid" is banned in my home. It is much worse than bitch or fuck or shit. It is derogatory and insulting and mean. You would never want her rudeness around your child so do not allow it around you.
I am so sorry you do not have support. I lost my family over a decade ago when my father learned I was gay, my mother already knew and was ok with it but her relationship with my father was more important. It sucks, but ya know, they were not real nice people to say the least and I doubt they would be welcome around my child anywa. I want him growing up knowing unconditional love, not berating and abuse.
Much love and light.
PS. Is your dog a shih tzu??? I have 2 and they are the BEST!!!!!!!
Wow..well you already know about MY family from yesterday's post, so ahem, yeah. I don't do so well with outbursts such as this and would (a) tell her how it made me feel (b) probably have to stop talking to her for awhile.
I get that you Need her to be there for you, but the problem is, it not only sounds like she isn't, but quite possibly that she can't be. There may just be too many barriers in her Mormon mind to jump over.
My Southern Baptist mother who used to tell me that I was going to burn in hell is now supportive of me. But it took almost 20 years to get there. I don't think you have that long.
I hope that you can talk to her soon, if just to get it off your chest.
i say attempt to talk to her about it, even if she isn't receptive. it helps to get it off of your chest, and that will make you feel better. if you can't talk to her in person, write her a letter.
sometimes, for my sanity, i choose to distance myself from the family negativety. i don't know if that's the best answer, but i know it's not fair for you to feel this way or for them to treat you that way.
gosh, did EVERYONE (including myself) write about their family issues in the last few days??
That's just crazy. Really, crazy. Honestly, over deli meat? Sometimes family members who "tolerate" us are worse than those that cut us out of their lives entirely.
Hey Carrie,
I just found your blog and I am udner the impression that no one understands a lesbian trying to get knocked up, unless its another lesbian trying to get knocked up.
I am sorry that your mom and sister are not so supportive. If it helps any, my mom told me "If you were to have children right now, I would call protective services on you." (She doesn't know we are TTC, but she does know we have a pit mix.) Talk about ignorant.
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