I'm starting to slip back into a dark place. I can't get off the sofa, I'm eating hamburgers and milkshakes, and I don't seem to care about anything right now.
I'm 100% convinced that my body killed this baby. I've been reading through communities of women with the same MTHFR diagnosis as I have. They are all on the same meds I'm on (some even on 2x the Lovenox dosage), and still, MANY of them suffered unexpected losses anywhere from 6 weeks to 7 months pregnancy. All their babies had been growing perfectly, strong heartbeats. Then suddenly, they stopped. The women who had D&Cs (which I can't do, due to the surviving twin), had many of them confirmed as a placental clot.
Some "doctors" on these sites chime in, and say that MTHFR is serious, and even with treatment, it at best just lowers the risk of clotting. Clotting can and will still happen at ANY freaking stage of pregnancy - and if it does, bye bye baby. My pills and expensive shots just lower the risk. that's not good enough for me.
I know this makes me a terrible mommy, but I'm this close to giving up on Baby A. I already feel like s/he won't be with us much longer. Whether it's another week or even 6 months from now. My body will do what it's built to do and end it's life. I'm feeling so angry with my body, angry for denying me the most important gift in life.
I can't bear to put faith in Baby A, I can't muster it out of myself right now. How terribly sad and mean of me. :( Baby A has a target on his/hear precious little body. How do you bond with a baby that has a decent chance of miscarrying? I can't read pregnancy books, I can't read my "what to expect" weekly emails. I don't want to, for 1 minute, envision our happy future family because I feel like it's already fading. I've been through too much disappointment, I can't set myself up for it anymore.
It will certainly be a miracle if Baby A survives pregnancy. I wish I still believed in miracles.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
It's tough
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20 comments:
I totally understand your anger and sadness. You and your body have gone through so much pain and ordeals and I really hope that miracles happen with Baby A. If not, you still need to keep hopes up that you can be a great mom in other ways. We are here for you.
Sorry-- I posted a comment that was meant to be supportive but when I read it, I realized that it could be read in a different way. What I meant to say was, give yourself permission and time to grieve and heal.
I hope you have as much support IRL as you do here.... please lean on your people. You need your friends and family at times like these to keep hope alive when you are too afraid.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I didn't realize how serious your condition is. I hope that you find a way to make it through each day and that you have a good support system IRL. Of course you have all of us. May the next 6 months bring you a happy healthy baby A.
I don't know how you feel exactly but I hope that Baby A keeps rockin' the womb so you can regain faith in your body again. :)
My heart is aching for you.
I want to just give you a big hug.
I don't know much about MTHFR other than what you post about, but everytime I see the letters here, I call it the Mother F*ck3r disease. =/
I will believe in miracles for you! I can't imagine what you are going through and the tormet that the near future faces you with, but only time will tell and you still need to take care of yourself. (although hamburgers and milkshakes are good for the soul!) We will be thinking of you guys and even though we are not in close distance, let me know if we can do anything for you.
So sad to hear you feeling this down and angry. This MTHFR stuff sounds scary, especially when you're hearing stories of loss from other women that confirms your feelings that your body attacked Baby B. I have no idea how you could make it through something like this. Im sure your mind and your heart are protecting yourself from hurt and so it's pretty normal I think to be distancing yourself from Baby A. I hope that in the community of women with MTHFR that there are some stories of miracles and that you can add to these with your own miracle. You don't have to be strong or positive. I am holding on to hope for you and Im sure lots of other people are.
oh carrie, i just so want to be there to reach out and help, but we are just so far away! I think you need to go through the processes of loss as you are doing, and its awful hard to have such opposing views of joy at the same time, its only natural you are feeling this way. You have a psyc major, and I am a registered psyc, and we both know there is nothing worse than having opposing feelings that are occuring at the same time. Be kind to yourself, let yourself motion through it all, at the moment the grief feelings are the prominant ones, but I can tell you that the other, more positive feelings for baby A will shine through, a little more each time you get that reassurance. Just forgive yourself for feeling this way and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, its all valid.
