First, I want to thank you for all the really sweet notes you sent. We feel your hugs and support from all over the country (and world!).
We had a good cry last night. I tried to psychoanalyze myself, I suppose it's the former psych major in me. I realize why losing Baby B hurts on so many levels. I wanted to understand my pain, instead of just "feeling" it.
Level 1. It just sucks losing a baby, at any stage in pregnancy. You get attached so quickly, and we'd already envisioned the rest of our lives with our two bubbies.
Level 2. This is where it hurts the most, actually. I don't believe this was chromosomal, as much as it would make it easier for me. I believe my body killed this poor baby, as it was designed to do. As you know, I have MTHFR (blood clotting issues, that strike at any stage in pregnancy and instantly kill a fetus). I also have NK cells and antiphospholipid antibodies, which attack a fetus and cause clotting, respectively.
I fucking hate my body. It was designed to terminate pregnancies, at any cost. I've paid so much money for L0venox, intralipid infusions, etc, but those mostly treat it 20%-50%. that leaves a HUGE margin for attacking a baby. And i feel like this is what happened.
The scariest part, is that it can happen again, at any time, to Baby A. its making it difficult for me to continue bonding with Baby A, which I know isn't fair to him/her. This is so bad to say, but I just feel like it's a waiting game now to find out Baby A was also terminated by my fucked up body.
I think this shook us up a lot. We'd been in such a dark place for 18 months, a place of despair, disappointment, failure. My body did everything wrong. This was the first time the sun came out, and the birds chirped. It's like we were alive again. We remembered what it's like to be happy, hopeful. We allowed ourselves to get excited, be optimistic, buy twin books, put our registry together, and all we talk about is our future family now.
And just like that, half of our family gets wiped out. Now we're waiting to see what happens with the other baby. We fooled ourselves into thinking the sun was out. The sun is retracting again, and all the old despair, disappointment, and failure is coming back to haunt us. How silly we were to think we'd beaten the odds.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The Day After Losing Baby B.....
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8 comments:
A quote that helped us get through infertility..."Faith makes things possible, not easy."
Don't let your mind take over your heart and doing what you know to be right.
I know our situations are different, but I went through a lot of what you are feeling. I don't think we will ever know why Sprout left us so soon, but those 15 weeks were pretty magical. I am fairly convinced that my RH factor had something to do with it and my body attacked him. My doctor says the chances are so slim, but I still believe it. I want you to know that I am thinking about you and praying for you and Baby A.
Hello
*hugs*
Much, much love.
And I know how very easy it is to believe it's your body killing them off.
I truly don't believe it was. I know you don't believe it was chromosomal, either, but I believe it could have been. Remember, we saw a happy healthy bouncing wallaby just before 8w, and when they diagnosed the m/c, he measured 8w6d. That time - after seeing the hb, but still in the first trimester - usually is chromosomal.
But I know that really makes none of this easier. Please know we're thinking of you.
I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so hard to go through at any stage. We do attach so quickly and sadly now the knowledge of loss cannot be erased and now robs you of so much.
I have lost 4 babies, one set f twins and 2 other pregnancies as well. Every loss I went through was after heartbeat and between 7.5 and 9.5 weeks.
I want to share something i learned along the way in the hopes it may help some tiny bit but truly it may not.
The whole body is crap/kills babies etc thing (I had high ATA antibodies and have a history of thyroid cancer) thing, the loss of all faith in your body is a hard one. So is the fear, fear of another loss, fear of bonding with the baby etc. I went through it all.
But at some point a woman who had lost herself told me that grasping onto those thoughts does no good. It is not helpful in any way. And after losing the twins I had I realized I wasted so much time being afraid and miserable and angry with my body and lost so much time being happily pregnant. Even if it was going to end again I was pregnant at that moment and could focus on the right now joy even if fleeting....that the baby deserved me doing that, that I deserved me doing that. That being the mama I wanted to be meant I would want my future child to do the same in that situation so I had to therefore set the example and change my thoughts.
It is soooo much easier said than done but it helped a lot. This last pregnancy I actually didn't make myself sick with worry near as much or lose as much sleep worrying in the early months.
I hope you can find peace and your next 7 months flies by and your little one is in your arms before you know it.
Much love.
i know it takes time to grieve, but you will find peace with this loss and you will bond with this baby that's growing inside of you. this baby needs positive energy and love. we are sending it to you, all of us.
be gentle with yourself, carrie. you are a loving carrier of this baby and are doing your very best. lots of extra TLC to you...
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