Practically, I would suggest asking for an earlier ultrasound, that way any fears will be reassured earlier. Tell them what you are going through, I would be very suprised if they didnt do it. Get B to call and explain the affect on your mental health, and they shuold fit you in.
Sending huge amounts of love from the other side of the world. Please let me know if you want any info, venting room, anything... we are here.
i agree with everything stacey said. she's a smart cookie. and remember, feelings are temporary .... what you are feeling right now is understandable. it will not be the way you will always feel. even tomorrow. so give yourself a break and breathe.
((hugs))
Pull your head out of your ass!. You will loose baby "A" because you are self destructive, not for any other reason. Be blessed that you have baby "A". You are selfish and immature. Grow up and buck up. Folks would give their right arm to be in your shoes. Wine, wine, wine. You are never grateful for anything
Oh My God. Did someone seriously write that post? Who ever did that you need to seriosuly take a look at yourself! And to write it as anonymous, how gutless! If you dont want to listen to her experiences, dont read, and all the more, dont dare write such disrespectful comments. How rude.
Stacey, thanks for coming to my defense there.
Anonymous, whoever you are, I appreciate your willingness to be candid, but you clearly have no idea what I'm going through. I've lived an infertility nightmare for almost 2 years, with nonstop heartache and failure. To have just lost half of my pregnancy is devastating, especially knowing I have 3 serious health disorders that may have caused this. (And could cause the demise of the other half)
Please think twice before posting such hateful comments. I'm allowing myself to grieve right now, and I don't know how you'd expect someone who just lost a baby to rejoice in it.
This is a very heartbreaking moment for me right now, and if you think my feelings are invalid, I'd appreciate you not visiting my blog.
Please grow up and pull your mean-spirited head out of YOUR ass.
Sending so much love. I am so sorry you are in this place. My first nephew arrived prematurely, and in all of her reading/learning about that, my sister discovered that a normal reaction for many mothers was to delay bonding with the baby out of fear that it wouldn't live. (Obviously not by choice, but as a defense mechanism.) So I think it is perfectly normal that in the middle of your grief for the lost twin, that you would be fearful about believing in the second twin. I am hoping for you all the support you need, all the ultrasounds you need, and of course sending my prayers that all is well. Much, much love.
My question is knowing that you had this disease prior to conception, and I have read your blog, and know that you were fully aware...perhaps you should have given yourself more time to learn some coping skills knowing that a mc of both babies was a very real possibility. Or maybe, just maybe, you should have looked at other routes to become a mother.
Anonymous, if you read my blog, you'd see that we did due diligence going to 2 different adoption seminars, and thoroughly looked into that option. It's still an option for us, and we already have our autobiography photos ready in an album. MTHFR isn't a death sentence, but it carries a higher m/c rate. I'm not a quitter. I know that many women being treated for MTHFR have delivered babies. I momentarily got so excited about being pregnant that I felt invincible, but I'm now reminded of the very real risks involved. I know 2 friends with MTHFR who delivered babies, so I hope and pray I find that same success.
Anonymous,
Grow up and stop posting anonymously, better yet, stop reading her blog if it really upsets you.
Carrie uses this blog as an outlet, a way to vent, a coping mechanism if you will. She's been able to interact with women who are dealing with similar struggles and be a part of a community of supportive women.
As her partner, I can certainly attest to the fact that she is grateful for many things. Additionally, you don't know her well enough to make the snap judgment that she lacks coping skills.
As far as pursing adoption, do you ask that of all women who are trying to conceive? Where do you draw the line in the sand in terms of who should and who shouldn't try to conceive their own baby?
Since you've taken the liberty of giving out advice let me give you some:
* Stop projecting your own insecurities on other people
* Stop posting anonymously
* Stop reading this blog
--Becky
Becky - Well said!!!!!
Couldn't agree with you more.
Carrie - we are all here supporting you every step of the way. I am so sorry for the loss of baby B...I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. you have EVERY right to express how you are feeling, and grieve.
"anonymous" definitely needs to bugger off.
xoxo
thank you for sharing your journey with honesty. You are helping me and others like me along my journey.
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